Where DO babies come from mommy??? "um..."

So tomorrow is Trinity's birthday. She will be a whole six years old. The school nurse called while I was working out today and told me Trnity was running and fever and I needed to come get her. When I picked her up, she was crying and complaining of a headache, so I took her home and babied her and we have pretty much been hanging out all morning since then.

A while ago she was coloring and I was working in my office and she starts this conversation that I am so just not ready to be having wth my six year old (who, in my eyes, will always be five or younger...) She asked me how my stepdaughter and her could be sisters when they came from two different mommies. I explained to her that they shared the same daddy and she said, "well, how does that happen? How do babies get made?" HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!! And there it was. THE question I have avoided for so long. Not that I mind talking about it at all- in fact, most any of my friends will tell you I encourage talking about it in a healthy way and I encourage IT in marriages all of the time. The problem with this story? Kyle and his ex were never married so instead of just saying that they loved eachother, got married, and had a baby and just leaving it at that, I actually have to make an effort, offer more details than I want to, and try my darndest (without giggling or blushing and sounding like I have no clue what I am talking about) and explain to her a little about the birds and the bees.

So what did I say? I'm not really sure (because in some part of my mind, i am still in shock), except I can vivdly remember saying "um..." quite a bit and stumbling wldly over my words. My heart was racing and I just couldn't spit the words out fast enough- when there were words. So somehow I gave her a simple answer and she went on to take a nap without probing too much. My next thought was- when IS it time to start telling her these things? I never really want to see her as old enough to know this information so I am kind of in denial. I don't want to give her information she is not mature enough for or just not ready to hear but on the other hand, I don't want anyone else giving her false or misguided information or telling her things I should have told her. I just want her to stay as innocent as she can for as long as she can, you know?

So I guess I will pray about it. I will pray that God gives me wisdom and discernment with how much information is too much and what I should say vs. what I should not say- when will it be time for her to learn about my testimony (I mean, as soon as she really starts to understand math, it wont take her long to figure out she wasn't exactly a honeymoon child) Sooooooooooooooo.... wow. What a day! This morning when I sent her off to school, we were celebrating her last day ever as a five-year-old, and now we are entering into the realm of "Big Kid World"... oh why can't they just stay babies forever? :)

Happy (Early) Birthday to Jacob

So, my baby is about to be a whole year old... I cannot get past the thought. I can remember a year ago- everything that was going on with us, the fear, the frustration and the doubts that he would survive- the overwhelming dreams I had that nearly took my breath away and stole so much joy from those final few weeks before my precious child was to be born. But as I sit back and think over the last year, I can see God's hand in everything- every single breath that baby has taken is because of God and so as we approach his birthday, I just want to praise God for this perfect little miracle. Jacob is such a tremendous blessing in my life. He makes me laugh, makes me cry (tears of joy), he is full of life and spunk and joy and personality. He wakes us up most mornings with some sort of wild animal sounds and when we go to his room, he is always there standing in his crib with the greatest smile. He is a precious gift from God and so I praise Him- the author and creator of life. I was in shock when I found out I was pregnant (actually all three times, but this time in particular). I was sure we were done having children, but God had another plan and as I look back over the last year, I can see how God has used Jacob already. I can't wait to see what else is out there for my little man. However God chooses to continue giving him life, I pray He would always be used of God, for God. He is an amazing little man. Happy early birthday Jacob.

If my people...

The verse goes "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." (2 Chronicles 7:14). I was thinking about this today in the context of everything that has been going on with our nation, with our world, with the economy, with the new president coming in, with all the unrest overseas... I was thinking about how far from God we all had come and how much I knew He wanted to heal us and bring us peace finally.

If my people, who are called by my name will humble themselves- that means get out of our own way. Stop trying to control the economy, stop trying to control the outcome. Truly humble ourselves and put God back where He belongs- On His throne, in complete control. He has always been there, but we have been so confused for so long to think that we, somehow, can control situations that he have absolutely no control over, what-so-ever. So we need to humble ourselves and...

And pray!!! PRAY!!! Where did that go? How have we become so far removed from prayer? I remember the first time I heard that they were no longer going to allow prayer in schools. I knew then, in that moment, that the our nation was starting down a path of moving away from God and that we would never be the same unless we somehow brought prayer back into our lives and made it a priority. It's funny to me- I have this odd sense that somehow I can fix things, so I don't always pray. And then there are times when prayer is just what I do and part of who I am and God just seems to move in my life during those times. In my own life, I, too have turned away from prayer and from really trusting God until we come under fire or there is some crisis in my life. But what God wants is for us to comepletely humble ourselves and pray and...

