BLOG?

So, who invented the word BLOG anyway?  I mean, it sounds like what it is: word vomit.  So was someone just writing a diary one day, then realized it was word vomit and decided to call it what it is?  a BL-AH-G?  I'm mostly just curious.  I would like to think that when I share my random thoughts with people, it's not just word vomit, but I read an e-mail from our pastor today that made me re-think how much I share, or overshare.  Below is a copy of the e-mail devotional, written by Jeff Wells, senior pastor of Woods Edge Community Church:

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise."
Proverbs 10:19


The more we talk, the more we sin. That ought to sober us and cause us to slow down our talking, but many of us talk on! 

There was a tombstone in an English churchyard. The faint etching read:


Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Arabella Young,
Who, on the twenty-fourth of May,
Began to hold her tongue.


Far better if we heed Proverbs 10:19 and begin to hold our tongue while we live! The Bible says: That’s what wise people do. They are not incessant talkers. They talk, of course. But they are slow to speak and quick to listen (James 1:19).


Why do we talk too much? Maybe it’s nervousness. Maybe insecurity. But a big reason for excessive talking is pride. We are self-preoccupied, self-centered, self-enamored. Proverbs 18:2 says: "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."


One of my heroes is Theodore Roosevelt. Roosevelt was a courageous, fearless President with many incredible traits. But like the rest of us, he was one flawed individual. Talking too much was one of those flaws. One biographer, Edmund Morris, comments:


"He delights like a schoolboy in parading his knowledge, and does so loudly, and at such length, that less vigorous talkers lapse into weary silence. John Hay once calculated that in a two-hour dinner at the White House, Roosevelt’s guests were responsible for only four and a half minutes of conversation; the rest was supplied by the President himself."


OK, maybe you’re not that bad! I hope not! But Theodore Roosevelt is not the standard! God calls us to be careful, to hold back, to go slow when it comes to talking. Be slow to speak, quick to listen. Most of us get that backwards: We are quick to speak, slow to listen.


Words are a great resource. We can do so much good with life-giving words. But words can be abused. One way we abuse words is to talk too much and listen too little. In a day of cell phones, e-mail and Facebook, perhaps the problem of excessive words is worse than ever.


Wise people hold their tongue. How are you doing at this rare discipline?

Ouch.  "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."  Yes, I, more than most, need guidance and discipline in this area.  More than anything, I need self control in my life and I always think that I can add to a conversation or maybe something I say can help or encourage someone.  But a long time ago, a wise friend told me (very lovingly) "Christi, you don't always have to say every thought that comes to mind."  And perhaps this wise friend was right.  I wonder if holding my tongue would give others an opportunity to encourage, to share, to help be iron for another friend (or, heaven forbid, for me!)  So here it is, my BL-AH-G for today... about having fewer words, listening more, and loving others more than I love the sound of my own voice.  No longer I.

Love Me

Perhaps I'm a little emotional today... perhaps. Or maybe I'm just tired, or just being a girl but I started thinking back to high school. I can remember being supremely insecure and not really confident in anything about myself. Even as a teenager, I was always looking for my niche- trying to find that group of friends who would accept me for who I was. The problem is that I didn't know who I was. I spent so much time trying to fit a mold that I thought people were looking for me to fill that I never really took time to find my own shape. And because I was so afraid of what people were thinking about me, I put on masks, facades, one at a time- removing each only for a millisecond to put on the next mask.

I wanted to fit in so badly, as most teenagers do, and I thought if I could just find the right mask, enough people would like me and I would be happy. But I never found that happiness. I only found more and more masks and before long I was so deep in my own masks that I had forgotten what the real me looked like altogether.

These insecurities have followed me into adulthood, unfortunately. I have recently noticed that the cliques from high school didn't end in high school. People are still people- all with deep seeded needs for security and acceptance. Thus, we find the cliques in our churches and neighborhoods. As of late, I have found myself looking for that happiness again- that acceptance- but I noticed to fit in to certain groups, you have to have money, or be funny, successful, or entertaining. You have to have the right job or the right look (none of which I have). So I have often found myself wondering if there will ever be a time when I really do fit in. I have tried wearing the masks, but it's exhausting.

