Mammograms, and Boobies, and Scans... OH MY!

So I went to the breast and bone imaging center today.  I was scheduled for an ultrasound on the right breast.  Instead, they decided it would be ever-so-much-more fun to have me do a mammogram first.  You know, squeeze the life out of your girls before they scan them.  I'm convinced the doctors do this so your girls don't put up a fight during the scan.  So much fun.  Like trying to make balloon animals out of your breasts while you stand there and try not to breathe.  I think I'll plan one again soon- like a vacation for my boobies (there's a word I never thought I'd use in my blog).  

But seriously.  It really wasn't that bad.  I kept hearing all of these horror stories about mammograms, and that just wasn't my experience.  I had a great technician who made me feel very comfortable (except for that whole "I think my breast may explode" thing).  And when all was said and done, I felt good about having had my first scan out of the way.  

 

Of course, I could have done without the awkward waiting room.  It was like sitting in a spa with a room full of half dressed women.  Only there was no spa portion of the afternoon.  I wrestled with my robe so I wouldn't flash the entire room and I think I finally found a position that only exposed half of the girls to a small portion of the room.  It was my Pamela Anderson moment... only there was no beach and I wasn't jogging in slow mo with a fake tan and too much hair spray.  But other than that...  

So anyway, we finished up the mammo and then I waited.  Again.  And then they brought me back to the ultrasound room where they scanned the breast area and the lump area and the radiologist came in to discuss her findings with me.  She said she believed what she was seeing was a nasty infection.  Seriously.  After waiting three hours in this place filled with breast cancer posters and literature, I was 100% CONVINCED that when she came in, she would tell me I had some form of breast cancer. No, not because I'm a hypochondriac, but because I had read so much on the internet and in the waiting rooms, that I had convinced myself that all of my symptoms were related and I was going to be told I had breast cancer.  But instead, when she came in, she said the boobies are all clear!  (Yes, I'm a little immature and I just said boobies for effect).  

But that's right.  NO CANCER. NOTHING SERIOUS!!!

I mean, the infection is deep enough to require a small surgery to drain it, but it's NOTHING compared to what my brain was prepared to hear!  :)  Can I get a hallelujah?!?  

I thought I might feel silly if I found out it wasn't serious because there has been sooooooo much going on with me the past few months and surely people were over the drama, right?  But in reality, it was scary thing to go through and people were right there, praying with me/for me, walking through this with me.  It was real-life and really terrifying.  It was a week I'd like to never again repeat.  But it was also a week where real prayer warriors showed up stood in the gap, helping to bring peace to my heart and to our home.  

So I wanted to take a minute to say thanks for walking through this with me.  Thanks for praying.  I mean it.  I've been overwhelmingly blessed by your e-mails, phone calls, texts, and FB messages.  

So for now- have a wonderful evening!  I'm going to go cuddle up with my zebra-print snuggie and a book and thank the Lord for my health!

No longer paranoid.

No longer alone.

No longer I,

The real life, healthy mom.  :)

In Good Hands

Have I  ever told you that I'm a control freak?  I'm certain there's a better term for it, but control freak is the best thing my mind can compose at the moment, so let's go with it.

Anyway, I forget exactly when I discovered the nuisance under my arm pit.  I do remember it was only this past week so I didn't think it was anything of concern.  But then I realized what you can see is somewhat like an iceberg.  Surface level, there is an infection- this much I can see.  But I think this infection might be there to signal us to what is really going on.  There's a Cadbury Egg shaped (and sized) lymph node under this little cyst-type thing on my arm.  So when I say it's like an iceberg, I mean that what's actually there is so much larger than what is on the surface. It's a little intimidating- especially at night when the house is quiet and I have nothing to do but sit and let my mind wander.

The cyst-like thing on the top is tender, but the lymph node is large, very hard, and not tender.  All of this combined with a few other symptoms makes one a little more on edge than normal.  I'm not sleeping, definitely not resting, and just...  disturbed.  This week seems to be going by in slow motion.

Monday at 1:00 is the ultrasound.  That's 48 hours away.  48 hours to sit and think... and wait.  They said I should know a little more after that and hopefully the blood work will return by then as well.

In the mean time, I'm going CRAZY!  I do not like the feeling of not being in control.  Have I ever mentioned to you that I don't drink?  Well, I do on occasion- when we're celebrating or enjoying the company of our friends, but I discovered at an early age (I think I was 17... and I don't think I ever told my parents until right now) that I didn't like the way being drunk made me feel, so I resolved that if I chose to drink, it would only be one or two drinks at the most.  I. like. control... or at least I think I do.

I don't like the unknown is probably a better way to put it.  In reality, none of us is actually in control (and so thankful we are not).  Control is an illusion that I like to play into when I let my mind wander.  I like to imagine I've got it all "under control" when really our world can be spinning out of control at excessive speeds.

Thankfully, though- I can remember this.  The maker of the Heavens and the Earth- HE is the one in control and HE knows what I will find out this next week.  HE knows if there is something legit going on with me or if I'm just over-reacting.  HE knows what will happen today and tomorrow and everyday until the end of time.  So please tell me- why am I worried again? He's got the whole world in His hands, right?  And I'm still in that world... so...