And turn from sin and our wicked ways. Wow. That is a little convicting really. Not that I am some super wicked woman, but I do struggle with sin in my life- some of it I have yet to really turn from. I am guilty of sometimes getting caught up in a pattern of asking for forgiveness and never really turning from some sins. God wants us to comepletely turn from that sin and from our wicked ways- stop doing what we are doing, ask God for forgiveness- admit we were (are) wrong, and really turn toward God, making efforts to honor Him, to live a life that completely brings Him honor and glory... then...

Then He will hear us and will heal our land!!! Two things- Not that I think God isn't listening to us. I think He is, but I think there is a difference between listening and hearing. I think He listens to everything our hearts feel and our minds conceive, but I think when He hears us, He really hears us with His heart and His heart can be moved to action... I think. I am not a scholar, but that is my simple thought. Next thought- He will heal our land. Can you even imagine what our land will be like when God is in control and He reaches down to heal us? I cannot even begin to fathom how awesome that time will be, but I certainly am excited for when that day comes. I imagine there will be a time of feasting after the famine. There will be a time of families coming together after so many have broken apart. There will be a time of sons and daughters honoring their parents and people respecting their leaders. I know one day every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Christ is Lord, but I truly believe before then, we will have a peace in our nation- and no one will be able to explain it except to say that it was from God. I know people will try to explain it, but God's people will know the truth.

So what does all of that mean? It's time to pray- to really, fully, truly, humble ourselves and give it all over to God. We have been holding on to our false sense of control for way too long.

My New Year's Resolution

Last year was a very interesting year for me. I made tons of resolutions and in the tradition of resolutions, I only kept one of my resolutions- to work out more and lose weight. During the course of last year, I became a runner and a swimmer and from the day I delivered my son to today, I lost about 60 pounds. I still have quite a ways to go, but it's the first year have actually followed through with a commitment. So this year I figured I would narrow the list a bit so it's less overwhelming and more attainable. So what, you ask, is my resolution this year? It's simple- two words that will forever change the person I am today. The two words: HONOR GOD. My New Year's resolution for 2009 is to Honor God. It's simple and complex, but I have a feeling it's going to be the greatest commitment I have ever made and it will not only impact me, but it could have a huge ripple affect on those around me as well.

Why did I chose something so broad? The answer- because up until this point in my life, I can look back and see so many times where I have been living for my self- and not for anyone else and I truly, in my heart of hearts, believe it's time for all of that to change. God did not put me here on the Earth to live, to enjoy life, and to die. There is a greater calling on my life and I figure this is the year I turn 30- it's time for me to grow up.

So how does this look in every day life? Well, I was just talking to my husband about this last night. I was saying to him: imagine if those two words were on the forefront of my mind every day, all day. When I was in conversation, my thought would be "am I speaking to bring honor and glory to my self, or are the words coming out of my mouth going to honor God?" And when I address my children and my husband- "Honor God. Is the way I am treating this person right now going to honor God?" And when I go to eat (something I struggle with): "Is this going to honor God, or it is merely going to bring me temporary pleasure?" And when I work out and I start to do too much: "Is this going to honor God with my body, or am I only seeking self glorification?" I think there is a really fine line and there is also a really good compromise. I know there is a time for enjoying food, a time for working out hard, a time for disciplining your children and needing to be firm with them. I know there is a time and a place for all of these things, but in moderation and with wisdom and discernment.

So that's what I hope to achieve in 2009. There are so many areas that this can affect and my prayer is that every single area would have God's blessing. I will keep you updated- this is quite a journey and will be quite a year. :)

A Dirty Job

There is this show on television that my husband just loves called Dirty Jobs. I hate it- it's disgusting and totally a "man thing". So anyway, I was going about today, doing my motherly duties and it hit me. MY job is a 'dirty job'. At least for today. For the millionth time, my kids have the stomach bug in one form or another. It's disgusting. Jacob has the bottom end and it's EVERYWHERE. Because of my lovely OCD, he must have had 5 baths yesterday (trust me... he NEEDED them.) But I wonder if his tummy problem isn't really more related to food allergies. I am going to try to wait it out and see. Then there's my other awesome son. He came into our room the other night at 3:30 and laid it all out... on my bathroom floor. That's right. There's nothing like the permeating smell of vomit to get you moving at 3:30 in the morning. So I wondered if I didn't clean well enough the last time we had the bug, but seriously- I bleached and scrubbed and disinfected EVERYTHING a couple of weeks ago when everyone in the world was sick. So, maybe it's this random new strand of the bug that, once it seems to have gone, really gets a kick out of suprising you about a week later. That may be more the case. I have heard of several families this past week who have had just that scenario... so maybe.

