My Life On A Diet... Day 1 (again)

Yep.  I'm dieting again.  I love to diet.  (Note the thick, inlaid sarcasm in my tone).

I watched a show last week where one of the main characters is an alcoholic.  She has struggled with an addiction to alcohol off and on for a while.  In this latest episode, the character had been sober for 30 days and then in a moment of emotional weakness, she drank again.  The next morning she was in an AA meeting and said something that struck an emotional chord with me.  She said something to the effect of  "I'm humiliated.  I'm back to day 1.  I'm starting over from scratch and it's embarrassing, frustrating, humiliating, and scary.  But I'm sober."


Yeah...  I'm back to day 1 of my diet again.  I cannot tell you how many times I have started diets and failed. (And no, I don't want/need to hear about changing my lifestyle instead of dieting, and blah, blah, blah).  I cannot tell you how frustrated, angry, even scared I have been with my life- with the excess weight.  I have read so much that I could likely tell you everything you need to (or would want to) know about losing weight.  I have the head knowledge of how to lose the weight, but the application is quite lacking.


My issue  stems from a much deeper root issue.  I believe that I am addicted to food- or maybe that I use it as a crutch.  When I'm tired, I eat.  When I'm mad, I eat.  When I'm happy and celebrating, I eat.  And sometimes I just eat to eat.  I like food.  Scratch that.  I love food.  I wonder if that's the way an alcoholic feels.  "When I'm happy, I drink.  When I'm angry, I drink... and I drink just to drink.  I love alcohol."  


So maybe the alcoholic and I aren't so very different.  The effects of over eating or, at this point, of choosing not to lose the weight could be just as deadly as an alcoholic who chooses not to stop drinking.

No, this isn't me- but it could easily become me.  So why don't I just go for it?  I do.  I have.  I will.  But at some point, I either give in to temptation or I stumble... and then I find myself right back here again.  right back to Day 1.  I hate that I feel like I'm just going to fail. I mean, that's been my pattern, right?  The Hottie has seen it, my kids have seen it, anyone who knows me even remotely has seen it.  I always start out with such passion, such fervor and then I let them down, or I let me down- which is it?  Likely both.


So for now I won't say "I'm on a diet... again!" I'll just say- today is day 1.  And tomorrow, after not quitting, or giving up, I'll say "Today was day 2."


I know I won't spend my entire life on a diet.  I truly believe that at some point I will reach my goals and will be in the maintenance phase.  Until then- it's not easy being married to the Hottie (with his negative body fat) and having 4 little stick people who can eat all they want and not gain.  It's not easy having friends who can eat entire pizzas and not gain an ounce- when I look at the same pizza and gain ten pounds.  It's not easy, but I know this life isn't easy.  And up until now, I have lived to satisfy my own selfish desires.  But that's not why God put me here.  He put me here to honor Him- to bring him honor and glory, and to "be an example for the other believers in speech and in life."  (just so happens to be my children's memory verse right now).


I want that to be my motivation- to honor Him.  1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."  I heard once that knowledge applied is wisdom in action and knowledge not applied is equally foolishness.  I have the knowledge. I have the truth right in front of me.  I don't want to be a fool.  In my heart I want to honor God, so I commit- whatever I do- whether it be eating or drinking, one day at a time, I want to honor God.


I know the road is long.  I brought myself to this point- no one else did it.  I didn't gain all of this weight simply from having children (but seriously...  they DID contribute... that, and the french toast I HAD to eat while pregnant).  None-the-less, I am here to fulfill a purpose and I can either work toward fulfilling that purpose, or away from it.  I choose toward.


So if I mess up (and there's a strong possibility that I will), I'll get back up on the horse, and knowing that I'm moving closer to my goal, I won't be ashamed to say again "Today is Day 1."


*Sidenote- this was written yesterday.  Today is, successfully, Day 2.


No Longer I,


The Real Life Mom

The Legacy She Left

Funerals.  I'm not so great with the whole idea of a funeral.  I'd much prefer for my life to end with a bang- like a huge party in honor of the life I lived- not a group of people all wearing black, crying that I'm gone.  I want there to be a rule at my memorial service, that everyone has to wear a bright color.  I love to make people smile and somehow I just don't get the feeling that black encourages a great deal of smiling (unless I'm trying on clothes in the fitting room and it's between the white shirt that "fatters" or the black shirt that "flatters"- in which case, the black would definitely encourage a smile.  But I digress... yet again.

