NO LONGER I

So I was thinking today- really thinking about a lot of things. Today my thoughts included (but were not limited to): who my real friends are, how am I living (or not living) a life that glorifies God, what am I doing to be a better mom, a better wife, why do women have babies in groups (I have 7 pregnant friends right now- all due around the same time), why am I so motivated in my head but cannot seem to transfer the motivation to my heart to get up and get back out there after being ill? So as I am sitting there mulling these (and many, many other) thoughts over in my head, one imparticular sticks out to me- the one that begs the question "How am I living (or not living) a life that glorifies God? It keeps playing over and over in my head like a CD that is scratched and wont stop repeating itself. So I wonder- what AM I doing to live a life that glorifies God?

Then I broke it down. In each individual area, how am I working towards living a life that completely honors God- in every area? The answer: I am not. I want to but I have not been. I am like Paul- the very thing I want to do, I cannot seem to do. Why? The next answer: because I am trying to do it in my own strength. The book I am writing is called: NO LONGER I. I am writing this book to encourage others to live in the power of Christ's strength but I, my self, have been struggling to do it all in my own strength. It's kind of odd how I turned in to a hypocrite, but it's also really cool how God took my thought process there today so that I could understand this. The book is being written out of the heart of a changed woman. I believe the verse reads: "For I have been crucified with Christ and it's NO LONGER I that lives, but Christ who lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the son of God who loves me and gave himself for me." WOW!!! What a refreshing thought. I have been crucified with Christ and I NO LONGER LIVE! I love it. It's a promise. A hope. I am not bound to my old ways. I have been saved my grace and been set free to live "by faith in the son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me." Seriously? Seriously. So what am I doing to live a life that honors God? I am dying to my self daily. I am making a commitment to do this- to die to my self and to allow Christ complete freedom to live (and love) through me. Beautiful.

A Simple Request

So I have this whole huge list of things I have been learning and wanting to share in this blog but I have such a lack of time right now. I wanted to blog today to ask for prayers. While I was sick, I pretty much laid in bed the whole time and because of it, I feel as if I have completely undone any training I had started before getting sick- which means any running I was able to do, I now feel completely unable to do. It feels like I am starting over from the beginning and it's discouraging and frustrating.

Please pray for motivation, a right heart and attitude. Pray for rest, for good, hard workouts, and for time for me- time to write, time to study and time to work out the way I need to be working out. Also alone time- without kids, without anyone would be nice, but that never seems to happen. Timothy can't nap or he stays up all night, so I am pretty much mom around the clock- without a true break. Anyway, I just feel like I need more time and more rest. I appreciate your prayers. I haven't felt this frustrated in a while and I am usually the one offering encouragement- this time I am the one in need. So thank you. I appreciate it.

Afterthoughts

(The following was taken from an e-mail I sent our community group. Aron and Julie are our leaders- forgive my ignorance with regards to the dead sea scrolls...) :)

"So a couple of weeks ago Aron and Julie returned from their amazing trip to Israel and among the stories Aron shared with us, was the story of how the dead sea scrolls were discovered. I will recap for those of you who were not there and have not yet heard this story- as it will greatly pertain to the rest of this e-mail. From what I can remember, there was a shepherd, out doing his job when one of his sheep got lost. He went looking for his lost sheep and walked by this small cave. He threw a rock in to the cave to see if the sheep was in there (just doing his job) and hears something shatter. So he goes in to the cave to discover the dead sea scrolls- one of the most prominent discoveries of our time- definitely the most liberating for Christians as I think Aron said it confirmed the legitimacy of the Bible... (I think that's right) So anyway, during class a couple of weeks ago, Aron was sharing how this had impacted him and encouraged him to keep on doing what he is doing in his job and how God could use someone who is just doing their job to do something amazing- he eluded to the fact that you don't have to be some big preacher or be a missionary or in ministry as your job in order for God to use you- He can and will use you where you are right now- which brings me to the point of this e-mail. I wanted to expound on these thoughts and share some additional thoughts I had after this class and how I felt it might apply to some of you. I hope this blesses or encourages you. :)