Either way, it's nasty. I have had enough cleaning and scrubbing and bleaching and disinfecting to last me a lifetime... but I know it's not over. Argh... and gag! Well, like the saying goes it's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it. And honestly, I don't think I would want anyone else to do it but me. :) I love these angels and I love cleaning up after them... noseplugs and all.

All Grown Up...

Well, we knew it had to happen sometime. I was just sitting in Trinity's room with her and she was reading to me. You read that correctly- SHE was reading to ME. What the heck? When did she grow up? And then a few days ago, we realized our Timothy is now fully potty trained- that's right- no more pull ups! The impossible has now become the possible and my babies have become children. At least I still have one baby- who knows what his next big accomplishment will be? I am still dumbfounded with the week we have had. I really truly thought I would be changing Timothy's diapers long after he started school, but no more. No more pull ups! No more wondering if my little boy will ever be able to accomplish this feat. I am overwhelmed with excitement and with gratitude.

This may not seem like a big deal to you, but I prayed last week for complete healing for my son. I prayed he would be healed of what ever seemed to be wrong with him. I prayed God would work in his little mind and in his little body and completely heal him so that he could become the man God created him to be. After the prayer service- I think the next day, my son "pooped" in the potty for the first time and has not had one accident since then (completely not normal for him) This is huge for me- for us. The timing is such and he is showing so many signs of improvement that I cannot help but see God in such a big way. I see God's hand all over him and I am just completely humbled by His power, by His healing touch. I am amazed and excited to see what happens next with my little man.

So ya, it's been a week- but a good one. My little girl has a phenomenal capacity for learning and has just astounded me with her accomplishments. Jacob and Timothy are not far behind her. How exciting to be able to be here with them, watching them grow and learn and become little people- little independant people. What a blessing! This season I have so many reasons to be thankful but right now I am most thankful for my little angels and everything they are becoming day by day. Praise God, oh praise Him!

An Epiphony

And then lightning struck my brain:

"Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

So it hit me. If I spent more time praying- like about EVERYTHING, then I wouldn't feel the need to share nearly as much because I would have layed it at Christ's feet and not be carrying this burden. I wouldn't be so "weighed down" emotionally that I always felt the need to tell everyone every last detail of my life. I would feel joyful because I would know that at the foot of the cross is where I laid all my burdens down- and then I would want to pray some more... and it would be this cycle. And then my instinct would be to pray, rather than to share and to ask for prayer.

Hmmmmm.... could it really be that I am growing up?

Purging... cleansing... sharpening

A good friend of mine had a talk with me today- it was about some areas I need to grow in. None of them was really news to me, but not any easier to hear. It was a rough conversation and I am not sure how I reacted. I know God is growing me and trying to purge everything in my life that is not of Him. I appreciate that and I accept this purge. It just hurts. I have to learn how to be less vocal, less opinionated (or at least keep them to my self). I have to learn how to think and pray before i speak. I have to learn to stop over sharing and just use wisdom and discernment to tell me when enough is enough. I need to maintain an attitude of prayer and stop putting my needs out there for everyone. I should just trust God and my husband with most of them and keep some things sacred.

All of these things I have thought several times before, but my friend- who has often been iron to me, to help sharpen me and encourage me, trusted God and came to me with these things hoping and trusting that they would be well received out of her heart of love. I appreciate it. I love that God has used her to encourage growth and a deeper level of intimacy with Him. I just hadn't realized how offensive or annoying some of these traits can be to others and now I realize there is so much work to be done in me. Not that I ever thought or assumed I had it all together- I just had no clue because... truth be told... I have kept a distance from God because secretly I was a little depressed about everything. So while maintaining a healthy attitude on the outside, I was really hurting on the inside and perhaps my means of expressing that was to just vent to everyone, everyone but God.

So, ya, I'd say I have a lot to work on, starting with surrendering this "control" I like to pretend I have, and putting back in God's hands, where it truly belongs. What a scary place this world would be if we all had control... thank God that He is King and He reigns!

