Be Still.

As I'm sitting here, thinking about the eerie quiet that has overtaken my house, I'm kindly reminded that, yes- at the end of every day, they do crash.  And yes, what is left over is a house full of laundry, toys, and dishes to be put away... in that order.  There is a stockpile of junk accumulating at the top of my stairs shouting out to me "Organize me!"  But instead I'm writing to you fun people.

I have found freedom in blogging- something has been unleashed in me and I'm quite enjoying it.  It's a freedom to say what I'm feeling, what I'm struggling with, in my own format (kind of like Facebook, but not limited to 450 characters... though some might wish it was).

And tonight's thought is simple- be still.  Yes, I have a to-do list that is longer than Santa's gift list.  Yes, I have lunches to prepare and miles to cross on the treadmill.  Yes there are 4 loads of clean laundry that will likely get dirty again before they are put away... but I keep feeling this nagging from God to say "be still".  So I have turned off the incessant background noise- the movies, Pandora radio, and everything else that I typically use to fill the evening void.  I've checked and re-checked to ensure they are truly asleep, not just playing opossum until I get settled.  The Hottie is at school and I am here, alone in the quiet... doing my best to not listen to the OCD that fills my head, telling me to get up and get busy.  So tonight, it's simple.  Be still.  Make time to listen, rather than talking to God.  Make time to enjoy Him and His presence.

One of my favorite "chick" songs is this:  The More I Seek You  Click.  Listen.  Un-busy yourself and just rest tonight, in Him.

No Longer Busy, no longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

NO LONGER I- the study! Coming this fall to a church near you!

So, starting in two weeks, I will be teaching a ladies' Bible study at my church.  The study will take place every Thursday morning from 9:00-11:30, with content derived from my life and from this blog.  I know some of you go to my church, while others of you aren't even in the U.S., but I wanted to give you all this information in case you are local and would like to attend.  The cost is $25.  The study I will be teaching is my own, entitled NO LONGER I.

For more information, or to register, please visit:  http://www.woodsedge.org/adults_ministry.php?id=32&tab=61

This is a little blurb I've written about what I will be teaching.

"No Longer I -- Galatians 2:20-21 says "For I have been crucified with Christ and it's no longer I that lives but Christ who lives within me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the son of God who loves me and gave himself for me." Join us this fall as we walk through the scriptures, learning what it means to be Crucified with Christ. We will learn what it means to lay self aside and let Christ live and love through us. We'll discuss practical applications as we work towards becoming the wives, the mothers, the daughters, the sisters, the friends.... the women that God created us to be."


Let me preface the study by saying this- I am no expert.  I am about as far from perfect as one can get.  I've messed up royally time and time again, but I've learned much and am still learning every day.  I know that God is using my story and the stories of those just like me to encourage, teach, and bring hope to others.  I am not a know-it-all (though it may seem this way).  I am just an ordinary girl who is extraordinarily loved by her creator and loves to share this with others so that they, too can experience this!  


I hope you'll join me this fall as we walk through this journey towards living a life crucified with Christ- learning to live, to love in His strength.  


No longer afraid of my calling, 


No longer I,


The Real Life Mom

Postpartum Depression... and friends who fold your underwear.

So I've told you about my depression.  It started out as postpartum and just never really went away.  So while I'm looking around at a house full of random stuff, I'm anxious on the inside because I don't have the energy (or the time) or emotional capacity to get it all done (and my brain is at odds with my body because I also wrestle with OCD). In fact, sometimes I just get emotional because the old me could conquer this mess in no time- and still have energy to spare.

As it is right now, I can clean all day, literally, and at the end of the day it sometimes looks worse than before.  But I also know that's the life of a mom with so many active, young children.  In keeping with the warrior spirit, I have made it a point to fight back against my constant, nagging desire to sit and stare at the wall or go to sleep.  In fact when I'd much rather put the kids in bed early and find my way to my own comfy pillow, or  clean, I've chosen to sit and read a little longer with them or play a little more with them. I want them to feel loved and not second in line to a clean house or to mommy's depression.

So anyway, I have this new friend... who feels nothing like a new friend.  In fact, she feels like someone I've known my entire life.  It's crazy that in the couple of months we have been acquainted, we've gotten uber close- likely because neither of us has anything better to do than to text when the kids are in bed... just sayin'. But this friend has invested time and energy into me- like diggin deep to find out about what makes me tick, and what makes me feel loved and encouraged.  She has been a true God-send in my time of need.

So any how, yesterday she came over to my house... to help fold laundry.  Seriously.  Six loads of miscellaneous laundry and she dove right in, laughing all the way.  So I thought for sure since she had helped with me that, I'd be able to clean my house, but I wasn't.  I cooked tonight's dinner last night, then cleaned the kitchen and other miscellaneous things until the hottie came home from school (at 11:00).  Then I stayed up with him so that he wouldn't doze off while trying to finish his school work. (That's right... I'm workin' the brownie points.)  But then as I finally closed my eyes at 1:00 this morning, it felt like fifteen minutes of sleep and drool before my alarm went off at 6:15 this morning... and at this point, I may or may not have let out a wordy dird.

But in typical "Christi" fashion, I decided today I would conquer this never ending (and honestly, unrealistic) to-do list.  I thought I could somehow will myself to have energy.... but clearly my brain had other plans.  I tried to get motivated and I started working this morning- while trying to wrestle a cranky one-year-old and a needy three-year-old.  I realized quickly that work was not going to get done in that moment and put Shepherd down for nap and retreated to read with Jacob.  In no time, I was back in zombie mode.  Jacob was busy "reading" and I tried to make myself get up and get busy, but all I could do was stare... and there might have been drooling in there at some point.

After this, I cried because I felt hopeless.  I want to be a warrior myself, but during a wonderful quiet time the other day, I asked the Lord to give me some verses.  This was one that stuck out to me:  "The best army cannot save a king.  Nor is great strength enough to save a warrior." Psalm 33:16  My take away was that just because I am strong doesn't mean I can conquer it all.  I need to depend on the Lord for strength to get through this depression (NO LONGER I).  During a quiet time about a month and a half ago, I felt like God was saying this to me "Nothing to wake you up.  Nothing to put you to sleep.  Press in to me- for I am all you need."

