Secrets Of A Housewife... Part V- DRINK THAT WATER, SISTER!

Have I ever shared with you that I have this irrational fear inside of me...

It's the fear that if people really get to know the real me, they won't like me?  Crazy, I know.  I mean, who wouldn't love me?  I'm so gosh darned cuddly and all...

2 Timothy 1:7 says this:
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity but of peace, love, and a sound mind."

So why do I wrestle with this???  I mean, The Hottie knows me- ALL(most all) of me and he still loves me, right?

When I was growing up, I was that doormat friend. I was the one who people walked all over.  And I'd let them just so long as they would still be my "friend".  I put up with ridicule, with sarcasm.  I was the butt of all of the jokes in some of my friendship circles... and I allowed it.  If they said I was too loud, I'd become quiet.  If they said I had ugly eyes, I believed them and agreed with them.  If they made fun of me or anything about me, I'd laugh along with them, so as not to offend or drive them away- which, in reality, is likely why I make fun of myself now, as a 32 year old woman.  I guess I feel like if I can beat people to the punch or point out what they must already be thinking or feeling, then maybe it won't hurt so badly.

But my whole life I wanted love so badly that I put my self out there as a rug and people took advantage of that.  I found that the people who would "care" for me, or call me friend, were those people who needed someone to belittle or those who needed to use me for whatever purposes.  And I thought I didn't mind.  I thought it was okay...

But it wasn't.

And I got hurt.  Over and over again... I got hurt.

I started to look for new ways to find acceptance and approval.  I threw up walls left and right and found the masks that people wanted me to wear.  I covered up any real feelings or emotions I had so I wouldn't be shunned. I carried these habits into adulthood- into my marriage and into my adult friendships.  Before I was married, I found that I could get "love" from my boyfriends by making myself available physically.  I figured that if I was pretty enough or sensual enough, THEN they'd love me.  If I gave into their demands for physical intimacy, THEN I would be loved.  But I was not... at least not by them- which, in turn translated long term into thoughts and fears that I was ugly, unlovable, and several other really damaging lies.

I put the ideal of marriage on this pedestal and set unattainable goals for myself.  I was convinced that if I became the perfect wife, then Kyle would meet that deep seeded need for love and then he would never leave me.  I started to look for ways to show him love- whether it be affection, friendship, "stuff", hard work, a clean and perfect home (HA!), clean and perfect children (HA, again!).  I was convinced that if I could just get it right, THEN I'd be happy and know that love I'd been so desperately longing for and trying to get from him.  And when I performed and he didn't respond, I became discouraged and angry and bitter.  I took it out on him and continued to beat myself up for not getting it right.  And when I sensed he was looking for love from me, rather than praying for God to show me the best way to love Him, I continued to do it all in my own strength... often failing and growing more and more frustrated with myself.

When it came to friendships, if I sensed that someone wanted a friend who was mellow, I'd become that person.  If someone needed to laugh, I'd be funny (or at least I'd TRY to be funny, often times unsuccessfully).  If someone needed advice, I'd become the know-it-all (gag).  If someone wanted a listener, I'd transform to become that.  If I needed to be "cool" to fit in, I'd try my hardest... which, as it turns out is so not cool.  If someone needed help with something, even if I didn't have the time or money or physical energy to help, I would MAKE a way to help.

And eventually, I just reached the end of me.  And I was exhausted.

Have you ever read THE GIVING TREE by Shel Silverstein?  I'm not her- but at some point I felt like her.  Like I'd given everything to everyone and what was left was a stump- worn, used, and feeling very unloved.

And in the process, I never really made an effort to find out who I was- like who I REALLY was.  I think there are little pieces of that person somewhere inside of me.  But try as I might, I have sucked in (worn a girdle), colored my hair, dressed up, dressed down, talked, kept quiet, studied, written, played the game of pretend... and still this square peg won't fit into that round hole.

We are designed to crave love.  All of us.  It's really frustrating, but it's true.  Each of us was created with a God-shaped void inside of our hearts- a design that would set the world in motion, searching for love.  What God intended to be a tool to keep man from being satisfied by anything else besides Him has also become a tool that the enemy uses to try to keep us looking everywhere else EXCEPT the one place where we know that thirst will be satisfied.

Isaiah 55:1 says:
"Come to me all you who are thirsty.  Come to the waters."

John 4:10-14 Jesus is speaking to the Samaritan woman:
"¹⁰ Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”

 ¹¹ “Sir,” the woman said, “you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? ¹² Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his livestock?”

 ¹³ Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

I don't know about you, but I'm awfully tired of being thirsty.  I know the well I've been drawing from will always leave me thirsty- leave me longing for more.  I know there are times when I turn to The Hottie or to other friends to quench that thirst.  I'm pretty sure everyone does that at some point or another (some people search their entire lives and are never satisfied)- it's part of the idiot cycle.  

I know I'll never be good enough, smart enough, perform well enough, be funny enough, or pretty enough to satisfy the deep desires that people are looking for... so why don't I just give it up and stop trying to be something I'm not?  Because I'm human and I'm prone to wander.  Knowing the truth doesn't mean I always live by it- it just means that I have the head knowledge, understanding the truth and the power it brings.  

The practice of becoming who I was designed to be is a life long process.  I may stumble and I may fall.  I may pick those masks up again when I'm feeling lonely.  But the most beautiful lesson I have learned in all of this mask wearing is that underneath it all, I am His and I am loved.  Even if I choose to put on the mask.  Even if I forget whose I am.  Even if I wander and make a mistake (or in my case, MANY mistakes).

There will not ever be (nor has there ever been) as time when being myself will be too much for the one who created me.  There will not ever be a time when I have to earn His love, His acceptance, His approval.  There will not ever be a day where He uses me or only loves me because of what I can do for Him- but rather loves me even when I seek only His hand and not His face.  

So, dear friend- today's housewife secret?  Drink.  Drink deeply and drink long. Instead of trying to pull what you think you need from your poor husband, give him a break and DRINK!!!  "Come to me all you who are thirsty.  Come to the waters."

He loves me.  He loves you.  Nothing can change that.  Period.  

The enemy will always be out there trying to convince us that God's love will never be enough. He keeps trying to tell me I need to be stronger, perform better, work harder...  He tries to convince me that I'll never be good enough for anyone or anything...  never be good enough to fulfill the calling God has placed on my life, never be smart enough to be respected, never be pretty enough to get the attention I think I want, never be talented enough to do anything other than blog and raise babies and run my mouth.

