Tuesday, October 14, 2008


So I have a grandmother that is going through the "fun times" of dimensia. She literally has probably only 20% of her day where she is lucid (meaning where she actually knows what is going on). I called her a while ago and she had no idea who I was and then asked me if I was coming to the funeral (referring to her own funeral). I told her I would come and she said, in a happy sort of way, "Okay good honey, well I'll see you then. Love you!" And then she hung up the phone. I wonder who suffers more when a family member goes through dimensia. Is it the person who is ill- do they really duffer? I mean half the time they are in their favorite places with their favorite people- so are they really sufferring or is it the family? We are all selfish and want to keep her with us here on earth- all the while hurting deeply because this person on the other end of the phone is no longer my grandmother- this is some child that barely knows who I am and always tells me her granddaughter is on the way to visit.

Talk about difficult. On top of this, I have a special needs child- and we are not exactly sure what his special need is, or if it's just a combination of things, but whatever it is, it's getting more and more frustrating to be his mom.... sometimes. Other times I am filled with this overwhelming love and affection and adoration for this precious, hillarious creature that God has blessed me with.

My mind is a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, feelings. Perhaps I am hormonal or perhaps I am just not doing very well with the whole surrendering thing. All I know is I am overwhelmed- and what I mentioned here doesn't even scratch the surface of what is going on in my mind. What a day... I am going to run.

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