Cleaning House- Growth Spurt

So, my grocery bill just went up, again.  The kids are eating like food is going out of style.  They aren't gaining any weight, but according to the marks on my pantry wall, they are growing.  I noticed as I watched Shepherd eat last week that he seemed more hungry than normal.  As I watched him eat, I realized I'd been going through a growth spurt as well.  No, I'm not pregnant again.  I mean that God has been trying to grow me.  Imagine if I never let Shepherd eat more than he did as a newborn.  Imagine if the kids were still on bottles and I never increased their food intake to accomodate their nutritional needs as they grew. 

That's kind of what it's been like for me, off and on.  As God has been trying to grow me, there have been times where I feel convicted by this scripture found in 1 Corinthians 3, The Message: "You're acting like infants in relation to Christ, capable of nothing much more than nursing at the breast. Well, then, I'll nurse you since you don't seem capable of anything more. As long as you grab for what makes you feel good or makes you look important, are you really much different than a babe at the breast, content only when everything's going your way?"  Yeah, you can say it- ouch.  

God has been trying to teach and grow me, but I have been relying on my own understanding- which is like perpetually drinking formula from a bottle when God has been trying to feed me a steak. In Proverbs 3, we are told "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."  Do not depend on your own understanding...  do not depend on your own understanding.  So I've been creating my own path- no wonder my plans aren't working out!  I want a steak.  I don't want this formula any longer.  I want what God has for me, but have been doing things my way.  It's time to grow. 

One of the first scriptures I ever memorized: was John 10:10- "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  Satan's goal is to defeat us, as Christians.  He wants to steal from us, to kill, and to destroy.  He figures if he can keep me drinking from a bottle my whole life, I'll never grow into the woman God created me to be.  But I have a higher calling.  It's time for me to dive into the word- to put on the full armor of God and "stand against the devil’s schemes." . 

So, my grocery bill may be growing, and my kids may be getting taller, but I smile because I know this is all a part of an awesome process.  I am cleaning out the pantry- getting rid of all of the junk.  I will continue to feed them as their little bodies demand and I will seek to set the example by taking in what is necessary for my growth, throwing off any and all distractions. 

That being said- pass the steak, please!   

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

She's Baaaaaaaaack!

I last posted almost two weeks go.  For about three days, I was on a roll.  I was flooded with thoughts and ideas to share.  Since then, the flood has not stopped.  I am literally backed up with things that I would like to share but have had a hectic couple of weeks.  There is so much change going on around me and as of late, there are days when I can barely keep my head above water.  It's been an interesting ride, to say the least. 

First there was the tummy bug.  I think we passed it around the house for an entire month before it finally ended.  Then Shepherd got a tremendous sinus infection/ ear infection on top of teething pain- taking away from most of his naps (which is when I write).  Then Kyle's computer broke... or, rather, was broken by a very mischievous toddler who seems to have quite a knack for pressing buttons in such a sequence that one's computer can no longer function.  Awesomeness.  Really.  Then there was the wedding of my step-sister which required a day trip to Austin with the hottie (yes, I rather enjoyed the alone time, thankyouverymuch baby sitter).  And then there were several other random events that all joined together to keep me away from this blog.  There were meetings and phone calls and chores, galore!

But, let me reassure you- I am back!  :)  His computer is still broken, so I can't write as long as he needs to do homework, but other than that, I'm looking forward to sharing with you what God has been showing me as I "clean the house".  Here's to real life getting in the way.  Here's to God growing me and changing me during this time.  A friend, after hearing about my journey said to me "Man, God must want you to be perfect!" "Not perfect," I replied, "Perfectly dependant." 

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

To The Wives (Part I)- THROWING STONES

In MEET THE HOTTIE, I introduced you to the love of my life- my best friend.  I told you all about how we met and fell in love.  Then, doing things in a backward manner, we became pregnant and immediately got married.  And then the fun began.  We had been married about two months and Kyle (The Hottie) decided that he wanted IHOP for dinner so we dressed and quickly were on our way.  Now, being my father's daughter and somewhat of a control freak, I decided to drive. 