4 women... 2 hours... 1 amazing God.

So last night we had the first official women's prayer night. It wasn't a time for fellowship. It wasn't a time for getting to know others or for mingling. This was a time where we planned to join together in prayer for a time to petition God on behalf of our nation, our church, our families, and our friends. There were only four of us, but in retrospect, there were FOUR of us!!! Praise God! What I thought would last thirty minutes ended up lasting nearly two hours! I have NEVER prayed for nearly two hours before. I just don't normally focus well enough to be able to. But last night was so sweet, so precious. There were times that were more emotional than others, but it was absolutely perfect! I was a little intimidated because I am not normally comfortable praying aloud (for fear, I guess, of sounding stupid). But last night we all prayed out loud, and I know God was there. It was beautiful. It was amazing and I cannot wait to do it again. It shall be titled: 3rd Thursday. So next month, 3rd Thursday, see you there. :)

Overwhelmed...

So I have a grandmother that is going through the "fun times" of dimensia. She literally has probably only 20% of her day where she is lucid (meaning where she actually knows what is going on). I called her a while ago and she had no idea who I was and then asked me if I was coming to the funeral (referring to her own funeral). I told her I would come and she said, in a happy sort of way, "Okay good honey, well I'll see you then. Love you!" And then she hung up the phone. I wonder who suffers more when a family member goes through dimensia. Is it the person who is ill- do they really duffer? I mean half the time they are in their favorite places with their favorite people- so are they really sufferring or is it the family? We are all selfish and want to keep her with us here on earth- all the while hurting deeply because this person on the other end of the phone is no longer my grandmother- this is some child that barely knows who I am and always tells me her granddaughter is on the way to visit.

Talk about difficult. On top of this, I have a special needs child- and we are not exactly sure what his special need is, or if it's just a combination of things, but whatever it is, it's getting more and more frustrating to be his mom.... sometimes. Other times I am filled with this overwhelming love and affection and adoration for this precious, hillarious creature that God has blessed me with.

My mind is a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, feelings. Perhaps I am hormonal or perhaps I am just not doing very well with the whole surrendering thing. All I know is I am overwhelmed- and what I mentioned here doesn't even scratch the surface of what is going on in my mind. What a day... I am going to run.

Prayer Nights...

So I am starting a prayer night. I am NOT comfortable praying in front of others outloud... so I am starting a prayer night. Actually, I have been feeling this overwhelming feeling of a community-wide spiritual attack. I have felt it in our family and have seen it affect the lives of so many to the point where I realized we can no longr just sit back and watch it happen- we have to fight back. I am not sure how many people will come the first night (Thursday) or how long it will last. All I know for sure is there will at least be three of us and probably lots of uncomfortable silence as we approach the throne of God on behalf of our families, our community, our nation, and our world.

So keep me in your prayers. Keep Thursday in your prayers and if you can't be there to pray with us, join us in spirit. I cannot wait to see what happens when we pray and when God's power is unleashed. Thank you.

And We're Back!

So after a couple of weeks without power (no cable, no Internet... no distractions) we're back! Everything starts fresh today. We had the cable guy come out and fix everything that was awesomely messed up with our lines and now we have full Internet again so I can post away. In the mean time- while we did not have power, some very interesting and awesome things took place that I'd like to share here... and then I seriously need to get back to housework while I have no children. Yes, it's true- that disease is back- the one where I have free time and all I want to do is clean. Where did that come from???? I could so be reading or napping right now. Oh well. :) I love a clean house so this time will just be very fulfilling for me.

Anywho... while we were without power, we prayed, and we prayed and we prayed some more. We prayed for all sorts of things, but one big one for me, was that I would find a part time job. I REALLY wanted to be at the church and even if it was just for ten hours a week, I really felt like I would enjoy working there. So I started praying and an opportunity to help a friend who works there came up, but it wasn't paid. It was just a way that I would be able to bless her and take some of the stress off of her shoulders. So I jumped on it. This woman is precious and just works herself in to the ground sometimes. She is very committed to her job and very good at it. The downside is that she works all of the time and really didn't have any help. So it blessed my soul to be able to help her out- to make her smile.