So yesterday was my grandmother's funeral.  I loved how we had several photos at the funeral. Some were of my grandmother by herself, but most of the pictures had my grandmother with my papa.  When I got the news a week ago that she had passed away, though it was no surprise, I wept uncontrollably for about 45 minutes.  At the end of that 45 minutes, I felt the prayers of my friends as a peace filled me- that peace that you cannot explain...  And in my mind, I saw a picture that made me smile.  I saw my grandmother reunited with my papa (who had passed away almost nine years ago).  And almost as if it were really happening, I saw them dancing, as I had seen so many times growing up.  

At the funeral, I shared the stories of my grandparents.  I loved their relationship- the way they played, the way they laughed.  I loved the way they danced together and always seemed to know what the other was thinking.  They truly were soul mates and best friends.  They had a love like you don't see a lot these days.  Their love was a love refined- a love that has likely been tested through the fire and had come out on the other side, purer and stronger than ever before.  When you were around them, you nearly could not help but smile. There was something super natural, something precious about their relationship.  

And as I sat listening to some of these stories during the funeral, I couldn't help but think- that kind of love- that's the legacy I want to leave for my children... and their children...  That's the kind of friendship and deep relationship I want to have with my husband.  That's the kind of love that is so much greater than anything we mere humans can produce on our own.  It's the love that comes from God.  

During the funeral, I remembered how every morning, my grandmother would wake up and spend time with The Lord.  She would read her Bible and spend time in prayer.  I didn't always see her doing this, but I always saw fruit- the kind that cannot be produced in your own strength.  The fruit that comes from knowing God intimately.  She loved my grandfather- not in her own strength- but with the love that overflowed out of her relationship with the Lord (which was so much greater than any love she could ever have given my papa on her own). She was wise and gracious and patient.  She was kind and gentle and so very good.  She was a woman after God's own heart and she was a blessing to so many.  

After the testimonies about my grandmother, her pastor read from Proverbs 31 and the scripture perfectly described my grandmother.  Tears came to my eyes as I listened to him speak truth after truth about this precious woman that we had all been so blessed to know. And so I left the funeral filled with joy as I thought about my grandmother's wonderful life, fruit, and love- God's love...  

I'll miss you here on Earth, Grandmother, but I look forward to dancing with you (and Papa) in Heaven.  Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me- and for loving me unconditionally.  But most of all, thank you for setting the standard in your 50+ years of marriage to Papa- showing us what it looks like to live a life fully surrendered to God.  I feel honored to have known you and blessed to have shared in the joy of your life.  You were truly THE quintessential Proverbs 31 woman and I hope to one day share in your legacy.  I love you... oh, so much.  Learning to live like you did...

No Longer I,

The real life mom... and grand daughter.

Goodbyes

Goodbyes are so very difficult.  I got some pretty hard news this afternoon.  This week will likely be my grandmother's last week here on Earth.  In some ways I'm excited for her to be able to leave this world and this body that had entrapped her.  I know she wants desperately to be with my grandfather- to whom she was happily married for 50+ years.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will join him in Heaven after she passes on, so that brings me peace..  But it's the selfish side of me that is hanging on to her here.

I LOVED my grandparents.  They set an amazing example of what marriage should look like.  They laughed together, they played together, they encouraged one another and they sought the Lord together..  They took a three mile walk together every morning and really had a good sense of what it meant to be in love and to really be one flesh.  My grandfather snored like a train so they slept in separate bedrooms, but even still, my grandmother served him, honored him, and loved him deeply.  He was an amazing man, and she was the perfect example of the wife I hope to become.

Not only did she know how to love my papa, but she also knew how to love my sister and I.  We were the only two grandchildren, so we may have been a little spoiled.  But I can remember when I would go to stay with her, she would hide a secret box of Oatmeal Cream Pies in her cabinet- just for me.  She would play with us and talk with us.  She encouraged me and taught me so much.  I knew when I was going through something difficult, that she would always (and did always) have a beautiful bit of wisdom to impart.

Sadly, as life often goes, my grandmother has been suffering with Alzheimer's and dementia for the past 5 years.  The past three years have been her rapid decline and she is to the point where she can no longer remember anyone- not even my father who visits her regularly.  I am so blessed as I was able to visit her a couple of weeks ago, on a whim.  She is in a home in Austin, and I stopped in to spend some time with her while I was in town.  While part of me thinks she did not know me, part of me thinks she remembered me- even if just for a brief moment- and I think she heard me when I told her goodbye.

