Romance

So I was talking to my husband last night- actually, the conversation started while I was out with my girlfriends having coffee. We started discussing our parents, etc. Then a friend mentioned she wanted so badly while she was growing up to have her father in her life. She didn't just need him, she NEEDED him to be there, to want to spend time with her, to love on her, to play with her, to call her, to make an effort, to really just love on her. So I started thinking about my own two little girls. One of them does not live with us and has made it abundantly clear how much she needs her daddy- just by reaching out to older boys and men for attention. Right now she is six so this is still innocent, but Kyle and I discussed what happens when she gets older and still does not have that in her life. It could ruin her forever.

Do not misunderstand me- my husband is an AMAZING father. Unfortunately he has never dealt with girls and does not understand our deep seeded need for romance. His dad wasn't the greatest at showing affection so he struggles with knowing exactly what our girls need. Even at the tender age of five and six, we need romance. It's beautiful when we get older and we can turn to God for that, but while we are still little, our daddies are supposed to be that for us- they are supposed to be a human example of God's love for us. So Kyle and I were talking after I got home and we recognized how much our daughters need him to romance them. He decided he would start sending them both (even Trinity, who lives with us) cards in the mail and stickers and flowers on occasion. He will call them both and date them both. What a blessing he can be to our little angels!!! I love that he was so completely open to the ideas I had. I love that he is so eager to start learning how to speak their love language. I love that he is a strong example of the Father's love for us. I can not wait to see the affect his actions have on our girls long term. :)

SO join with me in praying for this new phase of parenting. Pray that we would not become discouraged or forget our goal. Pray that Kyle would truly start to see these precious angels as God sees them so he would continue to want to romance their little hearts. Pray that we would have new ideas constantly and our love for all of our children would grow exponentially trough this process. We already love them so much, but how much we love them is nothing compared to the love God has for them, for us, for you. I pray we would tap in to the love of God and that it would pour out onto all of our babies. What a precious gift our children are! What an awesome thing the love of Christ is. :)

Jacob at Two Months

He is two months old now- I can not believe it. I am dumbfounded actually. I don't remember where the time went. I am, however, excited to share these pictures of my little angel. He has started smiling and cooing. He is playful and precious! I love this stage- still so innocent and so perfect! He sleeps an average of 8 hours a night- Praise God! My little Jacob Tyler... what an angel.

Bad Wife

So, last night I was a bad wife. I went to look at a friend's brand new house and when I got home, I had unrealistc expectations of what should have been done by my husband. Since it wasn't completely finished, I decided I would do it. I had good motives when I started, but during the course of my cleaning, I got angry. I allowed Satan to get to me and I was overcome with anger. During this time my husband was watching television in the other room. I didn't even take in to account that he had worked hard all day long and was only just then getting his first break- whereas I had been relaxed most of the day. I got angry because I was doing all of the work by my self and I failed confilct resolution 101. Rather than praying about my heart and being selfless, I was feeling tired and allowed my anger to overcome my love for my husband. I lectured him- speaking to him like his mother, rather than his wife.

I soooooooooooo know better than this. Normally I would not even go there because I know that is not how to get him to respond and I also know that is completely disrespectful to him and disobedient to God. Men need to feel respected to feel loved so when I chose to lecture him and talk down to him, all he heard was that at that moment I did not love him. Even though my heart was screaming "I love you, I just need your help so we can spend time together tonight!" What he heard was "you lazy no good bum." NO those are not the words I used, but that's what he probably heard.

So while I was in the shower, I prayed over my heart and my attitude. I surrendered the evening to God and prayed that he would give me the words to say to apologize to my husband for my selfish behavior. When I got out of the shower Kyle was asleep but I couldn't hold it in. I woke him up and poured out my heart in apologies and love for him. Before I even got the first sentence out he apologized and we were able to recognize and acknowledge what had happened. We know because God wants to use both of us right now, we are likely to come under attack from the enemy. The enemy likes to sneak in to our minds and let the little things get to us. So even housework could have blown up in to a huge issue and have separated us for the evening. Instead, God took what might have been a terrible evening and turned it in to a night of blessing. All that was required of me was to realize I had been a "bad wife". I had to humble my self and surrender it to God. Onc that happened my attitude was completely humble and my feelings for my husband had become much more sympathetic and loving. All I wanted then was for him to feel loved and rested.