On the way there Kyle says to me (several times....) "Honey, we really should go the other way.  It's much faster."  To which I calmly replied "No, it's okay.  I am already going this way.  We will be fine going this way and next time we can try your way."  This interaction repeated itself about 6 times before I realized he was not getting the point, nor was he going to let it go.  He kept insisting.  So, hormones raging, I busted a U turn, flipped my husband off (because....?) and screamed at him for nagging me like a toddler.  I gave in and went his way... kicking and screaming (ironically, also like a toddler).  We made our way inside IHOP and to our table where I buried my head in my hands and started crying...  hysterically.  I looked up because I expected him to either (a) be fuming across the table or (b) comfort his pregnant, crying wife.  What did I see what I looked up?  Laughter.  The man was laughing at me while I was crying.  Seriously. 

Looking back, we both laugh about it now.  We have been together for nine years (during which, four of those years I was hormonal and pregnant) so he has learned a thing or two. But he isn't the only one who has learned a thing or two.  I remember that night like it was yesterday because it was my first big pregnant meltdown, but also because it was the first time I realized what a prideful woman I can be.  When we were dating, I was on my best behavior.  I didn't want to run him off so when he upset me (for the most part), I didn't mention it.  I guess something changed after we said our vows because for that poor schmuck, all bets were off. 

After that night, I felt empowered.  I felt validated.  I felt... larger (seriously- HUGE omelet for dinner).  I digress.  Unleashing all of those months of pent up frustration, combined with the influx of hormones made me feel like a new woman- a woman who was in control- FINALLY!  So whenever he would do something to upset me, I would tell him, point blank and often without respect.  I was sarcastic and rude.  I was impatient.  I was very mean and controlling.  Let me just say- looking back, I often wonder why I didn't get a broom to ride on for our first few anniversaries.  Yes, it really was THAT bad.

I would disrespect him in front of his peers and friends.  I would talk down to him while he was working... In hindsight, I often wonder why he even stayed.  I know in Genesis 3:16 (NLT) it says "And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you."  Wow did He ever hit that nail on the head!  I wanted to control Kyle.  In many ways, I did- either by degrading him or by manipulating him with my tears and emotions. I even withheld sex from him when I didn't get my way.  I thought this would make him want to give me what I wanted, but it only hurt him more.  Rather than being married to the woman of his dreams, he was stuck with the villain from his nightmares. 

So what changed?  I mean... I'm not like this now, am I?  Honestly, the temptation is still there and probably always will be (thankyouverymuch, Eve), but thanks to Kyle's boss and a woman with a heart for mentoring, I have come to learn my place in our marriage and am on the road to becoming the wife God designed me to be.  What did they say or do that changed me so much?  First there was Kyle's boss (who is a former preacher).  He came over to our house one night after work and spoke with Kyle for about an hour inside the house before asking me to join them. 

When I came inside, he said to me the words that would forever change my life (and my marriage).  He said, "Christi, I've heard the way you talk to Kyle and I've seen the way you treat him.  I came to tell you that you are out of line and have lost your place in this marriage.  Christi, when God puts two people together, He gives the wife stones.  Now you can do one of two things with those stones (your words)- you can either throw them and watch as over time your husband will turn into a pile of rubble emotionally.  Or you can lay them and see that over time God has taken those words, those stones, and built a tower of a man.  So, Christi, let me ask you- do you want to lay stones, or do you want to throw them?  It's your choice."  And now wives, I must ask you the same thing:  Do you want to lay stones, or do you want to throw them? 

I know your husband isn't perfect.  No man is (even the hottie, in all of his splendor).  I know that some of your husbands are struggling with the unimaginable.  Some are cowards (in your eyes).  Some are controlling and/ or abusive.  But God put you in that marriage for a reason.  He knew thousands of years ago, before you were ever born that you would CHOOSE to marry that man.  So let me ask you- why do you think you are there?  Do you believe God put you in that place so you could control him and always feel good about yourself?  Or do you think maybe God had a different plan?  Do you think it's possible that God put you in your marriage, knowing you would struggle, so that (a) God would be the one you depended on when your own strength ran out, and (b) God could change that man through your presence in his life?  Think about it.  I want to challenge you this week to consider the words as they come out of your mouth.  Think of them as stones...  Will you lay them, my friend, or will you throw them?

NO LONGER I.

ONE UGLY, NO GOOD, BIG, FAT DAY!