So no more worrying.  NO more freaking out.  I mean, I'm human, so the thoughts will come.  I know worry will come, but I'll choose to take back these thoughts and process them in a healthy manner- by surrendering them and combating them with scripture and with truth.  Yes, some ideas of what could really be going on are scary, but even if something real is brewing in there... He's got this.  HE'S. GOT. THIS.  And even if I'll look like a fool in a few days for being so paranoid about it, HE'S. STILL. GOT. THIS.

Here are some scriptures I found while trying to approach this from a healthier mind set.  I was in the process of trying to surrender some of my thoughts and I stumbled on this.

Matthew 6:25-27  “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6:34  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life?

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you;my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

So, my friend- you may not be dealing with silly armpit lumps, or control issues, but I wanted to encourage you as I was encouraged.  He's got this.  I don't have control and neither do you.  No matter what happens, HE'S GOT THIS.

And now I bet that song is stuck in your head, too...  He's got the whole world in His hands...

Trying to surrender- fears, thoughts, control... and trying to get that song out of my head.  :)

No longer I,

The VERY REAL LIFE mom.

Waiting. And WebMD

Have I ever told you how much I despise WebMD?  I used to think it was very helpful- especially when times were tough and I couldn't afford to go to the doctor every time my child sneezed.  And then I'd have a couple of completely unrelated symptoms and WebMD had me completely convinced I was dying.

I mean, we're all dying right?  But there have been times where I have been absolutely convinced that I have only a few months to live and then I go in to my doctor and I've got a cold.  I mean, seriously... can you say hypochondriac? (totally used spell checker for that one).

So since I've been a hypochondriac in the past, I was absolutely convinced that this time I'd play it "cool".  So when I noticed the enlarged lymph node under my arm, I TRIED to avoid WebMD.  I didn't want to know what they had to say about it, but somehow I ended up on one of their cousin websites.  When I inputted my symptoms, the results came back as either HODGKINS LYMPHOMA, BREAST CANCER, OR LUPUS.  None of these sound appealing.  Usually WebMD will give you about 20 options of what it could be (including the common cold)- but not this time.  This time, there were three- and these were them.  About four different web sites all told me the same thing.

But I ignored what they said.  I've over-reacted emotionally so much in the past that I thought surely this one would just be "nothing".  Never-the-less, I went in to my OBGYN this morning... just to make sure.  I shared all of my medical knowledge with her (much to her entertainment, I'm sure).  She felt the lymph node and got a concerned look on her face.  She checked the breast area just to be sure and then we had our little chat.

She said her instinct is to say that it's nothing but an infection, but because she is somewhat concerned about the size and hardness of this thing (whatever it is) she ordered more testing just to cover all of her bases.  She took four vials of blood and ordered an ultrasound for the breast and armpit (lymph) on Monday.

All of that to say- I'm glad my doctor is so thorough, but... I still have no answers.  If I was in charge of things, people would be able to get same day results so they wouldn't lose sleep on mild infections...  but, thankfully, I'm not in charge.  I'll have answers when it's time, I know.  I guess I thought I'd walk in, the doctor would laugh at me for making a mountain out of a mole hill and then send me home, but that's not what happened this time.  I thought she'd reassure me that I was still very much a hypochondriac, and share a laugh, but that didn't happen either.

In my heart of hearts, I truly believe it's nothing, so I'll take my antibiotics and hope to see a difference next week.  But in the mean time, I know some of my friends and family are worried, so please pray for peace for them.  I am in a really strange place- at peace with whatever the outcome.  I know that peace is from The Lord and I just want the same thing for them.

Thanks for reading and thanks for praying...  I have a strong feeling that this time next week, I'll be feeling really idiotic for even writing about this thing that is nothing.  But it's something to the people who love me.  Even if it's just an infection, it's enough to make you reevaluate things...

Anyway, I'll keep you posted.  :)

Waiting. (sort of) patiently.

The real life mom.

The Hottie's Speech

Have I ever told you why school is such a big deal for The Hottie?  I asked his permission to share this, so I wouldn't embarrass him.  I suspect that after today he will likely do a bit more sharing of this himself.  He is dyslexic.  Not as in- "Oh, I messed up a couple of those words while reading them", but more like "I absolutely HATE to read out loud because I cannot make what I read come out of my mouth accurately."  He has no problems writing (as evidence by his essay and the precious letters he has written me in our ten years together) but even then he will occasionally twist words around and confuse them.  I do the same thing, but am not challenged to the degree that he has been.  Because of the dyslexia, reading has always been a challenge for him- especially reading aloud.

So there was an essay contest at the college.  The award was a $1000 scholarship.  I encouraged him (against everything negative in his head) to write an essay and try to win that scholarship.  Less than 48 hours after turning in the essay, The Hottie was announced as the winner.  There was a time of celebration, but then the reality of what was to come, set in.  You see, part of the stipulation of winning the scholarship is that you have to read your essay in front of a room full of chancellors, presidents, contributors, and.... other important people from the college.