How cool it is when we live in His strength- how scary it is when we don't.

"All to Jesus, I surrender.... in His presence daily live."

Day 3...

So perhaps diet is not the best word for what I decided to do because if I was dieting then I would have cheated but since it is a lifestyle change I guess you can't really say i cheated. I made a commitment to eat better but snuck a few M&Ms for sanity sake. :) I think if you deprive your self completely of the things you desire then you will eventually go on a binge and just eat everything in sight. I am trying to make my body healthy from the inside out so I figure a few M&Ms didn't hurt that process at all- besides, they were dark chocolate... ha! Just kidding- I know by now you have learned to love that wonderful sense of humor. :P

Anyway, everything else seems to be going wonderfully. I must admit it is difficult to stay on the path of self control. I know I have it because God gives it to me. It's just a matter of choosing to let the Holy Spirit live through me instead of me living selfishly. What I am referring to at the moment is parenting. I love my kiddos but I struggle with the issue of self control when it comes to my temper. I would never hurt them but I sometimes find my self yelling or getting angry and that's not the kind of mom I want to be. I want to model self control for my kiddos so they, in turn, can model self control. So if I were to ask for prayer for one thing right now that would have to be it- my ability to surrender control of my self to Christ so He can live through me and make me the parent and wife God wants me to be.

That's all for today. More tomorrow. Keep the prayers coming! Thanks so much!

A New Beginning

If you read the previous post, you know that I talked about wanting a fresh start. I always like to start things at the beginning of a new week because it feels like a clean slate. So with this new week, my husband and I have started working out and eating right. I want to dedicate my body (and all it entails) to God and that means I need to start taking care of it. I gained more than my fair share of weight during my pregnancy and now it's time to get rid of it. I want to be healthy for my husband, for my children and for my self. Because I have a tendency to be a yo-yo dieter I have a new philosophy. Everything I do I will do in Christ's strength, not my own. So when I woke up this morning, I dedicated my day to Him- everything that today held, from being a mom and a wife to being a child of God. I wanted everything I did today to be in His strength.

How did the day go? Well, during the course of the day I lost my temper several times with my oldest son, but aside from that it was okay. I forget, sometimes that to live in Christ's strength, I truly have to surrender my independence. And I may have to do this several times a day until surrendering my self is second nature. In the mean time, I may struggle here and there, but I praise God for those times because they humble me and remind me I can not do it on my own. I read this quote one time- Anything that brings me to the foot of Christ I count as a blessing. So all of the times when I lose my temper with my three year old or when I feel like I want to eat everything in my house or be lazy rather than work out- all of those times, I will choose to come to the foot of Christ and lay it down so He can work and live through me. :) It's so much easier when He does all of the work- so why do I keep trying to do it on my own? Perhaps I will never know. I am just glad He is the one in control and not me. I am off to get ready for tomorrow- Day 2 of my new life.

Happy... Easter?

I was just thinking... this morning I woke up and got ready for church. I was in the same rush that I always find my self in. I hurried to get my shower, get my hair done, and get the baby ready so we could get out the door and to church in time for rehersal. I arrived at church and THEN it hit me- today is Easter. Not that I didn't recognize the day previously, but I had been so busy with getting ready and getting things done that I had not even acknowledged the significance of what today meant or who it was about. Until I arrived at church, the day had been all about me... once there, my focus completely changed. I realized why I was at church and to whom I was singing; my focused changed from me, me, me to Him in a matter of moments.

The theme at our church today was being made alive in Christ. I was thinking- when it's all about me, I am not truly ALIVE in Him. We have been given so much and He has done so much to show us His love and yet still we find ourselves asleep in Him. I want to be alive. I want to be outwardly focused, rather than inwardly focused- living a life that brings Him honor and praise. I want to become this woman, this loving, selfless, Christ centered, amazing wife and mother!!! I want to stay on the path that points me in the direction of true maturity in Christ, rather than just venturing off and on again as I please. I want this life I live to count for THE Kingdom. I want to live a life that exemplifies Galations 2:20-21 where it says "FOR I HAVE BEEN CRUCIFIED IN CHRIST AND I NO LONGER LIVE, BUT CHRIST LIVES IN ME. THE LIFE I LIVE IN THE BODY I LIVE BY FAITH IN THE SON OF GOD WHO LOVES ME AND GAVE HIMSELF FOR ME."

