Monday, June 20, 2011

Better Than A Hallelujah

So I know sometimes I'm like "Sally Christian", meaning that I think I have the right answers, or at least Hallmark's answers from their "Jesus" collection- you know, things like "God never gives us more than we can handle" or "Everything happens for a reason"... blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes I get tired of the sound of my voice- or the words I've written. And then sometimes I read the things I write and I think to myself- huh...  good thoughts.  Maybe I  should try applying them.  But today?  Today I don't have any answers.  I don't have any advice or great thoughts to share.  Today I just want to curl up in a bawl and cry.

It's been one of those weeks...  actually, it's been a season of tough weeks, off and on.  Kyle and I are doing well, but the hand we've been dealt is a tough one to play.  Most of the time I choose to have a better attitude, but this week I feel like life's really been piling it on and so right now all I want to do is cry... but I'm literally too numb to even do that.

You see, I prayed for some really big things.  I asked God to intervene on so many levels in so many different areas of my life... and He didn't.  With all of my heart, I believed He would show up and rescue us, but it didn't happen the way I thought it would.  I felt like He'd let us down.  I felt like He had turned His back on us.  I asked Him what I had done wrong or why I was being punished.    And there was no answer.  I screamed.  I shouted at Him.  I cried to Him.  All I wanted was an answer, but as of yet.... nothing.  I was actually mad at God.  Isn't that funny?  Mad.  At God.  Huh.

Sometimes writing is therapeutic for me.  I analyze life as I write it out and sometimes I come up with a solution either through prayer or scripture but this time I'm dry.  I have no answers.  I just know that there is a song I hear often on the radio by Amy Grant.  I think it's called Better Than a Hallelujah.  One of the lines "We pour out our misery, but God just hears a melody.  Beautiful, the mess we are!  Honest cries of breaking hearts... better than a hallelujah sometimes."  Yeah... not feeling so beautiful right now- actually feeling more mess than beautiful.

None-the-less, I'll keep crying out to Him.  Even though I don't feel Him here.  Even though I'm in a desert time.  I tried to worship in church yesterday but it felt so forced and all I wanted to do was scream "SERIOUSLY??!?!?"  I guess I just feel like He would rather me be honest with Him than sing meaningless words from an empty place.  Even so, something within me fought against these emotions in church.  I fought to try to connect with Him in worship, but I was still numb.

Anyway, I know I'm long winded.  I guess all of these words today could be summed up by saying this- please pray for me.  More than anything right now, I don't need words.  I don't need to be encouraged or to hear anything more from Hallmark.  I just need HIM.  Thanks for listening and thanks for praying.  Deep down, I know He is listening and I know He is there, so please just don't stop praying.  He will come through and He will turn my mourning in to dancing... eventually.  In the mean time, this is me- about as real as it gets, signing off.

Still working on becoming... NO LONGER I.

The Real Life Mom.

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