I was just doing my thing, rolling along, and she asked if I would be interested in helping out for a little extra money. My heart skipped a beat and I told her I surely would. I knew it wouldn't be a ton, but at this point in our family, anything helps! So she said she would begin to search and see if she could find any place in their budget to hire me very very part time. It took a couple of weeks, but this past Thursday she said that she had worked out out to where I can now be a paid helper. Like I said, it's not a ton, but it's a double blessing! I get to help this woman and help my family at the same time! How exciting for me and for my Kyle. He paraded all weekend with a smile- it was a smile that reflected his pride in me and his gentle relief.

I feel like for so long we were under attack from the enemy. We almost gave in to the pressure and split a couple of times, but God used different people to encourage me, to pray with me, and to model Christ-like love and perseverance and God prevailed, chipping off bits and pieces of these walls we both had formed around our hearts and leaving us both with joy in our new found friendship with one another.

This didn't just happen because I started working a little. This happened because I chose to pray. I chose to seek God and what He gave me in return was my best friend back. I have my Kyle- the one I fell in love with. He is not perfect- nor am I, but our relationship has come through some seriously scary and doubtful times. God has begun the work of restoration on my husband's and my soul and I couldn't be more excited. So like I said, we're back- in every sense of the word. I praise God for Ike. I know there has been some major devastation but so much good has come out of this time as well. I have never spent so much time with my husband. I have never prayed so much and learned so much about the character of God. I have never had to trust Him so much and in return, I have never seen His face so much. I feel grateful- eternally grateful for having been able to go through this time with my family and friends. Ya, it was a little uncomfortable, but God has a way of moving us out of our comfort zones sometimes to see how we can best be used and without our complete lack of power, I never would have noticed certain things God did for us and certain areas He was working. So praise Him.

So glad to be back!

No School Like the Old School

I am at our church right now, on an office computer. Our home, like so many, is still without power. But I am not complaining. Seriously. Aside from smelly laundry and a clogged disposal that emits a certain unpleasant odor, the whole situation has really not been all too bad. In fact, I would even venture to say Hurricane Ike is probably one of the best things to ever happen to our family, to our community, to so many. The word community has begun to really resonate as families are forced to be away from their precious televisions and venture outside in to the unfamiliar territories that lurk within our neighborhoods. These territories are marked by unfamiliar faces living on 20 feet away. These faces belong to children my kids now call friends.

Who would have thought that only one week ago, my Trinity didn't even know how to ride a bike and now she is on her very own "big girl bike" without training wheels zooming down the street. Who would have thought my once shy daughter would ever make a friend on the street- let alone the near 20 friends that now seem to permanently occupy our driveway? I forgot what it was like to have a life outside of our home and our church. We have been so sheltered, we never even made time to realize there were precious people only feet away from us who could maybe use a little encouragement, a friendly hello, or some extra chicken that we had to grill from our now stale freezer.

I can remember "back in the day" when being outside was what we did. We didn't have the Internet and my mom didn't really allow us to watch much television. So my sister (hold your breath) actually read. She read books (you know, those things with paper and words...) And I was an outdoorsy kind of girl. I played outside until mom was screaming "time to eat!" I missed those days. I didn't even know I missed them until my kids grew in to them and now I was the mom screaming "Time to eat!" Wow. Thank goodness for no power. Thank God for Ike. In the midst of all of the destruction that surrounds us, we can see God's hand and I couldn't feel more blessed.

In the days to come I will post more of what I have been learning. It's been a very eye-opening week for me and I still have about 4 more days without power.

The Perfect Creamer

Seriously. Finally! I have found it! The perfect coffee creamer. I was a big fan of the cinnamon vanilla cream flavor but I ran out and while searching for a new flavor, I stumbled across this flavor yesterday and am now enjoying my second cup of decadence! The flavor is Vanilla Chai. It's soooooooooooooooooooo creamy and wonderful! Let's hope they don't discontinue this one with the other "experimental" flavors. :) I am off to finish my coffee and the next chapter of this amazing book I have started called Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. Check them both out for a duet of greatness. :) Have a wonderful day!

Life-breathing people

Can I just say I love how God works? I love how He sends people in to your life to encourage you, to lift you up, to breathe life in to your world when there seems to be none. I praise God for every friend He has brought in to my life that has helped to walk us through this situation and other times in our lives. I praise Him for using those people to be His hands and feet to us. I was so downtrodden, so depressed, so hopeless and God sent one person after another to pray with/ for us, to encourage us, to make us laugh, to offer wisdom, advice, and hope. It's been a great weekend. The situtation is not over yet but praise God there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Thank you, God for my friends. :)