Remember this- he's a liar.

Remember this as well- when you feel alone in your marriage, when you feel like you can't do anything right,   when you feel like no matter what you do, your spouse just isn't meeting your needs and he/she never will...  when you feel like all hope is lost, when you feel like you just can't go on, when you feel like no one could ever love you...

He is there.  And HE deeply, desperately, intimately loves YOU.  Drink. 

Ephesians 3:14-21
¹⁴ For this reason I kneel before the Father, ¹⁵ from whom every family^[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. ¹⁶ I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, ¹⁸ may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, ¹⁹ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

 ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

No longer thirsy,

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part IV PRAY FOR YO MAN!

So I know that when Shepherd had to go into the hospital, I abandoned the Secrets of a Housewife series.  Instead, I shared photos and stories of our never-ending drama.  Now that the drama is over (praise the Lord!!!) I'm moving on to writing about other things.  As I was trying to think about what to write, I actually received a couple of requests to re-start said series.  I know... seriously.  I was shocked, too.  I've never gotten a specific request before and I hate to leave you all hanging.

Aaaaaaand, seeing as how I spent so much time working out the details of this series I'm somewhat excited to move on with it.  I mean, you all can only read so many posts about my ever-so-entertaining-(but only in hindsight)-grocery store trips.  So, here she is- the housewife!

In case you are just now joining us, in Part I of the series, FOUND HERE, we discussed the importance of playing with your man... and I don't want to get into too much trouble, so I'll just say read the blog... and go play. ;)  I know it's been a while- take some time to re-read it.  I just did and it was a helpful reminder for today.  In Part II, I reminded each of us (yes, myself included) not to sweat the small stuff.  You can check it out BY CLICKING HERE.  Part III was a very helpful reminder (one I'm sure your friends will also appreciate) about making an effort- bathing every once in a while (and so much more.)  Read about that HERE.

Now on to part IV.  There are so many specific topics I want to address.  Some funny some not-so-much.  Today I'd like to share a little something that I have been learning.

Prayer.  I know I've blogged much in the past about prayer.  I've read dozens and dozens of books on prayer and sat through countless studies and sermons on prayer.  But the thing that has really rocked my world with regards to prayer lately is this- a friend asked me to organize a group of women from our church to pray for the men in our church who were going to retreat.  At first I was confused- I thought surely she'd chosen the wrong girl.  I mean, I am only 32!  I am just a normal girl.  I'm not anything special.  Shouldn't that be handled by someone who is like "in" with God??  Shouldn't that be handled by an elder or someone more mature?!??!

There were 12847123 questions and doubts in my mind, but I felt like in spite of those questions and doubts, I was supposed to do this.  So I agreed.  And I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

As with anything I put my name on, I try to make it excellent- like every detail perfectly planned and carried out.  You want a meal?  I'll do it, and I'll go all out.  You need help planning an event or throwing a party?  I'm your girl- expect perfection.  That's how my mind works.  If I am going to put my name on something, I want it to be EXCELLENT.  And this prayer shield was no different.   I was convinced I had to make this fantastic!

I know you're thinking- what's the big deal?  You pray. With people.  Over e-mail.  While in your jammies- you don't even have to bathe!  Why is this so complicated?  Here it is, sister...  I love to pray.  I love to pray for my friends, with my friends, and with people I don't know.  I'm all about that.

But still I worried.  In spite of the internal drive to make it perfect, I wrestled with doubt.  This- this husbands and men thing was so much bigger than me- than just praying for a minute or two and walking away.  It was greater than sending out an e-mail or two and then going on with my life.  This was me, submitting to God, fully- and allowing Him to work through me in one of the major areas where I was still trying to hold on to "CONTROL".  My husband... and my church.

And so what if retreat didn't go well???  And what if none of the men experienced change?  What if they all came back exactly the same as when they'd left?  I wrestled with these thoughts and in doing so, I took on a burden that wasn't mine to bear.  I thought that if something went wrong and it wasn't the greatest retreat ever, that maybe God was trying to send a message- that I wasn't the right girl for the job or that my prayers weren't "good enough".  HA!!!!  Yes, you read that right...  I seriously worried that if it wasn't completely perfect, God would hold me accountable.

But as I began this journey, I started to write out prayers specifically for The Hottie... and then it grew to some other people I knew who were attending retreat, and then, like wildfire, the passion inside of me ignited and I wanted to pray for everyone would would even step foot on that retreat campus.  I don't know why, but I became impassioned with a desire to surrender every single one of these men to The Lord.  I wanted God to move in a way I had only imagined before.   Re-read that.  I wanted God to move....

Somewhere along the way, it hit me.  It's never been my responsibility to change The Hottie or to change the men of WoodsEdge.  It's never been my burden to bear.  It's all fully, and completely God's.  But I had to be in an active attitude of submission and surrender before I could see that.  I can remember reading Stormy Omartian's book- THE POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE, and thinking... yeah, yeah... but you don't understand....  my situation is so different.  But it was really I who did not understand.

You see, that weekend, God was not waiting for me to pray or to organize a large group of others in prayer so that He could begin His work.  I'm confident He would have moved even if we hadn't prayed.  But praying for The Hottie and the other men changed me. No, it didn't cause a tremendous revival....  at least not yet, anyway.  But it CHANGED ME.  God did a work in me during those few days that I will not soon forget.  He stirred the flames inside of me, causing me to hunger and thirst for HIS WORDS (scripture) and HIS PLAN for our men... not my own.  He opened my blind eyes to see His hand moving in the hearts and souls of the men at our church- especially my own precious husband.

I challenged myself and others to fast during this weekend- going all out in this commitment to pray for our husbands.  I chose to fast from several things, but one huge sacrifice for me was fasting from my online TV shows.  Instead of playing on Facebook or watching my shows, I dove into scripture with a hunger and fervor that I haven't experienced since college.   I prayed while I was cleaning.  I prayed while I was doing the ordinary, mundane tasks that are associated with my particular role.  I prayed as I was going to sleep and when I woke up.   I went on with life that weekend, but at most any given moment, my heart was in an attitude of prayer.  And I don't say that to boast- not at all...  I say that because I expected myself to fail.  I expected to get distracted or to forget.  I expected to let myself, God, and others down...  but after spending so much time preparing and praying for that weekend, my expectations changed.  Instead of expecting things from myself or from others, I expected God to move, and trusted that He would.