So you know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words?  Well, we had our family photos done yesterday and let me start off by saying 99.9% of them are insane. awesome. phenomenal.  Then there are the pictures of me.  Yes, as a matter of fact I AM having one of those days.  It's one of those days where I feel big and fat and ugly.  It's one of those days where I yelled at my kids, was super impatient.  I even had a few moments where I thought to myself, "Really, God?!?? Why did you give me children???  I don't deserve them and they don't deserve me!  They deserve better!"  Then I looked at these pictures of my beautiful children and my heart melted into a thousand pieces.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE these children- all 1,372,287 of them.  Please see evidence of said beautiful children below:

 

But as I was looking at the family photos, I felt almost out of place.  If each picture is worth 1,000 words, then I must have thought a million this afternoon.  A lot of them sounded like this: "You are a troll.  You are ugly. You are so fat.  Seriously?!?!?  Why would HE ever like YOU, let alone love YOU? Your family is so photogenic... so why aren't you?  Your kids are so beautiful- they must have gotten that from their dad.  Your eyes are so ugly.  You are never going to conquer this weight issue...  just stop trying."  And the train of thought didn't stop there, but thankfully a friend called and caught me in the middle of it, causing me to stop and think rationally.

Here's the thing- I don't like being in front of the camera.  I much prefer being the "taker" of all of our family photos for this reason- seeing those photos was a huge reality check in so many ways.  Once I got over the initial shock of the photos, I processed the words that I had been saying to myself and I realized a few things:

1- I can be pretty immature sometimes... and incredibly selfish.
2- Lies, lies, lies- they were all lies!
3- I don't always have an answer for everything- I may know the truths, but knowing them and walking in them or applying them are two completely different mentalities.
4- I need to get out of my head so the Holy Spirit can have some room to work.  :)

All of that to say, it was both a good day (because I got to see some amazing photos of my family) and a horrible day (because I gave the enemy a foothold into my mind and sent me on a downward spiral).  So, I know sometimes I can come off as a know-it-all, but I'm human and I struggle just like the rest of you.  So for now... I may not have all of the answers, but I'm working on it.  :)  NO LONGER I.

All photos property of Chip Gillespie: http://www.chipgillespie.com/

Meet The Hottie

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl who met, fell in love, got married and had twenty seven children (slight exaggeration).  They lived happily ever after... sort of. 

I can remember it like it was yesterday. Ten years ago this coming July, I was going with a friend to a fourth of July celebration on the lake.  I can remember being in a terrible mood driving out there, but the second I stepped out of the car, that all changed.  For there, about 100 feet away, stood the man I would one day marry.  I can remember looking out on to the water and seeing this man towering above the water.  I was awe-struck by his good looks and his gentleness with the children that surrounded him.  He looked up at me and the butterflies rushed in.  I had never seen a man this beautiful in real life (seriously).  He stood six feet, seven inches tall, dark hair and the most gorgeous blue-green eyes I'd ever seen.  I spent the day flirting with this man that I could not take my eyes off of.  Something drew me to him- something beyond his looks, beyond his gentleness.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew there was something different about him and I wanted to make sure I got to see him again.

Five months passed before our next meeting.  A chance outing with our best friends would open the door for our future together.  After this evening with our friends, he and I met up to hang out one night.  At the end of our time together, we drove to the complex where I would be moving the following week and I pointed out my apartment before going back home.  On moving day, that same beautiful man came knocking on the door of my new apartment.  My friend and I had stayed up all night cleaning and working to organize the new place.  By the time Kyle and his brother showed up, I was filthy, exhausted, had no makeup on, and was (at the very least) looking rough- not at all my dream for impressing the man who had caused such butterflies in me.

None-the-less, it began.  He started calling, visiting, and taking me out.  He opened doors, pulled out chairs, and courted me.  He made me feel special in a way no other man had.  He made me feel beautiful in a way no other man had.  He had his eyes on the prize and continued to press on towards to goal of wooing me, but little did he know, he had me at hello.  ;)  I wanted to marry that man from the moment I saw him.  Everything female inside of me longed for his attention and affections.  I wanted to marry this man. 

Meet The hottie (a nickname you will learn all about in up-coming posts).   

After all of this, I was still very much a selfish girl...  tune in next time to hear more of our story.  Keep reading and you'll see how I began down this road to becoming the woman God created me to be (a journey I will not complete until I go home to be with Jesus, but a journey worth sharing, none-the-less). You'll meet our children and you will see how God rescued us from potential divorce and worked through us to help us find victory in Him.  No longer I. 