The difference between adulthood and childhood for me, is that now I am able to recognize what I am looking for. We are all designed with a God-shaped hole and are trying to fill it with different things. We all want to be accepted and loved unconditionally. Because the enemy knows this, He attacks this part of each of us, whispering lies like these:

"If you can just lose this weight, then you'll have the look you need."
"If you can just become successful at something... at anything, THEN you'll be accepted."
"Maybe if you were just a bit funnier, or smarter, or knew more people..."
"Maybe if you sang better or wrote better or were more talented in this area..."
"If you can just be friends with these people, THEN you will be happy."


But all of these are just lies, meant to keep us filled with an unquenchable thirst. I struggle with these thoughts when I stop making time to read my Bible and pray. Recognizing this, I opened up my Bible and found this in John 4:13- 13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Jesus wants to fill the void in our hearts. He wants to be the one we turn to for acceptance and love. He wants to quench this insatiable thirst so we can all stop trying so hard, stop pretending to be who we are not.

I continued reading and found this in Psalm 139:

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!



Thank you Jesus for loving me so! Thank you for being the one who loves and accepts me just as I am. Thank you for quenching this thirst in me and loving me with your never ending, indescribable love! Thank you for making me, uniquely me- and then finding delight in this creation! In you, and you alone do I put my trust. No longer I.

The Truth Hurts... And Then It Heals

Yo Momma. Thank you very much Will Smith for creating that timeless line of wit. I remember sitting in a dorm room with an old friend of mine trading 'yo momma' jokes. I never in a million years dreamed I'd be the butt of any of those jokes, (no pun intended, but now that I think about it... run with the pun) but here we are, some years later, and it has happened. My little girl came home from school the other day and told me she was upset because a neighbor friend was teasing her and calling her names. Then she dropped the bomb, "And mom, he kept saying you were fat, like really fat." Ouch. No, really... OUCH.

I never imagined my weight would affect my children. I always thought it was my issue to deal with. I mean, they are practically stick people- blessed with my hot husband's genes rather than mine. But now my daughter is being teased because of my choices. So I took some serious time to reflect and to think about exactly how badly I wanted to make these changes.

I am the queen of starting things and not finishing them. I have started countless books and never finished them. And diets? Don't even get me started! If it has a name, I have tried it. I start projects all of the time and life gets in the way in one form or another, so I put them on the back burner insisting "one day" I will get to them. So what if "one day" never comes and I never finish these projects? What if that "one day" I have started my one millionth diet and never completed it? Will my family still be suffering because of my choices?

If you get a chance, read through 1 Corinthians 10. There is so much meat in this chapter alone but I have hand picked a few verses to share with you:

12 If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. 14 So, my dear friends, flee from the worship of idols...

Here I see that God is faithful and will not allow me to be tempted beyond what I can stand. So maybe this journey is one I can successfully complete after all. Maybe I won't have to look back and wonder what ever happened to "one day".

Then He says:

23 You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. 24 Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others...

Wow. And there it is- in black and white. "don't be concerned for your own good, but for the good of others." What kind of example have I been setting for my children? Have I been setting an example of self control? Not even close. What about my kids? What are they seeing? I have been far too concerned with living for my own desires that I haven't even considered the long term effects on my family. I'm setting them up for failure, teaching them that selfishness and greed are not just okay, but they are a way of life, eventually leading to a horrible, painful, sickening death.

Verse 31 says:

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

That was probably the most life altering verse in this chapter for me. I've been living for my self for so long, I'd forgotten why I was put here in the first place. I wasn't put on this planet to do whatever I want. I wasn't put here to enjoy everything the earth has to offer. I was put here to bring glory to God. So I choose to die to myself. I choose to live for Him. This momma is no ordinary momma. If there is one thing I want to leave to my children, it's the legacy of a life lived to bring glory to God. No longer I.

The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

Once upon a time there was this really hot girl. Then she had 87 children and gained 1,000,000 pounds. Okay, perhaps there is a bit of exaggeration in the previous statements... I wouldn't say she was reeeeeally hot, but her hot husband would. And maybe she didn't have 87 children, but in an eight year span, she had four children and gained 120+ pounds. Yes, 120 pounds on top of the original body weight... ouch.