So I cried out to Him and asked him to send me some help... a prayer which I received the answer to in the form of a friend with way too much free time. :)  I'm kidding. She texted tonight and asked if she could come over tomorrow and help me knock out this to-do list, once and for all.  She said "I figure if we are going to do life together, we should actually do life together."  Ah, what a wise woman!  Whereas I like to offer help to others, and not necessarily receive it myself, I think I am in a new season- learning to accept and appreciate when a friend chips in to help with the kids or the laundry.  I mean- heck!  Only the good ones will fold your tidy whities and still love you at the end of the day!

So here's to the new friends, and the old friends.  Here's to doing life together and encouraging one another.  Here's to fighting off depression- together- and giving the Lord victory.  Thanks for praying!

No longer I,

The real life (really depressed, but amazingly hopeful) mom.

Meet My Papa

Meet my Papa.  Jim Nash.

Today would have been his 91st birthday.  This man is one of the most amazing men I have ever met.  He deeply loved the Lord, passionately loved his wife.  He loved his two sons and his two granddaughters more than life itself.  He was such a passionate man (yes, I know this apple didn't fall far from the tree).  All in all, when he passed away almost nine years ago, he left an amazing legacy.

For instance- he knew how to love.  I would walk in to the kitchen where he was sitting doing a crossword or playing solitaire.  He would stand up from his card game, wrap me up in his arms, and whisk me around the kitchen, dancing to whatever tune was forever playing in his head.  Then my grandmother would be cooking and after nearly fifty years of marriage, he would walk behind her and affectionately pat her on the back side, causing a little giggle from her.  He would sit with me at the table and teach me card and domino games... he even taught me how to talk smack.  (Because, yes, awesomeness does run in our family).  He taught me how to garden, how to drive a riding lawnmower- and loved on me when I wrecked it in his garage. In this, he taught me forgiveness and unconditional love.

He disciplined me when I was stubborn and encouraged me as I grew.  He made me laugh and comforted my tears.  He showed me the joy in eating a peach picked fresh from the tree in his driveway and honey fresh from his bee hive.  He taught me how to pick strawberries off of the bushes growing in his yard and then enjoyed time with me as we sliced them over some fresh Blue Bell on a hot summer day.

He was so funny, so smart, so genuine.  I'll never forget his laugh or his smile.  I'll never forget the way he loved my grandmother and the Dallas Cowboys... almost equally.  In fact, the only time I ever heard him use and wordy dird was when he was watching the Cowboys lose to someone... those days were sad days in the Nash household.  In fact, I'm pretty sure if he were still alive today he'd have a few choice words for the boys... but I digress.

He was a beautiful man.  He was always reading, always studying the Word... or playing cards.  Every year when August 25 rolls around, I get a little sentimental as I think of this man and the life he lived.  I truly believe that the world was a better place because he was in it.  I truly believe my life is better because he was in it.  I wish you all could have known him and caught a glimpse of what we were so blessed to have.

My heart misses him, but at the same time, is comforted knowing he is so very much better off than he would have been on this earth.  He is with God and one day, I'm sure we will meet again where he can wrap me up in his arms and spin me around to whatever tune is then playing in his head.  Until then, I'll continue to be a part of the legacy he left.  I love you, Papa.  I hope I've made you proud.  Happy birthday!

A WARRIOR

Nine years.  Nine years ago I walked down the aisle towards my best friend- the man who would forever change the woman I was to become.  Nine years ago I was a scared kid, walking into what I thought was going to be my happily ever after.  I thought marriage was all fun and games, but I had so many lessons to learn.  I had so far to grow.  So this year for our nine year anniversary, we were exhausted and wanted to relax, so we went to see Harry Potter- yes, the newest one.  Don't judge.  It wasn't half bad.  Whereas I typically have not enjoyed the rest of the HP movies, I kind of liked this one- not for any specific HP reasons.  I liked it because I felt like I gathered some really cool blogging material from it... and yet, somehow I have only blogged once in the past month.

No, I haven't been off on some amazing summer vacation.  And no, I haven't forgotten about the blog.  Actually, it's been quite the contrary.  We've been on a huge roller coaster in our home for a while now so I have taken a much-needed break to focus on my family.  That, and I honestly have just been overwhelmed.  I felt like I was in deep, way too deep.  With Kyle in school full time and me practically becoming a single mom while he is gone, I found myself deep in depression.  I was on a medication to help with the depression, but for me this only made the problem so much worse.  I became a zombie almost over night and I couldn't function, so I stopped taking the medicine.

So that means that for the past month, with no medicine, I have been battling this depression alone.  I know what I should have done was reach out and ask for prayer, but my vision was already too clouded and the enemy had blinders set up to keep me from seeing the truth of what God wanted me to see.  Oddly enough, during the course of the past month, while the enemy has covered my home with his attack, the Lord has been so faithful to protect the hearts of my children and my husband.  He has sustained all of us through what could have been a devastating season ending in divorce and destruction.

For this, I praise Him.  But the season is not over.  I know God is still working and thus, the enemy is working equally as hard to try to prevent me from seeing God during this time.  I realized that during these last months, while my two oldest children were at home, I had limited quiet times (time to read, time to pray, time to just be still).  There were days when I had no quiet time at all.  And trust me- on those days, EVERYONE knew it.  I had no self control.  I screamed at my kids, I disrespected Kyle, I was generally a joy-less woman.  In this, I had given the enemy victory.  But praise God that those blinders have been removed.

*sidenote- is it weird that i feel like singing "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone.  I can see all obstacles in my way." CLICK HERE for the full song.  I digress... yet again.

Anyway, those of you who have not seen the most recent HP movie need to know this is a spoiler, so don't read on if you don't want to know what happens.