When I walked in to her room, she was laying down in the bed.  She was about 2/3 of the size she had been at my last visit with her.  Her (normally perfect) hair was pulled back in a  pony tail and she was clearly not herself.  She didn't speak to me and gave me only a few blank stares, but I think somewhere in the back of hr mind, she was at peace with me being there.  I talked to her and told her all about our family.  I stroked her hair and held her hands.  Part of me wished I could stay there with her until she "woke up" out of this state, but I knew, deep down, that this visit would likely be the last time I ever got to see her.

As I kissed her forehead and hugged her tight, I prayed that she would hear my heart's cries while I bid her goodbye.  I prayed that she would know how very much she was loved and that she would be at peace to go home.  I see, now, that the Lord is good and has answered my prayers and I can only say thank you to Him for rescuing her from the chains which have bound her so tightly for so long.  I praise Him for bringing her peace and I will praise Him when he brings her home.  In the mean time, I might cry for a little while because deep down inside of me is that little girl who will always love her grandmother.

Our Place

I sing.  Have I ever told you this?  I love to sing... anything.  I've been known to belt out the Oscar Mayer tune when cooking chili dogs, or songs from the Little Mermaid when I'm making fish....  (that was wrong, I know...)  Anyway, I can remember when I was growing up, my mom was always on piano and my dad, sister, and I would always sing around the piano in harmonies with her.  Those were some of my favorite memories.

As I continued to grow and transform into young adulthood and my relationship with God started to transform, I was introduced to worship- real worship.  I was raised to sing in the church.  From infancy, I'm certain there was never a time when I wasn't singing or in a choir somewhere.  But singing then was just singing.  As I grew up and  learned about the relationship my creator wanted to have with me, I started to realize just how much I loved Him and how much I had to be thankful for.  And then it was born in me- a worshipful heart.

Words are a big part of my life.  They always have been.  Words can make or break my day.  They have the power of life and death.  So words, put to music (one of my most favorite things in the entire world) just sends my soul soaring!  That's where worship comes in.  Worship is one of my passions.  It takes "just music" and turns it in to a vertical connection with our creator.  Worship is the time when I feel like I can just be me- no facades, no masks- just me and my heart, connecting with the heart of God.  When I sing words like "How great thou art" and "I need you more" and "I wanna sit at your feet" I am automatically taken to that place- our place- mine and God's place.

In "our place", there's no housework or bills to pay.  When I'm in "our place", my imperfections seem to fade away and suddenly I remember who I am... whose I am.   When I'm in our place, I am free to relax, to love and to be loved- completely and freely.  I find forgiveness there.  I find mercy there.  I find strength, peace, mercy, and unconditional love there.  No matter what I've been through that week, no matter how much I may have messed up- when I go to our place, my blemishes are washed clean and I'm made whole.

It's almost enough to make me wonder- why do I ever leave our place?

Sing It! (Devotional written by Jeff Wells)

I LOVED this so much, I had to share it!  I definitely had no part in writing this, but I will have a part in sharing it.  This is one of my greatest passions!!!  :)  Thanks Jeff!

Sing It!

September 26, 2011

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;

let them ever sing for joy.

 Psalm 5:11a

 

When you are singing to God, singing is praying. Singing is part of our prayer life. Songs of joy, songs of praise, songs of love. God says to us, "Let them sing! Let them ever sing!"

It's rather surprising, in fact, how often the Psalms mention singing. Consider, for example, this flurry of verses beginning with Psalm 95:

Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;

let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.

Let us come before him with thanksgiving

and extol him with music and song.

Psalm 95:1-2

Sing to the Lord a new song;

sing to the Lord, all the earth.

Sing to the Lord, praise his Name;

proclaim his salvation day after day.

Psalm 96:1-2

Sing to the Lord a new song,

for he has done marvelous things.

Psalm 98:1a

Worship the Lord with gladness;

come before him with joyful songs.

Psalm 100:2

I will sing of your love and justice;

to you, O Lord, I will sing praise.

Psalm 101:1

That's a flurry! And there's more.

But why? Why all this emphasis on singing?

Music is powerful. Music is emotional. Music is passionate. Music so often is the language of love. At time mere words, music-less words, just won't do. We need to sing if we are going to adequately express the love and joy and exuberance we fell. Psalm 98 describes the heart that newly bursts with love and praise: Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music (98:4).

I love singing to God. I do it practically every day. And I can't sing worth a flip! But still, sing I do. I love it. And when we sing together, and the skilled musicians are playing and the praise singers are singing, and we are expressing the depths of our grace-filled hearts to God, and the presence of God fills the room, it just doesn't get much better. Our hearts are so full.

It's a gift. A gift from God. Songs of joy. Songs of love. Songs to Jesus.

© 2011 WoodsEdge Community Church. All rights reserved. This article may be reproduced for any non-commercial use.