Clearly this mystery woman I speak of is myself. While I recognize that there is now more of me to love, my youngest child is now seven months old and I am looking back to nine years ago when I started dating my husband. I had just lost about 40 pounds and was working out regularly, eating right and the best part? Where the balloon currently resides in my midsection, there was a strong core. Over the course of the first pregnancy, I learned terrible eating habits that stayed with me. Before my first pregnancy I had finally broken that cycle and was on track to being healthy. But, alas! My terrible eating habits have come back in spades and I am now in an unhealthy, vicious cycle that will eventually kill me if I don't make some drastic changes.

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. So here it is: My name is Christi Muhle and I struggle with gluttony. Not just over-eating on occasion, but gluttony- defined as "the practice of eating to excess" or "an extreme lack in self discipline."

During a fasting season God revealed to me this sin in my life. He gave me this scripture from 1 Peter 1:13-16:

So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. 14 So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. 16 For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”

I believe He has called me to a time of holiness- a time of dependence on Him. I believe God wants to deliver me from bondage to this sin, but it's going to be a journey. I know it won't happen over night,and if I didn't see God's glory on the other side of this thing, I would feel bad about it. Instead, I am trusting in Him, walking in the promises and truth that He has already won the battle. I am more excited about it than anything so I am walking in his victory instead of in my shame. So here you have it- the official beginning of my journey. Walk with me and see what God does. Walk with me and one day we will be able to look back on this post and finally say, "No longer I."

THE REAL ME

So I was in a meeting with a good friend (mentor, really) and another friend the other day. My mentor says to me: “Christi, you exude confidence and just appear fully confident in everything, but I think you are covering up for some deep seeded insecurities.” First, I was in shock at how amazingly accurate that statement was. Then I was embarrassed because someone had “found me out”. Not that I ever intended to hide my insecurities- I think it was more of a self-preservation method. I have never actually been super self-confident, so in order to not drown in depression or self pity, when I was about 14 I started wearing this façade of confidence and I guess somehow it just carried over into my adult life. I never really took that mask off. I think it’s good, to a point because where I lack confidence, the mask helps me to be able to walk into situations I might not normally go and forces me to match the appearance I am giving off. So in that, I guess it can be a good thing. But the sad thing is, I AM covering up some real insecurities that really need to be addressed in order for me to become the woman God created me to be.

Like many other woman, I suffer with body image issues (which probably accounts for about 45% of my insecurities) and stems from my childhood. Also, like many other people, I have issues with wanting the approval of man and feeling inadequate. That’s probably the greatest amount of my struggles. I know I shouldn’t want that, crave that so much, or even doubt that I am loved, but on so many levels, I do want that and I do doubt that. I was hurt a lot as a kid by “friends” and even, at times, family- taking advantage of me and making fun of me- the real me. So at some point I decided the “real me” was no longer good enough and I decided I would become someone people can like. I tried to be funny, but I’m not as funny as I’d like to be. I tried to be wise (but ha! That’s a gift, not something you can create). I tried to be generous and thoughtful and smart and creative... I tried to be physically perfect, I tried to be all of these things that are just not me (the real me). ON some level, I am little pieces of all of these things but when it all comes down, I don’t even know who I really am, and it bothers me.

I started thinking- how can I be this woman, this teacher that I want to be if I don’t even know who I really am? That would make me a hypocrite and I know for certain that’s not what God created me to be. So over the next few weeks, months... I will be doing some major changing, some major soul searching. I want to find out who I am and why I am here. I want to take off all of my masks and be real for the first time in my adult life.

Is this going to be difficult? Certainly. There is always pain when you grow, but the end result? Growth. Maturity. Development. God wants to use me; He wants to grow me, to lead me- the REAL me, not the me I pretend to be.