DISCLAIMER

So, I'm 31.   I have no formal education beyond high school.  I am not a licensed teacher, counselor, or therapist.  I don't claim to have it all together all of the time (not even some of the time).  In all likelihood, you aren't reading this because you think I have it all together (which is great because it helps take the pressure off).  I'm just a mom, a wife, and a child of God.  I suffer with OCD and ADHD (and probably a few other things I have yet to self diagnose or even realize).  But I have learned much about life and about marriage- most of these lessons learned the hard way because of foolish or immature decisions.  I'm not writing because i think I have all of the answers.  I'm writing because I think that if even one person walks away enlightened as a result of things God has brought me through, then I feel like this time is worth it.  That being said, read on! 

I do.

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

Ahhhhhh...  That's the dream right there.  Isn't it?  A romantic kiss on the beach to "seal the deal" and we're off to live happily ever after... right?  I learned about 2 months into my marriage that "wedded bliss" was somewhat of a myth.  Not that people can't experience happiness in marriage (because trust me, we do), but the fairy tale- the "happily ever after"- that's what six-year-old girls start dreaming about (thankyouverymuch Disney). 

We think that growing up involves meeting "Mr. Right" and becoming "Mrs. Right" and riding off into the sunset.  What Disney fails to show you when they paint that picture of the prince and princess is that real life gets in the way of that happily ever after.  Bills start coming in. Kids are added to the equation.  The fairy tale starts to fade away into the reality that is life.  Then something happens- the enemy begins to whisper things in your ear.  You start to hear words of selfishness, vanity, the need for approval, the need for control.  You start to accept much of what you hear as truth and doubt sets in, altering your happily ever after.  Because we live in a fallen world, we are constantly surrounded by temptations and what I am starting to see is fewer and fewer couples fighting back.

As of today, I personally know of about ten couples who are struggling because the husbands have perpetually made the decision to give in to the temptation of pornography creating a whole additional set of issues for their already insecure wives.  I also know of several couples who are sufferring because the wives give in to their desire for control and have long forgotten their place in a marriage- creating husbands who resent them and feel no sense of respect or love.  I am surrounded by divorcing or divorced couples who have forgotten what it feels like to truly feel loved- who are creating a new low level of expectation for the up-and-coming generation of marriages yet to come- teaching them that when the going gets tough, and it's just too difficult to fight back, it's okay to give up and get going. 

This may offend, upset, or frustrate some readers, but I feel it is my God-given duty to speak out (I mean this is, after all, my bl-ah-g- my word vomit).  Starting today, I will be sharing with you what God has taught me in my 9 years of marriage.  This area of who I am now comes from so much of what God has brought us through together.  God has taught me so much and is still teaching me.  As I am walking through these figurative rooms, "cleaning out the crap", I am remembering some tough lessons and understanding more and more why I struggled with (and still struggle with) some things (like the desire to control my husband).  I want to help encourage others who may struggle while God continues to do a work in me and in my own marriage.  I have been politely silent for far too long but now I seek to honor God by speaking some much-needed truths over anyone who is willing to hear them. 

NO LONGER I.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness... right?

A little-known, fun fact about me: I wrestle with OCD.  If everything is not in its exact place, I get stressed out- almost to the point of anxiety.  When we brought Shepherd home from the hospital, the house was clean-ish, but there was a little bit of clutter laying around so I had an emotional meltdown and sat, crying on the stairs for about 30 minutes.  I know a large part of that was hormones, but on the other side of that was my struggle.  I cannot go to sleep at night unless the house is in order (for the most part) because I will lie there and think about all that needs to be done and it will stress me out.  This week I have fallen back into that same rut- not sleeping because I am overwhelmed with the amount of work left to do before this house is organized. 

We moved in about a month ago and I have yet to finish unpacking.  I was laughing at myself last night as I made my to-do list for today.  On that list was a section entitled: LISTS TO MAKE.  Seriously.  I know I have issues, but I started to wonder why.  Why do I struggle with this- this need to accomplish perfection?  And will I ever be able to move past this?  Will I ever be able to sit down and watch a movie with my husband and not feel that nagging in the back of my brain to get up and get things done?  Will I ever just be able to enjoy my children without them having to be clean?  Will I ever be able to enjoy this beautiful house without feeling like I have to constantly clean, organize, or "do"? 

Some of this may just be our current stage of life but I think there are other issues at hand.  Looking at how much time I spend doing housework, organizing, and making sure everything is "perfect", I have to wonder if the enemy is using this as a foothold to steal joy from my every day life.  John 10:10 says "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." 