***SPOILER ALERT***

There is a scene during the movie where Voldemort's army is moving in on Hogwarts School (where all of the main characters are located).  So the elders go to the perimeters surrounding the school and they cast a unified spell.  Their spell creates a dome of protection that will kill Voldemort's forces if they try to cross the boundary created by the spell.  Then there are also soldiers made of stone that are protecting the wizards inside.  It's a really powerful scene if your mind works like mine.

While watching this scene, I cried.  Seriously.  During a Harry Potter movie I cried.  I know- it's okay to judge me now.  I wasn't thinking about the movie in terms of Harry Potter.  I was thinking in terms of real life. That scene struck me because I felt as though, unlike the elders in that movie, I was not prepared for battle- for war.  I was ignorant in trying to defend myself against this invisible enemy.  I didn't strap on the sword of the spirit or any of the rest of the full armor of God (CLICK HERE TO READ THE VERSES ON THIS).

What was happening in my mind was not even a small battle- it was a full on war and I was losing because I was fighting this battle alone.  Isn't that what this blog is supposed to be about??  NOT walking in my own strength, but really finding power walking through life in HIS strength?!?  Clearly I allowed one too many distractions to come into my life and to thwart my thinking.  I was not responsible for my thought life which really sent me on a downward spiral.

So while I was watching this Harry Potter- it hit me like a bolt of lightning- I need to be preparing for war.  I know it's a constant, ongoing thing in my mind, but when I get comfortable, I let my guard down.  This is when the enemy rushes in.  1 Peter 5:8-9 says this: "⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."  


Ladies and gentlemen, there it is.  In black and white.  1- I'm not alone.  I'm NOT alone!!!  "the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."  2- I NEED to stand my guard and strap on this armor because we have seen the effects of what can happen when we don't.  He is a lion and we are his prey.  My marriage is his prey.  My mind is his prey.  My children...  they are his prey.

I met a woman the other day at the gym who referred to me as a warrior.  I mean, clearly she must have seen me working out, right?  (mental image in the moment = XENA, warrior princess- thanks to ADD.)  Actually, she was referring to me as a woman of God. But I haven't felt very much like a warrior.  I have felt more like a failure and have somehow lost my sense of purpose, of direction.

But, I'm back.  No more sitting idly by, watching the enemy take control over my household, my marriage, and my children.  I am taking back control and putting it back in God's hands.  Kyle and I almost separated during these past couple of months, but we have recommitted to one another and to God and let me say this- this warrior is in it to win it.  I don't have any magic spells to cast a dome of protection around our home, but I do have prayer and the rest of the armor of God- and that is ever-so-much more powerful than any silly "magician" could ever imagine.  So here's to nine more years and then nine more and nine more and however many more the Lord has for us!



No longer fighting on my own.  No longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

Behold, The Power of Words

So I got a card in the mail today.  It's about 5 days early, but when I saw the card, my inner 6-year-old jumped for joy, for I recognized the handwriting on the outside of the card.  It was that same handwriting that I had tried so hard to forge in the third grade... unsuccessfully, I might add.  It was the handwriting of my beloved mother.  And the card wasn't just any card.  It was my birthday card.  Yes, folks, I will be a whopping 29 this year... again... for the third time.  :)  Too bad my kids know my true age (and broadcast it EVERYWHERE), or I might try to stay 29 until it's time to turn 39 repetitively.

Anyway, I have been having one of those days... one of those months, really.  It's just been kind of a difficult season for me.  So naturally, I've been having to battle the war in my mind.  And today was one of those days where I was inches from tears when the kids brought the mail to me.  On some levels I've felt like a failure and on some levels, I feel undefined and unaccomplished and just... blah!  (I love that my vocabulary is so large at midnight)

So I expected some kind of cutesy-tootsie card from my mom- because that's just how she is.  They usually make me laugh or make me smile, but it takes a lot to reach my core and affect me the way this card did.  When I opened up my card, I read this:  "I see a young lady out in the world, following her dreams, doing good, and making a difference.  Then I think, Hey, that's my kid. (open card) That's my pride and joy.  Happy birthday to a daughter who's so inspiring.  And loved."  

So clearly my love languages are changing...  words of affirmation is moving on up the list.  This card affected me deeply.  All of those feelings of worthlessness, of doubt that I'm making any kind of a difference, of frustration with my life... all of them are gone.  I feel affirmed. I feel valued.  I feel loved.  And I don't share this for any other reason except to say- next time you think a friend or loved one needs to hear from you...  send them a text, drop them an e-mail (or, Heaven forbid, a hand-written card) and let them know how much you appreciate them.  You never know how much a single sentence can dramatically change the course of one's day.  

So, thanks mom.  Thanks for helping to make this birthday (this 29+th birthday) so special.  Thank you for reaching out to me with these words and encouraging me.  You are a blessing, and you are loved.

No Longer I,

The Real Life (young) Mom

Time Flies

So, last night I was given the very distinct honor and pleasure of holding the most perfect, precious little angel in the world.  Her name is Lily Elizabeth and she was born three days ago to my dear friend Claire.  This is Claire's first trip down baby lane, so as I visited her in her home, I was tickled by the hovering, the oooing and ahhhing by her parents and grandparents.  And then I noticed that I was doing the same thing.

Then as I sat back and watched my friend settle comfortably into nursing her child, I looked over at my eight year old angel and like a brick wall, I realized I now have less than ten years with this angel in my home... unless she's a mooch and decides that she wants to live with us forever.  Somehow I don't see that happening, so I think I'm looking at less than ten years with her.

What the heck?!?!  Where did the time go?  I feel like the wind just got knocked out of my sail.  I mean, I spent so much time waiting for her to grow up and teaching her, guiding her, arguing with her, laughing with her, but in reality, what did I DO with that time?  Has it made a difference?  I mean, have I wasted these first eight years, or have I honored God with the time I've spent?

Since the invention of Facebook, I know for certain I have wasted an insane amount of time...  doing nothing. I'm not sure what the pull is to Facebook, but for some reason, I can waste more time trying to come up with the next most entertaining status or trying to find out other people's business than I do focusing on my own business.  Somehow I have lost my way- lost my priorities.  Facebook isn't the only culprit.  I often find my days have been occupied with so many other seemingly important things like housework or errands or other "important" tasks.