So this morning was the Chancellor's breakfast.  After dropping off all 16491726 of our children, we arrived about 15 minutes late and the morning began.  We visited with all of the people at our table- very down to earth, very friendly.  We later discovered that the college president was among our new BFFs from the table.

There were a total six scholarship recipients (one from each of the college's campuses.)  Each recipient was introduced by an "important person" and each recipient had to read their speech to the room full of about 250 people.  Seriously.  For me, this would be no big deal.  I love to speak to a crowd or to be up on stage.  I'm totally wired for that.  But Kyle?  Not so much.  He was nervous, sweaty, and emotional.

Never-the-less, as his "important person" got up to introduce the Hottie (which, by the way, and much to my disappointment, he did NOT call him) Kyle grinned that ever-so-handsome grin and walked up the the microphone.  And then it started.  Every bit of emotion, every bit of nervous energy, every bit of everything inside of him came to a head.  As he started to read, he stumbled on the words.  He teared up as he read some of the beautiful things he'd written.  He stopped several times to compose himself and pressed on.  What should have taken about 4 minutes took about ten minutes.  He struggled so intensely to get the words right and to make it sound eloquent... but he could not.

I sat about ten feet from him and grinned as he recovered, each time with a little more strength and a little more perseverance.  By the end of the speech, I was filled with so much pride, and so much joy that I could hardly contain my excitement for what this man had just done.  He KNEW he wasn't going to sound the best up there.  He KNEW he'd struggle to get through the reading... and still he pressed on.  In his speech, he spoke of his dyslexia and the struggles it had caused him.  When all was said and done, there was not one dry eye in the house and people could hardly wait to jump to their feet to show this man their pride in his accomplishment.

He received a roaring standing ovation for this feat!  (And, might I pridefully mention that his was the only standing ovation given).  ;)  I can best describe the moment by taking you back to the King's Speech (with Colin Firth).  The King was trying to inspire a nation by overcoming his stutter and addressing the nation.  Kyle was merely trying to get through an essay, but ended up inspiring a room full of people.  One by one, close to 100 people came to shake our hands after the reading.  People could not stop talking about how impressed they were with... my man.  ;)  They patted him on the back, encouraged him, and a few even hinted at possible job opportunities after graduation.  (HALLELUJER!)

It was definitely one of those mornings I will never forget.  It was the day my man, my Hottie, put aside every bit of self doubt, every bit of negative thinking, and did what he had to do... and it not only blessed me (and everyone else in the room), but it challenged and encouraged me in my own life as I struggle to put aside every bit of self doubt and negative thinking to do what I have to do.

But this post is not about me... it's about an average, ordinary man who pushed past everything emotional, everything physical that could have held him back and persevered, inspiring a room full of people to never give up.  Never quit.  So perhaps the terms "average and ordinary" don't really apply to this man after all.  No, I'd say he's more like amazing, exceptional... and, of course- hot.  ;)

Fear... and Power

In the past four days, I have taken approximately 200-300 photos of Shepherd.  It's not because I want to remember him in the hospital or because I want to show the world how terribly pitiful he looks.  I take these random photos because when he sees mommy taking his picture, he smiles, and for the past four days, all I've wanted to do was make that precious angel smile.

We're not all Facebook or e-mail friends, so for those of you who do not know, I will update you.  Shepherd has an infection in his left thigh called Cellulitis.  This infection can get really severe, really quickly, so they put him in the hospital.  Originally, we were thinking we might get to come home today, but that didn't happen.  Instead, we were told the medicine wasn't strong enough and they'd have to put him on something stronger.  So as I'm typing, he is currently receiving a two hour injection of something tremendously stronger than the medicine he was originally on.

When this all started, I noticed he wanted to be held a lot more.  That's right- Mr. Independent wanted mommy ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of the time and I had no idea it was because he was getting so very sick.  And I complained and whined about having to hold him.  I was frustrated because I couldn't clean my house the way I wanted to, or put away the ever growing mountain of laundry.  I was mad that he was in my way... and now that he's sleeping less than two feet from me, all I want to do is wake him up, cuddle him, and never let go.

You see, I laid down a few minutes ago to go to sleep and as I closed my eyes, my heart filled with panic and sorrow, and the first picture that came to my head was Shepherd's funeral.  Seriously- he's not that sick. I mean, I thought "It's a bug bite, I think- he'll be fine." and I didn't want to over dramatize it.  I thought "He's fine, no need to worry."  I thought "We'll go home on Saturday..." and now here we are, 12:05 on Sunday morning, marking our fourth official day here.  So obviously, it's serious, but not "funeral" serious.

He's no where near death, but I've had this nagging feeling that something really bad was going to happen to him for a while now (like months).  And being in the hospital, I have had complete peace- until about 20 minutes ago.  A real panic swept over me... until I heard his gentle snores.