The thief is coming to steal any joy I might find from spending time with my children or husband by distracting me with thoughts of discontentment.  He is trying to kill my dependence on God by giving me a sense of control over this "stuff"- because when it's organized, I feel in control. (Sick, I know...) He's trying to break me down emotionally and mentally by sending thoughts of discouragement and hopelessness, often whispering lies like the serpent in the garden.  I hear things like: "If your house isn't perfect- you are not in control, you are not a good wife, you are not a good mother." 

The funny thing is- God doesn't love me because of what I do, but, rather, who I am.  His presence in my life is what makes me whole.  He can love my children through me.  He can love my husband through me.  All I have to do is get out of the way.   In my quiet time this morning, I stumbled across this verse:  "Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God." 2 Cor. 7:1


I believe I have let this OCD defile my spirit, causing depression at times and discontentment.  I'm not saying that I should settle for a dirty house or complete dysfunction.  I'm saying that I need to find the balance and not let this "need" to clean come in between me and the things God has for me. 

So this week I'm starting a new study on my own.  Because I feel like it's fitting and I really do enjoy cleaning, I am going to be walking through the metaphorical rooms in my life, cleaning out the CRAP.  As I get one "room" cleaned out, I will share what God is showing me.  Today He showed me that I struggle with a desire for control and perfection.  I also struggle with worshipping the idol I have made out of my house.   Just like my ongoing battle with weight loss, it's not going to go away over night.  But I truly believe my God is a God who saves and I believe he can and will deliver me from this stronghold the enemy has been allowed to have in my life for way too long.  So, for now, I'll pray and take it one day at a time. 

Surrender can be a very powerful thing  As strong as I like to think I am, my God is so much stronger and when we all put control back in His hands, where it belongs, amazing things start to take place.  Chains broken.  Lives made new.  In surrender, we find freedom.  In surrender, I become no longer I and God becomes the one and only Lord in my life. 




No longer I.

BLOG?

So, who invented the word BLOG anyway?  I mean, it sounds like what it is: word vomit.  So was someone just writing a diary one day, then realized it was word vomit and decided to call it what it is?  a BL-AH-G?  I'm mostly just curious.  I would like to think that when I share my random thoughts with people, it's not just word vomit, but I read an e-mail from our pastor today that made me re-think how much I share, or overshare.  Below is a copy of the e-mail devotional, written by Jeff Wells, senior pastor of Woods Edge Community Church:

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise."
Proverbs 10:19


The more we talk, the more we sin. That ought to sober us and cause us to slow down our talking, but many of us talk on! 

There was a tombstone in an English churchyard. The faint etching read:


Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Arabella Young,
Who, on the twenty-fourth of May,
Began to hold her tongue.


Far better if we heed Proverbs 10:19 and begin to hold our tongue while we live! The Bible says: That’s what wise people do. They are not incessant talkers. They talk, of course. But they are slow to speak and quick to listen (James 1:19).


Why do we talk too much? Maybe it’s nervousness. Maybe insecurity. But a big reason for excessive talking is pride. We are self-preoccupied, self-centered, self-enamored. Proverbs 18:2 says: "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."


One of my heroes is Theodore Roosevelt. Roosevelt was a courageous, fearless President with many incredible traits. But like the rest of us, he was one flawed individual. Talking too much was one of those flaws. One biographer, Edmund Morris, comments:


"He delights like a schoolboy in parading his knowledge, and does so loudly, and at such length, that less vigorous talkers lapse into weary silence. John Hay once calculated that in a two-hour dinner at the White House, Roosevelt’s guests were responsible for only four and a half minutes of conversation; the rest was supplied by the President himself."


OK, maybe you’re not that bad! I hope not! But Theodore Roosevelt is not the standard! God calls us to be careful, to hold back, to go slow when it comes to talking. Be slow to speak, quick to listen. Most of us get that backwards: We are quick to speak, slow to listen.


Words are a great resource. We can do so much good with life-giving words. But words can be abused. One way we abuse words is to talk too much and listen too little. In a day of cell phones, e-mail and Facebook, perhaps the problem of excessive words is worse than ever.


Wise people hold their tongue. How are you doing at this rare discipline?