SO I’m not sure what I’ll look like when I am done, but I just feel like this has been a long time coming and I would so much rather live a life of obedience than a life of comfort- even if it means not everyone will like me (as if they did now... ha!) And even if it means I am a little more grown up (hello!) And even if it means I am not who I once thought I should be- because I am certain the person God created me to be is a far better person than this person I have been trying to be. I am sure she has a better relationship with her kids and with her husband. I am sure she doesn’t get bothered by gossip about her or by the fact that not everyone likes her. I am sure she knows how to really love people and to be in love with her creator. And I am sure she recognizes where her true beauty lies... not in the opinions of man or in having the perfect body or in the things of this world, but her true beauty comes from God. I am certain she is confident in that and it’s more than enough to erase all of her past... Ya... I’m ready to become that woman. 

The Battle and The Victory

Wow. Can I just say this has been a week!!! (obviously, not referring to the current week since it just started…) I am referring to last week. During the course of the week, I endured some annoying physical pain, sickness, drastic mood swings (part of being a girl) and really, clearly saw God grab ahold of me. It was an emotionally draining week, but an amazingly strong week of growth for me. At the beginning of the week, I was living in my own strength and by Thursday I was completely exhausted and out of my own strength- that’s when I completely surrendered it to God. For the first time that week, I was able to fight off the enemy consciously and courageously. I refused to give in to the attack. I refused to allow the enemy to have control over my mind here at work, at home, and in between, and God had the victory! I LOVE when that happens.

So I know it all sounds really broad and confusing because I am not giving specific detail. I am not giving specific detail because I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary in this case and would do no good at all. But let me just say, my God is faithful, my God is strong. My God loves me and my God saved me! I cannot stop praising Him for answering my prayers- He came to my rescue when I needed Him most and for that, I owe Him my life, my all.

That is where I am right now… I am curious to see what the rest of this week holds… the attacks just keep on coming and I am loving it because every time the enemy tries to move forward on my heart and in my head, I am forced to turn to and rely on God- which, in turn has brought me closer to Him, more dependant upon Him, and is bringing me back where I have wanted to be for so long- at His feet, completely surrendered… what a journey! 

Long Time, No Blog

So, I have been at work for about a month now (5 weeks tomorrow to be exact) and have loved most every minute of it (except that part where I am away from my kids 11 hours out of every day). On the whole, it's been really good for me: good for me to be away from home, I think because it gives me a renewed perspective on being a mom and a wife and just on life in general. Before I went back to work, I am pretty sure I was going down a scary path towards depression. I (like many other at-home-moms) sort of lost my sense of purpose and started feeling lost in the job of being a mom or being a wife. I lost my self and became afraid I wouldn't recover. That's not why I went back to work, but being here has sort of awakened me and given me time to reflect and to kind of re-establish who I am.

I know this much about my self- I am not just Christi Muhle (Kyle's Wife) or Christi Muhle (mom of 4) or Christi Muhle (working woman). What I have been learning and what means the most to me is that I am Christi Muhle- Child of God. There is no title I'd rather own, and no title I am more relieved to carry.

So while learning all of this, I have been away from the blog. I don't know if it's a lack of time or a lack of interest or what. I do know there is so much going on in my mind and in my heart and I want to share it all with you, but for now, I must return to my work. Be looking for more updates. My brain is literally flooded daily with thoughts, bits and pieces, and words of wisdom that I can't wait to share here. SO, welcome back to my blog. :)

Where DO babies come from mommy??? "um..."

So tomorrow is Trinity's birthday. She will be a whole six years old. The school nurse called while I was working out today and told me Trnity was running and fever and I needed to come get her. When I picked her up, she was crying and complaining of a headache, so I took her home and babied her and we have pretty much been hanging out all morning since then.

A while ago she was coloring and I was working in my office and she starts this conversation that I am so just not ready to be having wth my six year old (who, in my eyes, will always be five or younger...) She asked me how my stepdaughter and her could be sisters when they came from two different mommies. I explained to her that they shared the same daddy and she said, "well, how does that happen? How do babies get made?" HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!! And there it was. THE question I have avoided for so long. Not that I mind talking about it at all- in fact, most any of my friends will tell you I encourage talking about it in a healthy way and I encourage IT in marriages all of the time. The problem with this story? Kyle and his ex were never married so instead of just saying that they loved eachother, got married, and had a baby and just leaving it at that, I actually have to make an effort, offer more details than I want to, and try my darndest (without giggling or blushing and sounding like I have no clue what I am talking about) and explain to her a little about the birds and the bees.