I read this quote on my friend's Facebook Wall the other day and it made me think:  "I really am your gift. I am not just a little person who needs to be "raised" and taught, and taken to activities....I came to the people in my life to bring a message: slow down. Feel. Be. Over and over again. When you do, you will notice immediately, that I am not an obstacle to your work, or inconvenience to your daily life. Instead, you will come to appreciate my honesty, humor, presence and love."-- Bruce Scott

I had several thought trains after reading this. My First thought was- wow. They really are my gifts. I know I sometimes take them for granted. I have spent so much time wishing their lives away that I have completely missed out on what's been right in front of me for years.  It started when they were babies.  I couldn't wait until they could sit up- then I couldn't wait until they could crawl- then walk- then talk...  and pretty soon they weren't little babies any more.  They were toddlers.  Then I couldn't wait until they were older so they were more mature.  Then they got older and I wanted them to stop growing.  It's too bad I can't keep them young forever...

Knowing that time travel and freezing time aren't an option for anyone except Marty McFly, I think I'll just take more advantage of the time I have with them.  I'm currently at home with them... during the summer.  I've been busy all summer making memories with them and teaching them but the past couple of weeks as the stress has built up, I've gotten back into the housework rut.  I learned that housework is my escape from having to be hands on with reality.  So, recognizing that, I think I'll step away from the mop and the broom and make a little more time for Yahtzee and Hop Scotch.  

So, Claire and Aron (and all of you other new parents), if I could offer you one piece of advice, I'd say- take advantage of this time you have with your little angel(s).  Take time to soak in every single memory, every single breath.  Don't wish her life away, instead, thank God for each of the moments you have with her.  Don't get so caught up with getting everything right and being the perfect parent- but rather- focus on the perfect gift that you have been given.  When she's ready, she'll crawl and walk, and eventually talk... and eventually talk back to you (yes, that part is SO much fun).  In the mean time, oooh and ahhhh and cuddle that little piece of Heaven all you can.  

As for me, I'm going to cuddle all of mine and enjoy the rest of my summer making memories that will last the rest of this lifetime.  Here's to the parents, young and old, experienced and inexperienced:  May you never forget what is right in front of you as you walk this blessed journey.

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Freedom

Some people write eloquently- I am not one of them.  Some people use mature, SAT-type words when they blog to sound more sophisticated- my vocabulary is not that extensive, so again, I am not one of these people.  Some people like to paint pretty pictures of the lives they live and paint an unattainable ideal while the rest of us ponder our lives and beat ourselves up for not living up to those expectations- so I may have done this a few times.  I think I used to be really guilty of this.  I wanted everyone to think I had it all together, but folks, let's face it- I don't.  I'm still very much a work in progress.  


A friend told me once that she read my blog and my posts on Facebook and it made her feel bad.  This, in turn, made me feel bad.  My goal is to minister to others- to reach out and encourage, but by "having it all together", I think some of my writing may have had the opposite effect.  So, here I am- I'm going to let a few skeletons out of this closet and let you all see a few pieces of me.  


When I was about 19 I moved in with some friends from my church and got a job about a mile and a half away that I was able to walk to.  While there, I was told I needed some better clothes to wear to work.  I didn't have any money, so I stole some clothes and shoes.  Yes- that's right.  I stole.  I was a thief.  I got caught and repaid my debt but it caught up with me.  A former co-worker shared this information with someone else and... well, let's face it- when you're from a small town, EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING.  So, my business became the business of others.  I never tried to justify it- I made a stupid choice and was forced to make up for the mistake.


Fast forward a couple of years.  I was living with some friends in an apartment.  At this time, my job was to clean for the family of one of these friends.  So once a week I would clean the house of my friend's parents to help earn income to pay the bills.  At the end of this season, I was accused of stealing from these people.  They had misplaced a few valuable items (which, later turned up- and not by my hand) and came straight to me because, you know- someone who stole once is officially a thief, right?  Wrong.  This hurt so badly, but it was also a consequence of the choice I had made a few years earlier.  


Try as I might, I wasn't able to convince them I had not taken anything.  They continued to spread the word- to pastors, to friends, to family... it got to the point where it felt awkward to be in the homes of friends because it felt like they, too would think I was a thief.  I stole one time... one time and it labelled me.  I tried to claim that verse "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" 2 Cor. 5:17 but my friends and roommates made the choice to believe the lies.  


A few years passed and I saw this woman- the mother of my friend.  She was the woman who had spread the rumors and lies to everyone I knew.  She walked up to me in a dark church parking lot and greeted me with a silent, long hug, and a kiss on the cheek.  It was as if she were- in her own way- apologizing for what she had done.  Her own choice had been no different then mine.  What I stole was physical, but what she stole was so much more.  She slandered me and revealed my past to others so that they might also believe I had stolen again.  She stole my life.  My integrity that I had worked so hard to rebuild.  Once I left the retailer, I committed to God and to myself that I would never allow myself to be tempted in that way again and since then- I have not.  I truly believe that God freed me from that label so that I might not be known and Christi, the thief, but Christi- child of God, mother to the millions (or 5...), wife to the Hottie, and so many other beautiful crowns that I wear.  


But I don't share that to say- hey, look at me!  I share that because I know at times, we have all worn hats of different kinds.  My label was thief.  Perhaps your label has been gossip, or judgement.  Perhaps it's coveting or adultery (yes, even in the mind).  It could be anything, but we've all struggled with wearing a label.  I've had so many that, at times I forget whose I really am.... I am His.  And if you aren't sure which hat you are wearing- or how people see you based on your past, let me remind you of this:   "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!  ⁸ And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. ¹⁹ For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.  So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!”²¹ For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin,^[e] so that we could be made right with God through Christ."


So just as I had been forgiven of my sin and was made new, I forgave this precious woman and have since had a wonderful relationship with her and her entire family.  What freedom forgiveness can bring!  