Here are a few verses about working that came to mind as I was preparing this. Romans 12:11-12 Do not be lazy but work hard, serving the Lord with all your heart.12 Be joyful because you have hope. Be patient when trouble comes, and pray at all times Colossians 3:22-24 22 Slaves, obey your masters in all things. Do not obey just when they are watching you, to gain their favor, but serve them honestly, because you respect the Lord.23 In all the work you are doing, work the best you can. Work as if you were doing it for the Lord, not for people.24 Remember that you will receive your reward from the Lord, which he promised to his people. You are serving the Lord Christ. I love the part of the verse in Colossians- "work as if you were doing it for The Lord, not for people." So I started thinking- wow. In Deuteronomy 6:5, we are commanded to "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." If we are truly loving God with all of our hearts, soul, mind, and STRENGTH (as we discussed this past Sunday), that would overflow in to our work and our work would be done as though we were doing it for The Lord because we would be doing it out of a heart of love- then what would happen? What would the long term affects be? Well to the stay at home moms- if we are working as though we are working for The Lord and doing it out of a heart of love for God, I would imagine we'd be (I'd be) much more excited about waking up each day and raising the next generation of God-fearing leaders. I would imagine our children would see God's heart and we (I) would have so many less regrets and owe so many less apologies to my children. I imagine if I worked as though I was working for the Lord and out of a heart of love for God, my children would grow up feeling completely secure, truly loved, and confident in their identity in Christ and I would feel completely accomplished even if I never did another thing outside of raising my children. I would find my success, my reward in having raised 4 amazing children by God's strength and with His love and power in everything I did.

So here is my encouragement for you today- to the business man who is stuck in a suit and tie and feels like he isn't accomplishing anything but bringing home the bacon- know this: God IS using you right where you are and your probably don't even know it. If you are working as though you are working for Him and doing it out of a heart of love, He is using you in ways you haven't even begun to imagine yet- so be encouraged and keep at it. Don't forget verse 24 Remember that you will receive your reward from the Lord, which he promised to his people. You are serving the Lord Christ. To the business woman who wants to stay home because that's what everyone else in The Woodlands does- trust me- if you are working as though you are working for Him, He is using you right where you are. So you don't stay at home, so what? Be excited about the fact that God is using you right where you are to accomplish amazing things- things you might never even know about until you get to Heaven. Just keep working as though you are working for Him and trust that He can, will, and probably is doing amazing things through you right where you are. To the at home wife, don't just be content with where you are, get excited about it- your role right now is to prepare your home and your life to inspire and encourage that amazing man that God is also using. So if you don't feel like God is using you at all- look at who you are working for and think again. Your job is so very important and even in doing the laundry, God is using you. Again I emphasize: Remember that you will receive your reward from the Lord, which he promised to his people. You are serving the Lord Christ. As Aron said- just keep throwing rocks in caves... (ie.- keep doing your job). You may not know how or why or where or when God will use the work you are doing/ have done to completely bless and change someone's life, but know that God will bless you and the work you have done- He wants to use you. He wants to bless you and those around you. Keep throwing rocks."

Acknowledge Him...

"In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path". It's simple, right? Yes, I guess in theory it is simple, but living it out is not so simple. There are times when I feel like Paul when he said something to the effect of "Why do I do the things I don't want to do? And the things I want to do, i cannot seem to do?" (I am no scholar so I don't always quote things accurately but you get the point). Anyway, I was super sick and feeling really selfish because even though i was sick I could not take care of my self. I had two other sick children in the house with me that I was responsible for. So even though I was sick I could not take the day off and just rest- then I let it get to me. I was horribly mean to my husband and my children. I felt aweful physically and instead of praying for relief or trusting God for strength to make it through each day, I chose to live each day in my own strength (or lack thereof). Instead of surrenduring, I selfishly trudged on each day as if I were some sort of martyr. Gag. In hindsight, it seems so simple. I should have spent more time praying for healing, praying for my children, praying over my heart- instead, I chose to use that time to whine about how horrible we all felt and it's almost as if those very words were like fertilizer for our ailements. The more I complained, the more sick we all seemed to become- especially me. So then I felt justified in my angry emotions and I allowed Satan to control my actions. Because I chose not to pray and ask God for the strength to get through each day, there seemed to be at least 40 hours in each day and they all seemed to be filled with bile and sickness. I could not escape it.