So what did I say? I'm not really sure (because in some part of my mind, i am still in shock), except I can vivdly remember saying "um..." quite a bit and stumbling wldly over my words. My heart was racing and I just couldn't spit the words out fast enough- when there were words. So somehow I gave her a simple answer and she went on to take a nap without probing too much. My next thought was- when IS it time to start telling her these things? I never really want to see her as old enough to know this information so I am kind of in denial. I don't want to give her information she is not mature enough for or just not ready to hear but on the other hand, I don't want anyone else giving her false or misguided information or telling her things I should have told her. I just want her to stay as innocent as she can for as long as she can, you know?

So I guess I will pray about it. I will pray that God gives me wisdom and discernment with how much information is too much and what I should say vs. what I should not say- when will it be time for her to learn about my testimony (I mean, as soon as she really starts to understand math, it wont take her long to figure out she wasn't exactly a honeymoon child) Sooooooooooooooo.... wow. What a day! This morning when I sent her off to school, we were celebrating her last day ever as a five-year-old, and now we are entering into the realm of "Big Kid World"... oh why can't they just stay babies forever? :)

Happy (Early) Birthday to Jacob

So, my baby is about to be a whole year old... I cannot get past the thought. I can remember a year ago- everything that was going on with us, the fear, the frustration and the doubts that he would survive- the overwhelming dreams I had that nearly took my breath away and stole so much joy from those final few weeks before my precious child was to be born. But as I sit back and think over the last year, I can see God's hand in everything- every single breath that baby has taken is because of God and so as we approach his birthday, I just want to praise God for this perfect little miracle. Jacob is such a tremendous blessing in my life. He makes me laugh, makes me cry (tears of joy), he is full of life and spunk and joy and personality. He wakes us up most mornings with some sort of wild animal sounds and when we go to his room, he is always there standing in his crib with the greatest smile. He is a precious gift from God and so I praise Him- the author and creator of life. I was in shock when I found out I was pregnant (actually all three times, but this time in particular). I was sure we were done having children, but God had another plan and as I look back over the last year, I can see how God has used Jacob already. I can't wait to see what else is out there for my little man. However God chooses to continue giving him life, I pray He would always be used of God, for God. He is an amazing little man. Happy early birthday Jacob.

If my people...

The verse goes "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." (2 Chronicles 7:14). I was thinking about this today in the context of everything that has been going on with our nation, with our world, with the economy, with the new president coming in, with all the unrest overseas... I was thinking about how far from God we all had come and how much I knew He wanted to heal us and bring us peace finally.

If my people, who are called by my name will humble themselves- that means get out of our own way. Stop trying to control the economy, stop trying to control the outcome. Truly humble ourselves and put God back where He belongs- On His throne, in complete control. He has always been there, but we have been so confused for so long to think that we, somehow, can control situations that he have absolutely no control over, what-so-ever. So we need to humble ourselves and...

And pray!!! PRAY!!! Where did that go? How have we become so far removed from prayer? I remember the first time I heard that they were no longer going to allow prayer in schools. I knew then, in that moment, that the our nation was starting down a path of moving away from God and that we would never be the same unless we somehow brought prayer back into our lives and made it a priority. It's funny to me- I have this odd sense that somehow I can fix things, so I don't always pray. And then there are times when prayer is just what I do and part of who I am and God just seems to move in my life during those times. In my own life, I, too have turned away from prayer and from really trusting God until we come under fire or there is some crisis in my life. But what God wants is for us to comepletely humble ourselves and pray and...

And turn from sin and our wicked ways. Wow. That is a little convicting really. Not that I am some super wicked woman, but I do struggle with sin in my life- some of it I have yet to really turn from. I am guilty of sometimes getting caught up in a pattern of asking for forgiveness and never really turning from some sins. God wants us to comepletely turn from that sin and from our wicked ways- stop doing what we are doing, ask God for forgiveness- admit we were (are) wrong, and really turn toward God, making efforts to honor Him, to live a life that completely brings Him honor and glory... then...