And when Kyle came home, I experienced a peace and a joy that I haven't felt in such a long time.  I felt like everything I'd tried to control in the past- everything I'd tried to change about The Hottie to make him into who I thought he should be....  it felt like none of that mattered because God was doing a work in Him- so much greater than anything I could have ever done on my own.

Psalm 127:1 says 
" ¹ Unless the LORD builds the house, 
   the builders labor in vain. 
Unless the LORD watches over the city, 
   the guards stand watch in vain."

So basically, I've been laboring in vain for a reeeeeeeeeeeeally long time.  As long as I tried to change my husband into who I thought he should be, I was laboring in vain.  But the moment I chose to fully surrender all of my hopes, dreams, desires to The Lord, HE CHANGED ME and he revealed to me that His plan for Kyle is SO MUCH MORE AWESOME than anything I'd ever be able to accomplish on my own!!  And better yet- His plan was for me to love Kyle RIGHT NOW.  RIGHT WHERE HE IS and then let God do the work of transforming The Hottie into the man God created him to be.

And I know I've said it before, but I don't think I really got it.  Until now.  God wanted to change both of us and He wanted me to be in a place of surrender so he could do just that.  

All 8973 paragraphs of that to say this.  Today's secret- pray for your man.  It's not like I've never prayed for Kyle before.  I pray for him all of the time. But I've surely never completely let go of that "control" that I thought I had...  I've never fully surrendered him to God.  And when I say this, I want you to understand.  I don't fully "get" everything there is to "get" about prayer, but I know that when there is a life-threatening illness or we can't afford to feed our children, I pray with a desperation that comes from deep within my soul.  I cry out, pleading with God to move- and I BELIEVE with everything that is inside of me, that HE WILL!

I think instead of just "talking to God" about my husband, I had to reach that same desperate place...  And we have a great, fun-loving marriage.  But I wanted more.  I wanted God to be the center of US... and so I reached that same desperate place and I cried out from the depths of my soul!  I pleaded with God for my husband and for all of the men in our church.  I petitioned Him for marriages, lost souls, children, and so much more!  

I've spent years and years and years and countless hours trying to figure out in my own humanness what to say to him or how to manipulate or encourage him into becoming the man I wanted him to be (or thought he should be).  And the things I wanted for him were all good things, but not necessarily God's ideal for him- for this man that HE created.  He knew what Kyle needed.  I didn't.  In my own pride, I was blinded to God and to truth and continued to follow my own plan... and it got me no where.

All God wanted me to do was give it over to Him- COMPLETELY and watch Him work.  In the past I've considered counseling, divorce, and so many other nonsensical options.  And I say nonsensical because none of those would have been a solution for the real issues.  I thought if Kyle couldn't change, then we could never be truly happy or experience God's plan for our lives.  But clearly he wasn't the only one who had some growing to do. ;)  And God knew this.  He is working His plan and changing both of us.  And it is, perhaps, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  

So give it a shot, sister...  you might be surprised.  

God has things up His sleeve that will blow your mind... if you let Him.

No Longer In Control,

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

"Y'all Gonna Make Me Lose My Mind... "

Love the title, eh?  It's from a rap song. I personally am not a huge fan of rap, but this is what I was just singing to my kids as we laughed about what happened a few short hours ago...

So here's a little piece of real life for ya...

Today, the Hottie had to study (as in- there is absolutely no time for anything else but studying today), so I decided to be the wife-hero and took all four (sleepy, hungry, grouchy) kids to the grocery store.  Yes.  All four.  No.  I'm not mental...  not clinically, anyway.

So I made my list- I went all admin on myself and typed it in excel, outlining each item so I could check it off in the little box provided as I put it in the buggy.  Yes, I have OCD... why?   Anyway, I was excited to get out of the house and not be in a hurry.  I know I'm sick, but I LOVE to go to the grocery store- not all grocery stores, but HEB in the Woodlands makes me happy.

That being said, I will acknowledge that after nearly three hours of shopping, I have never been more relieved to make my exit from said store.

During the course of our shopping trip:
* my heel was mauled by Timmy's shopping cart (which, might I add, happened while he was driving at full speed).
* Shepherd decided that this particular shopping trip was as good of a time as any to not be constipated any more (and I gagged all the way through the rest of the store).
* I was given several dirty looks by some lovely "Woodlands" people who clearly think they have more rights than my children and I to shop in that store- and all just because my children were being loud, or barely in the way.
* I lost my temper with my children 120934871 times.
* I cried twice.  Don't judge me.  You know you've done it, too.
* Forgot much and had to make my way back through the store... about 23847 times.
* I ran into several people I know (while I looked like death)...
* And the icing on the cake- forgot cash for the girl scouts

And I STILL didn't get everything on my list.

I share all that to say this:

1- Thank you LORD for PARKING FOR PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN.  and...
2- Just so you know, I'm so not perfect and you are so not alone.

:)

So glad I'm home now so we can laugh about it.  So glad I have the most fantastic children who forgive and apologize as much as I do... who are still laughing about the fact that mommy cried in the HEB.

Here's to being a wife-hero to one of the greatest husband-heroes ever created!  (And by the way, the whole "crying in HEB thing"  that's our little secret, mmmmmk?   The Hottie thinks I'm super woman and that MIGHT taint his current view.  ;)

Still growing.  Thankfully.

The real life mom.

Lessons Learned

So I learned a little lesson in obedience this weekend.

You see, there was this thing that I really, really, really wanted to do.  I sing.  I love to sing.  I love to worship- especially with other people.  I just love that feeling when harmonies are just right and the atmosphere is just right and suddenly it seems like everything else around you fades away and you are part of a heavenly choir united in worship to God.  I have several friends who are like-minded in this, and together, we made a sort of community worship choir.  This weekend was going to be our first official Sunday to sing together.  We were invited to join a friend at a fellow church this morning as a part of worship.

I was so very excited to sing and to be a part of this group.  I marked it on my calendar, I got excited and tried to get others excited.  Everything was set for me to go be a part of this... but then God used a friend to speak some words of wisdom into my life.  This friend challenged me to consider staying at our church this weekend to show support to my husband and others who had attended the men's retreat this weekend.  At first, I ignored the thought because I knew, and my husband knew that we'd be going out to this sister church because I wanted to.

But then God spoke again.  In almost audible words, I could hear Him telling me that I needed to stay this weekend and be with my husband.  I didn't understand, because I knew the Hottie knew how badly I wanted to go and be a part of this, so I knew he would understand.  So I wrestled with God.  I reasoned with Him.  I tried to explain to him that I "needed" to be with my friends, worshiping this morning.