So anyway, I just thought I would share that with you tonight.  Again, I know it's not the best writing you've ever read, or the most sophisticated, but these words are mine, from my heart.  I know some of you are long time friends and supporters of mine and for that, I thank you.  Others of you do not know me and may never meet me this side of Heaven.  Thank you for reading anyway.  And if you don't understand why I write, it's very simple.  I have a heart to encourage people- people who are like-minded, people who are not like-minded.  I believe it's my job to bring God's hope and light into the world.  I know you may not like or agree with everything I write- and that's great!  I love feedback and I'd love to hear your opinions- even the negative ones.  If my blog is offensive, keep reading- one of these days I'm bound to write something you'll like, and if not, there are millions of other bloggers out there who are hungry for new readers.


I hope one of these days I can encourage each and every one of you.  Just know- you may not understand it, but I'm praying for you- each and every one of you.  Thanks for reading!  


No Longer I,


The Real Life Mom

Rise and Shine!

I may be dating myself a bit here, but when I was young, they taught us that uber annoying song in church "Ri-ise, and shi-ine, and give God the glory, glory!"  You know this song.  I know you do.  And if you don't, you're probably too young to enjoy this blog anyway.

*Sidenote- does it ever seem like my blog is one big ADD reel, complete with rabbit trails and random thoughts of digression?

Any how... where was I?  Oh yes!  The song.  So last year when I replaced my broken phone, I noticed I had an alarm on my phone.  Because, yes... my phone is now officially smart (and broken, as well- thankyouverymuch Shepherd.)  So for my alarm, I decided I would write the lyrics to that song.  I thought it would be a super brilliant idea to get that song stuck in my head every single morning until...  until I remembered to delete it  (note to self- delete annoying alarm).

So every single morning at 6:00a.m., my phone sends me a text message saying "Rise and shine and give God the glory!" You're welcome.  I know it's stuck in your head now, too.  At the time, though, this seemed like a brilliant plan.  I was feeling super "Christian" when I did it.  I guess I thought if I saw that little beeping note that I would suddenly be transformed in to this amazing, wonder-Christian.  Um.. not so much.  Honestly, most mornings I just hit the ignore button.  And some mornings I hear the buzz and think of a curse word because I'm still too tired.  So perhaps this wasn't the most brilliant plan...

But then there are mornings like today.  I didn't hear the buzz this morning because I was too busy drooling on my pillow.  However, when I did manage to unstick my pillow case from my face and wipe away last night's mascara, I looked down at that little reminder on my phone.  I went to hit ignore, but something made me open it.  When I read it, I saw this "Rise and shine and give God the glory!"  And for once, I didn't want to scream, or whine about how tired I was.  I realized why I had put that in there.  It wasn't to remind me never to traumatize my children with annoying songs.  It was so that I could remember why God put me here.  Yes, I did manage to have a deep thought before I had my coffee (who knew?!?)

But it made me think of this verse: "Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."  So then as I dressed this morning and went about my day, I stopped and made time to think about my actions and my words.  I made a conscious choice to honor God as often as I remembered.  So maybe I shouldn't delete that little alarm.  It kind of makes me think of the Sunny D guy anyhow..  made me giggle today and who knows what will happen tomorrow?  


As I'm about to nod off, I have one thought- today, I chose to honor God.  I don't know what tomorrow holds for me and for my family, but in spite of the difficulties and tough news that came my way today, I was blessed indeed.  So here's to being transformed by a silly little preschool song- here's to being renewed and to being reminded why we are here- to give HIM all honor and glory.


"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Answered Prayers... Savannah And Other Miracles

Since I was sharing with you that I was trusting God for some pretty huge things, I wanted to share with you some pretty awesome requests that He has answered over the years.

Let's start with Savannah.  

Have I ever told you how she came into my world?  I didn't give birth to this little angel, but God knew I'd need her.  Savannah is my step daughter (Kyle's daughter from before we were married).  When I was 20, a doctor told me I would likely never have children... ha!  I was DEVASTATED because I loved children so much (and when I say loved... I don't mean in the past tense- except at 6:00am on Saturday morning when all I want to do is sleep in... but I digress).  I desperately wanted children of my own, but had given up any hopes I had after that horrible doctor visit.

So anyway, after Kyle and I started dating, he told me he had a baby.  Her name was Savannah.  The first time I met her, I fell in love... like head over heels, I wish I had given birth to you so I could hold you all of the time and love on you like my own baby... L.O.V.E, mother-child love.  Then Kyle and I got pregnant (SURPRISE, DOC!)  and shortly, thereafter, we were married.  We were able to see Savannah every other weekend, but there was so much strife between her mother and I that it became more of a hassle.

Then we gave birth to Trinity and those feelings of selfless, adoring love came flooding right back in.  It wasn't when I first saw her... I mean, I WAS on some pretty intense drugs and kind of out of it, so to me she looked more like an alien, less like what I thought a newborn should look like.  Buuuuuuuttttt....  eventually they placed her in my arms and I fell deeply in love with that little alien.  I cuddled her and loved her and couldn't wait to bring her home.

A couple of years (and some tragic situations) passed and then I was supposed to be picking Savannah up from her 2nd birthday party outside of Chuck-e-Cheese.  Being the mature woman I was, I allowed myself to get drawn in to an argument over emotions about Kyle and so many other unimportant details.  I said things to Savannah's mom (Heather) that I should NEVER have said.  I acted in a way that was so unbecoming... blame it on the hormones because did I mention that I was pregnant by this time... again???  (I seriously need to give that genius doctor a Christmas card... from my whole family).  I digress... yet again.  Blame it on the ADD.