Not that we wouldn't have been sick if I would have prayed, but my heart would have been in the right place and I would have acknowledged God in the situation rather than acknowledging my own grief. I love that verse "In all your ways acnowledge Him and He will direct your path." What I took from that in this particular situation was that I was acknowledging me and my wants and my needs and trying to do it all on my own and God was there, ready to step in and relieve my angry heart if all I would have done was acknowledge Him. You know "Hey God- I need you. I can not do this on my own." Doesn't that seem so simple? And yet in my stubbornness and desire to control everything I refused to surrender. The sickness lasted just about two weeks and then it was like a lightbulb hit my head and I recognized I needed God. He was the only one who could heal me physically and emotionally. I was so angry about not being able to rest, I started to feel anger towards my children (as if it were actually their fault), and anger towards my husband (you know, because he was actually working to make a living for us). ha! So once it hit me, I prayed, "Lord, please help me! I surrender this to you. I can not do this on my own. Please help me to change my heart and make things right with my family." It was simple- not a very elegant prayer- what can I say? At the end of this two weeks I was completely empty- physically and emotionally. I was just done. So God sent some help. He heard my cries and answered my prayers. He gave me the energy I needed to move on, clean up, and make things right with my family... He directed my path, opening up doors and giving me opportunities to mend the relationships that needed to be mended and to allow Him to heal the hurt that had been caused by my selfishness.

So ya, it really does sound easy- now I just need to work on making it a natural next step for me. :)

I have like a billion thoughts racing through my mind right now- what an insightful past few weeks this has been. God gave me time to reflect and to just "be" with Him while I was sick and I have gained so much during this precious time! What a blessing! I'd like to share everything I have been learning but that's why I am writing the book. :) I am very pleased to announce that I have made excellent progress on the book- not that I am even close to half way finished but I needed to purge a lot of things out of my mind and my heart before God could really work in me, so over the course of the past few months that has been happening and I have been recording it. It's so awesome to look back and see where I was even a year ago and where I have come. I love that a year ago I was depressed and sometimes saw no way out and it was all about me. Now I see God working and growing me in beautiful ways and it's no longer about me or what I thought I wanted for my life. It's become about Him- about loving Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I am excited to grow, to learn, and to become this woman- the woman He designed me to be. So keep reading over the next few days. I am going to reveal some of the wisdom I have gained and how it's changing me.

Stay At Home Mom

I think there is a common misconception, especially in the area I live in, that being a stay at home mom means not only do you not have an outside job, but your main goal is to become more social. For instance- play groups. Although an ingenius idea, I have noticed moms form the "playgroups" for their children, but really more for social interaction time. This is really a good thing... in moderation. I was having an introspective moment while cleaning a while ago and realized how much time I spend planning activities for "us" to do during the day that really are more for me and I realized that's a pretty selfish thing to do. I am all about planning activities where my children have opportunities to get out and socialize, but I think my issues is that I realized I was spending far too much time planning those activities that we were almost never home and my kids were pretty much babysitting themselves while I, my self, was on my own "playdate" with other moms. It's great because it gives us time to vent, to laugh, to bond. But I think when it becomes the norm or becomes more the rule rather than than the exception, occupying more than half of your time with your children, then there is something missing.

God gave me this awesome time to spend with my kiddos- to laugh with them, to teach them, to love on them, to be a mom. I was so misguided in my way of thinking that I assumed this time at home was more for me. Looking back, I can already see where I have missed so much with them. I have left them to play or to do their own thing and they are practically begging for more of me. So what's the solution? I'm not sure. Now that I am aware of the issue, it makes me want to jump right in to scheduling mommy and kid time- no TVs, no computers, no anything extra needed- just me and my babies- the way God intended it to be. I want to teach them more, I want to sit and just "be" with them more, I want to instill Christ in them, and I especially want to honor God in the way I parent.