I immediately picked up the phone and texted a friend.  I wanted to know someone could pray for peace for me.  I wanted to know that I was not alone.  When the nurse came in to administer the IV meds, I went to the bathroom to wipe my tear-stained face.  After she left, I sat on the side of my bed weeping some more and proclaiming scripture over this precious baby and over my heart.

You see, what I had forgotten was a word I received from a friend: 2 Tim 1:7 "God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love, and a sound mind."  Power.  I forget that we have so much power when we claim scripture.  I forget what a great reminder that is.  I forget that we have the power to choose what we allow into our hearts and minds and if we allow the fear to come in, we are giving the enemy exactly what he wants.  That fear can take control, robbing us of any peace and joy that could have been found.  And that's exactly what happened here, for a brief moment.

I am going back to bed soon (because I have to wake up to turn off the IV machine around 1:30).  But I'm going back to bed with this- that spirit of fear, that panic attack I just had, that was not from God.  That was a lie from the enemy, trying to steal my joy.  And because I am a believer, I am claiming healing over my son.  I have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me- that power that I have been too timid to tap into (for God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity).  I have the power to claim healing and if it be God's will- that healing will take place.  

So tonight, in this place, all fear is gone and I am claiming healing over Shepherd... in His name.  And I fully expect to wake up tomorrow refreshed and with great results.  I fully expect that if this is God's true will, my son will walk out of here tomorrow and we will return home where mommy can snuggle him tightly for as long as she wants to... and then he can help unfold laundry.  ;)  And when he does, I'll take a picture of it for you- not because it will make him smile, but because I want to capture that precious smile for me to stare at for years to come.  :)

Just being real.  Thanks for letting me be vulnerable for a moment.

No longer fearful,

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part III- HEY SMELLY SHELLY

Seriously.  When's the last time you took a bath?  I'm just wondering.  I snuck one in this morning by happenstance, but normally that doesn't happen until AFTER the Hottie comes home (unless I have some important meeting or have a reason to get dressed up).  On that happy note- when is the last time you actually put make up on just for your husband?  Not for a meeting or for company who is coming, but just for him.  I know some of you may be just fine "au natural" but I want you to think back to when you first started dating your husband.

I can remember it like it was yesterday (and it has been ten years).  For our first alone time together (that was not officially a date, but really was a date) I spent well over two hours primping and getting ready to try to impress this man... The Hottie.  I changed my outfit close to 35 times and fixed and re-fixed my hair.  I applied make up, then changed my eye color, then lip color until everything was absolutely perfect.  Even still I was convinced it wasn't quite good enough.  And the man?  He only needed to shower and throw on some clothes (approximately 15 minutes from start to finish) and he was ready.

So when he arrived at my door and I got that grin- you know the one- I knew those 2+ hours were worth it.  And from that moment until we married, I never went to see him without complete make up, a shower, and beautiful hair.  I wanted him to want me- in every way.  I wanted him to be attracted to me and to think I was beautiful because I'd certainly never felt that way before.

But after we married and I'd gained 732641209384 pounds from having children, I got so busy with the kids and housework and diapers and more diapers and... just life.  And suddenly I'd found myself in frump girl mode.  I know you've been there, girl- most of us have at some point.  A friend who recently had a baby described it as losing your identity in your children.  Suddenly you're no longer just Christi... you are someone's mom, taxi, nurse, teacher, maid, chef, etc...  easy to see how you could get lost in that place.  But that doesn't mean you should stay there.

When I went back to work at Chevron after having Jacob (before Shepherd), I'd spend a fair amount of time getting cleaned up and primping.  I wasn't trying to impress anyone, but at work, I got to just be "Christi" again- not mom, or wife, or anything else- just Christi.  And I noticed him "noticing me" more... and I liked it. And then I had Shepherd... and I was lost again.  And the Hottie has been coming home to frump girl every since.

Thankfully I am blessed with the sort of man who won't go looking elsewhere.  Not sure how I got so blessed, but he is a rare gem, indeed.  So should I let that keep me from making an effort?  Should I just continue to let myself go until I'm completely undesirable?  No.  Because then I'm merely the woman he HAS to be with, not the one he WANTS to be with.   And while I'm thinking about it- what kind of message am I sending if I only make an effort when I have a meeting or go to church?  Am I showing him he is valued?  Not so much.

Something attracted him to me.   In the same way I have chosen to be his playmate and appealed to that side of him, I am also choosing in 2012 to put Frump Girl away... for good.  I showered this morning and will fix my hair and apply make up at some point BEFORE he comes home from work. I'll pick up the clutter and throw on something that shows off a little bit of my style- rather than my jammies from the past three days and no bra.  I want him to WANT to come home to me- not to be afraid of what he will see when he walks through the door (seriously...  me + no make up and no shower = SCARY).

I want him to feel excited and to know I'm making this effort for him.  I want him to feel loved and, knowing that it really does require extra effort on my part to accomplish when he's not home, appreciate that today was a day I took a bath.