Anyway, I went home from that party without Savannah and very upset with her mother.  I felt so justified in my thoughts and actions and I just knew she was wrong... but it didn't matter.  That night, God gripped my heart.  He told me He had a plan to use this precious baby (Savannah) for His glory and that I should make every attempt to reconcile with heather.  So I did.  I wrote this woman an eight page letter- during which, I poured out my heart.  I apologized for the way I acted, for the words I said.  I told her how I felt God was telling me to make it right.  I didn't remember what all was said, but I presented the letter to her with cupcakes (a sort of peace offering).  Not sure if it was the letter or the cupcakes, but something got to her...  :)

That day, my life changed forever.  God used that letter to open the door for a beautiful friendship to begin.  He brought Heather and I so very close.  He allowed a friendship/ mentor-mentee relationship to begin and seven years later, we are closer than we've ever been.  That's not to say we never disagree or argue, but as with any friendship, we have come together in His name, for His glory.  God has used this situation to bless Heather's family and my own.  He has allowed freedom where bondage would otherwise dwell.

Not only did God give me four children of my very own, but He also gave me a precious angel and her mother to love.  I don't share that so I can boast of anything awesome that I did.  If I had things my way, I would have ignored God and there's no telling where we'd be today.  But I wanted to share this to show you how awesome God is! Against all odds, God used this situation to turn me into a mom- a real life mom.  So I praise Him for the opportunity to know and love this precious angel and her family.  And I praise Him for working in a seemingly-hopeless situation to bring Him all honor and glory!

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

All Things

Did I ever tell you I wasn't supposed to be able to have children?  Yep.  That's right.  About ten years ago, a doctor confirmed that I had severe endometriosis, causing scarring that would prevent me from having children.  1,874,328 children later, I can clearly see that God had other plans.  I have some friends who haven't had it so easy, though.


I can remember sitting in our class on Sunday morning about 4 years ago.  I was pregnant with my third child- a TOTAL surprise (as were they all).  A friend of mine had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years. I announced that I was pregnant.  My friend said that she was completely broken-hearted because so many of us "just so happened" to get pregnant and at this point, she would have done anything for a baby of her own.  I felt horrible. 


So I began to pray for this couple.  I wanted God to intervene and bless this precious family with a child of their own.  But He did not.  Another year passed and they were still  not pregnant. Then something crazy happened.  God had been moving in my heart and in my life.  He was changing me and teaching me how to pray and to trust Him.  During one of my quiet times, I felt like he was telling me that I needed to pray over this couple- like out loud.  Because... you know...  ya,I didn't know either.  At this point, I was NOT one to pray out loud.  The very thought made my sweat... like under the arms, ringing wet, shaky voice, sweat.  


This was a huge step in my prayer life.  I remember hearing a sermon during this time about faith and what it meant to really trust God.  I had always told people I'd pray for them and usually just went on about my own business, but something inside of me was really changing.  I felt like God was really pressing me to be bold- to step out in prayer.   I asked these friends of mine if they would meet me at a Wednesday night prayer service.  I was nervous.  I mean, what if God didn't answer?  What if I looked like an idiot?  What if I gave them false hope and they really weren't supposed to have any children?  Would they hate me?


More than nervous, I was afraid of what would happen if I wasn't obedient.  I mean- would He still work?  I knew He was telling me to do this, so the excitement of watching Him work conquered any fears that I had.  So my friends met me down front one Wednesday evening and I prayed for them.  I laid my hands on them and I prayed the first bold prayer I'd ever prayed.  I claimed life in a dry womb.  I claimed victory in Jesus name.  And for the first time in my life, I felt like God was giving me authority to speak in His name.  So I claimed that in His name, this beautiful couple would be blessed with a child.  I was so excited because from my core, I felt like God was really going to do this- to honor this prayer.  But still, a small part of me was nervous.  


For the next month, I continued to pray and believe that He was going to work.  One night, God gave me a dream of that sweet family and with them- a precious little child.  And then I knew.  I knew He'd done it.  So the next time I saw them at church, without hesitation, I asked her if she was pregnant.  The tears of joy in her eyes were all of the confirmation I needed.  God had, indeed answered our prayers.  He blessed this family with their very greatest desire and gave them their first child.  


I don't think there was anything magical about my prayer.  I don't think God needed me to do this.  I think he could have and would have performed this miracle with or without me.  He chose me for this particular task and today I was so blessed to learn that they are now expecting their third baby.  It wasn't just about a baby. It was about learning to trust.  I saw God show up in a way I'd previously only ever heard of and that experience didn't just bless me- it caused my faith to multiply exponentially and increased the faith of my family and the faith of everyone we knew.


I read this in my quiet time today:  "The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with." James 5:16  And to this, I say amen.  This experience taught me so many things, but one of the greatest things I learned was that prayer is the real work.  God doesn't NEED us to pray, He WANTS us to pray- to admit that we are not in control.  I love that verse- something powerful to be reckoned with.  Alone, we can do nothing, but Matthew 19:26 says "Jesus said to them, “With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”  


So, congratulations to my dear friends!  I cannot wait to meet your new little prince or princess!  Every time I see your sweet family, I am reminded of just how powerful prayer really is!  Thanks for letting me be a part of this fabulous journey with you guys!  A few years ago, I never would have dreamed we'd be hearing the announcement of the third baby.  This is such a testimony of God's awesome power and His goodness.

"With God ALL things are possible."

No Longer I (in my prayer life),

The Real Life Mom

Perspective

I know I'm a little bi-polar in my posting.  One day you see the super-happy-almost-as-if-I-were-on-drugs post and then you have the what-in-the-world-whoa-is-me-whiney-girl post.  I hope you know by now that I am on medication for this.  I'm so kidding.  But I was laughing at myself after I posted yesterday's post about feeling let down by God and being honest about it- because after I posted it, I clicked on the "view blog" link. As I was re-reading the post, I read the post before it where I joyfully described praying big and why it's important to pray until something happens and all of my own posts from the Christi version of Hallmark's "Jesus" collection.

So anyway, as I was laying in bed last night, I was thinking to myself.  First I felt somewhat like an idiot for being so transparent with my emotions on the blog.  But then I really felt silly for not doing that much sooner.  I think sometimes people look at the blog and think I seem to have all of the right answers, or that my life is so "put together", but in reality, I blog what I want you to see.  So where you see me and my life as being super-positive, it's usually only after wrestling with some really tough stuff.