Meet Jacob

I have this favorite face cream that I use.  Perhaps you've heard of it- Mary Kay's Emollient Cream.  I love this stuff!  It feels somewhat like petroleum, but thicker.  I use it on my hands and feet to soften rough edges and around my eyes to help keep (some of) the wrinkles at bay...  not sure how well that is working, but it's definitely worth the effort.

So anyway, yesterday as I was sitting down to write, I sat back for a few minutes to enjoy the serene- which was nap time in my house.  I drank from my cup of tea and breathed in the silence.  Shepherd had settled peacefully into rest and Jacob was fast asleep...  or so I thought.

About 20 minutes had elapsed before I got up to get a book.  As I entered my room, I noticed a very familiar aroma calling me from my bathroom.  I slowly turned the corner into my bathroom (eyes wide open, and music from Psycho playing in my head), only to find Jacob COVERED in my Mary Kay Emollient Cream.  That was the very distinct smell that had called me in there.  And then I noticed what all Jacob had done with this cream.  He painted me a picture in my bathtub, in the sink, on my favorite white shirt of his(the cream is pink... and petroleum), and finally, as I turned one more corner, I saw the toilet... filled with the final drippings from my nearly new tube of Mary Kay Emollient Cream.

Meet Jacob.  The same little turkey who colored all over the wall and floor in our old house.. . with a permanent marker.  the same turkey who thinks that "no" is an opportunity to negotiate.

Anyway, every day at our house, nap time is the same.  We don't typically stray from this routine because it has been working so well, for so long.  The scene normally looks like this:  I lay Jacob down, I kiss and hug him, and he rolls over and lays there until he falls asleep.  It's not difficult or even anything extraordinary.  It's just the way nap time is... until yesterday.

So then, a few moments ago, as I was cleaning the kitchen, I caught the (almost tattling) gaze of my sweet 13 month old, cotton-topped little Shepherd and quickly realized it had been at least three minutes since I'd heard Jacob playing with his toys on the living room floor.  So, once again, I made the trek in to my bathroom- where I smelled another distinctive smell.  This time it was starch.  The entire can of spray starch has now been emptied on to my bathroom floor and Jacob?  He's sitting in time out, watching me write.  I disciplined him and gave him books to read for a little while.  In my frustration, I heard myself say this to him:  "Jacob!  Why can't you just obey?"

The moral?  1- Child locks on the bedroom doors are priceless. And 2- I wonder how many times I've known what God expected of me and gone ahead with my own plans.  How many times have I walked in disobedience, expecting grace and forgiveness, forgetting about the consequences that lay ahead?  My choices may have been forgiven, but they still have consequences.

In the same way that I will always forgive and always love Jacob- no matter what he says or does, no matter how many bottles of face cream or starch he empties- no matter how far away from me he runs, I know that God will always forgive me, always love me, and always be there for me to run to.  But even so, as I was disciplining Jacob, I realized that yes, my plan for Jacob to obey is the best possible plan for him.  I know what is best for him right now because I am his mother and can see things that he cannot see at his young age.  Likewise, our Heavenly father sees the bigger picture in our lives and knows what is best for us right now.

If I tell him to lay down and rest and he does not, it won't kill him, but it definitely makes things more difficult on him (and the rest of the family) later in the evening.  And when God tells me to wait on Him and I choose not to, it likely will not kill me, but it could definitely make things harder on me or my family in the long run.  Knowing this, I wondered how many times God looked at me and thought "Why can't you just obey?  Just obey and trust that I know, ultimately, what is best for you. Just... obey."

Just a thought to ponder as you finish your morning cup of Joe.  I have more thoughts on this but I'm off to play with the little man...  Jacob. Because he's served his time in time out and now it's mommy time!

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Living in the Spirit- By Jeff Wells (9/11/11)

I normally wouldn't put audio pod casts in here, but this was Sunday's message from my church.  Click to listen- you absolutely will not regret it!  :)

http://www.woodsedge.org/media/index.php?id=348&a=listen

Thursday.

Thursday.  Also known as the day after tomorrow.  Thursday will be the first time I get to speak in public since college.  In some ways, I don't feel ready, but I already know God has called me to this time, so I fully expect Him to show up and calm my nerves, fully equipping me before then.  A few years ago I felt like God was calling me to teach and to write this book- to be entitled NO LONGER I.  I don't know why I felt like He wanted me to write- I mean, I have to use spelling (and grammar) checks to send an e-mail- but none-the-less, I have pressed on.  I have written in and out of seasons- both good and bad; taking breaks for babies, big kids, the Hottie, and just life in general.  I've had many ideas- some good... many not-so-good.

