Wednesday, June 8, 2011
First trimester. Four years ago. I was pregnant with Jacob and although he was my third child, I had never experienced sickness before so I was unprepared for this. Within the first few weeks I got sick... like really sick. Like more sick than I had ever been in my life. I was married to my bathroom but still had two toddlers (one with special needs) to take care of. The sickness lasted for about 16 weeks, during which I was teaching Trinity how to pray. I can remember about week ten she came into the bathroom one day while I was sick and asked if she could pray for me. I thought surely it wouldn't make a difference, but, clearly I was wrong. You see, Trinity honestly thought that if she asked God for something He would make it happen. She believed. She prayed with childlike faith and as soon as she stopped praying and removed her hands from my tummy, I felt better. I was amazed. She did this every day until the sickness was completely gone and each time I would feel better right away.
That entire pregnancy was a lesson in prayer and faith for me. I had prayed for things in the past and felt like God hadn't come through for me, so I had little to no faith in His abilities. I had put Him inside of a box. But Trinity still believed. She knew without a doubt that God would heal me... and He did (each time increasing both her faith and mine). I don't know how God works or why He chooses to answer some prayers and not others. I don't know why He chooses to heal some and not others. I do know that He has a plan and that His ways, although mysterious are ultimately the best ways... but even still- trusting when you feel like you've been let down or ignored can be difficult.
I remember when my parents separated 15 years ago. I prayed for FOREVER for them to reconcile. I honestly believed God would bring them back together but that didn't happen. They divorced and each went on to live separate lives. I've prayed for freedom from certain struggles for most of my life and still... they remain. Since we've been married we've had financial struggles. In the beginning we were just poor stewards of our income. Then we took steps to become better stewards of what God had given us but still... we struggled (and continue to struggle). I have prayed and prayed- I have prayed- face down on the floor, bawling my eyes out. I have begged and pleaded. I have wrestled with God on this for our entire nine year marriage... and still, things are tight. In fact, they are beyond tight. This past week I wrote checks for a few bills. I thought we'd have the money. I was sure it would be there. I prayed and trusted God and I just knew without a shadow of a doubt that the money would be there... but it wasn't.
Kyle barely works right now because he's in school and I don't have an income producing job outside of the home. In the past, God has provided in some amazing ways. In fact, if I told you some of the really cool ways he has worked, you would be astounded (and it would take FOR.EV.ER) because He is that awesome and His timing has always been perfect. So then, why didn't He show up this time? Why didn't Kyle get more work the past week or two? Why didn't I find a job? I'm not sure.
But I know God has a plan- His plan for our good and for His glory. It's hard to trust when you feel like you've been let down, but I'm choosing to press on. I am praying big prayers, for more than just finances. I am praying for a long list of things right now but as a friend told me yesterday on Facebook: I'm praying big, praying bold, and praying often. I am claiming victory over these circumstances that have bound us and I am going to keep petitioning God until something happens! Don't they call that P.U.S.H. praying? (Pray Until Something Happens). I am trying to rediscover the faith that my kids have. I am going to let go of my doubt and my fear (tools of the enemy, used to whittle away faith) and I am going to trust that my God can move these mountains.
What did I say a few posts back? Rather than pressing into the mountain, I should press into the one who can move the mountain! So no more manipulating finances each week to just get by. I am trusting God for something so much bigger than just getting by. I am trusting him to COMPLETELY and TOTALLY provide for each and every one of our needs. Where the government may have decided we didn't need financial aid, My God, who is so much bigger than our government, WILL PROVIDE. Join me in praying and believing.
And if you have a request, please add a comment below or send me a private message. I'm on a roll here and I'd love to include your requests in my prayer time. I look at each of these requests as a opportunity to spend at my savior's feet, so please don't hesitate! I look forward to seeing God work in each of these requests and in each of our lives! Walk with me. Pray with me. Believe with me! No longer with the faith of a doubting adult, but with the faith of a trusting child...
No longer I,
The Real Life Mom