Monday, April 11, 2011


So you know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words?  Well, we had our family photos done yesterday and let me start off by saying 99.9% of them are insane. awesome. phenomenal.  Then there are the pictures of me.  Yes, as a matter of fact I AM having one of those days.  It's one of those days where I feel big and fat and ugly.  It's one of those days where I yelled at my kids, was super impatient.  I even had a few moments where I thought to myself, "Really, God?!?? Why did you give me children???  I don't deserve them and they don't deserve me!  They deserve better!"  Then I looked at these pictures of my beautiful children and my heart melted into a thousand pieces.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE these children- all 1,372,287 of them.  Please see evidence of said beautiful children below:


But as I was looking at the family photos, I felt almost out of place.  If each picture is worth 1,000 words, then I must have thought a million this afternoon.  A lot of them sounded like this: "You are a troll.  You are ugly. You are so fat.  Seriously?!?!?  Why would HE ever like YOU, let alone love YOU? Your family is so photogenic... so why aren't you?  Your kids are so beautiful- they must have gotten that from their dad.  Your eyes are so ugly.  You are never going to conquer this weight issue...  just stop trying."  And the train of thought didn't stop there, but thankfully a friend called and caught me in the middle of it, causing me to stop and think rationally.

Here's the thing- I don't like being in front of the camera.  I much prefer being the "taker" of all of our family photos for this reason- seeing those photos was a huge reality check in so many ways.  Once I got over the initial shock of the photos, I processed the words that I had been saying to myself and I realized a few things:

1- I can be pretty immature sometimes... and incredibly selfish.
2- Lies, lies, lies- they were all lies!
3- I don't always have an answer for everything- I may know the truths, but knowing them and walking in them or applying them are two completely different mentalities.
4- I need to get out of my head so the Holy Spirit can have some room to work.  :)

All of that to say, it was both a good day (because I got to see some amazing photos of my family) and a horrible day (because I gave the enemy a foothold into my mind and sent me on a downward spiral).  So, I know sometimes I can come off as a know-it-all, but I'm human and I struggle just like the rest of you.  So for now... I may not have all of the answers, but I'm working on it.  :)  NO LONGER I.

All photos property of Chip Gillespie:


Landis Crew said...

Christi...I sure do love you and your candidness! It breaks my heart that the devil fed you such lies today! You are beautiful and not just on the inside, but on the outside (whether you chose to believe that right now or not). Those beautiful and photogenic children you made reference to are a definitive reflection of your beauty and your love! We all have insecurities, just remember, I'll see you in the morning?? Me, you and the machine aka Satan! LOL! Love you Girl!

Julie said...

sweetie, i know just how you feel. even after the losing the weight i have, i still look in thge mirror and gag :) BUT i want the kids to have pics of us together, so every now and then i suck it up for them. you are beautiful inside and out and i am so glad to know you! thanks for reminding me that the devil uses our insecurities against us!