So here's a challenge to my lady friends- take a bath.  Try to put on a little make up- not like smokey prom eyes or anything... just cover up the sun damage, add some mascara and lip gloss, and remind him of your youthful appeal.  And for the love of Pete, brush your hair (and your teeth- nobody wants to smell that)!  So, you're a size 19349425 and you don't feel sexy.  So what?  I read somewhere that sexy is an attitude.  Work that attitude, girlfriend and remind him why he snatched you up in the first place.  Give him a reason to want to come home a little earlier next time, and remember this- the most important thing you can put on is a smile.  People who smile are 1,000 times more beautiful than people who don't.  So you've gained a few pounds this holiday season... just smile.  Trust me- he won't be looking at your tummy.  ;)

Workin' it...

The Real Life Mom

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part II- BIG GIRL PANTIES

Okay, so we're on to desperate housewives, part II.  ;)  My advice for the day?  Stop taking things so seriously.  That's right, I said it.  Put on your big girl panties and make a choice to let some of those things go. Or, as they say, don't sweat the small stuff- and it's all small stuff.

Truly, I can say I agree with this.  Today The Hottie accidentally knocked over the tackle box I keep my jewelry organized in... and sent half of my earrings and two of my favorite bracelets down the drain.  Here I had two options- 1- make him feel really bad and never see my jewelry again or 2- grab the big girl panties and laugh it off- let him off the hook so he can let himself off the hook- and never see my jewelry again.

I chose the latter of the two and it paid off big time.  He was already feeling awful and was trying to find ways to retrieve said jewelry when I walked in to the bathroom.  I knew he was mad at himself and in that moment I felt only compassion for this poor (adorable) soul.  I mean, after all- the jewelry can all be replaced, but that moment- I'll never get that back.

So I walked into the bathroom and just giggled.  Not what he expected- not even close (I think I even surprised myself a little here).  The old me would have overreacted and made him feel horrible for losing my $5 earrings (have I mentioned how cheap I am?)  But today I laughed... and then we laughed as he tried (unsuccessfully) to retrieve my jewelry.  And then something clicked inside of me and I realized it is possible to change- even in the seemingly small things.  In this instance, I chose not to take it seriously and because of it, we had a wonderful evening.  In the past, there would have been a lot of yelling and shaming, whining and nagging...  aren't you glad I bought those panties?

Now if only I could find that gift card to Sam Moon...

Big girl panties, my friends...  invest in a pair- they pay off better than Victoria's Secret.  ;)  Just sayin'.

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Happy New Year

So I didn't post anything about the new year.  Surprised?  I thought I'd write out some resolutions or make some really thought-provoking statements, but I came up dry.  I wrote some ideas of things I'd like to conquer in 2012 and some personal changes I'd like to make, but nothing truly blog-worthy.  I had not one ounce of wit, humor, or wisdom to share.  And then I went to church yesterday morning...  

I'd have to say yesterday was one of those days where the aroma of my heart going into service was more of a wretched stench and when I left, not a trace of what was, was left.  The message was given by a member of our staff, not our typical pastor.  None-the-less, it was filled with the beauty of truth and scripture that I'd imagine every person in that place needed to hear.  When they post the link on our church website, I'll share it here.  Until then, let me just say dear friend, I'm empowered and inspired!

Can't wait to share more! And for the record, I'm not on anti-depressants (anymore).  Just liked the picture.

happy New year!

No Longer I- truly,

The Real Life Mom

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part I

No, I'm not THAT kind of housewife...  definitely not desperate (even though I've been dangerously close to desperation in the past).  But I do have a few secrets of my own to share.  These are things I've learned in my nearly ten years of marriage.  Yes, I know that some of you seasoned housewives may laugh at my mere ten years, but I should remind you- at least five of those years were Hell on Earth- God had to break me, change me, and mold me (and is still continuing to do so).

THROWING STONES and JUST LAUGH- two posts from the past year about lessons God revealed to me.  And now, secrets of a housewife- part I

Last night The Hottie and I were trying to entertain ourselves while waiting for company to arrive.  We've been so exhausted as of late that we typically sit down at the computer or pull out our phones to let the internet take us away to facebook or Pinterest.  But something got into us last night and we wound up reenacting a scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Brangelina's assassins movie).  No, this was not on purpose, and no- it was not a dirty scene... (I'm not ready to be THAT open with you all, just yet).  It was the scene where they realize they are both professional assassins and they completely destroy this amazing house trying to kill one another.  (I know, I know- the resemblance is astounding... I get that a lot).

But no, in case you were confused, that's not us and no, we weren't trying to kill one another, (nor did we destroy the house).  I saw he and Shepherd playing with a Nerf gun and something in me realized he needed a playmate... and maybe I did, too.  The big kids were asleep, so I loaded up a nearby Nerf gun, (with additional ammo in the pocket, which is essential) and we chased each other around the house shooting and reloading as quickly as we could.

As we played, I watched him go from completely exhausted to completely exuberant in no time at all.  He became excited and joyful- with a childlike glow in his gaze.  I gave him the gift of allowing him to just be himself in that moment and not trying to mold him into someone he is not.  And when all was said and done (and he'd completely killed me with Nerf bullets, or darts, or whatever you call them)  my man was satisfied and no matter what happened  the rest of that evening, he felt loved.

