Anyway, I forget exactly when I discovered the nuisance under my arm pit. I do remember it was only this past week so I didn't think it was anything of concern. But then I realized what you can see is somewhat like an iceberg. Surface level, there is an infection- this much I can see. But I think this infection might be there to signal us to what is really going on. There's a Cadbury Egg shaped (and sized) lymph node under this little cyst-type thing on my arm. So when I say it's like an iceberg, I mean that what's actually there is so much larger than what is on the surface. It's a little intimidating- especially at night when the house is quiet and I have nothing to do but sit and let my mind wander.
The cyst-like thing on the top is tender, but the lymph node is large, very hard, and not tender. All of this combined with a few other symptoms makes one a little more on edge than normal. I'm not sleeping, definitely not resting, and just... disturbed. This week seems to be going by in slow motion.
Monday at 1:00 is the ultrasound. That's 48 hours away. 48 hours to sit and think... and wait. They said I should know a little more after that and hopefully the blood work will return by then as well.
In the mean time, I'm going CRAZY! I do not like the feeling of not being in control. Have I ever mentioned to you that I don't drink? Well, I do on occasion- when we're celebrating or enjoying the company of our friends, but I discovered at an early age (I think I was 17... and I don't think I ever told my parents until right now) that I didn't like the way being drunk made me feel, so I resolved that if I chose to drink, it would only be one or two drinks at the most. I. like. control... or at least I think I do.
I don't like the unknown is probably a better way to put it. In reality, none of us is actually in control (and so thankful we are not). Control is an illusion that I like to play into when I let my mind wander. I like to imagine I've got it all "under control" when really our world can be spinning out of control at excessive speeds.
Thankfully, though- I can remember this. The maker of the Heavens and the Earth- HE is the one in control and HE knows what I will find out this next week. HE knows if there is something legit going on with me or if I'm just over-reacting. HE knows what will happen today and tomorrow and everyday until the end of time. So please tell me- why am I worried again? He's got the whole world in His hands, right? And I'm still in that world... so...
So no more worrying. NO more freaking out. I mean, I'm human, so the thoughts will come. I know worry will come, but I'll choose to take back these thoughts and process them in a healthy manner- by surrendering them and combating them with scripture and with truth. Yes, some ideas of what could really be going on are scary, but even if something real is brewing in there... He's got this. HE'S. GOT. THIS. And even if I'll look like a fool in a few days for being so paranoid about it, HE'S. STILL. GOT. THIS.
Here are some scriptures I found while trying to approach this from a healthier mind set. I was in the process of trying to surrender some of my thoughts and I stumbled on this.
And now I bet that song is stuck in your head, too... He's got the whole world in His hands...
Trying to surrender- fears, thoughts, control... and trying to get that song out of my head. :)
No longer I,
The VERY REAL LIFE mom.