So my prayer is that rather than waking up and rushing to get ready, I would wake up and before I even get out of bed I would make the conscious choice to praise Him with my actions and with my words... to praise Him with my life!

God's provision

So I was thinking about answered prayer and everything we have seen God do. Then I thought- I should write it all down- everything that God has given to us and done for us. I have already written about the house and the donations involved with that. Now I'd like to share about some of the other things. When Jacob was born, we had not had a baby shower, no did we have anything we needed for a baby. We prayed and by this time, had learned to trust God as our provider. He knew we didn't have the money to buy all things baby and so trusting Him at this point, was our only option. The results of our prayers? Keep reading:

Before Jacob was born, we were blessed when a friend gave us back most of Timothy's old baby clothes, but they were out of season for Jacob as Timothy was born in June. So we just trusted God would provide, and He did. The first day in the hospital, friend after frind after friend came to visit, all bearing gifts. Each gift was something we needed, and by the time we left the hospital we had almost everything we needed for Jacob. At homegroup the following week, they had a diaper shower for us, bringing over a thousand diapers and several packs of wipes for my lil man. There were giftcards to purchase the little things and friends who lent or gave us the big things. To date, every single need we had has been met. Praise God!!! I want to shout it from the mountain tops! :) Hopefully this blog is loud enough. :P

God is our provider. God is my healer. He has met us where we are and has given above and beyond everything we needed. Even with this house- there are some little things I secretly wanted when we found a house but knew I would be okay if we did not get them. What did God do? He chose to lavish on us- I wanted 4 bedrooms, a garden tub, a backyard for my kids, a split, but open floor plan, an island in the kitchen, a big driveway for my kids, and plenty of room to entertain. We got all of that and more!!!! I am not saying God gave us these things because we wanted them, but I think (and this is just my opinion) that He loves to lavish on His children. I think He has tons of things He wants to give to us if we will just ask. I love to watch Him work, because we don't always feel like we deserve His gifts- that's when it's the sweetest. That's when it could only happen through Him. What an awesome God we serve! What an amazing, loving, generous, precious, amazing God we serve!!!

Ah the power of prayer

So I was thinking about everything that has happened to us over the past few months and I have to say this: "Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above ye Heavenly hosts. Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost! amen." Honestly- I can not think of enough words to say thank you to God for all He has done for us. Our lives have been changed as we have been blessed by His love.

Now to tell the story: Last May we found out we were expecting our son Jacob. We had only major medical (which does not at all help to cover prenatal care or childbirth). I quickly dove deep in to depression. I was concerned about how things would work out, both financially and physically. I had just lost close to 40 pounds and was feeling great and looking good for the first time since before my daughter was born. I, selfishly, did not want to let go of that or of the stability we seemed to have finally found financially. So many nights I could be found crying my self to sleep. I had so many different ideas of where we would be and what we would be doing,and none of those ideas included have yet another child. Was I ready for this??? I didn't think so, but God had another plan. In the mean time, I stayed in the pit of self pity. I began to ignore my kids and my husband and focused on being insanely uncomfortable with morning sickness. I could not see how this would work out. Right around 16-20 weeks of pregnancy, I realized what a strong grip God had on my life. I had been so sick for 4, almost 5 months, and God gave me a peace. He answered the prayers of my little girl and brought me rest when I needed it most. It was after seeing Him work through her prayers that I started to trust Him- to really want to trust him for the first time in my life.

I began to challenge friends to join me in praying for everything- big and small. I knew God wanted to work through us and He wanted to bless us by answering our prayers. So then came the challenges. In November, things got a little shaky financially for us. My husband's job is 100% commission so we never know from one week to another how much he will make and if we will even have money to pay the bills and eat. It can be scary, but God showed us He's bigger than our finances. He showed up in amazing ways, starting with a few gift cards we received anonymously in the mail. They were always just enough to help out when we needed it most. What a blessing!