So what I would say I've learned through this is that when it's time to play 1- make sure you have plenty of ammo, of course, and 2- play- all out.  He needs to feel free to be a man- sometimes a young, playful man- and he needs you not just to understand that, but to enjoy that side of him as well.  I've spent far too much time shaming him for pieces of his personality that I didn't like or that I felt he needed to grow out of and God showed me that just as God loves me for who and where I am right now (flaws and all), The Hottie needs to be loved (and enjoyed) completely for who he is- right now, and not who he may one day become.  So, friend, if that love looks like a game of Mr. & Mrs. Smith- I say bring it.  It's definitely okay (and even likely a  good idea) on occasion- to let him win. But don't get crazy, I said on occasion.  ;)  

Happy New Year!

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

I am NOT a tree.

I'm one of those people who are easily motivated. Not. Kidding. When I was younger, I'd watch a cereal commercial and suddenly be convinced that I NEEDED to go make myself a bowl of cereal... the chocolate kind... or Lucky Charms... or...  I better stop before I decide I need some of that sugary goodness.  Is it sad that I just drooled a little? (ADD...)

Anyway,  I'm not typically a hard sell. I can see an image like this one and think to myself-  "Yep! I'm getting back in the habit now! I AM going to work out and I AM going to follow through with this! THIS TIME I WILL NOT FAIL."  It really doesn't take much- it never has.

Getting motivated has never been my issue (seriously- just typing this while that image is sitting there is making me want to hit the treadmill)- it's the follow through that has really been my downfall. But I saw this quote today, "If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree." ~Jim Rohn. 

 It sounds so simple- silly, even. It's almost too simple, right? Not really... I mean, the last time I checked, I wasn't a tree, so I CAN change, right?  My roots aren't forcing me to stay who I have always been.  There is, in fact, NOTHING holding me here- except me. So why don't I change? I'm filled with every good intention of changing. In fact, good intentions pretty much define me on any given day.  

I have good intentions of following through with that next diet and losing all of my weight. I have good intentions of getting my house cleaned and paying each of my bills or loans on time, every time.  I tell myself every day that I will go to bed early so I can wake up early, spend some really, truly, quiet, alone time with God and then shower, put on some make up so I don't scare the natives, and make a hot breakfast and lunches- All BEFORE the Hottie and kids even start to think about waking up.  (Yes, I am aware these expectations are a little unrealistic.)  And then each day, I have some thing that keeps me up until way too late and the Hottie and kids usually beat me out of bed, helping themselves to whatever cereal or cold breakfast choices can be found in the pantry. Then I am discouraged first thing in the morning and I think to myself "Fail. I guess I'll try again tomorrow."  

And the cycle continues. (Maybe I need therapy?)   :)

Anyway, I have the best intentions of making these amazing new year's resolutions and following through with them- each of them... and I never do (who does?)  I have these amazing intentions that I tell people about- like writing this book and starting this ministry, training to run a half marathon a few years back, becoming a speaker... all of these great dreams and intentions. And yet, here we are at the end of another year and I'm somehow disappointed in myself... again.

And for the record, I must say I sincerely DISLIKE New Year's resolutions. I love the idea of having a clean slate and starting over from scratch. (Don't we all?)  I like the idea of starting new- as if just because I was a screw up the year before, this year will somehow be different.  But why should 2012 be any different than 2011 or 2010 or the 30 years before that?  (Yes, math whiz, I'm 32.)  

I read this earlier today- "Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow."  ~Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros  Huh.  She (I think this is a she) has a point.  What I am now is not all bad.  I'm not good at follow through, but I'm gifted in several areas, I'm passionate, and I'm occasionally funny.  I'm good at teaching, good at loving on people, and organized (in my mind, folks... not in my house).  For those parts of me, I am thankful.  I guess I will just keep fighting to become this person that I want so badly to be.  Not that my expectations are completely realistic (another growth area for me) but I know who I want to be and right now, I'd say I have quite a road to travel.  But I'll keep fighting.  I know I can't do it all on my own or in my own strength, but I know I am responsible for making the choice to change and taking the necessary steps to get there.

Within each of us is the capability to become the person God created us to be. He knew we'd all face struggles and He gave us the tools we'd need to overcome those struggles.  Time to tap into those tools and "man up" as the Hottie says.  Time to recognize I am NOT a tree, so I can change it... and I WILL.  I recognize that I'm feeling dangerously inspired at the moment, so I won't write out a long list of resolutions (yet).  Instead, I think I'll go have some cereal while I wrap myself in my new Snuggie and contemplate the new me I'd like to try to become in 2012.  

Still growing...  still learning to let go.  

NO LONGER I (right?),

The Real Life Mom.

YOU ARE GOOD

THIS is exactly what I needed to help me refocus 3 days before Christmas.

Don't Miss It

"¹ God, you are my God. 