Through it all, I've watched God transform my thought life, almost completely.  He's no where close to being done with me, but compared to who I once was, I'd say "We've come a long way, baby!"  I'm still wildly flawed and I still feel unusable, but The Lord is working in my life and I can't wait to see where I am at the end of this next season.  

In the mean time, I'd simply like to ask for your prayers.  Last night I started feeling pretty sick and this morning it was still hanging around.  (No people, I'm absolutely 100% NOT pregnant).  It's not that kind of sick.  It's more like a cold or bronchitis- something of the like.  But none-the-less, I have very little voice.  I, personally, would be okay with laying in bed all week, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has other plans, so please pray that whatever this is would be gone- along with my nerves and feelings of doubt.  

Half of me is super giddy- like a kid on Christmas morning.  The other half of me is fighting off the lies that the enemy keeps telling me like: "You're not ready."  "This won't be any good- don't waste your time."  "No one's going to show up- this is a joke.", and "You're not funny or knowledgeable enough."  But I know in my heart that God has given me a word to share and that's exactly what I'm claiming.  So I'm standing in His name, declaring that those lies have no place here and that I will be healed in time for Thursday morning.  

Thanks for praying (and for your continued support)!  

No longer believing the lies, 

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

Be Still.

As I'm sitting here, thinking about the eerie quiet that has overtaken my house, I'm kindly reminded that, yes- at the end of every day, they do crash.  And yes, what is left over is a house full of laundry, toys, and dishes to be put away... in that order.  There is a stockpile of junk accumulating at the top of my stairs shouting out to me "Organize me!"  But instead I'm writing to you fun people.

I have found freedom in blogging- something has been unleashed in me and I'm quite enjoying it.  It's a freedom to say what I'm feeling, what I'm struggling with, in my own format (kind of like Facebook, but not limited to 450 characters... though some might wish it was).

And tonight's thought is simple- be still.  Yes, I have a to-do list that is longer than Santa's gift list.  Yes, I have lunches to prepare and miles to cross on the treadmill.  Yes there are 4 loads of clean laundry that will likely get dirty again before they are put away... but I keep feeling this nagging from God to say "be still".  So I have turned off the incessant background noise- the movies, Pandora radio, and everything else that I typically use to fill the evening void.  I've checked and re-checked to ensure they are truly asleep, not just playing opossum until I get settled.  The Hottie is at school and I am here, alone in the quiet... doing my best to not listen to the OCD that fills my head, telling me to get up and get busy.  So tonight, it's simple.  Be still.  Make time to listen, rather than talking to God.  Make time to enjoy Him and His presence.

One of my favorite "chick" songs is this:  The More I Seek You  Click.  Listen.  Un-busy yourself and just rest tonight, in Him.

No Longer Busy, no longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

NO LONGER I- the study! Coming this fall to a church near you!

So, starting in two weeks, I will be teaching a ladies' Bible study at my church.  The study will take place every Thursday morning from 9:00-11:30, with content derived from my life and from this blog.  I know some of you go to my church, while others of you aren't even in the U.S., but I wanted to give you all this information in case you are local and would like to attend.  The cost is $25.  The study I will be teaching is my own, entitled NO LONGER I.

For more information, or to register, please visit:  http://www.woodsedge.org/adults_ministry.php?id=32&tab=61

This is a little blurb I've written about what I will be teaching.

"No Longer I -- Galatians 2:20-21 says "For I have been crucified with Christ and it's no longer I that lives but Christ who lives within me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the son of God who loves me and gave himself for me." Join us this fall as we walk through the scriptures, learning what it means to be Crucified with Christ. We will learn what it means to lay self aside and let Christ live and love through us. We'll discuss practical applications as we work towards becoming the wives, the mothers, the daughters, the sisters, the friends.... the women that God created us to be."


Let me preface the study by saying this- I am no expert.  I am about as far from perfect as one can get.  I've messed up royally time and time again, but I've learned much and am still learning every day.  I know that God is using my story and the stories of those just like me to encourage, teach, and bring hope to others.  I am not a know-it-all (though it may seem this way).  I am just an ordinary girl who is extraordinarily loved by her creator and loves to share this with others so that they, too can experience this!  


I hope you'll join me this fall as we walk through this journey towards living a life crucified with Christ- learning to live, to love in His strength.  


No longer afraid of my calling, 


No longer I,


The Real Life Mom

Postpartum Depression... and friends who fold your underwear.