Ouch.  "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."  Yes, I, more than most, need guidance and discipline in this area.  More than anything, I need self control in my life and I always think that I can add to a conversation or maybe something I say can help or encourage someone.  But a long time ago, a wise friend told me (very lovingly) "Christi, you don't always have to say every thought that comes to mind."  And perhaps this wise friend was right.  I wonder if holding my tongue would give others an opportunity to encourage, to share, to help be iron for another friend (or, heaven forbid, for me!)  So here it is, my BL-AH-G for today... about having fewer words, listening more, and loving others more than I love the sound of my own voice.  No longer I.

Love Me

Perhaps I'm a little emotional today... perhaps. Or maybe I'm just tired, or just being a girl but I started thinking back to high school. I can remember being supremely insecure and not really confident in anything about myself. Even as a teenager, I was always looking for my niche- trying to find that group of friends who would accept me for who I was. The problem is that I didn't know who I was. I spent so much time trying to fit a mold that I thought people were looking for me to fill that I never really took time to find my own shape. And because I was so afraid of what people were thinking about me, I put on masks, facades, one at a time- removing each only for a millisecond to put on the next mask.

I wanted to fit in so badly, as most teenagers do, and I thought if I could just find the right mask, enough people would like me and I would be happy. But I never found that happiness. I only found more and more masks and before long I was so deep in my own masks that I had forgotten what the real me looked like altogether.

These insecurities have followed me into adulthood, unfortunately. I have recently noticed that the cliques from high school didn't end in high school. People are still people- all with deep seeded needs for security and acceptance. Thus, we find the cliques in our churches and neighborhoods. As of late, I have found myself looking for that happiness again- that acceptance- but I noticed to fit in to certain groups, you have to have money, or be funny, successful, or entertaining. You have to have the right job or the right look (none of which I have). So I have often found myself wondering if there will ever be a time when I really do fit in. I have tried wearing the masks, but it's exhausting.

The difference between adulthood and childhood for me, is that now I am able to recognize what I am looking for. We are all designed with a God-shaped hole and are trying to fill it with different things. We all want to be accepted and loved unconditionally. Because the enemy knows this, He attacks this part of each of us, whispering lies like these:

"If you can just lose this weight, then you'll have the look you need."
"If you can just become successful at something... at anything, THEN you'll be accepted."
"Maybe if you were just a bit funnier, or smarter, or knew more people..."
"Maybe if you sang better or wrote better or were more talented in this area..."
"If you can just be friends with these people, THEN you will be happy."


But all of these are just lies, meant to keep us filled with an unquenchable thirst. I struggle with these thoughts when I stop making time to read my Bible and pray. Recognizing this, I opened up my Bible and found this in John 4:13- 13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Jesus wants to fill the void in our hearts. He wants to be the one we turn to for acceptance and love. He wants to quench this insatiable thirst so we can all stop trying so hard, stop pretending to be who we are not.

I continued reading and found this in Psalm 139:

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!



Thank you Jesus for loving me so! Thank you for being the one who loves and accepts me just as I am. Thank you for quenching this thirst in me and loving me with your never ending, indescribable love! Thank you for making me, uniquely me- and then finding delight in this creation! In you, and you alone do I put my trust. No longer I.

The Truth Hurts... And Then It Heals

Yo Momma. Thank you very much Will Smith for creating that timeless line of wit. I remember sitting in a dorm room with an old friend of mine trading 'yo momma' jokes. I never in a million years dreamed I'd be the butt of any of those jokes, (no pun intended, but now that I think about it... run with the pun) but here we are, some years later, and it has happened. My little girl came home from school the other day and told me she was upset because a neighbor friend was teasing her and calling her names. Then she dropped the bomb, "And mom, he kept saying you were fat, like really fat." Ouch. No, really... OUCH.

I never imagined my weight would affect my children. I always thought it was my issue to deal with. I mean, they are practically stick people- blessed with my hot husband's genes rather than mine. But now my daughter is being teased because of my choices. So I took some serious time to reflect and to think about exactly how badly I wanted to make these changes.

I am the queen of starting things and not finishing them. I have started countless books and never finished them. And diets? Don't even get me started! If it has a name, I have tried it. I start projects all of the time and life gets in the way in one form or another, so I put them on the back burner insisting "one day" I will get to them. So what if "one day" never comes and I never finish these projects? What if that "one day" I have started my one millionth diet and never completed it? Will my family still be suffering because of my choices?