       I search for you. 
    I thirst for you 
       like someone in a dry, empty land 
       where there is no water. 
 ² I have seen you in the Temple 
       and have seen your strength and glory.
 ³ Because your love is better than life, 
       I will praise you.
 ⁴ I will praise you as long as I live. 
       I will lift up my hands in prayer to your name.
 ⁵ I will be content as if I had eaten the best foods. 
       My lips will sing, and my mouth will praise you. 

 ⁶ I remember you while I'm lying in bed; 
       I think about you through the night. 
 ⁷ You are my help. 
       Because of your protection, I sing.
 ⁸ I stay close to you; 
       you support me with your right hand.


Psalm 63 

Or, as I heard it in a Jami Smith song:

"Oh, God, you are my God!  Earnestly I seek you!  My body longs for you, my soul thirsts for you.  In a dry and weary land, where there is no stream.  You extend your gracious hand and give life to me..."


People don't speak this way anymore- not most people, anyway.  You might hear language like this in an overly dramatic love story or in one of those awkward yogurt commercials "My body longs for you... oh chocolate goodness!"  But rarely will we hear people praying like this or even speaking OF God like this, let alone TO Him like this.   


Here we have David- in the desert of Judah- crying out in desperation for God. There aren't too many times I've cried out in desperation for God when I wasn't seeking His hand.  Here David is simply saying "God- it's YOU I want- all of YOU!"  Not God's hand... His heart.  


David's words made me blush a bit.  I mean- I've honestly thought this way about the hottie... (I'll spare you the details).  I've felt like my body longed  for water or for food... but not too often have I thought how my body was longing for God.  And it makes me a little sad, and really almost jealous of this wonderful relationship that David had with God.  I want that.  


I have spent much of my life seeking the favor of God or the hand of God and I want to be back in that place where I first fell in love with Him... where all I wanted was His love.  I know we've been through seasons of physical need and have been learning to trust Him as our provider.  He's proven Himself time and time again.  So I think it's time for us to continue to grow as we get to know Him.  Yes, we will always need and depend on His provision and His direction and guidance to get us through life, but I want to hunger and thirst for Him.  I want to know Him so intimately that the times when I am not alone with Him, my body longs for Him and my soul thirsts for Him...


As we continue to get closer to Christmas day, I've been visiting with the kids about Christmas, about the birth of Christ and why it's so important.  We've talked about Jesus coming to save us, but I want them to know and understand this as well.  It was never just about us being saved.  It was about God's love- coming down to earth.  He wanted to separate the great divide so that we could know Him here on earth and experience His great love in an active relationship with Him and to know Him intimately BEFORE we get to heaven.  Yes, He did come to save us, but to love us as well.  "For God so loved the world..."  He loved us.  In spite of our sin, He still loves us.  Even though we've gotten away from the meaning of the season.  Even though we've commercialized this day.  Even though we've been hand seekers, rather than heart seekers.


I cannot help but stand in awe of this love- this amazing love that He has for us- for me.  He knew I'd be one of the greatest screw ups to ever live.  He knew I'd lie, cheat, steal, and gossip.  He knew I'd lose my temper with my kids and be a glutton.  He knew I'd go through seasons of only seeking His hand... and still he loved me.  In spite of it all, HE. LOVED. ME. He pursued me.  He never, not for one moment, did not love me- or you, or any of us.  


I saw this morning that a world renowned pastor said on national television that the true meaning of Christmas was making memories with your family.  I'm not here to bash anyone, but dear pastor, you're way off base... and I hope you figure it out sooner rather than later, because dear friend- you are missing out.  The true meaning of Christmas is love.  God's love.   


And so, as I sip my cup of warm morning goodness, I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.  In the midst of memory making and holiday traditions, baking, shopping, lights, wrapping, and giving- don't miss it...  it is, after all, the reason for this season.


Still learning.  Still growing.  Still becoming


No longer I,


The Real Life Mom

See What Had Happened Was...

I'm a klutz.  Yep.  In the words of Fresh Prince, see what had happened was...

I was visiting with one of my dearest friends (and my mentor) and was looking for something in my room when she announced that The Hottie was calling.  And like any star struck teenager, I turned to run for the phone because, you know... this is only 2011- and it's not like I could have called him back or anything.  Anyway, as soon as I turned around, I tripped over a hope-chest-type piece of furniture that resides at the foot of my bed.

First the big toe, then the shin...  (and no wordy dirds this time).  In the midst of it all, I somehow twisted or did something odd that caused massive pain in both my hip and my knee.  So, here I sit, watching my movie marathon and drowning my pain in chick flicks.  Awesomeness.

But I was thinking... I can remember a few years ago when I used to ignore the call from The Hottie.  I can remember when he wasn't The Hottie to me, but more of someone I was stuck with- someone I loathed.  When things were like that between us, I never would have broken my leg to catch his phone call.  But God is a big God who answers big prayers and changes big, prideful people... and He changed me.