Then He will hear us and will heal our land!!! Two things- Not that I think God isn't listening to us. I think He is, but I think there is a difference between listening and hearing. I think He listens to everything our hearts feel and our minds conceive, but I think when He hears us, He really hears us with His heart and His heart can be moved to action... I think. I am not a scholar, but that is my simple thought. Next thought- He will heal our land. Can you even imagine what our land will be like when God is in control and He reaches down to heal us? I cannot even begin to fathom how awesome that time will be, but I certainly am excited for when that day comes. I imagine there will be a time of feasting after the famine. There will be a time of families coming together after so many have broken apart. There will be a time of sons and daughters honoring their parents and people respecting their leaders. I know one day every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Christ is Lord, but I truly believe before then, we will have a peace in our nation- and no one will be able to explain it except to say that it was from God. I know people will try to explain it, but God's people will know the truth.

So what does all of that mean? It's time to pray- to really, fully, truly, humble ourselves and give it all over to God. We have been holding on to our false sense of control for way too long.

My New Year's Resolution

Last year was a very interesting year for me. I made tons of resolutions and in the tradition of resolutions, I only kept one of my resolutions- to work out more and lose weight. During the course of last year, I became a runner and a swimmer and from the day I delivered my son to today, I lost about 60 pounds. I still have quite a ways to go, but it's the first year have actually followed through with a commitment. So this year I figured I would narrow the list a bit so it's less overwhelming and more attainable. So what, you ask, is my resolution this year? It's simple- two words that will forever change the person I am today. The two words: HONOR GOD. My New Year's resolution for 2009 is to Honor God. It's simple and complex, but I have a feeling it's going to be the greatest commitment I have ever made and it will not only impact me, but it could have a huge ripple affect on those around me as well.

Why did I chose something so broad? The answer- because up until this point in my life, I can look back and see so many times where I have been living for my self- and not for anyone else and I truly, in my heart of hearts, believe it's time for all of that to change. God did not put me here on the Earth to live, to enjoy life, and to die. There is a greater calling on my life and I figure this is the year I turn 30- it's time for me to grow up.

So how does this look in every day life? Well, I was just talking to my husband about this last night. I was saying to him: imagine if those two words were on the forefront of my mind every day, all day. When I was in conversation, my thought would be "am I speaking to bring honor and glory to my self, or are the words coming out of my mouth going to honor God?" And when I address my children and my husband- "Honor God. Is the way I am treating this person right now going to honor God?" And when I go to eat (something I struggle with): "Is this going to honor God, or it is merely going to bring me temporary pleasure?" And when I work out and I start to do too much: "Is this going to honor God with my body, or am I only seeking self glorification?" I think there is a really fine line and there is also a really good compromise. I know there is a time for enjoying food, a time for working out hard, a time for disciplining your children and needing to be firm with them. I know there is a time and a place for all of these things, but in moderation and with wisdom and discernment.

So that's what I hope to achieve in 2009. There are so many areas that this can affect and my prayer is that every single area would have God's blessing. I will keep you updated- this is quite a journey and will be quite a year. :)

A Dirty Job

There is this show on television that my husband just loves called Dirty Jobs. I hate it- it's disgusting and totally a "man thing". So anyway, I was going about today, doing my motherly duties and it hit me. MY job is a 'dirty job'. At least for today. For the millionth time, my kids have the stomach bug in one form or another. It's disgusting. Jacob has the bottom end and it's EVERYWHERE. Because of my lovely OCD, he must have had 5 baths yesterday (trust me... he NEEDED them.) But I wonder if his tummy problem isn't really more related to food allergies. I am going to try to wait it out and see. Then there's my other awesome son. He came into our room the other night at 3:30 and laid it all out... on my bathroom floor. That's right. There's nothing like the permeating smell of vomit to get you moving at 3:30 in the morning. So I wondered if I didn't clean well enough the last time we had the bug, but seriously- I bleached and scrubbed and disinfected EVERYTHING a couple of weeks ago when everyone in the world was sick. So, maybe it's this random new strand of the bug that, once it seems to have gone, really gets a kick out of suprising you about a week later. That may be more the case. I have heard of several families this past week who have had just that scenario... so maybe.