So as I was laying in bed last night, I went through the whole realm of emotions.  I prayed and when I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with my prayers, I went through the ACTS prayer: Adoration. Confession. Thanksgiving. Supplication.  And then it hit me.  Perspective.

For me, perspective can be the difference between "I have 100 pounds to lose" and "I've lost 14 pounds already!"  Or "My life is so hard right now" and "Wow- life could be so much more difficult... thank you Lord for all you have done for me."  So it started with the adoration... that's when my heart started changing as I verbalized who He is.  Then in the confession, I realized how selfish I had been in not realizing where God had shown up and how He has blessed me.  I then took time to thank Him for all that He has done... which has really been oh so much!  He has blessed me and my precious family so very much.  He has shown us His love and has poured out his blessings in spite of all of our screw ups, in spite of my multiple personalities :) in spite of my selfishness and sin.  He has been there for me- even when I haven't seen or felt Him.  And even though I may not feel Him now, He is here.

I held a VBS at my house last week and one of the key points that I was teaching the kids was that faith is trusting in what you can't see because of what you can see.  Did you get that?  Don't miss it.  My kids know this and have been reciting it to me for weeks now (thankyouverymuch WoodsEdge-Kid zone!)  :)  Faith is trusting in what you can't see because of what you can see.  Wow.  I can see God.  I see Him everywhere- in the trees, in the rain that we ARE going to get today... right?  :)  I see him in my children's smiles and in my precious marriage (THANK YOU LORD!)  I hear Him when my kids laugh and when I feel the wind blow on a hot day.  I see Him in the health of my children and in all of the amazing ways that He has provided for us.

I see Him.  I may be going through some really tough stuff and I may not always feel Him near.  I may have felt like He abandoned us, but that's because I forgot... I lost my perspective.  He is here.  He does love me.  he has not left me.  A token from the Jesus collection "I will never leave you or forsake you."  He promised us that in His word.  So who am I to question that?  Just because I can't feel Him doesn't mean He isn't working.  So I need to choose to have faith- to trust in what I can't see because of what I can see.  :)

Here's to more of us being real and choosing joy as we change our perspective and choose to trust.  Thank you Lord for your promises.

Signing off- No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Better Than A Hallelujah

So I know sometimes I'm like "Sally Christian", meaning that I think I have the right answers, or at least Hallmark's answers from their "Jesus" collection- you know, things like "God never gives us more than we can handle" or "Everything happens for a reason"... blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes I get tired of the sound of my voice- or the words I've written. And then sometimes I read the things I write and I think to myself- huh...  good thoughts.  Maybe I  should try applying them.  But today?  Today I don't have any answers.  I don't have any advice or great thoughts to share.  Today I just want to curl up in a bawl and cry.

It's been one of those weeks...  actually, it's been a season of tough weeks, off and on.  Kyle and I are doing well, but the hand we've been dealt is a tough one to play.  Most of the time I choose to have a better attitude, but this week I feel like life's really been piling it on and so right now all I want to do is cry... but I'm literally too numb to even do that.

You see, I prayed for some really big things.  I asked God to intervene on so many levels in so many different areas of my life... and He didn't.  With all of my heart, I believed He would show up and rescue us, but it didn't happen the way I thought it would.  I felt like He'd let us down.  I felt like He had turned His back on us.  I asked Him what I had done wrong or why I was being punished.    And there was no answer.  I screamed.  I shouted at Him.  I cried to Him.  All I wanted was an answer, but as of yet.... nothing.  I was actually mad at God.  Isn't that funny?  Mad.  At God.  Huh.

Sometimes writing is therapeutic for me.  I analyze life as I write it out and sometimes I come up with a solution either through prayer or scripture but this time I'm dry.  I have no answers.  I just know that there is a song I hear often on the radio by Amy Grant.  I think it's called Better Than a Hallelujah.  One of the lines "We pour out our misery, but God just hears a melody.  Beautiful, the mess we are!  Honest cries of breaking hearts... better than a hallelujah sometimes."  Yeah... not feeling so beautiful right now- actually feeling more mess than beautiful.

None-the-less, I'll keep crying out to Him.  Even though I don't feel Him here.  Even though I'm in a desert time.  I tried to worship in church yesterday but it felt so forced and all I wanted to do was scream "SERIOUSLY??!?!?"  I guess I just feel like He would rather me be honest with Him than sing meaningless words from an empty place.  Even so, something within me fought against these emotions in church.  I fought to try to connect with Him in worship, but I was still numb.

Anyway, I know I'm long winded.  I guess all of these words today could be summed up by saying this- please pray for me.  More than anything right now, I don't need words.  I don't need to be encouraged or to hear anything more from Hallmark.  I just need HIM.  Thanks for listening and thanks for praying.  Deep down, I know He is listening and I know He is there, so please just don't stop praying.  He will come through and He will turn my mourning in to dancing... eventually.  In the mean time, this is me- about as real as it gets, signing off.

Still working on becoming... NO LONGER I.

The Real Life Mom.

Pray Big

First trimester.  Four years ago.  I was pregnant with Jacob and although he was my third child, I had never experienced sickness before so I was unprepared for this.  Within the first few weeks I got sick... like really sick.  Like more sick than I had ever been in my life.  I was married to my bathroom but still had two toddlers (one with special needs) to take care of.  The sickness lasted for about 16 weeks, during which I was teaching Trinity how to pray.  I can remember about week ten she came into the bathroom one day while I was sick and asked if she could pray for me.  I thought surely it wouldn't make a difference, but, clearly I was wrong.  You see, Trinity honestly thought that if she asked God for something He would make it happen.  She believed.  She prayed with childlike faith and as soon as she stopped praying and removed her hands from my tummy, I felt better.  I was amazed.  She did this every day until the sickness was completely gone and each time I would feel better right away.