A wise friend once said "Be what you want your children to become." So Kyle and I were talking about what we want for our children. We made this really long list and as the list grew, I got more and more uncomfortable because I realized there are several changes that need to be made in my own life. But they are good changes- they are changes that will transform me in to the kind of person I would love for my children to become- the kind of person that strives to honor God in everything they do. So ya, I think that's the answer. I need to change some things in my own life and get out of my own way so God can shine through. He will love my children through me the way they need to be loved. He will make me in to the kind of person I want to model for my children, and He will eventually mold them to be more like Him, less like me. So I think in order for all of that to happen, the social planner needs to hang up her social hats for a while and just "be" with her babies so they have a chance to learn what it really means when mommy stays at home.

Sick

I am such a sick creature! I admit it! I need help! When I blogged yesterday I was going to "rest" right? You know what I did? I SO cleaned my house!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Seriously- I told you. I have issues. Not only did I enjoy cleaning, but I found it rather therapeutic. Is there a name for this disease? Should I be on medicine?

But seriously... my babies are sick. I guess it's like rhotovirus (good times!) because Trinity got up at 5:00 this morning and was in my bathroom for quite some time before the smell hit me. Then I jumped out of bed just in time to realize that not only was there an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet that I would have to remove by hand, but my entire bathroom also now needed to be Cloroxed. That was not an exaggeration. While my husband cared for my sick angel, I got to spend the morning scrubbing and bleaching the entire bathroom. What a way to spend a morning! At least it's all clean now, but I still have a sick angel. Her little face is green and she is watching some really "interesting" show on the Disney channel. Pray for her if you think about it. Pray that Jacob doesn't get this yucky bug that Timothy and me and Trinity have all had now. Thanks so much. :)

I am off to lay back down for a wee bit so I can enjoy the overwhelming smell of bleach and try not to get high off of the fumes. Good times!

Monday, Monday

SO I should be cleaning my house right now but I realized I have been neglecitng my blog so I wanted to write (much more fun anyway). I am sure I will regret it in ten minutes when I still have housework that is calling out to me, but you know... today I say "who cares?" I don't have company until this weekend and I realized I have been spending far too much time on the housework and little things and far too little time on the other little things (ie.- the little angels that occupy the rooms I am so desperately trying to clean). So, I decided to call it a day on the housework... for right now. I have issues with OCD so this might be a struggle for me. As for now, I am doing well. I decided I needed ten minutes of time to my self to blog and to relx so i am doing that and enjoying it.

So let's see. What's new? Well, Timothy has been sick off and on for over a week now, which is super frustrating. He will have random diarrhea or something of the sort and go back to being normal. I am not sure if it's something he ate (although that really hasn't changed) or if he is just sick or what's going on. So we'll see. Jacob is doing better. He was really sick with laryngitis (thanks to me) and a cold/ cough to top it off. Poor baby. He had the most pathetic cry- you would look at him and he would appear to be screaming but it was as if he was in a slient film because although he appeared to be screaming, nothing was coming out. I must say I am actually glad that has gotten better. It was kind of nice not to have the screaming echoing throughout the house but honestly when he started feeling better it was good for my heart to hear the little guy again. He only cries when he is really hungry or really tired and I almost never let it get to that point so most of what I hear are the sweet sounds of him cooing or squealing with delight. It's a precious time for us right now! :)

Speaing of exciting times- my Trinity is to start gymnastics this Thursday and I am so elated!!! I can't really believe she is that big but she really is!!! Crazy!!! I am super happy for her though. This will be so good for her on so many levels. I can't wait to see her out there jumping around and having fun. And Savannah's softball season ended this weekend. It was an interesting ride. We got to see a few of her games and she did well when she was batting and running but she was cracking me up when she was in the outfield. Her mom and I were at this game saturday and just laughing as she was so not interested in being in the outfield. She laid down and played with the grass. She was being a silly girl but it was entertaining, I do have to admit. I wish she was more excited about it. She says she likes to play but her actions contradict her words so we'll have to see if maybe we can't get her more excited about playing in the outfield (and not with the grass). Soon, hopefully. :)

So anyway, nothing else new is really going on. I actually got all three to nap today so woooohooooo. I am going to do something productive. I wish I could just enjoy rest time and not feel like I NEED to be doing something. I think it's a stronghold. I should just thank God for the time I have to rest and get to napping. That would rock. Going to it now... have a blessed week!