So I've told you about my depression.  It started out as postpartum and just never really went away.  So while I'm looking around at a house full of random stuff, I'm anxious on the inside because I don't have the energy (or the time) or emotional capacity to get it all done (and my brain is at odds with my body because I also wrestle with OCD). In fact, sometimes I just get emotional because the old me could conquer this mess in no time- and still have energy to spare.

As it is right now, I can clean all day, literally, and at the end of the day it sometimes looks worse than before.  But I also know that's the life of a mom with so many active, young children.  In keeping with the warrior spirit, I have made it a point to fight back against my constant, nagging desire to sit and stare at the wall or go to sleep.  In fact when I'd much rather put the kids in bed early and find my way to my own comfy pillow, or  clean, I've chosen to sit and read a little longer with them or play a little more with them. I want them to feel loved and not second in line to a clean house or to mommy's depression.

So anyway, I have this new friend... who feels nothing like a new friend.  In fact, she feels like someone I've known my entire life.  It's crazy that in the couple of months we have been acquainted, we've gotten uber close- likely because neither of us has anything better to do than to text when the kids are in bed... just sayin'. But this friend has invested time and energy into me- like diggin deep to find out about what makes me tick, and what makes me feel loved and encouraged.  She has been a true God-send in my time of need.

So any how, yesterday she came over to my house... to help fold laundry.  Seriously.  Six loads of miscellaneous laundry and she dove right in, laughing all the way.  So I thought for sure since she had helped with me that, I'd be able to clean my house, but I wasn't.  I cooked tonight's dinner last night, then cleaned the kitchen and other miscellaneous things until the hottie came home from school (at 11:00).  Then I stayed up with him so that he wouldn't doze off while trying to finish his school work. (That's right... I'm workin' the brownie points.)  But then as I finally closed my eyes at 1:00 this morning, it felt like fifteen minutes of sleep and drool before my alarm went off at 6:15 this morning... and at this point, I may or may not have let out a wordy dird.

But in typical "Christi" fashion, I decided today I would conquer this never ending (and honestly, unrealistic) to-do list.  I thought I could somehow will myself to have energy.... but clearly my brain had other plans.  I tried to get motivated and I started working this morning- while trying to wrestle a cranky one-year-old and a needy three-year-old.  I realized quickly that work was not going to get done in that moment and put Shepherd down for nap and retreated to read with Jacob.  In no time, I was back in zombie mode.  Jacob was busy "reading" and I tried to make myself get up and get busy, but all I could do was stare... and there might have been drooling in there at some point.

After this, I cried because I felt hopeless.  I want to be a warrior myself, but during a wonderful quiet time the other day, I asked the Lord to give me some verses.  This was one that stuck out to me:  "The best army cannot save a king.  Nor is great strength enough to save a warrior." Psalm 33:16  My take away was that just because I am strong doesn't mean I can conquer it all.  I need to depend on the Lord for strength to get through this depression (NO LONGER I).  During a quiet time about a month and a half ago, I felt like God was saying this to me "Nothing to wake you up.  Nothing to put you to sleep.  Press in to me- for I am all you need."

So I cried out to Him and asked him to send me some help... a prayer which I received the answer to in the form of a friend with way too much free time. :)  I'm kidding. She texted tonight and asked if she could come over tomorrow and help me knock out this to-do list, once and for all.  She said "I figure if we are going to do life together, we should actually do life together."  Ah, what a wise woman!  Whereas I like to offer help to others, and not necessarily receive it myself, I think I am in a new season- learning to accept and appreciate when a friend chips in to help with the kids or the laundry.  I mean- heck!  Only the good ones will fold your tidy whities and still love you at the end of the day!

So here's to the new friends, and the old friends.  Here's to doing life together and encouraging one another.  Here's to fighting off depression- together- and giving the Lord victory.  Thanks for praying!

No longer I,

The real life (really depressed, but amazingly hopeful) mom.

Meet My Papa

Meet my Papa.  Jim Nash.

Today would have been his 91st birthday.  This man is one of the most amazing men I have ever met.  He deeply loved the Lord, passionately loved his wife.  He loved his two sons and his two granddaughters more than life itself.  He was such a passionate man (yes, I know this apple didn't fall far from the tree).  All in all, when he passed away almost nine years ago, he left an amazing legacy.