Either way, it's nasty. I have had enough cleaning and scrubbing and bleaching and disinfecting to last me a lifetime... but I know it's not over. Argh... and gag! Well, like the saying goes it's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. And honestly, I don't think I would want anyone else to do it but me. :) I love these angels and I love cleaning up after them... noseplugs and all.

All Grown Up...

Well, we knew it had to happen sometime. I was just sitting in Trinity's room with her and she was reading to me. You read that correctly- SHE was reading to ME. What the heck? When did she grow up? And then a few days ago, we realized our Timothy is now fully potty trained- that's right- no more pull ups! The impossible has now become the possible and my babies have become children. At least I still have one baby- who knows what his next big accomplishment will be? I am still dumbfounded with the week we have had. I really truly thought I would be changing Timothy's diapers long after he started school, but no more. No more pull ups! No more wondering if my little boy will ever be able to accomplish this feat. I am overwhelmed with excitement and with gratitude.

This may not seem like a big deal to you, but I prayed last week for complete healing for my son. I prayed he would be healed of what ever seemed to be wrong with him. I prayed God would work in his little mind and in his little body and completely heal him so that he could become the man God created him to be. After the prayer service- I think the next day, my son "pooped" in the potty for the first time and has not had one accident since then (completely not normal for him) This is huge for me- for us. The timing is such and he is showing so many signs of improvement that I cannot help but see God in such a big way. I see God's hand all over him and I am just completely humbled by His power, by His healing touch. I am amazed and excited to see what happens next with my little man.

So ya, it's been a week- but a good one. My little girl has a phenomenal capacity for learning and has just astounded me with her accomplishments. Jacob and Timothy are not far behind her. How exciting to be able to be here with them, watching them grow and learn and become little people- little independant people. What a blessing! This season I have so many reasons to be thankful but right now I am most thankful for my little angels and everything they are becoming day by day. Praise God, oh praise Him!

An Epiphony

And then lightning struck my brain:

"Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

So it hit me. If I spent more time praying- like about EVERYTHING, then I wouldn't feel the need to share nearly as much because I would have layed it at Christ's feet and not be carrying this burden. I wouldn't be so "weighed down" emotionally that I always felt the need to tell everyone every last detail of my life. I would feel joyful because I would know that at the foot of the cross is where I laid all my burdens down- and then I would want to pray some more... and it would be this cycle. And then my instinct would be to pray, rather than to share and to ask for prayer.

Hmmmmm.... could it really be that I am growing up?

Purging... cleansing... sharpening

A good friend of mine had a talk with me today- it was about some areas I need to grow in. None of them was really news to me, but not any easier to hear. It was a rough conversation and I am not sure how I reacted. I know God is growing me and trying to purge everything in my life that is not of Him. I appreciate that and I accept this purge. It just hurts. I have to learn how to be less vocal, less opinionated (or at least keep them to my self). I have to learn how to think and pray before i speak. I have to learn to stop over sharing and just use wisdom and discernment to tell me when enough is enough. I need to maintain an attitude of prayer and stop putting my needs out there for everyone. I should just trust God and my husband with most of them and keep some things sacred.

All of these things I have thought several times before, but my friend- who has often been iron to me, to help sharpen me and encourage me, trusted God and came to me with these things hoping and trusting that they would be well received out of her heart of love. I appreciate it. I love that God has used her to encourage growth and a deeper level of intimacy with Him. I just hadn't realized how offensive or annoying some of these traits can be to others and now I realize there is so much work to be done in me. Not that I ever thought or assumed I had it all together- I just had no clue because... truth be told... I have kept a distance from God because secretly I was a little depressed about everything. So while maintaining a healthy attitude on the outside, I was really hurting on the inside and perhaps my means of expressing that was to just vent to everyone, everyone but God.

So, ya, I'd say I have a lot to work on, starting with surrendering this "control" I like to pretend I have, and putting back in God's hands, where it truly belongs. What a scary place this world would be if we all had control... thank God that He is King and He reigns!