But He continued to impress this word upon my heart "UNITY".  I felt like (for whatever reason) He was telling me I needed to stay and be with the Hottie (and other families who had been involved in retreat) at church this morning.  So... I stayed.

But I had to pray over my heart.  I didn't want to go to church with a bad attitude or with an attitude of resentment for the fact that I had to be there.  As I prayed, God turned my sour attitude into an attitude of joy.

As we got ready and left for church, I grew more and more joyful.  I felt happy to stay and support Kyle and the other men of our church.  I was so excited to watch as some of the men came forward and were baptized this morning.  It was a beautiful morning all the way around, but the lesson still didn't make sense to me.

And then Kyle spoke.  (That's The Hottie... for those of you who didn't know).  He said to me "Thank you so much for choosing me over the choir.  You have no idea how much that means to me."

Lesson. Learned.

I had been praying that God would show me how to love Kyle, to give him what he needs.  I have been trying to figure out choices that demonstrate respect, love, admiration.  My prayers were answered when God called me to obey.  Although I didn't see the answer right away, I did finally see it.  It spoke volumes to Kyle that I gave up the one thing that used to be my favorite thing in the world just to be with him and support him.

And Kyle wasn't the only one who was blessed.  My heart pounded inside of my chest when he said that to me because I realized there have been so many times in our marriage that I have chosen things or other people over him.  I have followed my own dreams and goals, often leaving him behind.  He's always been "that hot guy that I married" but I felt like he needed to know he was so much more than that.  I felt like he needed to see me sacrifice something that was truly a sacrifice for me, to really begin to understand his true value in my eyes... Ephesians 5:1-2 "¹ You are God's children whom he loves, so try to be like him.² Live a life of love just as Christ loved us and gave himself for us as a sweet-smelling offering and sacrifice to God.

We are called to unity.  Eph. 5:³¹ The Scripture says, "So a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one body." Those "things" that I have chosen in the past are good things, but they didn't necessarily honor God, as they drove a wedge between my husband and myself.  He said he always felt like choir and "church" were my priority... over him.  Don't get me wrong.  Singing with a worship choir is a great thing... but today, it wasn't a God thing- not for me anyway.  Today, the God thing for me was to obey and trust that He was working even when I didn't understand.

And in the end, I worshiped. in church. united. with my husband...  and I was so blessed.

No longer self-serving (at least not today anyway.  Baby steps...)

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Mammograms, and Boobies, and Scans... OH MY!

So I went to the breast and bone imaging center today.  I was scheduled for an ultrasound on the right breast.  Instead, they decided it would be ever-so-much-more fun to have me do a mammogram first.  You know, squeeze the life out of your girls before they scan them.  I'm convinced the doctors do this so your girls don't put up a fight during the scan.  So much fun.  Like trying to make balloon animals out of your breasts while you stand there and try not to breathe.  I think I'll plan one again soon- like a vacation for my boobies (there's a word I never thought I'd use in my blog).  

But seriously.  It really wasn't that bad.  I kept hearing all of these horror stories about mammograms, and that just wasn't my experience.  I had a great technician who made me feel very comfortable (except for that whole "I think my breast may explode" thing).  And when all was said and done, I felt good about having had my first scan out of the way.  

 

Of course, I could have done without the awkward waiting room.  It was like sitting in a spa with a room full of half dressed women.  Only there was no spa portion of the afternoon.  I wrestled with my robe so I wouldn't flash the entire room and I think I finally found a position that only exposed half of the girls to a small portion of the room.  It was my Pamela Anderson moment... only there was no beach and I wasn't jogging in slow mo with a fake tan and too much hair spray.  But other than that...  

So anyway, we finished up the mammo and then I waited.  Again.  And then they brought me back to the ultrasound room where they scanned the breast area and the lump area and the radiologist came in to discuss her findings with me.  She said she believed what she was seeing was a nasty infection.  Seriously.  After waiting three hours in this place filled with breast cancer posters and literature, I was 100% CONVINCED that when she came in, she would tell me I had some form of breast cancer. No, not because I'm a hypochondriac, but because I had read so much on the internet and in the waiting rooms, that I had convinced myself that all of my symptoms were related and I was going to be told I had breast cancer.  But instead, when she came in, she said the boobies are all clear!  (Yes, I'm a little immature and I just said boobies for effect).  

But that's right.  NO CANCER. NOTHING SERIOUS!!!

I mean, the infection is deep enough to require a small surgery to drain it, but it's NOTHING compared to what my brain was prepared to hear!  :)  Can I get a hallelujah?!?  

I thought I might feel silly if I found out it wasn't serious because there has been sooooooo much going on with me the past few months and surely people were over the drama, right?  But in reality, it was scary thing to go through and people were right there, praying with me/for me, walking through this with me.  It was real-life and really terrifying.  It was a week I'd like to never again repeat.  But it was also a week where real prayer warriors showed up stood in the gap, helping to bring peace to my heart and to our home.  

So I wanted to take a minute to say thanks for walking through this with me.  Thanks for praying.  I mean it.  I've been overwhelmingly blessed by your e-mails, phone calls, texts, and FB messages.  

So for now- have a wonderful evening!  I'm going to go cuddle up with my zebra-print snuggie and a book and thank the Lord for my health!

No longer paranoid.

No longer alone.

No longer I,

The real life, healthy mom.  :)

In Good Hands

Have I  ever told you that I'm a control freak?  I'm certain there's a better term for it, but control freak is the best thing my mind can compose at the moment, so let's go with it.

Anyway, I forget exactly when I discovered the nuisance under my arm pit.  I do remember it was only this past week so I didn't think it was anything of concern.  But then I realized what you can see is somewhat like an iceberg.  Surface level, there is an infection- this much I can see.  But I think this infection might be there to signal us to what is really going on.  There's a Cadbury Egg shaped (and sized) lymph node under this little cyst-type thing on my arm.  So when I say it's like an iceberg, I mean that what's actually there is so much larger than what is on the surface. It's a little intimidating- especially at night when the house is quiet and I have nothing to do but sit and let my mind wander.

The cyst-like thing on the top is tender, but the lymph node is large, very hard, and not tender.  All of this combined with a few other symptoms makes one a little more on edge than normal.  I'm not sleeping, definitely not resting, and just...  disturbed.  This week seems to be going by in slow motion.

Monday at 1:00 is the ultrasound.  That's 48 hours away.  48 hours to sit and think... and wait.  They said I should know a little more after that and hopefully the blood work will return by then as well.