For instance- he knew how to love.  I would walk in to the kitchen where he was sitting doing a crossword or playing solitaire.  He would stand up from his card game, wrap me up in his arms, and whisk me around the kitchen, dancing to whatever tune was forever playing in his head.  Then my grandmother would be cooking and after nearly fifty years of marriage, he would walk behind her and affectionately pat her on the back side, causing a little giggle from her.  He would sit with me at the table and teach me card and domino games... he even taught me how to talk smack.  (Because, yes, awesomeness does run in our family).  He taught me how to garden, how to drive a riding lawnmower- and loved on me when I wrecked it in his garage. In this, he taught me forgiveness and unconditional love.

He disciplined me when I was stubborn and encouraged me as I grew.  He made me laugh and comforted my tears.  He showed me the joy in eating a peach picked fresh from the tree in his driveway and honey fresh from his bee hive.  He taught me how to pick strawberries off of the bushes growing in his yard and then enjoyed time with me as we sliced them over some fresh Blue Bell on a hot summer day.

He was so funny, so smart, so genuine.  I'll never forget his laugh or his smile.  I'll never forget the way he loved my grandmother and the Dallas Cowboys... almost equally.  In fact, the only time I ever heard him use and wordy dird was when he was watching the Cowboys lose to someone... those days were sad days in the Nash household.  In fact, I'm pretty sure if he were still alive today he'd have a few choice words for the boys... but I digress.

He was a beautiful man.  He was always reading, always studying the Word... or playing cards.  Every year when August 25 rolls around, I get a little sentimental as I think of this man and the life he lived.  I truly believe that the world was a better place because he was in it.  I truly believe my life is better because he was in it.  I wish you all could have known him and caught a glimpse of what we were so blessed to have.

My heart misses him, but at the same time, is comforted knowing he is so very much better off than he would have been on this earth.  He is with God and one day, I'm sure we will meet again where he can wrap me up in his arms and spin me around to whatever tune is then playing in his head.  Until then, I'll continue to be a part of the legacy he left.  I love you, Papa.  I hope I've made you proud.  Happy birthday!

A WARRIOR

Nine years.  Nine years ago I walked down the aisle towards my best friend- the man who would forever change the woman I was to become.  Nine years ago I was a scared kid, walking into what I thought was going to be my happily ever after.  I thought marriage was all fun and games, but I had so many lessons to learn.  I had so far to grow.  So this year for our nine year anniversary, we were exhausted and wanted to relax, so we went to see Harry Potter- yes, the newest one.  Don't judge.  It wasn't half bad.  Whereas I typically have not enjoyed the rest of the HP movies, I kind of liked this one- not for any specific HP reasons.  I liked it because I felt like I gathered some really cool blogging material from it... and yet, somehow I have only blogged once in the past month.

No, I haven't been off on some amazing summer vacation.  And no, I haven't forgotten about the blog.  Actually, it's been quite the contrary.  We've been on a huge roller coaster in our home for a while now so I have taken a much-needed break to focus on my family.  That, and I honestly have just been overwhelmed.  I felt like I was in deep, way too deep.  With Kyle in school full time and me practically becoming a single mom while he is gone, I found myself deep in depression.  I was on a medication to help with the depression, but for me this only made the problem so much worse.  I became a zombie almost over night and I couldn't function, so I stopped taking the medicine.

So that means that for the past month, with no medicine, I have been battling this depression alone.  I know what I should have done was reach out and ask for prayer, but my vision was already too clouded and the enemy had blinders set up to keep me from seeing the truth of what God wanted me to see.  Oddly enough, during the course of the past month, while the enemy has covered my home with his attack, the Lord has been so faithful to protect the hearts of my children and my husband.  He has sustained all of us through what could have been a devastating season ending in divorce and destruction.

For this, I praise Him.  But the season is not over.  I know God is still working and thus, the enemy is working equally as hard to try to prevent me from seeing God during this time.  I realized that during these last months, while my two oldest children were at home, I had limited quiet times (time to read, time to pray, time to just be still).  There were days when I had no quiet time at all.  And trust me- on those days, EVERYONE knew it.  I had no self control.  I screamed at my kids, I disrespected Kyle, I was generally a joy-less woman.  In this, I had given the enemy victory.  But praise God that those blinders have been removed.

*sidenote- is it weird that i feel like singing "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.  I can see all obstacles in my way." CLICK HERE for the full song.  I digress... yet again.

Anyway, those of you who have not seen the most recent HP movie need to know this is a spoiler, so don't read on if you don't want to know what happens.

***SPOILER ALERT***

There is a scene during the movie where Voldemort's army is moving in on Hogwarts School (where all of the main characters are located).  So the elders go to the perimeters surrounding the school and they cast a unified spell.  Their spell creates a dome of protection that will kill Voldemort's forces if they try to cross the boundary created by the spell.  Then there are also soldiers made of stone that are protecting the wizards inside.  It's a really powerful scene if your mind works like mine.