If you get a chance, read through 1 Corinthians 10. There is so much meat in this chapter alone but I have hand picked a few verses to share with you:

12 If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. 14 So, my dear friends, flee from the worship of idols...

Here I see that God is faithful and will not allow me to be tempted beyond what I can stand. So maybe this journey is one I can successfully complete after all. Maybe I won't have to look back and wonder what ever happened to "one day".

Then He says:

23 You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. 24 Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others...

Wow. And there it is- in black and white. "don't be concerned for your own good, but for the good of others." What kind of example have I been setting for my children? Have I been setting an example of self control? Not even close. What about my kids? What are they seeing? I have been far too concerned with living for my own desires that I haven't even considered the long term effects on my family. I'm setting them up for failure, teaching them that selfishness and greed are not just okay, but they are a way of life, eventually leading to a horrible, painful, sickening death.

Verse 31 says:

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

That was probably the most life altering verse in this chapter for me. I've been living for my self for so long, I'd forgotten why I was put here in the first place. I wasn't put on this planet to do whatever I want. I wasn't put here to enjoy everything the earth has to offer. I was put here to bring glory to God. So I choose to die to myself. I choose to live for Him. This momma is no ordinary momma. If there is one thing I want to leave to my children, it's the legacy of a life lived to bring glory to God. No longer I.

The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

Once upon a time there was this really hot girl. Then she had 87 children and gained 1,000,000 pounds. Okay, perhaps there is a bit of exaggeration in the previous statements... I wouldn't say she was reeeeeally hot, but her hot husband would. And maybe she didn't have 87 children, but in an eight year span, she had four children and gained 120+ pounds. Yes, 120 pounds on top of the original body weight... ouch.

Clearly this mystery woman I speak of is myself. While I recognize that there is now more of me to love, my youngest child is now seven months old and I am looking back to nine years ago when I started dating my husband. I had just lost about 40 pounds and was working out regularly, eating right and the best part? Where the balloon currently resides in my midsection, there was a strong core. Over the course of the first pregnancy, I learned terrible eating habits that stayed with me. Before my first pregnancy I had finally broken that cycle and was on track to being healthy. But, alas! My terrible eating habits have come back in spades and I am now in an unhealthy, vicious cycle that will eventually kill me if I don't make some drastic changes.

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. So here it is: My name is Christi Muhle and I struggle with gluttony. Not just over-eating on occasion, but gluttony- defined as "the practice of eating to excess" or "an extreme lack in self discipline."

During a fasting season God revealed to me this sin in my life. He gave me this scripture from 1 Peter 1:13-16:

So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. 14 So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. 16 For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”

I believe He has called me to a time of holiness- a time of dependence on Him. I believe God wants to deliver me from bondage to this sin, but it's going to be a journey. I know it won't happen over night,and if I didn't see God's glory on the other side of this thing, I would feel bad about it. Instead, I am trusting in Him, walking in the promises and truth that He has already won the battle. I am more excited about it than anything so I am walking in his victory instead of in my shame. So here you have it- the official beginning of my journey. Walk with me and see what God does. Walk with me and one day we will be able to look back on this post and finally say, "No longer I."

THE REAL ME

So I was in a meeting with a good friend (mentor, really) and another friend the other day. My mentor says to me: “Christi, you exude confidence and just appear fully confident in everything, but I think you are covering up for some deep seeded insecurities.” First, I was in shock at how amazingly accurate that statement was. Then I was embarrassed because someone had “found me out”. Not that I ever intended to hide my insecurities- I think it was more of a self-preservation method. I have never actually been super self-confident, so in order to not drown in depression or self pity, when I was about 14 I started wearing this façade of confidence and I guess somehow it just carried over into my adult life. I never really took that mask off. I think it’s good, to a point because where I lack confidence, the mask helps me to be able to walk into situations I might not normally go and forces me to match the appearance I am giving off. So in that, I guess it can be a good thing. But the sad thing is, I AM covering up some real insecurities that really need to be addressed in order for me to become the woman God created me to be.

Like many other woman, I suffer with body image issues (which probably accounts for about 45% of my insecurities) and stems from my childhood. Also, like many other people, I have issues with wanting the approval of man and feeling inadequate. That’s probably the greatest amount of my struggles. I know I shouldn’t want that, crave that so much, or even doubt that I am loved, but on so many levels, I do want that and I do doubt that. I was hurt a lot as a kid by “friends” and even, at times, family- taking advantage of me and making fun of me- the real me. So at some point I decided the “real me” was no longer good enough and I decided I would become someone people can like. I tried to be funny, but I’m not as funny as I’d like to be. I tried to be wise (but ha! That’s a gift, not something you can create). I tried to be generous and thoughtful and smart and creative... I tried to be physically perfect, I tried to be all of these things that are just not me (the real me). ON some level, I am little pieces of all of these things but when it all comes down, I don’t even know who I really am, and it bothers me.