In the mean time, I'm going CRAZY!  I do not like the feeling of not being in control.  Have I ever mentioned to you that I don't drink?  Well, I do on occasion- when we're celebrating or enjoying the company of our friends, but I discovered at an early age (I think I was 17... and I don't think I ever told my parents until right now) that I didn't like the way being drunk made me feel, so I resolved that if I chose to drink, it would only be one or two drinks at the most.  I. like. control... or at least I think I do.

I don't like the unknown is probably a better way to put it.  In reality, none of us is actually in control (and so thankful we are not).  Control is an illusion that I like to play into when I let my mind wander.  I like to imagine I've got it all "under control" when really our world can be spinning out of control at excessive speeds.

Thankfully, though- I can remember this.  The maker of the Heavens and the Earth- HE is the one in control and HE knows what I will find out this next week.  HE knows if there is something legit going on with me or if I'm just over-reacting.  HE knows what will happen today and tomorrow and everyday until the end of time.  So please tell me- why am I worried again? He's got the whole world in His hands, right?  And I'm still in that world... so...

So no more worrying.  NO more freaking out.  I mean, I'm human, so the thoughts will come.  I know worry will come, but I'll choose to take back these thoughts and process them in a healthy manner- by surrendering them and combating them with scripture and with truth.  Yes, some ideas of what could really be going on are scary, but even if something real is brewing in there... He's got this.  HE'S. GOT. THIS.  And even if I'll look like a fool in a few days for being so paranoid about it, HE'S. STILL. GOT. THIS.

Here are some scriptures I found while trying to approach this from a healthier mind set.  I was in the process of trying to surrender some of my thoughts and I stumbled on this.

Matthew 6:25-27  “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6:34  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 11:28-30  Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life?

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you;my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

So, my friend- you may not be dealing with silly armpit lumps, or control issues, but I wanted to encourage you as I was encouraged.  He's got this.  I don't have control and neither do you.  No matter what happens, HE'S GOT THIS.

And now I bet that song is stuck in your head, too...  He's got the whole world in His hands...

Trying to surrender- fears, thoughts, control... and trying to get that song out of my head.  :)

No longer I,

The VERY REAL LIFE mom.

Waiting. And WebMD

Have I ever told you how much I despise WebMD?  I used to think it was very helpful- especially when times were tough and I couldn't afford to go to the doctor every time my child sneezed.  And then I'd have a couple of completely unrelated symptoms and WebMD had me completely convinced I was dying.

I mean, we're all dying right?  But there have been times where I have been absolutely convinced that I have only a few months to live and then I go in to my doctor and I've got a cold.  I mean, seriously... can you say hypochondriac? (totally used spell checker for that one).

So since I've been a hypochondriac in the past, I was absolutely convinced that this time I'd play it "cool".  So when I noticed the enlarged lymph node under my arm, I TRIED to avoid WebMD.  I didn't want to know what they had to say about it, but somehow I ended up on one of their cousin websites.  When I inputted my symptoms, the results came back as either HODGKINS LYMPHOMA, BREAST CANCER, OR LUPUS.  None of these sound appealing.  Usually WebMD will give you about 20 options of what it could be (including the common cold)- but not this time.  This time, there were three- and these were them.  About four different web sites all told me the same thing.

But I ignored what they said.  I've over-reacted emotionally so much in the past that I thought surely this one would just be "nothing".  Never-the-less, I went in to my OBGYN this morning... just to make sure.  I shared all of my medical knowledge with her (much to her entertainment, I'm sure).  She felt the lymph node and got a concerned look on her face.  She checked the breast area just to be sure and then we had our little chat.

She said her instinct is to say that it's nothing but an infection, but because she is somewhat concerned about the size and hardness of this thing (whatever it is) she ordered more testing just to cover all of her bases.  She took four vials of blood and ordered an ultrasound for the breast and armpit (lymph) on Monday.

All of that to say- I'm glad my doctor is so thorough, but... I still have no answers.  If I was in charge of things, people would be able to get same day results so they wouldn't lose sleep on mild infections...  but, thankfully, I'm not in charge.  I'll have answers when it's time, I know.  I guess I thought I'd walk in, the doctor would laugh at me for making a mountain out of a mole hill and then send me home, but that's not what happened this time.  I thought she'd reassure me that I was still very much a hypochondriac, and share a laugh, but that didn't happen either.

In my heart of hearts, I truly believe it's nothing, so I'll take my antibiotics and hope to see a difference next week.  But in the mean time, I know some of my friends and family are worried, so please pray for peace for them.  I am in a really strange place- at peace with whatever the outcome.  I know that peace is from The Lord and I just want the same thing for them.

Thanks for reading and thanks for praying...  I have a strong feeling that this time next week, I'll be feeling really idiotic for even writing about this thing that is nothing.  But it's something to the people who love me.  Even if it's just an infection, it's enough to make you reevaluate things...

Anyway, I'll keep you posted.  :)

Waiting. (sort of) patiently.

The real life mom.

The Hottie's Speech

Have I ever told you why school is such a big deal for The Hottie?  I asked his permission to share this, so I wouldn't embarrass him.  I suspect that after today he will likely do a bit more sharing of this himself.  He is dyslexic.  Not as in- "Oh, I messed up a couple of those words while reading them", but more like "I absolutely HATE to read out loud because I cannot make what I read come out of my mouth accurately."  He has no problems writing (as evidence by his essay and the precious letters he has written me in our ten years together) but even then he will occasionally twist words around and confuse them.  I do the same thing, but am not challenged to the degree that he has been.  Because of the dyslexia, reading has always been a challenge for him- especially reading aloud.

So there was an essay contest at the college.  The award was a $1000 scholarship.  I encouraged him (against everything negative in his head) to write an essay and try to win that scholarship.  Less than 48 hours after turning in the essay, The Hottie was announced as the winner.  There was a time of celebration, but then the reality of what was to come, set in.  You see, part of the stipulation of winning the scholarship is that you have to read your essay in front of a room full of chancellors, presidents, contributors, and.... other important people from the college.

So this morning was the Chancellor's breakfast.  After dropping off all 16491726 of our children, we arrived about 15 minutes late and the morning began.  We visited with all of the people at our table- very down to earth, very friendly.  We later discovered that the college president was among our new BFFs from the table.