While watching this scene, I cried.  Seriously.  During a Harry Potter movie I cried.  I know- it's okay to judge me now.  I wasn't thinking about the movie in terms of Harry Potter.  I was thinking in terms of real life. That scene struck me because I felt as though, unlike the elders in that movie, I was not prepared for battle- for war.  I was ignorant in trying to defend myself against this invisible enemy.  I didn't strap on the sword of the spirit or any of the rest of the full armor of God (CLICK HERE TO READ THE VERSES ON THIS).

What was happening in my mind was not even a small battle- it was a full on war and I was losing because I was fighting this battle alone.  Isn't that what this blog is supposed to be about??  NOT walking in my own strength, but really finding power walking through life in HIS strength?!?  Clearly I allowed one too many distractions to come into my life and to thwart my thinking.  I was not responsible for my thought life which really sent me on a downward spiral.

So while I was watching this Harry Potter- it hit me like a bolt of lightning- I need to be preparing for war.  I know it's a constant, ongoing thing in my mind, but when I get comfortable, I let my guard down.  This is when the enemy rushes in.  1 Peter 5:8-9 says this: "⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."  


Ladies and gentlemen, there it is.  In black and white.  1- I'm not alone.  I'm NOT alone!!!  "the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."  2- I NEED to stand my guard and strap on this armor because we have seen the effects of what can happen when we don't.  He is a lion and we are his prey.  My marriage is his prey.  My mind is his prey.  My children...  they are his prey.

I met a woman the other day at the gym who referred to me as a warrior.  I mean, clearly she must have seen me working out, right?  (mental image in the moment = XENA, warrior princess- thanks to ADD.)  Actually, she was referring to me as a woman of God. But I haven't felt very much like a warrior.  I have felt more like a failure and have somehow lost my sense of purpose, of direction.

But, I'm back.  No more sitting idly by, watching the enemy take control over my household, my marriage, and my children.  I am taking back control and putting it back in God's hands.  Kyle and I almost separated during these past couple of months, but we have recommitted to one another and to God and let me say this- this warrior is in it to win it.  I don't have any magic spells to cast a dome of protection around our home, but I do have prayer and the rest of the armor of God- and that is ever-so-much more powerful than any silly "magician" could ever imagine.  So here's to nine more years and then nine more and nine more and however many more the Lord has for us!



No longer fighting on my own.  No longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

Behold, The Power of Words

So I got a card in the mail today.  It's about 5 days early, but when I saw the card, my inner 6-year-old jumped for joy, for I recognized the handwriting on the outside of the card.  It was that same handwriting that I had tried so hard to forge in the third grade... unsuccessfully, I might add.  It was the handwriting of my beloved mother.  And the card wasn't just any card.  It was my birthday card.  Yes, folks, I will be a whopping 29 this year... again... for the third time.  :)  Too bad my kids know my true age (and broadcast it EVERYWHERE), or I might try to stay 29 until it's time to turn 39 repetitively.

Anyway, I have been having one of those days... one of those months, really.  It's just been kind of a difficult season for me.  So naturally, I've been having to battle the war in my mind.  And today was one of those days where I was inches from tears when the kids brought the mail to me.  On some levels I've felt like a failure and on some levels, I feel undefined and unaccomplished and just... blah!  (I love that my vocabulary is so large at midnight)

So I expected some kind of cutesy-tootsie card from my mom- because that's just how she is.  They usually make me laugh or make me smile, but it takes a lot to reach my core and affect me the way this card did.  When I opened up my card, I read this:  "I see a young lady out in the world, following her dreams, doing good, and making a difference.  Then I think, Hey, that's my kid. (open card) That's my pride and joy.  Happy birthday to a daughter who's so inspiring.  And loved."  

So clearly my love languages are changing...  words of affirmation is moving on up the list.  This card affected me deeply.  All of those feelings of worthlessness, of doubt that I'm making any kind of a difference, of frustration with my life... all of them are gone.  I feel affirmed. I feel valued.  I feel loved.  And I don't share this for any other reason except to say- next time you think a friend or loved one needs to hear from you...  send them a text, drop them an e-mail (or, Heaven forbid, a hand-written card) and let them know how much you appreciate them.  You never know how much a single sentence can dramatically change the course of one's day.  

So, thanks mom.  Thanks for helping to make this birthday (this 29+th birthday) so special.  Thank you for reaching out to me with these words and encouraging me.  You are a blessing, and you are loved.

No Longer I,

The Real Life (young) Mom