I started thinking- how can I be this woman, this teacher that I want to be if I don’t even know who I really am? That would make me a hypocrite and I know for certain that’s not what God created me to be. So over the next few weeks, months... I will be doing some major changing, some major soul searching. I want to find out who I am and why I am here. I want to take off all of my masks and be real for the first time in my adult life.

Is this going to be difficult? Certainly. There is always pain when you grow, but the end result? Growth. Maturity. Development. God wants to use me; He wants to grow me, to lead me- the REAL me, not the me I pretend to be.

SO I’m not sure what I’ll look like when I am done, but I just feel like this has been a long time coming and I would so much rather live a life of obedience than a life of comfort- even if it means not everyone will like me (as if they did now... ha!) And even if it means I am a little more grown up (hello!) And even if it means I am not who I once thought I should be- because I am certain the person God created me to be is a far better person than this person I have been trying to be. I am sure she has a better relationship with her kids and with her husband. I am sure she doesn’t get bothered by gossip about her or by the fact that not everyone likes her. I am sure she knows how to really love people and to be in love with her creator. And I am sure she recognizes where her true beauty lies... not in the opinions of man or in having the perfect body or in the things of this world, but her true beauty comes from God. I am certain she is confident in that and it’s more than enough to erase all of her past... Ya... I’m ready to become that woman. 

The Battle and The Victory

Wow. Can I just say this has been a week!!! (obviously, not referring to the current week since it just started…) I am referring to last week. During the course of the week, I endured some annoying physical pain, sickness, drastic mood swings (part of being a girl) and really, clearly saw God grab ahold of me. It was an emotionally draining week, but an amazingly strong week of growth for me. At the beginning of the week, I was living in my own strength and by Thursday I was completely exhausted and out of my own strength- that’s when I completely surrendered it to God. For the first time that week, I was able to fight off the enemy consciously and courageously. I refused to give in to the attack. I refused to allow the enemy to have control over my mind here at work, at home, and in between, and God had the victory! I LOVE when that happens.

So I know it all sounds really broad and confusing because I am not giving specific detail. I am not giving specific detail because I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary in this case and would do no good at all. But let me just say, my God is faithful, my God is strong. My God loves me and my God saved me! I cannot stop praising Him for answering my prayers- He came to my rescue when I needed Him most and for that, I owe Him my life, my all.

That is where I am right now… I am curious to see what the rest of this week holds… the attacks just keep on coming and I am loving it because every time the enemy tries to move forward on my heart and in my head, I am forced to turn to and rely on God- which, in turn has brought me closer to Him, more dependant upon Him, and is bringing me back where I have wanted to be for so long- at His feet, completely surrendered… what a journey! 

Long Time, No Blog

So, I have been at work for about a month now (5 weeks tomorrow to be exact) and have loved most every minute of it (except that part where I am away from my kids 11 hours out of every day). On the whole, it's been really good for me: good for me to be away from home, I think because it gives me a renewed perspective on being a mom and a wife and just on life in general. Before I went back to work, I am pretty sure I was going down a scary path towards depression. I (like many other at-home-moms) sort of lost my sense of purpose and started feeling lost in the job of being a mom or being a wife. I lost my self and became afraid I wouldn't recover. That's not why I went back to work, but being here has sort of awakened me and given me time to reflect and to kind of re-establish who I am.

I know this much about my self- I am not just Christi Muhle (Kyle's Wife) or Christi Muhle (mom of 4) or Christi Muhle (working woman). What I have been learning and what means the most to me is that I am Christi Muhle- Child of God. There is no title I'd rather own, and no title I am more relieved to carry.

So while learning all of this, I have been away from the blog. I don't know if it's a lack of time or a lack of interest or what. I do know there is so much going on in my mind and in my heart and I want to share it all with you, but for now, I must return to my work. Be looking for more updates. My brain is literally flooded daily with thoughts, bits and pieces, and words of wisdom that I can't wait to share here. SO, welcome back to my blog. :)