Monday, June 23, 2008

Acknowledge Him...

"In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path". It's simple, right? Yes, I guess in theory it is simple, but living it out is not so simple. There are times when I feel like Paul when he said something to the effect of "Why do I do the things I don't want to do? And the things I want to do, i cannot seem to do?" (I am no scholar so I don't always quote things accurately but you get the point). Anyway, I was super sick and feeling really selfish because even though i was sick I could not take care of my self. I had two other sick children in the house with me that I was responsible for. So even though I was sick I could not take the day off and just rest- then I let it get to me. I was horribly mean to my husband and my children. I felt aweful physically and instead of praying for relief or trusting God for strength to make it through each day, I chose to live each day in my own strength (or lack thereof). Instead of surrenduring, I selfishly trudged on each day as if I were some sort of martyr. Gag. In hindsight, it seems so simple. I should have spent more time praying for healing, praying for my children, praying over my heart- instead, I chose to use that time to whine about how horrible we all felt and it's almost as if those very words were like fertilizer for our ailements. The more I complained, the more sick we all seemed to become- especially me. So then I felt justified in my angry emotions and I allowed Satan to control my actions. Because I chose not to pray and ask God for the strength to get through each day, there seemed to be at least 40 hours in each day and they all seemed to be filled with bile and sickness. I could not escape it.

Not that we wouldn't have been sick if I would have prayed, but my heart would have been in the right place and I would have acknowledged God in the situation rather than acknowledging my own grief. I love that verse "In all your ways acnowledge Him and He will direct your path." What I took from that in this particular situation was that I was acknowledging me and my wants and my needs and trying to do it all on my own and God was there, ready to step in and relieve my angry heart if all I would have done was acknowledge Him. You know "Hey God- I need you. I can not do this on my own." Doesn't that seem so simple? And yet in my stubbornness and desire to control everything I refused to surrender. The sickness lasted just about two weeks and then it was like a lightbulb hit my head and I recognized I needed God. He was the only one who could heal me physically and emotionally. I was so angry about not being able to rest, I started to feel anger towards my children (as if it were actually their fault), and anger towards my husband (you know, because he was actually working to make a living for us). ha! So once it hit me, I prayed, "Lord, please help me! I surrender this to you. I can not do this on my own. Please help me to change my heart and make things right with my family." It was simple- not a very elegant prayer- what can I say? At the end of this two weeks I was completely empty- physically and emotionally. I was just done. So God sent some help. He heard my cries and answered my prayers. He gave me the energy I needed to move on, clean up, and make things right with my family... He directed my path, opening up doors and giving me opportunities to mend the relationships that needed to be mended and to allow Him to heal the hurt that had been caused by my selfishness.

So ya, it really does sound easy- now I just need to work on making it a natural next step for me. :)

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