That entire pregnancy was a lesson in prayer and faith for me.  I had prayed for things in the past and felt like God hadn't come through for me, so I had little to no faith in His abilities.  I had put Him inside of a box.  But Trinity still believed.  She knew without a doubt that God would heal me... and He did (each time increasing both her faith and mine).  I don't know how God works or why He chooses to answer some prayers and not others.  I don't know why He chooses to heal some and not others.  I do know that He has a plan and that His ways, although mysterious are ultimately the best ways... but even still- trusting when you feel like you've been let down or ignored can be difficult.

I remember when my parents separated 15 years ago.  I prayed for FOREVER for them to reconcile.  I honestly believed God would bring them back together but that didn't happen.  They divorced and each went on to live separate lives.  I've prayed for freedom from certain struggles for most of my life and still... they remain.  Since we've been married we've had financial struggles.  In the beginning we were just poor stewards of our income.  Then we took steps to become better stewards of what God had given us but still... we struggled (and continue to struggle).  I have prayed and prayed- I have prayed- face down on the floor, bawling my eyes out.  I have begged and pleaded.  I have wrestled with God on this for our entire nine year marriage... and still, things are tight.  In fact, they are beyond tight.  This past week I wrote checks for a few bills.  I thought we'd have the money.  I was sure it would be there.  I prayed and trusted God and I just knew without a shadow of a doubt that the money would be there... but it wasn't.  

Kyle barely works right now because he's in school and I don't have an income producing job outside of the home.  In the past, God has provided in some amazing ways.  In fact, if I told you some of the really cool ways he has worked, you would be astounded (and it would take FOR.EV.ER) because He is that awesome and His timing has always been perfect.  So then, why didn't He show up this time?  Why didn't Kyle get more work the past week or two?  Why didn't I find a job?  I'm not sure.

But I know God has a plan- His plan for our good and for His glory.  It's hard to trust when you feel like you've been let down, but I'm choosing to press on.  I am praying big prayers, for more than just finances.  I am praying for a long list of things right now but as a friend told me yesterday on Facebook:  I'm praying big, praying bold, and praying often.  I am claiming victory over these circumstances that have bound us and I am going to keep petitioning God until something happens!  Don't they call that P.U.S.H. praying? (Pray Until Something Happens).  I am trying to rediscover the faith that my kids have.  I am going to let go of my doubt and my fear (tools of the enemy, used to whittle away faith) and I am going to trust that my God can move these mountains.  

What did I say a few posts back?  Rather than pressing into the mountain, I should press into the one who can move the mountain!  So no more manipulating finances each week to just get by.  I am trusting God for something so much bigger than just getting by.  I am trusting him to COMPLETELY and TOTALLY provide for each and every one of our needs.  Where the government may have decided we didn't need financial aid, My God, who is so much bigger than our government, WILL PROVIDE.  Join me in praying and believing.

And if you have a request, please add a comment below or send me a private message.  I'm on a roll here and I'd love to include your requests in my prayer time.  I look at each of these requests as a opportunity to spend at my savior's feet, so please don't hesitate!  I look forward to seeing God work in each of these requests and in each of our lives!  Walk with me. Pray with me.  Believe with me!  No longer with the faith of a doubting adult, but with the faith of a trusting child...

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

To The Teachers

I've always felt that teaching was a gift from God.  I know it's definitely something that requires an extra dose of patience, creativity, passion, and loving kindness.  Some parents choose to home school while others enlist the aid of the nurturing, caring individuals we call teachers.  I once read a parent describing their child's life as a notebook.  She asked the question: "Who is writing on the pages of your child's notebook?"

My son is somewhat difficult to teach.  He's easily distracted, passionate, excitable, but definitely high energy.  He loves to learn, but I know for a while I was definitely not the person to teach him.  So God gave me a team of amazing ladies who invested time and energy into loving and guiding my precious boy.  Each of these ladies (from the administrators to the special needs teachers to his homeroom teachers) played a role in shaping the man my son will one day become.

I have watched my son struggle through autistic tendencies, hyperactivity, and a delayed speech development.  I have prayed for him, cried with him, because of the situation, and most every night for a couple of years.  I thought I'd never see the day when he would read independently, or write stories, or do math and science with such excitement.

Today is Timmy's seventh birthday and not only did we get to celebrate his birthday but we got to enjoy the end of the year awards at school.  I watched as my son's name was called as part of the list of students who received straight A's.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Straight A's... for the year.  Those of you who know him know what an amazing feat that is!  And yes, we are so very proud.

But this boy- this child has been through so much, struggling every step of the way, so I never thought I'd see the day where his name got called on the list of students who made straight A's for the entire year.  The A's weren't because of me. They weren't because I'm such an amazing mom... (no comments from the peanut gallery, please).  The A's were because of the hard work, dedication, passion, love, generosity, patience, and creativity of his teachers.  Specifically, I'd like to thank Ms. Gillum this year.  Each year he has been blessed with phenomenal teachers, but this year was the icing on the cake.  Ms. Gillum stayed late, communicated with me almost daily as needed, and committed to my son to never let him fail.  She pushed and challenged him, working through the difficulties and distractions.  She pressed on when his behavior was at its worst and refused to cave when the pressure was high.

I'd like to take this opportunity to recognize this special teacher and all of the other teachers by saying this-

I send my kids to school because I believe I am not the best possible person to teach my children at this time.  What I get back from you guys are pages and pages of wonderful blessings.  There is no one else I would rather have writing on the pages of my children's lives than you amazing, precious ladies.  I know many of you have children, families, and friends of your own that you sacrifice time with to love on and to guide our kids.  You go out of your way to bless us and your efforts do not go unnoticed.  You are a blessing and you are changing lives... not just ours, but thousands of lives to come.  You are helping to shape the future of our world as you hold their little hearts and minds in your hands. So thank you for giving, for loving so fully.  Thank you for demonstrating patience and excitement for learning.  Thank you for going out of your way to help my child become the person he was created to be.  You have blessed us more than you know and I hope and pray that although you may never fully see the fruits of your labor, that you would know the world would not be the same without you.  My child would not be the same without you.

So here's to all of you wonderful teachers, ladies and gentlemen.  May God bless you and give you rest and rejuvenation as you prepare to pour into more lives next year.  You are appreciated.  You are loved.