There were a total six scholarship recipients (one from each of the college's campuses.)  Each recipient was introduced by an "important person" and each recipient had to read their speech to the room full of about 250 people.  Seriously.  For me, this would be no big deal.  I love to speak to a crowd or to be up on stage.  I'm totally wired for that.  But Kyle?  Not so much.  He was nervous, sweaty, and emotional.

Never-the-less, as his "important person" got up to introduce the Hottie (which, by the way, and much to my disappointment, he did NOT call him) Kyle grinned that ever-so-handsome grin and walked up the the microphone.  And then it started.  Every bit of emotion, every bit of nervous energy, every bit of everything inside of him came to a head.  As he started to read, he stumbled on the words.  He teared up as he read some of the beautiful things he'd written.  He stopped several times to compose himself and pressed on.  What should have taken about 4 minutes took about ten minutes.  He struggled so intensely to get the words right and to make it sound eloquent... but he could not.

I sat about ten feet from him and grinned as he recovered, each time with a little more strength and a little more perseverance.  By the end of the speech, I was filled with so much pride, and so much joy that I could hardly contain my excitement for what this man had just done.  He KNEW he wasn't going to sound the best up there.  He KNEW he'd struggle to get through the reading... and still he pressed on.  In his speech, he spoke of his dyslexia and the struggles it had caused him.  When all was said and done, there was not one dry eye in the house and people could hardly wait to jump to their feet to show this man their pride in his accomplishment.

He received a roaring standing ovation for this feat!  (And, might I pridefully mention that his was the only standing ovation given).  ;)  I can best describe the moment by taking you back to the King's Speech (with Colin Firth).  The King was trying to inspire a nation by overcoming his stutter and addressing the nation.  Kyle was merely trying to get through an essay, but ended up inspiring a room full of people.  One by one, close to 100 people came to shake our hands after the reading.  People could not stop talking about how impressed they were with... my man.  ;)  They patted him on the back, encouraged him, and a few even hinted at possible job opportunities after graduation.  (HALLELUJER!)

It was definitely one of those mornings I will never forget.  It was the day my man, my Hottie, put aside every bit of self doubt, every bit of negative thinking, and did what he had to do... and it not only blessed me (and everyone else in the room), but it challenged and encouraged me in my own life as I struggle to put aside every bit of self doubt and negative thinking to do what I have to do.

But this post is not about me... it's about an average, ordinary man who pushed past everything emotional, everything physical that could have held him back and persevered, inspiring a room full of people to never give up.  Never quit.  So perhaps the terms "average and ordinary" don't really apply to this man after all.  No, I'd say he's more like amazing, exceptional... and, of course- hot.  ;)

Fear... and Power

In the past four days, I have taken approximately 200-300 photos of Shepherd.  It's not because I want to remember him in the hospital or because I want to show the world how terribly pitiful he looks.  I take these random photos because when he sees mommy taking his picture, he smiles, and for the past four days, all I've wanted to do was make that precious angel smile.

We're not all Facebook or e-mail friends, so for those of you who do not know, I will update you.  Shepherd has an infection in his left thigh called Cellulitis.  This infection can get really severe, really quickly, so they put him in the hospital.  Originally, we were thinking we might get to come home today, but that didn't happen.  Instead, we were told the medicine wasn't strong enough and they'd have to put him on something stronger.  So as I'm typing, he is currently receiving a two hour injection of something tremendously stronger than the medicine he was originally on.

When this all started, I noticed he wanted to be held a lot more.  That's right- Mr. Independent wanted mommy ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of the time and I had no idea it was because he was getting so very sick.  And I complained and whined about having to hold him.  I was frustrated because I couldn't clean my house the way I wanted to, or put away the ever growing mountain of laundry.  I was mad that he was in my way... and now that he's sleeping less than two feet from me, all I want to do is wake him up, cuddle him, and never let go.

You see, I laid down a few minutes ago to go to sleep and as I closed my eyes, my heart filled with panic and sorrow, and the first picture that came to my head was Shepherd's funeral.  Seriously- he's not that sick. I mean, I thought "It's a bug bite, I think- he'll be fine." and I didn't want to over dramatize it.  I thought "He's fine, no need to worry."  I thought "We'll go home on Saturday..." and now here we are, 12:05 on Sunday morning, marking our fourth official day here.  So obviously, it's serious, but not "funeral" serious.

He's no where near death, but I've had this nagging feeling that something really bad was going to happen to him for a while now (like months).  And being in the hospital, I have had complete peace- until about 20 minutes ago.  A real panic swept over me... until I heard his gentle snores.

I immediately picked up the phone and texted a friend.  I wanted to know someone could pray for peace for me.  I wanted to know that I was not alone.  When the nurse came in to administer the IV meds, I went to the bathroom to wipe my tear-stained face.  After she left, I sat on the side of my bed weeping some more and proclaiming scripture over this precious baby and over my heart.

You see, what I had forgotten was a word I received from a friend: 2 Tim 1:7 "God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love, and a sound mind."  Power.  I forget that we have so much power when we claim scripture.  I forget what a great reminder that is.  I forget that we have the power to choose what we allow into our hearts and minds and if we allow the fear to come in, we are giving the enemy exactly what he wants.  That fear can take control, robbing us of any peace and joy that could have been found.  And that's exactly what happened here, for a brief moment.

I am going back to bed soon (because I have to wake up to turn off the IV machine around 1:30).  But I'm going back to bed with this- that spirit of fear, that panic attack I just had, that was not from God.  That was a lie from the enemy, trying to steal my joy.  And because I am a believer, I am claiming healing over my son.  I have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me- that power that I have been too timid to tap into (for God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity).  I have the power to claim healing and if it be God's will- that healing will take place.  

So tonight, in this place, all fear is gone and I am claiming healing over Shepherd... in His name.  And I fully expect to wake up tomorrow refreshed and with great results.  I fully expect that if this is God's true will, my son will walk out of here tomorrow and we will return home where mommy can snuggle him tightly for as long as she wants to... and then he can help unfold laundry.  ;)  And when he does, I'll take a picture of it for you- not because it will make him smile, but because I want to capture that precious smile for me to stare at for years to come.  :)

Just being real.  Thanks for letting me be vulnerable for a moment.

No longer fearful,

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part III- HEY SMELLY SHELLY

Seriously.  When's the last time you took a bath?  I'm just wondering.  I snuck one in this morning by happenstance, but normally that doesn't happen until AFTER the Hottie comes home (unless I have some important meeting or have a reason to get dressed up).  On that happy note- when is the last time you actually put make up on just for your husband?  Not for a meeting or for company who is coming, but just for him.  I know some of you may be just fine "au natural" but I want you to think back to when you first started dating your husband.

