Sunday, July 27, 2008


Today I write from a place of frustration. For those of you who don't know, we have a son who is four years old who has never been diagnosed, but is autistic. I love my son, my Timothy. Please do not mistake that but I am exhausted. I am so tired. Tired of fighting with my son to stay on his super strict diet (that lately doesn't seem to be affecting him at all). I am tired of the looks we get while we are out in public with him. Looks from people who just don't get it. I am tired of feeling like he's a bad kid when he is supremely precious- not bad at all. He just can't control himself. I am tired of not being invited to friends' homes because Timothy is out of control. I am tired of feeling like we can't go out in public. I am tired of people telling me I should do this or do that to try to discipline him when reality is- nothing works. So what happens? What do we do? The answer? I honestly don't know. Things have gotten so stressful that the relationship between my husband and my self has been affected. We both lose our patience with him and after a long day of fighting a losing battle I am just "done" most days.

My head gives me all of the scripture I need. My head tells me I should do this and that and give it to God. But for some reason I feel like I can't. I have been praying for him for a while and our prayers have thus far gone unanswered. So where is God in all of this? I know He is here. My head and my heart both confirm that. But why is Timothy having to deal with this? Will he struggle the rest of his life? Will we ever be able to go out in public and enjoy time spent with him? Will he ever be able to live the life he was creatd to live? Why did this happen to him? Was there something I could have/ should have done differently?

My head tells me Satan is playing mind games with me and I need to fight it by praying and praying some more. I think I just reached the point where I wonder when God is going to answer this prayer and completely restore my son. And another question: why do I just assume God is going to do that? I think I feel like I have to or I will lose hope. I have to hold out hope that God is a God who heals and who hears my prayers. I know I will go to bed now and hopefully wake up with a heart refreshed and have wisdom on this situation. I just needed to vent. To be real.

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