Then came the big day in January when my little Jacob was to be born. If you remember from previous posts, I was overcome with an almost paralyzing fear. I had allowed Satan to have control of one area of my mind and I could not shake the fear that death was coming- either to my self or to my Jacob while on the operating table. I would wake up in cold sweat night after night feeling sick to my stomach from the nightmare. No matter what I did, I could not shake the fear and was certain something terrible was happening. I remember 2-3 days before he was born, I had an emotional breakdown. I could not live with the fear that something was going to happen. I cried for hours, eventually crying my self to sleep. Then I shared my fears with a friend who prayed for me. Immediately I was granted peace. Not just a peaceful feeling, but true peace. I had been released from the fears that so entangled me and covered with the peace of God. What a blessing! So while I was on the operating table, it happened- my heart rate started to drop and I just "knew" I was about to die. This is not me being a hypochondriac- this is me having felt certain that it was my time to go. I cried out to God to save Jacob and to help me. Immediately after I prayed that, the doctors pulled out my perfectly healthy ten pound, 2 ounce baby boy and my heart rate regulated! I was completely healthy and so was Jacob- PRAISE GOD!!!!

He hears our prayers and He answers them. Of this, I am confident! :) I know this has been a long post but, well, it's my blog. So... I HAVE share this one last thing. We were in an apartment and when Jacob came, we knew we would be out of room. So we started praying that God would provide us with a house. I had some specifics in mind that I secretly prayed for, but didn't necessarily have to have. I just wanted a bigger place for our family and mostly so my son Timothy would have much needed room to roam. We looked for a couple of months and either the houses were much too small for us or they were too expensive. I had a peace, though, that God was in control and He had a plan for us. When our lease was coming to an end, I started to get nervous that we might not find a place or that we couldn't afford it. The week before we moved, I went to the prayer service at our church. One of the prayer volunteers prayed for a miracle to happen. So the following week, we found a house that we wanted, we were approved, but we did not have the money for the down payment. Where did I turn? I turned to the only place I knew I would find an answer- I turned to God. He was the only one who could make this happen- and He did. He laid it on the hearts of two friends from church to take up a collection for us- sort of a "love offering". I don't know all of the details, but I do know they asked people to pray about their involvement in this and what was collected was the exact amount needed for the down payment for our home. All of that and we moved in the same week. What a blessing! God has totally blessed us. He heared our cries and even when we tried to do things on our own, as soon as we gave control back to Him, He worked perfectly.

I can not say that He always answers prayer the exact way we want Him to, but He does always answer them. I had no idea what a blessing this baby would be, but let me just tell you- we would not have moved out and we would not have learned to trust God without Him. Jacob is the prefect baby and we are finally in the perfect home. I am so Glad God is in control because His ways are perfect. In Matthew 7:7-11, His word says "Ask, and God will give to you. Search, and you will find. Knock, and the door will open for you. 8 Yes, everyone who asks will receive. Everyone who searches will find. And everyone who knocks will have the door opened. 9 "If your children ask for bread, which of you would give them a stone? 10 Or if your children ask for a fish, would you give them a snake? 11 Even though you are bad, you know how to give good gifts to your children. How much more your heavenly Father will give good things to those who ask him!"

So my response? Ask! HE wants to bless you! He wants to answer your prayers- most of all, He just wants you, all of you, to trust Him, to love Him, and to ask Him. He will be our provider, He is the Lord!

So it's been 2 months!

I can not believe Mr Jacob is 2 months old now! And even worse- I can not believe I have not posted a blog in 2 months- crazy! I might say it probably has something to do with that fact that I have a newborn. Or- probably even more likely- right after he was born, we spent that entire month packing and getting ready to move... that makes much more sense. :)

Anyhow, I have a two month old precious baby. Little Jacob Tyler is already sleeping through the night (9 hours last night!) What a blessing he is- truly! The entire experience has been amazing. I was so concerned during the birth process and God delivered me from that fear. He took care of Jacob and of mommy and gave us a perfectly healthy, perfectly wonderful angelic little baby. He cries only when he's hungry or poopy- it's awesome! Well, not true- lately he's started this cute thing. If you are playing with him and you walk away or lose eye contact, he lets out a gentle scream to remind you that he's there and wants your attention... so precious!

And now with Timothy- this week, we have been potty training. So far, so good. I don't know how long it will take, but I am anxious to be done with buying him diapers. I am anxious to not have to change any more poopy diapers and to not have to worry about whether or not his diaper leaked on the way home from school. All the way around, this will be a good thing. So we give him one M&M every time he goes 'pee pee' in the potty and a tootsie pop when he goes poo poo. I figured we had to 'up the anty' for the big stuff. We'll see how well it works. He hasn't pooped yet. I suspect his first time will be in his underwear, but maybe not. He's a smart lil guy. We just need to be consistent with him and he will conquer this.