I can remember it like it was yesterday (and it has been ten years).  For our first alone time together (that was not officially a date, but really was a date) I spent well over two hours primping and getting ready to try to impress this man... The Hottie.  I changed my outfit close to 35 times and fixed and re-fixed my hair.  I applied make up, then changed my eye color, then lip color until everything was absolutely perfect.  Even still I was convinced it wasn't quite good enough.  And the man?  He only needed to shower and throw on some clothes (approximately 15 minutes from start to finish) and he was ready.

So when he arrived at my door and I got that grin- you know the one- I knew those 2+ hours were worth it.  And from that moment until we married, I never went to see him without complete make up, a shower, and beautiful hair.  I wanted him to want me- in every way.  I wanted him to be attracted to me and to think I was beautiful because I'd certainly never felt that way before.

But after we married and I'd gained 732641209384 pounds from having children, I got so busy with the kids and housework and diapers and more diapers and... just life.  And suddenly I'd found myself in frump girl mode.  I know you've been there, girl- most of us have at some point.  A friend who recently had a baby described it as losing your identity in your children.  Suddenly you're no longer just Christi... you are someone's mom, taxi, nurse, teacher, maid, chef, etc...  easy to see how you could get lost in that place.  But that doesn't mean you should stay there.

When I went back to work at Chevron after having Jacob (before Shepherd), I'd spend a fair amount of time getting cleaned up and primping.  I wasn't trying to impress anyone, but at work, I got to just be "Christi" again- not mom, or wife, or anything else- just Christi.  And I noticed him "noticing me" more... and I liked it. And then I had Shepherd... and I was lost again.  And the Hottie has been coming home to frump girl every since.

Thankfully I am blessed with the sort of man who won't go looking elsewhere.  Not sure how I got so blessed, but he is a rare gem, indeed.  So should I let that keep me from making an effort?  Should I just continue to let myself go until I'm completely undesirable?  No.  Because then I'm merely the woman he HAS to be with, not the one he WANTS to be with.   And while I'm thinking about it- what kind of message am I sending if I only make an effort when I have a meeting or go to church?  Am I showing him he is valued?  Not so much.

Something attracted him to me.   In the same way I have chosen to be his playmate and appealed to that side of him, I am also choosing in 2012 to put Frump Girl away... for good.  I showered this morning and will fix my hair and apply make up at some point BEFORE he comes home from work. I'll pick up the clutter and throw on something that shows off a little bit of my style- rather than my jammies from the past three days and no bra.  I want him to WANT to come home to me- not to be afraid of what he will see when he walks through the door (seriously...  me + no make up and no shower = SCARY).

I want him to feel excited and to know I'm making this effort for him.  I want him to feel loved and, knowing that it really does require extra effort on my part to accomplish when he's not home, appreciate that today was a day I took a bath.

So here's a challenge to my lady friends- take a bath.  Try to put on a little make up- not like smokey prom eyes or anything... just cover up the sun damage, add some mascara and lip gloss, and remind him of your youthful appeal.  And for the love of Pete, brush your hair (and your teeth- nobody wants to smell that)!  So, you're a size 19349425 and you don't feel sexy.  So what?  I read somewhere that sexy is an attitude.  Work that attitude, girlfriend and remind him why he snatched you up in the first place.  Give him a reason to want to come home a little earlier next time, and remember this- the most important thing you can put on is a smile.  People who smile are 1,000 times more beautiful than people who don't.  So you've gained a few pounds this holiday season... just smile.  Trust me- he won't be looking at your tummy.  ;)

Workin' it...

The Real Life Mom

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part II- BIG GIRL PANTIES

Okay, so we're on to desperate housewives, part II.  ;)  My advice for the day?  Stop taking things so seriously.  That's right, I said it.  Put on your big girl panties and make a choice to let some of those things go. Or, as they say, don't sweat the small stuff- and it's all small stuff.

Truly, I can say I agree with this.  Today The Hottie accidentally knocked over the tackle box I keep my jewelry organized in... and sent half of my earrings and two of my favorite bracelets down the drain.  Here I had two options- 1- make him feel really bad and never see my jewelry again or 2- grab the big girl panties and laugh it off- let him off the hook so he can let himself off the hook- and never see my jewelry again.

I chose the latter of the two and it paid off big time.  He was already feeling awful and was trying to find ways to retrieve said jewelry when I walked in to the bathroom.  I knew he was mad at himself and in that moment I felt only compassion for this poor (adorable) soul.  I mean, after all- the jewelry can all be replaced, but that moment- I'll never get that back.

So I walked into the bathroom and just giggled.  Not what he expected- not even close (I think I even surprised myself a little here).  The old me would have overreacted and made him feel horrible for losing my $5 earrings (have I mentioned how cheap I am?)  But today I laughed... and then we laughed as he tried (unsuccessfully) to retrieve my jewelry.  And then something clicked inside of me and I realized it is possible to change- even in the seemingly small things.  In this instance, I chose not to take it seriously and because of it, we had a wonderful evening.  In the past, there would have been a lot of yelling and shaming, whining and nagging...  aren't you glad I bought those panties?

Now if only I could find that gift card to Sam Moon...

Big girl panties, my friends...  invest in a pair- they pay off better than Victoria's Secret.  ;)  Just sayin'.

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Happy New Year

So I didn't post anything about the new year.  Surprised?  I thought I'd write out some resolutions or make some really thought-provoking statements, but I came up dry.  I wrote some ideas of things I'd like to conquer in 2012 and some personal changes I'd like to make, but nothing truly blog-worthy.  I had not one ounce of wit, humor, or wisdom to share.  And then I went to church yesterday morning...  

I'd have to say yesterday was one of those days where the aroma of my heart going into service was more of a wretched stench and when I left, not a trace of what was, was left.  The message was given by a member of our staff, not our typical pastor.  None-the-less, it was filled with the beauty of truth and scripture that I'd imagine every person in that place needed to hear.  When they post the link on our church website, I'll share it here.  Until then, let me just say dear friend, I'm empowered and inspired!

Can't wait to share more! And for the record, I'm not on anti-depressants (anymore).  Just liked the picture.

happy New year!

