My Life On A Diet... Day 1 (again)

Yep.  I'm dieting again.  I love to diet.  (Note the thick, inlaid sarcasm in my tone).

I watched a show last week where one of the main characters is an alcoholic.  She has struggled with an addiction to alcohol off and on for a while.  In this latest episode, the character had been sober for 30 days and then in a moment of emotional weakness, she drank again.  The next morning she was in an AA meeting and said something that struck an emotional chord with me.  She said something to the effect of  "I'm humiliated.  I'm back to day 1.  I'm starting over from scratch and it's embarrassing, frustrating, humiliating, and scary.  But I'm sober."


Yeah...  I'm back to day 1 of my diet again.  I cannot tell you how many times I have started diets and failed. (And no, I don't want/need to hear about changing my lifestyle instead of dieting, and blah, blah, blah).  I cannot tell you how frustrated, angry, even scared I have been with my life- with the excess weight.  I have read so much that I could likely tell you everything you need to (or would want to) know about losing weight.  I have the head knowledge of how to lose the weight, but the application is quite lacking.


My issue  stems from a much deeper root issue.  I believe that I am addicted to food- or maybe that I use it as a crutch.  When I'm tired, I eat.  When I'm mad, I eat.  When I'm happy and celebrating, I eat.  And sometimes I just eat to eat.  I like food.  Scratch that.  I love food.  I wonder if that's the way an alcoholic feels.  "When I'm happy, I drink.  When I'm angry, I drink... and I drink just to drink.  I love alcohol."  


So maybe the alcoholic and I aren't so very different.  The effects of over eating or, at this point, of choosing not to lose the weight could be just as deadly as an alcoholic who chooses not to stop drinking.

No, this isn't me- but it could easily become me.  So why don't I just go for it?  I do.  I have.  I will.  But at some point, I either give in to temptation or I stumble... and then I find myself right back here again.  right back to Day 1.  I hate that I feel like I'm just going to fail. I mean, that's been my pattern, right?  The Hottie has seen it, my kids have seen it, anyone who knows me even remotely has seen it.  I always start out with such passion, such fervor and then I let them down, or I let me down- which is it?  Likely both.


So for now I won't say "I'm on a diet... again!" I'll just say- today is day 1.  And tomorrow, after not quitting, or giving up, I'll say "Today was day 2."


I know I won't spend my entire life on a diet.  I truly believe that at some point I will reach my goals and will be in the maintenance phase.  Until then- it's not easy being married to the Hottie (with his negative body fat) and having 4 little stick people who can eat all they want and not gain.  It's not easy having friends who can eat entire pizzas and not gain an ounce- when I look at the same pizza and gain ten pounds.  It's not easy, but I know this life isn't easy.  And up until now, I have lived to satisfy my own selfish desires.  But that's not why God put me here.  He put me here to honor Him- to bring him honor and glory, and to "be an example for the other believers in speech and in life."  (just so happens to be my children's memory verse right now).


I want that to be my motivation- to honor Him.  1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."  I heard once that knowledge applied is wisdom in action and knowledge not applied is equally foolishness.  I have the knowledge. I have the truth right in front of me.  I don't want to be a fool.  In my heart I want to honor God, so I commit- whatever I do- whether it be eating or drinking, one day at a time, I want to honor God.


I know the road is long.  I brought myself to this point- no one else did it.  I didn't gain all of this weight simply from having children (but seriously...  they DID contribute... that, and the french toast I HAD to eat while pregnant).  None-the-less, I am here to fulfill a purpose and I can either work toward fulfilling that purpose, or away from it.  I choose toward.


So if I mess up (and there's a strong possibility that I will), I'll get back up on the horse, and knowing that I'm moving closer to my goal, I won't be ashamed to say again "Today is Day 1."


*Sidenote- this was written yesterday.  Today is, successfully, Day 2.


No Longer I,


The Real Life Mom