Trinity is doing well- we are currently painting her room. We bought this gorgeous green and pink quilt for her bed and we decided to paint to match. So currently he room is this beautiful sage green with 2 pink polka dots. The idea is much easier than the execution so it may be an ongoing process. :) I had originally envisioned a green wall with different sizees of pink polka dots (2 different shades of pink). I will post a picture if/when we finish the room. Who knows? Perhaps tonight I will become inspired and just polka dot away!

Oh ya! did I mention we moved??? We are no longer in an apartment- God totally blessed us with a house right down the road from the apartment so we are still close to my husband's work. The house has four bedrooms and is very open. It's not huge as far as homes go, but it does have so much more room than our apartment had. I can honestly say it's perfect for us! We love it! When I walkd in on moving day I cried because it was so much better than I had remembered it being when I veiwed it. I felt like God had really blessed us with this and so now I feel like we should use it to bless others any way that we can.

It's been really neat to watch God's hand in all of this. A year ago I never would have imagined we would be where we are now, but lo and behold, God had a compleetly different plan for us than I did and of course, His plan was much better than ours. I am loving this. every day I wake up and feel so unworthy of the gifts we have been given, and yet so loved at the same time. It's surreal. What an amazing God we serve! What a blessing that He is in control and we are not!!! Oh praise Him!!!

NO BABY YET....

So we thought maybe last night they would have to do a C section. For those of you who do not know much about pregnancy, when your blood pressure rises, it can cause a condition called preeclampsia. If left untreated, preecclampsia can turn in to eclampsia- which can be very harmful to the mother- causing seizures, and even possible death. So at the first signs of preecclampsia when you are this far along, they usually just do a c section. We are scheduled to have a c section Friday and I am okay with waiting. Granted, I am uncomfortable physically and unrested, but still okay with waiting until the dr feels like Jacob us ready to come out.

I think, though, I am honestly comfortable with him coming today, too. We have everything planned out for this weekend regarding childcare, etc but I feel like our friends have been so loving, and so caring through this time that we would be well taken care of. I am not so concerned with where our children would go at this point. I was so afraid before because I didn't feel like we had enough of a support system to go in and not worry about where our children would go. I know it seems like I always talk about this, but perhaps it's because this is where I am in life right now- learning about God's provision and how much He cares for us. So I guess what I am saying is I feel like if something were to happen and they needed to do a C section in the middle of the night, we would actually be okay- for the first time in our married lives. I feel like we have a newly found family in our friends. We have a foundation- a beautiful foundation of friendships based on trust and love and encouragement and best of all, I feel like these friendships are direct gifts from God. We prayed for family. We prayed for acceptance, etc and this is what we ended up with- the most encouraging, loving, selfless, generous, caring group of friends we have ever known. I feel so blessed. Lately I always feel so blessed. Even when we have gone through trials and the unknown, I feel like God has carried us and used our friends to help light the way before us. It's so awesome.

So, baby? Not yet. But God has perfect timing and in His perfect timing we will meet our little guy and we will not worry about anything because God is in control- now and always. Thank you God for our friends, our family. Thank you for taking care of us and providing for even our smallest needs. Your love is amazing. Your love is complete. Only in you can we find this peace. Thank you.

BABY CLOTHES... 8 more days!!!!!

So I was in the mall today and had some extra money left on some gift cards. What did I do? I bought clothes for Mr. Jacob. I couldn't help it. He is going to be a big boy, I think, so I needed to find some sweet things for my little man. He has some of Timothy's old clothes, but Timothy was born in June, so most of his clothes were short sleeved and with the amazingly unpredictable weather, I wanted to make sure Jacob had plenty to wear. :) What's really funny is that now I am so much more giddy than I have been. I am insanely excited about meeting my little angel. As I type, one of his outfits is sitting on my desk just next to my left arm and occasionally I look over to see it and picture him in my mind. I imagine all of the wonderful things he will be. I can imagine his first smile, the first time I get to hold him, the first time he looks at me with his big baby blues (I am assuming they will stay blue). I like to think about the first time I hold him and get to love on him and I wonder how he will be. In my mind, I have this picture of this perfect little man (who looks oddly like his big brother). We shall see! Only 8 more days and then we get to meet. I can not wait for that moment when I am finally face to face with my perfect little man. AH!!! The joys of being a mom. :)

Husband Of The Year

Seriously. I have been thinking about all my husband has been doing to take care of me lately and I think he deserves some kind of award. Yes, I will admit, in the beginning it was difficult- the beginning of this pregnancy. I was used to doing EVERYTHING my self- cooking, cleaning, bathing and taking care of our children, running errands, etc. Then less than a month in to the pregnancy I started to get sick- noticeably sick. I was suddenly handicapped from doing my normal "wifely" and "motherly" duties. I kept trying to be that same woman, but honestly have not been back there since May of this past year- when we got pregnant. So I had ONE conversation with my husband- only ONE. I explained to him that I was not faking this pregnancy, nor could I continue to do everything on my own. Once he noticed how truly ill I was and how much I was used to doing on my own, he took the reigns. He stepped up and has been the most amazing and generous husband EVER!

I don't know if you know any men like him, but seriously- to my knowledge they are few and far between. I feel so blessed to have him, to know him, to have the privilege of calling him my own. I feel like I am bragging, and perhaps that's okay. I just want to write a tribute to him. I want people to know what he has done for me. He has been cooking almost every single meal for the last few months. He wont let me do much housework or chase the kiddos. He does EVERYTHING!!! When he comes home from work, he points to the couch and says "sit"... and I do. :) He is probably the main reason baby Jacob and I have survived this pregnancy. I feel like I want to shout to God- THANK YOU FOR THIS BLESSING OF A MAN! For so long I felt like I didn't deserve him because he was so good to me. Don't get me wrong- we have had our 'not-so-good-times', but on the whole I feel nothing less than completely blessed with the way our lives have turned out and with the marriage God has given us. This man... this man is everything I ever wanted and so much more. He is patient, he is loving, he is so gentle, so giving, so thoughtful, such a hard worker, so sweet, so considerate, such an amazing caregiver, so funny and SO HANDSOME, so energetic, so smart, so selfless, so much the man God intended for him to be. I only hope I can become that woman to him- that loving, generous, selfless, proverbs 31 woman that God designed me to be- the helper for my Kyle.

I am a work in progress, I know that. I am just so excited to have such a good example of what it really means to love someone. I think if in no other way, Kyle has been such a strong leader here. He has put aside all things of him self so that our children and I can be loved and taken care of. He is a servant hearted, loving man and I thank God every single day for placing him in my life. :) Someone said to me recently- "you guys are so young and have only been married how long?" My response "we are 28 and 25 and have been married 5 and a half years". This respectable man's response "I can not believe how you guys love each other- you seem to have it all figured out and at such a young age! My wife and I have been married almost 30 years and are just now starting to figure out what it means to really love each other." If I have ever felt complimented in my life, I would have to say that was most certainly the greatest compliment of all for me- that my husband and I have learned what it really means to love. I don't always feel that way- in fact, sometimes I feel like we are walking blindly through this relationship but then I look back at where we have been and it's just like the Footprints poem- I can see the times when we had the most troubles, when we felt all alone- those were the times when God carried us. He brought us out of the scary unknown and set us on a rock. He taught us how to love each other. He gave us a firm foundation for our marriage and we have been growing closer every since then. What an awesome God we serve!

Trinity's Birthday

So in 2 days my little girl will turn five years old. It just hit me- my baby girl- my little angel is officially a little girl- not a toddler anymore. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN????? I swear- I can look back and remember (vaguely) a time when she was not in my life, but it seems like it was forever ago. It seems like she has almost always been there with me, my precious little babe. I am kind of having a mom moment, you could say. It probably has a lot to do with my pregnancy, but I am emotional. The only other time I felt like this was 4 years ago- just before her first birthday.

On the one hand, I am so excited to watch her grow and blossom. She has matured and changed so much. She has brought our family so much joy. She is an angel to know and a joy to share this life with. Then on the other hand, I don't want her to grow any more. I feel like she can stay this age forever. I get excited to think about the woman she will become and my roll in helping to guide her there. But then I just get sad at the thought of my precious little princess growing up... I know most parents go through that at some point, but I didn't expect it until perhaps graduation or marriage??? :)

Ah, well. Its such a blessing to be me right now and to get to watch her, to get to know her, to really know her and to love her. I love that I get to spend every day with her, teaching, guiding, playing with, loving on, admiring this little gift that God gave us five years ago. I pray God pursues her all the days of her life and that she comes to know Him at an early age. I pray His hand is in her life until the day she goes to meet Him in Heaven. I pray we become the parents God wants us to be. I pray she grows up mature and filled with all of the wisdom and peace God can bestow upon her. I never thought it was possible to love a child this much, and then they put her in my arms and I experienced, for the first time, what God must feel like all of the time when He is holding us- that inexplicable feeling that you love this little creation so much. The love you feel almost can not fully be described in words, except to say I would do anything, ANYTHING for this child and I hope she always knows the love that I feel for her.

So that makes me wonder- does God feel that way about us? I bet. I bet He is holding us in His arms and my thought is that I want her to always know the love I feel for her. Even when she is not speaking to me. Even when she is angry or upset with me or is far away from me. Even when she can no longer see me, I want her to know how much I loved her. I bet God feels the same way about us. Even when we are mad at Him. Even when life hurts. Even when we feel so far away from Him. Even when we can't see Him through the shadows of life- He wants us to feel His love, to know He is here with us, to never let go of that first time we felt Him hold us- to return to that joy, the joy of the first love we ever felt- that unconditional love of a father, of THE father.

2 WEEKS AND COUNTING

So the big day is finally coming! Mr. Jacob Tyler will make his arrival 2 weeks from day at 10:00 in the morning. Assuming all goes well, we should be able to meet the lil guy around 10:30 that morning. I have mixed emotions. I am acutely uncomfortable so physically I am ready for him to come out. But then I have these other emotions- I am scared something might go wrong on the operating table or that there might be something wrong with my lil guy. I know those fears are not from God and are completely unjustified, but they are my fears, none the less. I want to let go of them, to be excited about the up-and-coming day, but for some reason, those deep fears remain embedded in the back of my mind. Perhaps I should just make the choice to ignore them. I should choose to be happy and excited regardless of what my simple mind tells me. I should just trust that God is in control and He knows the outcome and has planned that day. He knows my Jacob, has formed his little body in my womb. He knows the number of hairs that will be on his head and how many days Jacob will be with us. So perhaps instead of worrying about it, I should dedicate the next two weeks to praying about it. To loving my God and thanking Him for this wonderful creation- this little miracle that is about to enter our world. Perhaps I should sing praises when the doubts come in and give God back the victory over my mind. I believe in spiritual warfare. I have no doubt Satan would like nothing better than to steal the joy I should be feeling right now. I will pray against these simple fears and unjust doubts. And above all, i will choose joy- I will choose to give God the opportunity to bring us joy in this situation and I will choose not to let Satan have any part of this wonderful time. I am so glad we have choices like these. I am so blessed to know that my God is in control- even when I feel afraid, or unsure. I take comfort in knowing He is holding us and walking us through these uncertain times. I taught my little girl a verse for when she is afraid to go to bed at night and I think I should quote it even now: "The Lord is my helper, so I will not be afraid."

WOW! It's been almost two months since I last posted. I feel like it's been a whirlwind adventure, but also like time has been standing still. Every day seems to just drag on and on, and yet, each time I check the calendar I am dumbfounded by how much time has flown by us. I look now and see there are only 4 short weeks left until we welcome our newest little angel in to our world. Jacob Tyler is scheduled to arrive on or around January 25th by C section. I am really excited and really nervous at the same time. I feel ready emotionally (and definitely physically) but then again, I feel like we aren't ever truly going to be ready. I am still excited though. This seems very surreal to me. I thought we were done having children and then by surprise little Jacob came in to the picture. I had so many doubts that he would even make it through the first trimester that it doesn't feel like it' s really going to happen- that is, until I lay down each night to rest and am lulled to sleep by the sweet movements of my unborn baby. There are nights when I lay awake because the sweet movements turn in to Karate-type movements. ON these nights, I am granted the extreme pleasure of thinking back to when I was pregnant with two of our other children. I can remember endless nights with Trinity- who was (and still is) my little gymnast- even in the womb. And then there were the endless nights with Mr. Timothy who never seemed to be comfortable as long as I was comfortable- ha. Some things never change! :)

So anyway, later today or tomorrow I am planning on posting some really cool testimonies about how God has provided for us. Those times are what make time seem to be flying right by us. It's amazing to look back from where we are now and to see where God has carried us through things we never thought we could make it through. It's been amazing and I can't wait to share it. Unfortunately, it will have to wait a few hours. My precious babes need me and I want to play with them while I still have energy left in me today. God bless you...