No Longer I- truly,

The Real Life Mom

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part I

No, I'm not THAT kind of housewife...  definitely not desperate (even though I've been dangerously close to desperation in the past).  But I do have a few secrets of my own to share.  These are things I've learned in my nearly ten years of marriage.  Yes, I know that some of you seasoned housewives may laugh at my mere ten years, but I should remind you- at least five of those years were Hell on Earth- God had to break me, change me, and mold me (and is still continuing to do so).

THROWING STONES and JUST LAUGH- two posts from the past year about lessons God revealed to me.  And now, secrets of a housewife- part I

Last night The Hottie and I were trying to entertain ourselves while waiting for company to arrive.  We've been so exhausted as of late that we typically sit down at the computer or pull out our phones to let the internet take us away to facebook or Pinterest.  But something got into us last night and we wound up reenacting a scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Brangelina's assassins movie).  No, this was not on purpose, and no- it was not a dirty scene... (I'm not ready to be THAT open with you all, just yet).  It was the scene where they realize they are both professional assassins and they completely destroy this amazing house trying to kill one another.  (I know, I know- the resemblance is astounding... I get that a lot).

But no, in case you were confused, that's not us and no, we weren't trying to kill one another, (nor did we destroy the house).  I saw he and Shepherd playing with a Nerf gun and something in me realized he needed a playmate... and maybe I did, too.  The big kids were asleep, so I loaded up a nearby Nerf gun, (with additional ammo in the pocket, which is essential) and we chased each other around the house shooting and reloading as quickly as we could.

As we played, I watched him go from completely exhausted to completely exuberant in no time at all.  He became excited and joyful- with a childlike glow in his gaze.  I gave him the gift of allowing him to just be himself in that moment and not trying to mold him into someone he is not.  And when all was said and done (and he'd completely killed me with Nerf bullets, or darts, or whatever you call them)  my man was satisfied and no matter what happened  the rest of that evening, he felt loved.

So what I would say I've learned through this is that when it's time to play 1- make sure you have plenty of ammo, of course, and 2- play- all out.  He needs to feel free to be a man- sometimes a young, playful man- and he needs you not just to understand that, but to enjoy that side of him as well.  I've spent far too much time shaming him for pieces of his personality that I didn't like or that I felt he needed to grow out of and God showed me that just as God loves me for who and where I am right now (flaws and all), The Hottie needs to be loved (and enjoyed) completely for who he is- right now, and not who he may one day become.  So, friend, if that love looks like a game of Mr. & Mrs. Smith- I say bring it.  It's definitely okay (and even likely a  good idea) on occasion- to let him win. But don't get crazy, I said on occasion.  ;)  

Happy New Year!

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

I am NOT a tree.

I'm one of those people who are easily motivated. Not. Kidding. When I was younger, I'd watch a cereal commercial and suddenly be convinced that I NEEDED to go make myself a bowl of cereal... the chocolate kind... or Lucky Charms... or...  I better stop before I decide I need some of that sugary goodness.  Is it sad that I just drooled a little? (ADD...)

Anyway,  I'm not typically a hard sell. I can see an image like this one and think to myself-  "Yep! I'm getting back in the habit now! I AM going to work out and I AM going to follow through with this! THIS TIME I WILL NOT FAIL."  It really doesn't take much- it never has.

Getting motivated has never been my issue (seriously- just typing this while that image is sitting there is making me want to hit the treadmill)- it's the follow through that has really been my downfall. But I saw this quote today, "If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree." ~Jim Rohn. 

 It sounds so simple- silly, even. It's almost too simple, right? Not really... I mean, the last time I checked, I wasn't a tree, so I CAN change, right?  My roots aren't forcing me to stay who I have always been.  There is, in fact, NOTHING holding me here- except me. So why don't I change? I'm filled with every good intention of changing. In fact, good intentions pretty much define me on any given day.  

I have good intentions of following through with that next diet and losing all of my weight. I have good intentions of getting my house cleaned and paying each of my bills or loans on time, every time.  I tell myself every day that I will go to bed early so I can wake up early, spend some really, truly, quiet, alone time with God and then shower, put on some make up so I don't scare the natives, and make a hot breakfast and lunches- All BEFORE the Hottie and kids even start to think about waking up.  (Yes, I am aware these expectations are a little unrealistic.)  And then each day, I have some thing that keeps me up until way too late and the Hottie and kids usually beat me out of bed, helping themselves to whatever cereal or cold breakfast choices can be found in the pantry. Then I am discouraged first thing in the morning and I think to myself "Fail. I guess I'll try again tomorrow."  

And the cycle continues. (Maybe I need therapy?)   :)

Anyway, I have the best intentions of making these amazing new year's resolutions and following through with them- each of them... and I never do (who does?)  I have these amazing intentions that I tell people about- like writing this book and starting this ministry, training to run a half marathon a few years back, becoming a speaker... all of these great dreams and intentions. And yet, here we are at the end of another year and I'm somehow disappointed in myself... again.

And for the record, I must say I sincerely DISLIKE New Year's resolutions. I love the idea of having a clean slate and starting over from scratch. (Don't we all?)  I like the idea of starting new- as if just because I was a screw up the year before, this year will somehow be different.  But why should 2012 be any different than 2011 or 2010 or the 30 years before that?  (Yes, math whiz, I'm 32.)  

I read this earlier today- "Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow."  ~Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros  Huh.  She (I think this is a she) has a point.  What I am now is not all bad.  I'm not good at follow through, but I'm gifted in several areas, I'm passionate, and I'm occasionally funny.  I'm good at teaching, good at loving on people, and organized (in my mind, folks... not in my house).  For those parts of me, I am thankful.  I guess I will just keep fighting to become this person that I want so badly to be.  Not that my expectations are completely realistic (another growth area for me) but I know who I want to be and right now, I'd say I have quite a road to travel.  But I'll keep fighting.  I know I can't do it all on my own or in my own strength, but I know I am responsible for making the choice to change and taking the necessary steps to get there.

Within each of us is the capability to become the person God created us to be. He knew we'd all face struggles and He gave us the tools we'd need to overcome those struggles.  Time to tap into those tools and "man up" as the Hottie says.  Time to recognize I am NOT a tree, so I can change it... and I WILL.  I recognize that I'm feeling dangerously inspired at the moment, so I won't write out a long list of resolutions (yet).  Instead, I think I'll go have some cereal while I wrap myself in my new Snuggie and contemplate the new me I'd like to try to become in 2012.  

Still growing...  still learning to let go.  

NO LONGER I (right?),

The Real Life Mom.

YOU ARE GOOD

THIS is exactly what I needed to help me refocus 3 days before Christmas.