Not that our marriage is always blissful and perfect.  Perfection is only in the movies.  But we have hope and a future...  Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you' says The Lord 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."  It's funny how time flies and how God's word is so full of truth and promise...  hope, and a future.  Who would have thought?

So today, this last day of November, I'd like to say I'm thankful- thankful for the amazing man God has blessed me with, thankful for a mentor who pushed through the hard times and who is, in fact, the very reason we are still married (as God used her to breathe life into us).  Thankful for a God who loves us so much that He sent His son to die so that we, in the midst of all of our selfishness, pridefulness, and drama, could be saved and could experience His plan for our lives- a plan that includes joy and the ability to laugh together as I hobble to the door to greet him underneath a mistletoe that our daughter hand picked just for us.

A line from one of my favorite songs "What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord."  Thank you Lord for giving us hope and giving us joy.  Thank you Lord for changing me and beginning a good work in me.... in all of us.

Anyhow, I better run... er... get off of the computer.  The Hottie is calling...

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Food For Thought

So...

Yeah.  I thought I'd jump on to blog because.... well... it's been FOR.EV.ER since I last wrote.  And I feel like I should at least try to write something.  The thing is, I've got nothing.  Those years of drugs must have really done me in.  (i'msokidding).  I never inhaled.  Okay, I better be careful.  This is how rumors get started.  for the record-  I was a D.A.R.E. kid.  I remember one time when the D.A.R.E. officers told us we could die from trying any drugs one time... so I never did.  Seriously.  That's all it took.  And no, I'm not a nerd- well, at least not anymore.  I was super afraid.  Even with all of my friends who occasionally smoked pot or did... whatever else they did.  I was afraid to die, so I "just said no".

Yeah... thanks to that pretty little logo, I was brainwashed for the better.

But I was a good kid.  Well, that's a lie.  I did get in to my fair share of trouble at home.  (And trust me when I say, it was NOT my fault.  I have a sister named Amy.  We'll blame 99.9% of it on her).  But outside of the house, I was a good kid...  at least, according to my memory.  My parents might tell a different story, and I'm certain my sister would, but since this is MY blog and MY story, I'll tell it MY way.  ;)

Annnnnyway, I was thinking today as I listened to a message from Dr. Chris Zaino.  He's a chiropractor here in the area.  Anyway, Dr. Zaino has some great insight about how the human body works.  I haven't committed to being a patient of his just yet, but I'm definitely a believer in what he had to share regarding getting through the holidays..

There was a point... and it was interrupted by ADD.

Oh yes!  So as you know, I've tried just about every diet known to man.  I've tried to lose weight and tried to maintain control of my physical body. But the funny thing is, I never stopped to consider what I am putting into my body that could be affecting everything else.  It was always about portion control, or eat this or don't eat that.  One of the things Dr. Zaino was talking about in this lecture was eating for life.  He really made me think about the quality of life I want to have.  I'll be on the earth for as long as God wants me to be here.  So if that's another 50 years, awesome. If not, awesome.  However long it is, I want to live a life that honors Him, and I want to be healthy doing it.

I think a life that honors Him includes making choices that honor Him.  1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."  I don't think that making a choice to have an occasional treat is bad, but I do think that by overindulging consistently and allowing my health to go down the drain, I am also choosing 1- NOT to honor God and 2- whatever consequences come with living like that.

I guess what I'm getting at is- when I was younger I was so aware of what I didn't put in to my body.  I didn't want to die form the drugs and so I committed with a firm resolve to stand my ground against drugs- even in the midst of strong temptation (and trust me- the temptation caused by the need for man's approval is tremendous).  So what I'm thinking now is- more than half of the food and medicine I put into my body is toxic.  While it may not kill me immediately, it will definitely kill me eventually... or at least drastically decrease my quality of life.  So why not make the choice to eat for life instead living to eat?  Maybe instead of Drug Abuse Resistance Education, we can start FOOD Abuse Resistance Education?  It would be F.A.R.E...  Catchy?  What do you think?

Just some food for thought.

No Longer I

The Real Life Mom

What's In A Number?

Several thoughts as I sit down to write today- in fact, there will likely be another post on an entirely different subject.

But anyway, I was thinking- each week, I prepare a message, pray over said message and show up on Thursday mornings to teach it.  Some weeks, God really blesses me through the message.  Those weeks are usually when I can feel Him in the room, sometimes even speaking through me.  Other weeks (such as this week) I feel frustrated and alone in the room- like God didn't show up.  I feel like I do the work and hope that the message reaches someone, anyone... and then I hear crickets.  Nothing.

It's somewhat discouraging.  Scratch that.  It can be very discouraging.

But.

I know God is working and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am being obedient and I am in my calling.

So every week isn't life-altering and spectacular. So the numbers have dropped.  What's in a number if I'm being obedient to the call of Christ?  What's in a number if that number is 1 and I am her.  If no one showed up for the study, but God still moved in my heart because I was obedient to Him, then I can think of no greater blessing than being fulfilled through obedience.

Now if I can just let go of the people-pleasing, human side of me and really buy what I'm selling here, we'll be all good.

:)

Working on letting go.

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom