NO LONGER I, The story of how God changed this life from the inside out

Mammograms, and Boobies, and Scans... OH MY!

2012-02-13T18:04:00.000-08:00

So I went to the breast and bone imaging center today. I was scheduled for an ultrasound on the right breast. Instead, they decided it would be ever-so-much-more fun to have me do a mammogram first. You know, squeeze the life out of your girls before they scan them. I'm convinced the doctors do this so your girls don't put up a fight during the scan. So much fun. Like trying to make balloon animals out of your breasts while you stand there and try not to breathe. I think I'll plan one again soon- like a vacation for my boobies (there's a word I never thought I'd use in my blog).

But seriously. It really wasn't that bad. I kept hearing all of these horror stories about mammograms, and that just wasn't my experience. I had a great technician who made me feel very comfortable (except for that whole "I think my breast may explode" thing). And when all was said and done, I felt good about having had my first scan out of the way.

Of course, I could have done without the awkward waiting room. It was like sitting in a spa with a room full of half dressed women. Only there was no spa portion of the afternoon. I wrestled with my robe so I wouldn't flash the entire room and I think I finally found a position that only exposed half of the girls to a small portion of the room. It was my Pamela Anderson moment... only there was no beach and I wasn't jogging in slow mo with a fake tan and too much hair spray. But other than that...

So anyway, we finished up the mammo and then I waited. Again. And then they brought me back to the ultrasound room where they scanned the breast area and the lump area and the radiologist came in to discuss her findings with me. She said she believed what she was seeing was a nasty infection. Seriously. After waiting three hours in this place filled with breast cancer posters and literature, I was 100% CONVINCED that when she came in, she would tell me I had some form of breast cancer. No, not because I'm a hypochondriac, but because I had read so much on the internet and in the waiting rooms, that I had convinced myself that all of my symptoms were related and I was going to be told I had breast cancer. But instead, when she came in, she said the boobies are all clear! (Yes, I'm a little immature and I just said boobies for effect).

But that's right. NO CANCER. NOTHING SERIOUS!!!

I mean, the infection is deep enough to require a small surgery to drain it, but it's NOTHING compared to what my brain was prepared to hear! :) Can I get a hallelujah?!?

I thought I might feel silly if I found out it wasn't serious because there has been sooooooo much going on with me the past few months and surely people were over the drama, right? But in reality, it was scary thing to go through and people were right there, praying with me/for me, walking through this with me. It was real-life and really terrifying. It was a week I'd like to never again repeat. But it was also a week where real prayer warriors showed up stood in the gap, helping to bring peace to my heart and to our home.

So I wanted to take a minute to say thanks for walking through this with me. Thanks for praying. I mean it. I've been overwhelmingly blessed by your e-mails, phone calls, texts, and FB messages.

So for now- have a wonderful evening! I'm going to go cuddle up with my zebra-print snuggie and a book and thank the Lord for my health!

No longer paranoid.

No longer alone.

No longer I,

The real life, healthy mom. :)

In Good Hands

2012-02-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

Have I ever told you that I'm a control freak? I'm certain there's a better term for it, but control freak is the best thing my mind can compose at the moment, so let's go with it.

Anyway, I forget exactly when I discovered the nuisance under my arm pit. I do remember it was only this past week so I didn't think it was anything of concern. But then I realized what you can see is somewhat like an iceberg. Surface level, there is an infection- this much I can see. But I think this infection might be there to signal us to what is really going on. There's a Cadbury Egg shaped (and sized) lymph node under this little cyst-type thing on my arm. So when I say it's like an iceberg, I mean that what's actually there is so much larger than what is on the surface. It's a little intimidating- especially at night when the house is quiet and I have nothing to do but sit and let my mind wander.

The cyst-like thing on the top is tender, but the lymph node is large, very hard, and not tender. All of this combined with a few other symptoms makes one a little more on edge than normal. I'm not sleeping, definitely not resting, and just... disturbed. This week seems to be going by in slow motion.

Monday at 1:00 is the ultrasound. That's 48 hours away. 48 hours to sit and think... and wait. They said I should know a little more after that and hopefully the blood work will return by then as well.

In the mean time, I'm going CRAZY! I do not like the feeling of not being in control. Have I ever mentioned to you that I don't drink? Well, I do on occasion- when we're celebrating or enjoying the company of our friends, but I discovered at an early age (I think I was 17... and I don't think I ever told my parents until right now) that I didn't like the way being drunk made me feel, so I resolved that if I chose to drink, it would only be one or two drinks at the most. I. like. control... or at least I think I do.

I don't like the unknown is probably a better way to put it. In reality, none of us is actually in control (and so thankful we are not). Control is an illusion that I like to play into when I let my mind wander. I like to imagine I've got it all "under control" when really our world can be spinning out of control at excessive speeds.

Thankfully, though- I can remember this. The maker of the Heavens and the Earth- HE is the one in control and HE knows what I will find out this next week. HE knows if there is something legit going on with me or if I'm just over-reacting. HE knows what will happen today and tomorrow and everyday until the end of time. So please tell me- why am I worried again? He's got the whole world in His hands, right? And I'm still in that world... so...

So no more worrying. NO more freaking out. I mean, I'm human, so the thoughts will come. I know worry will come, but I'll choose to take back these thoughts and process them in a healthy manner- by surrendering them and combating them with scripture and with truth. Yes, some ideas of what could really be going on are scary, but even if something real is brewing in there... He's got this. HE'S. GOT. THIS. And even if I'll look like a fool in a few days for being so paranoid about it, HE'S. STILL. GOT. THIS.

Here are some scriptures I found while trying to approach this from a healthier mind set. I was in the process of trying to surrender some of my thoughts and I stumbled on this.

Matthew 6:25-27 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Luke 12:25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to hisspan of life?

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you;my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

So, my friend- you may not be dealing with silly armpit lumps, or control issues, but I wanted to encourage you as I was encouraged. He's got this. I don't have control and neither do you. No matter what happens, HE'S GOT THIS.

And now I bet that song is stuck in your head, too... He's got the whole world in His hands...

Trying to surrender- fears, thoughts, control... and trying to get that song out of my head. :)

No longer I,

The VERY REAL LIFE mom.

Waiting. And WebMD

2012-02-09T11:44:00.000-08:00

Have I ever told you how much I despise WebMD? I used to think it was very helpful- especially when times were tough and I couldn't afford to go to the doctor every time my child sneezed. And then I'd have a couple of completely unrelated symptoms and WebMD had me completely convinced I was dying.

I mean, we're all dying right? But there have been times where I have been absolutely convinced that I have only a few months to live and then I go in to my doctor and I've got a cold. I mean, seriously... can you say hypochondriac? (totally used spell checker for that one).

So since I've been a hypochondriac in the past, I was absolutely convinced that this time I'd play it "cool". So when I noticed the enlarged lymph node under my arm, I TRIED to avoid WebMD. I didn't want to know what they had to say about it, but somehow I ended up on one of their cousin websites. When I inputted my symptoms, the results came back as either HODGKINS LYMPHOMA, BREAST CANCER, OR LUPUS. None of these sound appealing. Usually WebMD will give you about 20 options of what it could be (including the common cold)- but not this time. This time, there were three- and these were them. About four different web sites all told me the same thing.

But I ignored what they said. I've over-reacted emotionally so much in the past that I thought surely this one would just be "nothing". Never-the-less, I went in to my OBGYN this morning... just to make sure. I shared all of my medical knowledge with her (much to her entertainment, I'm sure). She felt the lymph node and got a concerned look on her face. She checked the breast area just to be sure and then we had our little chat.

She said her instinct is to say that it's nothing but an infection, but because she is somewhat concerned about the size and hardness of this thing (whatever it is) she ordered more testing just to cover all of her bases. She took four vials of blood and ordered an ultrasound for the breast and armpit (lymph) on Monday.

All of that to say- I'm glad my doctor is so thorough, but... I still have no answers. If I was in charge of things, people would be able to get same day results so they wouldn't lose sleep on mild infections... but, thankfully, I'm not in charge. I'll have answers when it's time, I know. I guess I thought I'd walk in, the doctor would laugh at me for making a mountain out of a mole hill and then send me home, but that's not what happened this time. I thought she'd reassure me that I was still very much a hypochondriac, and share a laugh, but that didn't happen either.

In my heart of hearts, I truly believe it's nothing, so I'll take my antibiotics and hope to see a difference next week. But in the mean time, I know some of my friends and family are worried, so please pray for peace for them. I am in a really strange place- at peace with whatever the outcome. I know that peace is from The Lord and I just want the same thing for them.

Thanks for reading and thanks for praying... I have a strong feeling that this time next week, I'll be feeling really idiotic for even writing about this thing that is nothing. But it's something to the people who love me. Even if it's just an infection, it's enough to make you reevaluate things...

Anyway, I'll keep you posted. :)

Waiting. (sort of) patiently.

The real life mom.

The Hottie's Speech

2012-01-24T13:44:00.000-08:00

Have I ever told you why school is such a big deal for The Hottie? I asked his permission to share this, so I wouldn't embarrass him. I suspect that after today he will likely do a bit more sharing of this himself. He is dyslexic. Not as in- "Oh, I messed up a couple of those words while reading them", but more like "I absolutely HATE to read out loud because I cannot make what I read come out of my mouth accurately." He has no problems writing (as evidence by his essay and the precious letters he has written me in our ten years together) but even then he will occasionally twist words around and confuse them. I do the same thing, but am not challenged to the degree that he has been. Because of the dyslexia, reading has always been a challenge for him- especially reading aloud.

So there was an essay contest at the college. The award was a $1000 scholarship. I encouraged him (against everything negative in his head) to write an essay and try to win that scholarship. Less than 48 hours after turning in the essay, The Hottie was announced as the winner. There was a time of celebration, but then the reality of what was to come, set in. You see, part of the stipulation of winning the scholarship is that you have to read your essay in front of a room full of chancellors, presidents, contributors, and.... other important people from the college.

So this morning was the Chancellor's breakfast. After dropping off all 16491726 of our children, we arrived about 15 minutes late and the morning began. We visited with all of the people at our table- very down to earth, very friendly. We later discovered that the college president was among our new BFFs from the table.

There were a total six scholarship recipients (one from each of the college's campuses.) Each recipient was introduced by an "important person" and each recipient had to read their speech to the room full of about 250 people. Seriously. For me, this would be no big deal. I love to speak to a crowd or to be up on stage. I'm totally wired for that. But Kyle? Not so much. He was nervous, sweaty, and emotional.

Never-the-less, as his "important person" got up to introduce the Hottie (which, by the way, and much to my disappointment, he did NOT call him) Kyle grinned that ever-so-handsome grin and walked up the the microphone. And then it started. Every bit of emotion, every bit of nervous energy, every bit of everything inside of him came to a head. As he started to read, he stumbled on the words. He teared up as he read some of the beautiful things he'd written. He stopped several times to compose himself and pressed on. What should have taken about 4 minutes took about ten minutes. He struggled so intensely to get the words right and to make it sound eloquent... but he could not.

I sat about ten feet from him and grinned as he recovered, each time with a little more strength and a little more perseverance. By the end of the speech, I was filled with so much pride, and so much joy that I could hardly contain my excitement for what this man had just done. He KNEW he wasn't going to sound the best up there. He KNEW he'd struggle to get through the reading... and still he pressed on. In his speech, he spoke of his dyslexia and the struggles it had caused him. When all was said and done, there was not one dry eye in the house and people could hardly wait to jump to their feet to show this man their pride in his accomplishment.

He received a roaring standing ovation for this feat! (And, might I pridefully mention that his was the only standing ovation given). ;) I can best describe the moment by taking you back to the King's Speech (with Colin Firth). The King was trying to inspire a nation by overcoming his stutter and addressing the nation. Kyle was merely trying to get through an essay, but ended up inspiring a room full of people. One by one, close to 100 people came to shake our hands after the reading. People could not stop talking about how impressed they were with... my man. ;) They patted him on the back, encouraged him, and a few even hinted at possible job opportunities after graduation. (HALLELUJER!)

It was definitely one of those mornings I will never forget. It was the day my man, my Hottie, put aside every bit of self doubt, every bit of negative thinking, and did what he had to do... and it not only blessed me (and everyone else in the room), but it challenged and encouraged me in my own life as I struggle to put aside every bit of self doubt and negative thinking to do what I have to do.

But this post is not about me... it's about an average, ordinary man who pushed past everything emotional, everything physical that could have held him back and persevered, inspiring a room full of people to never give up. Never quit. So perhaps the terms "average and ordinary" don't really apply to this man after all. No, I'd say he's more like amazing, exceptional... and, of course- hot. ;)

Fear... and Power

2012-01-07T22:24:00.000-08:00

In the past four days, I have taken approximately 200-300 photos of Shepherd. It's not because I want to remember him in the hospital or because I want to show the world how terribly pitiful he looks. I take these random photos because when he sees mommy taking his picture, he smiles, and for the past four days, all I've wanted to do was make that precious angel smile.

We're not all Facebook or e-mail friends, so for those of you who do not know, I will update you. Shepherd has an infection in his left thigh called Cellulitis. This infection can get really severe, really quickly, so they put him in the hospital. Originally, we were thinking we might get to come home today, but that didn't happen. Instead, we were told the medicine wasn't strong enough and they'd have to put him on something stronger. So as I'm typing, he is currently receiving a two hour injection of something tremendously stronger than the medicine he was originally on.

When this all started, I noticed he wanted to be held a lot more. That's right- Mr. Independent wanted mommy ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL of the time and I had no idea it was because he was getting so very sick. And I complained and whined about having to hold him. I was frustrated because I couldn't clean my house the way I wanted to, or put away the ever growing mountain of laundry. I was mad that he was in my way... and now that he's sleeping less than two feet from me, all I want to do is wake him up, cuddle him, and never let go.

You see, I laid down a few minutes ago to go to sleep and as I closed my eyes, my heart filled with panic and sorrow, and the first picture that came to my head was Shepherd's funeral. Seriously- he's not that sick. I mean, I thought "It's a bug bite, I think- he'll be fine." and I didn't want to over dramatize it. I thought "He's fine, no need to worry." I thought "We'll go home on Saturday..." and now here we are, 12:05 on Sunday morning, marking our fourth official day here. So obviously, it's serious, but not "funeral" serious.

He's no where near death, but I've had this nagging feeling that something really bad was going to happen to him for a while now (like months). And being in the hospital, I have had complete peace- until about 20 minutes ago. A real panic swept over me... until I heard his gentle snores.

I immediately picked up the phone and texted a friend. I wanted to know someone could pray for peace for me. I wanted to know that I was not alone. When the nurse came in to administer the IV meds, I went to the bathroom to wipe my tear-stained face. After she left, I sat on the side of my bed weeping some more and proclaiming scripture over this precious baby and over my heart.

You see, what I had forgotten was a word I received from a friend: 2 Tim 1:7 "God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity, but of power, love, and a sound mind." Power. I forget that we have so much power when we claim scripture. I forget what a great reminder that is. I forget that we have the power to choose what we allow into our hearts and minds and if we allow the fear to come in, we are giving the enemy exactly what he wants. That fear can take control, robbing us of any peace and joy that could have been found. And that's exactly what happened here, for a brief moment.

I am going back to bed soon (because I have to wake up to turn off the IV machine around 1:30). But I'm going back to bed with this- that spirit of fear, that panic attack I just had, that was not from God. That was a lie from the enemy, trying to steal my joy. And because I am a believer, I am claiming healing over my son. I have the power of the Holy Spirit living inside of me- that power that I have been too timid to tap into (for God did not give us a spirit of fear or timidity). I have the power to claim healing and if it be God's will- that healing will take place.

So tonight, in this place, all fear is gone and I am claiming healing over Shepherd... in His name. And I fully expect to wake up tomorrow refreshed and with great results. I fully expect that if this is God's true will, my son will walk out of here tomorrow and we will return home where mommy can snuggle him tightly for as long as she wants to... and then he can help unfold laundry. ;) And when he does, I'll take a picture of it for you- not because it will make him smile, but because I want to capture that precious smile for me to stare at for years to come. :)

Just being real. Thanks for letting me be vulnerable for a moment.

No longer fearful,

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part III- HEY SMELLY SHELLY

2012-01-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

Seriously. When's the last time you took a bath? I'm just wondering. I snuck one in this morning by happenstance, but normally that doesn't happen until AFTER the Hottie comes home (unless I have some important meeting or have a reason to get dressed up). On that happy note- when is the last time you actually put make up on just for your husband? Not for a meeting or for company who is coming, but just for him. I know some of you may be just fine "au natural" but I want you to think back to when you first started dating your husband.

I can remember it like it was yesterday (and it has been ten years). For our first alone time together (that was not officially a date, but really was a date) I spent well over two hours primping and getting ready to try to impress this man... The Hottie. I changed my outfit close to 35 times and fixed and re-fixed my hair. I applied make up, then changed my eye color, then lip color until everything was absolutely perfect. Even still I was convinced it wasn't quite good enough. And the man? He only needed to shower and throw on some clothes (approximately 15 minutes from start to finish) and he was ready.

So when he arrived at my door and I got that grin- you know the one- I knew those 2+ hours were worth it. And from that moment until we married, I never went to see him without complete make up, a shower, and beautiful hair. I wanted him to want me- in every way. I wanted him to be attracted to me and to think I was beautiful because I'd certainly never felt that way before.

But after we married and I'd gained 732641209384 pounds from having children, I got so busy with the kids and housework and diapers and more diapers and... just life. And suddenly I'd found myself in frump girl mode. I know you've been there, girl- most of us have at some point. A friend who recently had a baby described it as losing your identity in your children. Suddenly you're no longer just Christi... you are someone's mom, taxi, nurse, teacher, maid, chef, etc... easy to see how you could get lost in that place. But that doesn't mean you should stay there.

When I went back to work at Chevron after having Jacob (before Shepherd), I'd spend a fair amount of time getting cleaned up and primping. I wasn't trying to impress anyone, but at work, I got to just be "Christi" again- not mom, or wife, or anything else- just Christi. And I noticed him "noticing me" more... and I liked it. And then I had Shepherd... and I was lost again. And the Hottie has been coming home to frump girl every since.

Thankfully I am blessed with the sort of man who won't go looking elsewhere. Not sure how I got so blessed, but he is a rare gem, indeed. So should I let that keep me from making an effort? Should I just continue to let myself go until I'm completely undesirable? No. Because then I'm merely the woman he HAS to be with, not the one he WANTS to be with. And while I'm thinking about it- what kind of message am I sending if I only make an effort when I have a meeting or go to church? Am I showing him he is valued? Not so much.

Something attracted him to me. In the same way I have chosen to be his playmate and appealed to that side of him, I am also choosing in 2012 to put Frump Girl away... for good. I showered this morning and will fix my hair and apply make up at some point BEFORE he comes home from work. I'll pick up the clutter and throw on something that shows off a little bit of my style- rather than my jammies from the past three days and no bra. I want him to WANT to come home to me- not to be afraid of what he will see when he walks through the door (seriously... me + no make up and no shower = SCARY).

I want him to feel excited and to know I'm making this effort for him. I want him to feel loved and, knowing that it really does require extra effort on my part to accomplish when he's not home, appreciate that today was a day I took a bath.

So here's a challenge to my lady friends- take a bath. Try to put on a little make up- not like smokey prom eyes or anything... just cover up the sun damage, add some mascara and lip gloss, and remind him of your youthful appeal. And for the love of Pete, brush your hair (and your teeth- nobody wants to smell that)! So, you're a size 19349425 and you don't feel sexy. So what? I read somewhere that sexy is an attitude. Work that attitude, girlfriend and remind him why he snatched you up in the first place. Give him a reason to want to come home a little earlier next time, and remember this- the most important thing you can put on is a smile. People who smile are 1,000 times more beautiful than people who don't. So you've gained a few pounds this holiday season... just smile. Trust me- he won't be looking at your tummy. ;)

Workin' it...

The Real Life Mom

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part II- BIG GIRL PANTIES

2012-01-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, so we're on to desperate housewives, part II. ;) My advice for the day? Stop taking things so seriously. That's right, I said it. Put on your big girl panties and make a choice to let some of those things go. Or, as they say, don't sweat the small stuff- and it's all small stuff.

Truly, I can say I agree with this. Today The Hottie accidentally knocked over the tackle box I keep my jewelry organized in... and sent half of my earrings and two of my favorite bracelets down the drain. Here I had two options- 1- make him feel really bad and never see my jewelry again or 2- grab the big girl panties and laugh it off- let him off the hook so he can let himself off the hook- and never see my jewelry again.

I chose the latter of the two and it paid off big time. He was already feeling awful and was trying to find ways to retrieve said jewelry when I walked in to the bathroom. I knew he was mad at himself and in that moment I felt only compassion for this poor (adorable) soul. I mean, after all- the jewelry can all be replaced, but that moment- I'll never get that back.

So I walked into the bathroom and just giggled. Not what he expected- not even close (I think I even surprised myself a little here). The old me would have overreacted and made him feel horrible for losing my $5 earrings (have I mentioned how cheap I am?) But today I laughed... and then we laughed as he tried (unsuccessfully) to retrieve my jewelry. And then something clicked inside of me and I realized it is possible to change- even in the seemingly small things. In this instance, I chose not to take it seriously and because of it, we had a wonderful evening. In the past, there would have been a lot of yelling and shaming, whining and nagging... aren't you glad I bought those panties?

Now if only I could find that gift card to Sam Moon...

Big girl panties, my friends... invest in a pair- they pay off better than Victoria's Secret. ;) Just sayin'.

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Happy New Year

2012-01-02T18:35:00.000-08:00

So I didn't post anything about the new year. Surprised? I thought I'd write out some resolutions or make some really thought-provoking statements, but I came up dry. I wrote some ideas of things I'd like to conquer in 2012 and some personal changes I'd like to make, but nothing truly blog-worthy. I had not one ounce of wit, humor, or wisdom to share. And then I went to church yesterday morning...

I'd have to say yesterday was one of those days where the aroma of my heart going into service was more of a wretched stench and when I left, not a trace of what was, was left. The message was given by a member of our staff, not our typical pastor. None-the-less, it was filled with the beauty of truth and scripture that I'd imagine every person in that place needed to hear. When they post the link on our church website, I'll share it here. Until then, let me just say dear friend, I'm empowered and inspired!

Can't wait to share more! And for the record, I'm not on anti-depressants (anymore). Just liked the picture.

happy New year!

No Longer I- truly,

The Real Life Mom

Secrets Of A Housewife... Part I

2012-01-02T12:29:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not THAT kind of housewife... definitely not desperate (even though I've been dangerously close to desperation in the past). But I do have a few secrets of my own to share. These are things I've learned in my nearly ten years of marriage. Yes, I know that some of you seasoned housewives may laugh at my mere ten years, but I should remind you- at least five of those years were Hell on Earth- God had to break me, change me, and mold me (and is still continuing to do so).

THROWING STONES and JUST LAUGH- two posts from the past year about lessons God revealed to me. And now, secrets of a housewife- part I

Last night The Hottie and I were trying to entertain ourselves while waiting for company to arrive. We've been so exhausted as of late that we typically sit down at the computer or pull out our phones to let the internet take us away to facebook or Pinterest. But something got into us last night and we wound up reenacting a scene from Mr. & Mrs. Smith (Brangelina's assassins movie). No, this was not on purpose, and no- it was not a dirty scene... (I'm not ready to be THAT open with you all, just yet). It was the scene where they realize they are both professional assassins and they completely destroy this amazing house trying to kill one another. (I know, I know- the resemblance is astounding... I get that a lot).

But no, in case you were confused, that's not us and no, we weren't trying to kill one another, (nor did we destroy the house). I saw he and Shepherd playing with a Nerf gun and something in me realized he needed a playmate... and maybe I did, too. The big kids were asleep, so I loaded up a nearby Nerf gun, (with additional ammo in the pocket, which is essential) and we chased each other around the house shooting and reloading as quickly as we could.

As we played, I watched him go from completely exhausted to completely exuberant in no time at all. He became excited and joyful- with a childlike glow in his gaze. I gave him the gift of allowing him to just be himself in that moment and not trying to mold him into someone he is not. And when all was said and done (and he'd completely killed me with Nerf bullets, or darts, or whatever you call them) my man was satisfied and no matter what happened the rest of that evening, he felt loved.

So what I would say I've learned through this is that when it's time to play 1- make sure you have plenty of ammo, of course, and 2- play- all out. He needs to feel free to be a man- sometimes a young, playful man- and he needs you not just to understand that, but to enjoy that side of him as well. I've spent far too much time shaming him for pieces of his personality that I didn't like or that I felt he needed to grow out of and God showed me that just as God loves me for who and where I am right now (flaws and all), The Hottie needs to be loved (and enjoyed) completely for who he is- right now, and not who he may one day become. So, friend, if that love looks like a game of Mr. & Mrs. Smith- I say bring it. It's definitely okay (and even likely a good idea) on occasion- to let him win. But don't get crazy, I said on occasion. ;)

Happy New Year!

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

I am NOT a tree.

2011-12-28T20:03:00.000-08:00

I'm one of those people who are easily motivated. Not. Kidding. When I was younger, I'd watch a cereal commercial and suddenly be convinced that I NEEDED to go make myself a bowl of cereal... the chocolate kind... or Lucky Charms... or... I better stop before I decide I need some of that sugary goodness. Is it sad that I just drooled a little? (ADD...)

Anyway, I'm not typically a hard sell. I can see an image like this one and think to myself- "Yep! I'm getting back in the habit now! I AM going to work out and I AM going to follow through with this! THIS TIME I WILL NOT FAIL." It really doesn't take much- it never has.

Getting motivated has never been my issue (seriously- just typing this while that image is sitting there is making me want to hit the treadmill)- it's the follow through that has really been my downfall. But I saw this quote today, "If you don't like how things are, change it! You're not a tree." ~Jim Rohn.

It sounds so simple- silly, even. It's almost too simple, right? Not really... I mean, the last time I checked, I wasn't a tree, so I CAN change, right? My roots aren't forcing me to stay who I have always been. There is, in fact, NOTHING holding me here- except me. So why don't I change? I'm filled with every good intention of changing. In fact, good intentions pretty much define me on any given day.

I have good intentions of following through with that next diet and losing all of my weight. I have good intentions of getting my house cleaned and paying each of my bills or loans on time, every time. I tell myself every day that I will go to bed early so I can wake up early, spend some really, truly, quiet, alone time with God and then shower, put on some make up so I don't scare the natives, and make a hot breakfast and lunches- All BEFORE the Hottie and kids even start to think about waking up. (Yes, I am aware these expectations are a little unrealistic.) And then each day, I have some thing that keeps me up until way too late and the Hottie and kids usually beat me out of bed, helping themselves to whatever cereal or cold breakfast choices can be found in the pantry. Then I am discouraged first thing in the morning and I think to myself "Fail. I guess I'll try again tomorrow."

And the cycle continues. (Maybe I need therapy?) :)

Anyway, I have the best intentions of making these amazing new year's resolutions and following through with them- each of them... and I never do (who does?) I have these amazing intentions that I tell people about- like writing this book and starting this ministry, training to run a half marathon a few years back, becoming a speaker... all of these great dreams and intentions. And yet, here we are at the end of another year and I'm somehow disappointed in myself... again.

And for the record, I must say I sincerely DISLIKE New Year's resolutions. I love the idea of having a clean slate and starting over from scratch. (Don't we all?) I like the idea of starting new- as if just because I was a screw up the year before, this year will somehow be different. But why should 2012 be any different than 2011 or 2010 or the 30 years before that? (Yes, math whiz, I'm 32.)

I read this earlier today- "Give thanks for what you are now, and keep fighting for what you want to be tomorrow." ~Fernanda Miramontes-Landeros Huh. She (I think this is a she) has a point. What I am now is not all bad. I'm not good at follow through, but I'm gifted in several areas, I'm passionate, and I'm occasionally funny. I'm good at teaching, good at loving on people, and organized (in my mind, folks... not in my house). For those parts of me, I am thankful. I guess I will just keep fighting to become this person that I want so badly to be. Not that my expectations are completely realistic (another growth area for me) but I know who I want to be and right now, I'd say I have quite a road to travel. But I'll keep fighting. I know I can't do it all on my own or in my own strength, but I know I am responsible for making the choice to change and taking the necessary steps to get there.

Within each of us is the capability to become the person God created us to be. He knew we'd all face struggles and He gave us the tools we'd need to overcome those struggles. Time to tap into those tools and "man up" as the Hottie says. Time to recognize I am NOT a tree, so I can change it... and I WILL. I recognize that I'm feeling dangerously inspired at the moment, so I won't write out a long list of resolutions (yet). Instead, I think I'll go have some cereal while I wrap myself in my new Snuggie and contemplate the new me I'd like to try to become in 2012.

Still growing... still learning to let go.

NO LONGER I (right?),

The Real Life Mom.

YOU ARE GOOD

2011-12-22T13:36:00.000-08:00

THIS is exactly what I needed to help me refocus 3 days before Christmas.

Don't Miss It

2011-12-22T08:18:00.000-08:00

"¹ God, you are my God.

       I search for you.
    I thirst for you
       like someone in a dry, empty land
       where there is no water.
² I have seen you in the Temple
       and have seen your strength and glory.
³ Because your love is better than life,
       I will praise you.
⁴ I will praise you as long as I live.
       I will lift up my hands in prayer to your name.
⁵ I will be content as if I had eaten the best foods.
       My lips will sing, and my mouth will praise you.

⁶ I remember you while I'm lying in bed;
       I think about you through the night.
⁷ You are my help.
       Because of your protection, I sing.
⁸ I stay close to you;
       you support me with your right hand.

Psalm 63

Or, as I heard it in a Jami Smith song:

"Oh, God, you are my God! Earnestly I seek you! My body longs for you, my soul thirsts for you. In a dry and weary land, where there is no stream. You extend your gracious hand and give life to me..."

People don't speak this way anymore- not most people, anyway. You might hear language like this in an overly dramatic love story or in one of those awkward yogurt commercials "My body longs for you... oh chocolate goodness!" But rarely will we hear people praying like this or even speaking OF God like this, let alone TO Him like this.

Here we have David- in the desert of Judah- crying out in desperation for God. There aren't too many times I've cried out in desperation for God when I wasn't seeking His hand. Here David is simply saying "God- it's YOU I want- all of YOU!" Not God's hand... His heart.

David's words made me blush a bit. I mean- I've honestly thought this way about the hottie... (I'll spare you the details). I've felt like my body longed for water or for food... but not too often have I thought how my body was longing for God. And it makes me a little sad, and really almost jealous of this wonderful relationship that David had with God. I want that.

I have spent much of my life seeking the favor of God or the hand of God and I want to be back in that place where I first fell in love with Him... where all I wanted was His love. I know we've been through seasons of physical need and have been learning to trust Him as our provider. He's proven Himself time and time again. So I think it's time for us to continue to grow as we get to know Him. Yes, we will always need and depend on His provision and His direction and guidance to get us through life, but I want to hunger and thirst for Him. I want to know Him so intimately that the times when I am not alone with Him, my body longs for Him and my soul thirsts for Him...

As we continue to get closer to Christmas day, I've been visiting with the kids about Christmas, about the birth of Christ and why it's so important. We've talked about Jesus coming to save us, but I want them to know and understand this as well. It was never just about us being saved. It was about God's love- coming down to earth. He wanted to separate the great divide so that we could know Him here on earth and experience His great love in an active relationship with Him and to know Him intimately BEFORE we get to heaven. Yes, He did come to save us, but to love us as well. "For God so loved the world..." He loved us. In spite of our sin, He still loves us. Even though we've gotten away from the meaning of the season. Even though we've commercialized this day. Even though we've been hand seekers, rather than heart seekers.

I cannot help but stand in awe of this love- this amazing love that He has for us- for me. He knew I'd be one of the greatest screw ups to ever live. He knew I'd lie, cheat, steal, and gossip. He knew I'd lose my temper with my kids and be a glutton. He knew I'd go through seasons of only seeking His hand... and still he loved me. In spite of it all, HE. LOVED. ME. He pursued me. He never, not for one moment, did not love me- or you, or any of us.

I saw this morning that a world renowned pastor said on national television that the true meaning of Christmas was making memories with your family. I'm not here to bash anyone, but dear pastor, you're way off base... and I hope you figure it out sooner rather than later, because dear friend- you are missing out. The true meaning of Christmas is love. God's love.

And so, as I sip my cup of warm morning goodness, I thought I'd share my thoughts with you. In the midst of memory making and holiday traditions, baking, shopping, lights, wrapping, and giving- don't miss it... it is, after all, the reason for this season.

Still learning. Still growing. Still becoming

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

See What Had Happened Was...

2011-11-29T22:34:00.000-08:00

I'm a klutz. Yep. In the words of Fresh Prince, see what had happened was...

I was visiting with one of my dearest friends (and my mentor) and was looking for something in my room when she announced that The Hottie was calling. And like any star struck teenager, I turned to run for the phone because, you know... this is only 2011- and it's not like I could have called him back or anything. Anyway, as soon as I turned around, I tripped over a hope-chest-type piece of furniture that resides at the foot of my bed.

First the big toe, then the shin... (and no wordy dirds this time). In the midst of it all, I somehow twisted or did something odd that caused massive pain in both my hip and my knee. So, here I sit, watching my movie marathon and drowning my pain in chick flicks. Awesomeness.

But I was thinking... I can remember a few years ago when I used to ignore the call from The Hottie. I can remember when he wasn't The Hottie to me, but more of someone I was stuck with- someone I loathed. When things were like that between us, I never would have broken my leg to catch his phone call. But God is a big God who answers big prayers and changes big, prideful people... and He changed me.

Not that our marriage is always blissful and perfect. Perfection is only in the movies. But we have hope and a future... Jeremiah 29:11 "I know the plans I have for you' says The Lord 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." It's funny how time flies and how God's word is so full of truth and promise... hope, and a future. Who would have thought?

So today, this last day of November, I'd like to say I'm thankful- thankful for the amazing man God has blessed me with, thankful for a mentor who pushed through the hard times and who is, in fact, the very reason we are still married (as God used her to breathe life into us). Thankful for a God who loves us so much that He sent His son to die so that we, in the midst of all of our selfishness, pridefulness, and drama, could be saved and could experience His plan for our lives- a plan that includes joy and the ability to laugh together as I hobble to the door to greet him underneath a mistletoe that our daughter hand picked just for us.

A line from one of my favorite songs "What joy, what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord." Thank you Lord for giving us hope and giving us joy. Thank you Lord for changing me and beginning a good work in me.... in all of us.

Anyhow, I better run... er... get off of the computer. The Hottie is calling...

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Food For Thought

2011-11-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

So...

Yeah. I thought I'd jump on to blog because.... well... it's been FOR.EV.ER since I last wrote. And I feel like I should at least try to write something. The thing is, I've got nothing. Those years of drugs must have really done me in. (i'msokidding). I never inhaled. Okay, I better be careful. This is how rumors get started. for the record- I was a D.A.R.E. kid. I remember one time when the D.A.R.E. officers told us we could die from trying any drugs one time... so I never did. Seriously. That's all it took. And no, I'm not a nerd- well, at least not anymore. I was super afraid. Even with all of my friends who occasionally smoked pot or did... whatever else they did. I was afraid to die, so I "just said no".

Yeah... thanks to that pretty little logo, I was brainwashed for the better.

But I was a good kid. Well, that's a lie. I did get in to my fair share of trouble at home. (And trust me when I say, it was NOT my fault. I have a sister named Amy. We'll blame 99.9% of it on her). But outside of the house, I was a good kid... at least, according to my memory. My parents might tell a different story, and I'm certain my sister would, but since this is MY blog and MY story, I'll tell it MY way. ;)

Annnnnyway, I was thinking today as I listened to a message from Dr. Chris Zaino. He's a chiropractor here in the area. Anyway, Dr. Zaino has some great insight about how the human body works. I haven't committed to being a patient of his just yet, but I'm definitely a believer in what he had to share regarding getting through the holidays..

There was a point... and it was interrupted by ADD.

Oh yes! So as you know, I've tried just about every diet known to man. I've tried to lose weight and tried to maintain control of my physical body. But the funny thing is, I never stopped to consider what I am putting into my body that could be affecting everything else. It was always about portion control, or eat this or don't eat that. One of the things Dr. Zaino was talking about in this lecture was eating for life. He really made me think about the quality of life I want to have. I'll be on the earth for as long as God wants me to be here. So if that's another 50 years, awesome. If not, awesome. However long it is, I want to live a life that honors Him, and I want to be healthy doing it.

I think a life that honors Him includes making choices that honor Him. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." I don't think that making a choice to have an occasional treat is bad, but I do think that by overindulging consistently and allowing my health to go down the drain, I am also choosing 1- NOT to honor God and 2- whatever consequences come with living like that.

I guess what I'm getting at is- when I was younger I was so aware of what I didn't put in to my body. I didn't want to die form the drugs and so I committed with a firm resolve to stand my ground against drugs- even in the midst of strong temptation (and trust me- the temptation caused by the need for man's approval is tremendous). So what I'm thinking now is- more than half of the food and medicine I put into my body is toxic. While it may not kill me immediately, it will definitely kill me eventually... or at least drastically decrease my quality of life. So why not make the choice to eat for life instead living to eat? Maybe instead of Drug Abuse Resistance Education, we can start FOOD Abuse Resistance Education? It would be F.A.R.E... Catchy? What do you think?

Just some food for thought.

No Longer I

The Real Life Mom

What's In A Number?

2011-11-03T10:50:00.000-07:00

Several thoughts as I sit down to write today- in fact, there will likely be another post on an entirely different subject.

But anyway, I was thinking- each week, I prepare a message, pray over said message and show up on Thursday mornings to teach it. Some weeks, God really blesses me through the message. Those weeks are usually when I can feel Him in the room, sometimes even speaking through me. Other weeks (such as this week) I feel frustrated and alone in the room- like God didn't show up. I feel like I do the work and hope that the message reaches someone, anyone... and then I hear crickets. Nothing.

It's somewhat discouraging. Scratch that. It can be very discouraging.

But.

I know God is working and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am being obedient and I am in my calling.

So every week isn't life-altering and spectacular. So the numbers have dropped. What's in a number if I'm being obedient to the call of Christ? What's in a number if that number is 1 and I am her. If no one showed up for the study, but God still moved in my heart because I was obedient to Him, then I can think of no greater blessing than being fulfilled through obedience.

Now if I can just let go of the people-pleasing, human side of me and really buy what I'm selling here, we'll be all good.

:)

Working on letting go.

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

My Life On A Diet... Day 1 (again)

2011-10-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

Yep. I'm dieting again. I love to diet. (Note the thick, inlaid sarcasm in my tone).

I watched a show last week where one of the main characters is an alcoholic. She has struggled with an addiction to alcohol off and on for a while. In this latest episode, the character had been sober for 30 days and then in a moment of emotional weakness, she drank again. The next morning she was in an AA meeting and said something that struck an emotional chord with me. She said something to the effect of "I'm humiliated. I'm back to day 1. I'm starting over from scratch and it's embarrassing, frustrating, humiliating, and scary. But I'm sober."

Yeah... I'm back to day 1 of my diet again. I cannot tell you how many times I have started diets and failed. (And no, I don't want/need to hear about changing my lifestyle instead of dieting, and blah, blah, blah). I cannot tell you how frustrated, angry, even scared I have been with my life- with the excess weight. I have read so much that I could likely tell you everything you need to (or would want to) know about losing weight. I have the head knowledge of how to lose the weight, but the application is quite lacking.

My issue stems from a much deeper root issue. I believe that I am addicted to food- or maybe that I use it as a crutch. When I'm tired, I eat. When I'm mad, I eat. When I'm happy and celebrating, I eat. And sometimes I just eat to eat. I like food. Scratch that. I love food. I wonder if that's the way an alcoholic feels. "When I'm happy, I drink. When I'm angry, I drink... and I drink just to drink. I love alcohol."

So maybe the alcoholic and I aren't so very different. The effects of over eating or, at this point, of choosing not to lose the weight could be just as deadly as an alcoholic who chooses not to stop drinking.

No, this isn't me- but it could easily become me. So why don't I just go for it? I do. I have. I will. But at some point, I either give in to temptation or I stumble... and then I find myself right back here again. right back to Day 1. I hate that I feel like I'm just going to fail. I mean, that's been my pattern, right? The Hottie has seen it, my kids have seen it, anyone who knows me even remotely has seen it. I always start out with such passion, such fervor and then I let them down, or I let me down- which is it? Likely both.

So for now I won't say "I'm on a diet... again!" I'll just say- today is day 1. And tomorrow, after not quitting, or giving up, I'll say "Today was day 2."

I know I won't spend my entire life on a diet. I truly believe that at some point I will reach my goals and will be in the maintenance phase. Until then- it's not easy being married to the Hottie (with his negative body fat) and having 4 little stick people who can eat all they want and not gain. It's not easy having friends who can eat entire pizzas and not gain an ounce- when I look at the same pizza and gain ten pounds. It's not easy, but I know this life isn't easy. And up until now, I have lived to satisfy my own selfish desires. But that's not why God put me here. He put me here to honor Him- to bring him honor and glory, and to "be an example for the other believers in speech and in life." (just so happens to be my children's memory verse right now).

I want that to be my motivation- to honor Him. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." I heard once that knowledge applied is wisdom in action and knowledge not applied is equally foolishness. I have the knowledge. I have the truth right in front of me. I don't want to be a fool. In my heart I want to honor God, so I commit- whatever I do- whether it be eating or drinking, one day at a time, I want to honor God.

I know the road is long. I brought myself to this point- no one else did it. I didn't gain all of this weight simply from having children (but seriously... they DID contribute... that, and the french toast I HAD to eat while pregnant). None-the-less, I am here to fulfill a purpose and I can either work toward fulfilling that purpose, or away from it. I choose toward.

So if I mess up (and there's a strong possibility that I will), I'll get back up on the horse, and knowing that I'm moving closer to my goal, I won't be ashamed to say again "Today is Day 1."

*Sidenote- this was written yesterday. Today is, successfully, Day 2.

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

The Legacy She Left

2011-10-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

Funerals. I'm not so great with the whole idea of a funeral. I'd much prefer for my life to end with a bang- like a huge party in honor of the life I lived- not a group of people all wearing black, crying that I'm gone. I want there to be a rule at my memorial service, that everyone has to wear a bright color. I love to make people smile and somehow I just don't get the feeling that black encourages a great deal of smiling (unless I'm trying on clothes in the fitting room and it's between the white shirt that "fatters" or the black shirt that "flatters"- in which case, the black would definitely encourage a smile. But I digress... yet again.

So yesterday was my grandmother's funeral. I loved how we had several photos at the funeral. Some were of my grandmother by herself, but most of the pictures had my grandmother with my papa. When I got the news a week ago that she had passed away, though it was no surprise, I wept uncontrollably for about 45 minutes. At the end of that 45 minutes, I felt the prayers of my friends as a peace filled me- that peace that you cannot explain... And in my mind, I saw a picture that made me smile. I saw my grandmother reunited with my papa (who had passed away almost nine years ago). And almost as if it were really happening, I saw them dancing, as I had seen so many times growing up.

At the funeral, I shared the stories of my grandparents. I loved their relationship- the way they played, the way they laughed. I loved the way they danced together and always seemed to know what the other was thinking. They truly were soul mates and best friends. They had a love like you don't see a lot these days. Their love was a love refined- a love that has likely been tested through the fire and had come out on the other side, purer and stronger than ever before. When you were around them, you nearly could not help but smile. There was something super natural, something precious about their relationship.

And as I sat listening to some of these stories during the funeral, I couldn't help but think- that kind of love- that's the legacy I want to leave for my children... and their children... That's the kind of friendship and deep relationship I want to have with my husband. That's the kind of love that is so much greater than anything we mere humans can produce on our own. It's the love that comes from God.

During the funeral, I remembered how every morning, my grandmother would wake up and spend time with The Lord. She would read her Bible and spend time in prayer. I didn't always see her doing this, but I always saw fruit- the kind that cannot be produced in your own strength. The fruit that comes from knowing God intimately. She loved my grandfather- not in her own strength- but with the love that overflowed out of her relationship with the Lord (which was so much greater than any love she could ever have given my papa on her own). She was wise and gracious and patient. She was kind and gentle and so very good. She was a woman after God's own heart and she was a blessing to so many.

After the testimonies about my grandmother, her pastor read from Proverbs 31 and the scripture perfectly described my grandmother. Tears came to my eyes as I listened to him speak truth after truth about this precious woman that we had all been so blessed to know. And so I left the funeral filled with joy as I thought about my grandmother's wonderful life, fruit, and love- God's love...

I'll miss you here on Earth, Grandmother, but I look forward to dancing with you (and Papa) in Heaven. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me- and for loving me unconditionally. But most of all, thank you for setting the standard in your 50+ years of marriage to Papa- showing us what it looks like to live a life fully surrendered to God. I feel honored to have known you and blessed to have shared in the joy of your life. You were truly THE quintessential Proverbs 31 woman and I hope to one day share in your legacy. I love you... oh, so much. Learning to live like you did...

No Longer I,

The real life mom... and grand daughter.

Goodbyes

2011-10-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

Goodbyes are so very difficult. I got some pretty hard news this afternoon. This week will likely be my grandmother's last week here on Earth. In some ways I'm excited for her to be able to leave this world and this body that had entrapped her. I know she wants desperately to be with my grandfather- to whom she was happily married for 50+ years. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will join him in Heaven after she passes on, so that brings me peace.. But it's the selfish side of me that is hanging on to her here.

I LOVED my grandparents. They set an amazing example of what marriage should look like. They laughed together, they played together, they encouraged one another and they sought the Lord together.. They took a three mile walk together every morning and really had a good sense of what it meant to be in love and to really be one flesh. My grandfather snored like a train so they slept in separate bedrooms, but even still, my grandmother served him, honored him, and loved him deeply. He was an amazing man, and she was the perfect example of the wife I hope to become.

Not only did she know how to love my papa, but she also knew how to love my sister and I. We were the only two grandchildren, so we may have been a little spoiled. But I can remember when I would go to stay with her, she would hide a secret box of Oatmeal Cream Pies in her cabinet- just for me. She would play with us and talk with us. She encouraged me and taught me so much. I knew when I was going through something difficult, that she would always (and did always) have a beautiful bit of wisdom to impart.

Sadly, as life often goes, my grandmother has been suffering with Alzheimer's and dementia for the past 5 years. The past three years have been her rapid decline and she is to the point where she can no longer remember anyone- not even my father who visits her regularly. I am so blessed as I was able to visit her a couple of weeks ago, on a whim. She is in a home in Austin, and I stopped in to spend some time with her while I was in town. While part of me thinks she did not know me, part of me thinks she remembered me- even if just for a brief moment- and I think she heard me when I told her goodbye.

When I walked in to her room, she was laying down in the bed. She was about 2/3 of the size she had been at my last visit with her. Her (normally perfect) hair was pulled back in a pony tail and she was clearly not herself. She didn't speak to me and gave me only a few blank stares, but I think somewhere in the back of hr mind, she was at peace with me being there. I talked to her and told her all about our family. I stroked her hair and held her hands. Part of me wished I could stay there with her until she "woke up" out of this state, but I knew, deep down, that this visit would likely be the last time I ever got to see her.

As I kissed her forehead and hugged her tight, I prayed that she would hear my heart's cries while I bid her goodbye. I prayed that she would know how very much she was loved and that she would be at peace to go home. I see, now, that the Lord is good and has answered my prayers and I can only say thank you to Him for rescuing her from the chains which have bound her so tightly for so long. I praise Him for bringing her peace and I will praise Him when he brings her home. In the mean time, I might cry for a little while because deep down inside of me is that little girl who will always love her grandmother.

Our Place

2011-10-02T14:24:00.000-07:00

I sing. Have I ever told you this? I love to sing... anything. I've been known to belt out the Oscar Mayer tune when cooking chili dogs, or songs from the Little Mermaid when I'm making fish.... (that was wrong, I know...) Anyway, I can remember when I was growing up, my mom was always on piano and my dad, sister, and I would always sing around the piano in harmonies with her. Those were some of my favorite memories.

As I continued to grow and transform into young adulthood and my relationship with God started to transform, I was introduced to worship- real worship. I was raised to sing in the church. From infancy, I'm certain there was never a time when I wasn't singing or in a choir somewhere. But singing then was just singing. As I grew up and learned about the relationship my creator wanted to have with me, I started to realize just how much I loved Him and how much I had to be thankful for. And then it was born in me- a worshipful heart.

Words are a big part of my life. They always have been. Words can make or break my day. They have the power of life and death. So words, put to music (one of my most favorite things in the entire world) just sends my soul soaring! That's where worship comes in. Worship is one of my passions. It takes "just music" and turns it in to a vertical connection with our creator. Worship is the time when I feel like I can just be me- no facades, no masks- just me and my heart, connecting with the heart of God. When I sing words like "How great thou art" and "I need you more" and "I wanna sit at your feet" I am automatically taken to that place- our place- mine and God's place.

In "our place", there's no housework or bills to pay. When I'm in "our place", my imperfections seem to fade away and suddenly I remember who I am... whose I am. When I'm in our place, I am free to relax, to love and to be loved- completely and freely. I find forgiveness there. I find mercy there. I find strength, peace, mercy, and unconditional love there. No matter what I've been through that week, no matter how much I may have messed up- when I go to our place, my blemishes are washed clean and I'm made whole.

It's almost enough to make me wonder- why do I ever leave our place?

Sing It! (Devotional written by Jeff Wells)

2011-09-26T19:24:00.001-07:00

I LOVED this so much, I had to share it! I definitely had no part in writing this, but I will have a part in sharing it. This is one of my greatest passions!!! :) Thanks Jeff!

Sing It!

September 26, 2011

But let all who take refuge in you be glad;

let them ever sing for joy.

Psalm 5:11a

When you are singing to God, singing is praying. Singing is part of our prayer life. Songs of joy, songs of praise, songs of love. God says to us, "Let them sing! Let them ever sing!"

It's rather surprising, in fact, how often the Psalms mention singing. Consider, for example, this flurry of verses beginning with Psalm 95:

Come, let us sing for joy to the Lord;

let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.

Let us come before him with thanksgiving

and extol him with music and song.

Psalm 95:1-2

Sing to the Lord a new song;

sing to the Lord, all the earth.

Sing to the Lord, praise his Name;

proclaim his salvation day after day.

Psalm 96:1-2

Sing to the Lord a new song,

for he has done marvelous things.

Psalm 98:1a

Worship the Lord with gladness;

come before him with joyful songs.

Psalm 100:2

I will sing of your love and justice;

to you, O Lord, I will sing praise.

Psalm 101:1

That's a flurry! And there's more.

But why? Why all this emphasis on singing?

Music is powerful. Music is emotional. Music is passionate. Music so often is the language of love. At time mere words, music-less words, just won't do. We need to sing if we are going to adequately express the love and joy and exuberance we fell. Psalm 98 describes the heart that newly bursts with love and praise: Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music (98:4).

I love singing to God. I do it practically every day. And I can't sing worth a flip! But still, sing I do. I love it. And when we sing together, and the skilled musicians are playing and the praise singers are singing, and we are expressing the depths of our grace-filled hearts to God, and the presence of God fills the room, it just doesn't get much better. Our hearts are so full.

It's a gift. A gift from God. Songs of joy. Songs of love. Songs to Jesus.

Meet Jacob

2011-09-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

I have this favorite face cream that I use. Perhaps you've heard of it- Mary Kay's Emollient Cream. I love this stuff! It feels somewhat like petroleum, but thicker. I use it on my hands and feet to soften rough edges and around my eyes to help keep (some of) the wrinkles at bay... not sure how well that is working, but it's definitely worth the effort.

So anyway, yesterday as I was sitting down to write, I sat back for a few minutes to enjoy the serene- which was nap time in my house. I drank from my cup of tea and breathed in the silence. Shepherd had settled peacefully into rest and Jacob was fast asleep... or so I thought.

About 20 minutes had elapsed before I got up to get a book. As I entered my room, I noticed a very familiar aroma calling me from my bathroom. I slowly turned the corner into my bathroom (eyes wide open, and music from Psycho playing in my head), only to find Jacob COVERED in my Mary Kay Emollient Cream. That was the very distinct smell that had called me in there. And then I noticed what all Jacob had done with this cream. He painted me a picture in my bathtub, in the sink, on my favorite white shirt of his(the cream is pink... and petroleum), and finally, as I turned one more corner, I saw the toilet... filled with the final drippings from my nearly new tube of Mary Kay Emollient Cream.

Meet Jacob. The same little turkey who colored all over the wall and floor in our old house.. . with a permanent marker. the same turkey who thinks that "no" is an opportunity to negotiate.

Anyway, every day at our house, nap time is the same. We don't typically stray from this routine because it has been working so well, for so long. The scene normally looks like this: I lay Jacob down, I kiss and hug him, and he rolls over and lays there until he falls asleep. It's not difficult or even anything extraordinary. It's just the way nap time is... until yesterday.

So then, a few moments ago, as I was cleaning the kitchen, I caught the (almost tattling) gaze of my sweet 13 month old, cotton-topped little Shepherd and quickly realized it had been at least three minutes since I'd heard Jacob playing with his toys on the living room floor. So, once again, I made the trek in to my bathroom- where I smelled another distinctive smell. This time it was starch. The entire can of spray starch has now been emptied on to my bathroom floor and Jacob? He's sitting in time out, watching me write. I disciplined him and gave him books to read for a little while. In my frustration, I heard myself say this to him: "Jacob! Why can't you just obey?"

The moral? 1- Child locks on the bedroom doors are priceless. And 2- I wonder how many times I've known what God expected of me and gone ahead with my own plans. How many times have I walked in disobedience, expecting grace and forgiveness, forgetting about the consequences that lay ahead? My choices may have been forgiven, but they still have consequences.

In the same way that I will always forgive and always love Jacob- no matter what he says or does, no matter how many bottles of face cream or starch he empties- no matter how far away from me he runs, I know that God will always forgive me, always love me, and always be there for me to run to. But even so, as I was disciplining Jacob, I realized that yes, my plan for Jacob to obey is the best possible plan for him. I know what is best for him right now because I am his mother and can see things that he cannot see at his young age. Likewise, our Heavenly father sees the bigger picture in our lives and knows what is best for us right now.

If I tell him to lay down and rest and he does not, it won't kill him, but it definitely makes things more difficult on him (and the rest of the family) later in the evening. And when God tells me to wait on Him and I choose not to, it likely will not kill me, but it could definitely make things harder on me or my family in the long run. Knowing this, I wondered how many times God looked at me and thought "Why can't you just obey? Just obey and trust that I know, ultimately, what is best for you. Just... obey."

Just a thought to ponder as you finish your morning cup of Joe. I have more thoughts on this but I'm off to play with the little man... Jacob. Because he's served his time in time out and now it's mommy time!

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Living in the Spirit- By Jeff Wells (9/11/11)

2011-09-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

I normally wouldn't put audio pod casts in here, but this was Sunday's message from my church. Click to listen- you absolutely will not regret it! :)

http://www.woodsedge.org/media/index.php?id=348&a=listen

Thursday.

2011-09-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

Thursday. Also known as the day after tomorrow. Thursday will be the first time I get to speak in public since college. In some ways, I don't feel ready, but I already know God has called me to this time, so I fully expect Him to show up and calm my nerves, fully equipping me before then. A few years ago I felt like God was calling me to teach and to write this book- to be entitled NO LONGER I. I don't know why I felt like He wanted me to write- I mean, I have to use spelling (and grammar) checks to send an e-mail- but none-the-less, I have pressed on. I have written in and out of seasons- both good and bad; taking breaks for babies, big kids, the Hottie, and just life in general. I've had many ideas- some good... many not-so-good.

Through it all, I've watched God transform my thought life, almost completely. He's no where close to being done with me, but compared to who I once was, I'd say "We've come a long way, baby!" I'm still wildly flawed and I still feel unusable, but The Lord is working in my life and I can't wait to see where I am at the end of this next season.

In the mean time, I'd simply like to ask for your prayers. Last night I started feeling pretty sick and this morning it was still hanging around. (No people, I'm absolutely 100% NOT pregnant). It's not that kind of sick. It's more like a cold or bronchitis- something of the like. But none-the-less, I have very little voice. I, personally, would be okay with laying in bed all week, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has other plans, so please pray that whatever this is would be gone- along with my nerves and feelings of doubt.

Half of me is super giddy- like a kid on Christmas morning. The other half of me is fighting off the lies that the enemy keeps telling me like: "You're not ready." "This won't be any good- don't waste your time." "No one's going to show up- this is a joke.", and "You're not funny or knowledgeable enough." But I know in my heart that God has given me a word to share and that's exactly what I'm claiming. So I'm standing in His name, declaring that those lies have no place here and that I will be healed in time for Thursday morning.

Thanks for praying (and for your continued support)!

No longer believing the lies,

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

Be Still.

2011-09-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

As I'm sitting here, thinking about the eerie quiet that has overtaken my house, I'm kindly reminded that, yes- at the end of every day, they do crash. And yes, what is left over is a house full of laundry, toys, and dishes to be put away... in that order. There is a stockpile of junk accumulating at the top of my stairs shouting out to me "Organize me!" But instead I'm writing to you fun people.

I have found freedom in blogging- something has been unleashed in me and I'm quite enjoying it. It's a freedom to say what I'm feeling, what I'm struggling with, in my own format (kind of like Facebook, but not limited to 450 characters... though some might wish it was).

And tonight's thought is simple- be still. Yes, I have a to-do list that is longer than Santa's gift list. Yes, I have lunches to prepare and miles to cross on the treadmill. Yes there are 4 loads of clean laundry that will likely get dirty again before they are put away... but I keep feeling this nagging from God to say "be still". So I have turned off the incessant background noise- the movies, Pandora radio, and everything else that I typically use to fill the evening void. I've checked and re-checked to ensure they are truly asleep, not just playing opossum until I get settled. The Hottie is at school and I am here, alone in the quiet... doing my best to not listen to the OCD that fills my head, telling me to get up and get busy. So tonight, it's simple. Be still. Make time to listen, rather than talking to God. Make time to enjoy Him and His presence.

One of my favorite "chick" songs is this: The More I Seek You Click. Listen. Un-busy yourself and just rest tonight, in Him.

No Longer Busy, no longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

NO LONGER I- the study! Coming this fall to a church near you!

2011-08-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

So, starting in two weeks, I will be teaching a ladies' Bible study at my church. The study will take place every Thursday morning from 9:00-11:30, with content derived from my life and from this blog. I know some of you go to my church, while others of you aren't even in the U.S., but I wanted to give you all this information in case you are local and would like to attend. The cost is $25. The study I will be teaching is my own, entitled NO LONGER I.

For more information, or to register, please visit: http://www.woodsedge.org/adults_ministry.php?id=32&tab=61

This is a little blurb I've written about what I will be teaching.

"No Longer I -- Galatians 2:20-21 says "For I have been crucified with Christ and it's no longer I that lives but Christ who lives within me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the son of God who loves me and gave himself for me." Join us this fall as we walk through the scriptures, learning what it means to be Crucified with Christ. We will learn what it means to lay self aside and let Christ live and love through us. We'll discuss practical applications as we work towards becoming the wives, the mothers, the daughters, the sisters, the friends.... the women that God created us to be."

Let me preface the study by saying this- I am no expert. I am about as far from perfect as one can get. I've messed up royally time and time again, but I've learned much and am still learning every day. I know that God is using my story and the stories of those just like me to encourage, teach, and bring hope to others. I am not a know-it-all (though it may seem this way). I am just an ordinary girl who is extraordinarily loved by her creator and loves to share this with others so that they, too can experience this!

I hope you'll join me this fall as we walk through this journey towards living a life crucified with Christ- learning to live, to love in His strength.

No longer afraid of my calling,

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Postpartum Depression... and friends who fold your underwear.

2011-08-30T20:58:00.000-07:00

So I've told you about my depression. It started out as postpartum and just never really went away. So while I'm looking around at a house full of random stuff, I'm anxious on the inside because I don't have the energy (or the time) or emotional capacity to get it all done (and my brain is at odds with my body because I also wrestle with OCD). In fact, sometimes I just get emotional because the old me could conquer this mess in no time- and still have energy to spare.

As it is right now, I can clean all day, literally, and at the end of the day it sometimes looks worse than before. But I also know that's the life of a mom with so many active, young children. In keeping with the warrior spirit, I have made it a point to fight back against my constant, nagging desire to sit and stare at the wall or go to sleep. In fact when I'd much rather put the kids in bed early and find my way to my own comfy pillow, or clean, I've chosen to sit and read a little longer with them or play a little more with them. I want them to feel loved and not second in line to a clean house or to mommy's depression.

So anyway, I have this new friend... who feels nothing like a new friend. In fact, she feels like someone I've known my entire life. It's crazy that in the couple of months we have been acquainted, we've gotten uber close- likely because neither of us has anything better to do than to text when the kids are in bed... just sayin'. But this friend has invested time and energy into me- like diggin deep to find out about what makes me tick, and what makes me feel loved and encouraged. She has been a true God-send in my time of need.

So any how, yesterday she came over to my house... to help fold laundry. Seriously. Six loads of miscellaneous laundry and she dove right in, laughing all the way. So I thought for sure since she had helped with me that, I'd be able to clean my house, but I wasn't. I cooked tonight's dinner last night, then cleaned the kitchen and other miscellaneous things until the hottie came home from school (at 11:00). Then I stayed up with him so that he wouldn't doze off while trying to finish his school work. (That's right... I'm workin' the brownie points.) But then as I finally closed my eyes at 1:00 this morning, it felt like fifteen minutes of sleep and drool before my alarm went off at 6:15 this morning... and at this point, I may or may not have let out a wordy dird.

But in typical "Christi" fashion, I decided today I would conquer this never ending (and honestly, unrealistic) to-do list. I thought I could somehow will myself to have energy.... but clearly my brain had other plans. I tried to get motivated and I started working this morning- while trying to wrestle a cranky one-year-old and a needy three-year-old. I realized quickly that work was not going to get done in that moment and put Shepherd down for nap and retreated to read with Jacob. In no time, I was back in zombie mode. Jacob was busy "reading" and I tried to make myself get up and get busy, but all I could do was stare... and there might have been drooling in there at some point.

After this, I cried because I felt hopeless. I want to be a warrior myself, but during a wonderful quiet time the other day, I asked the Lord to give me some verses. This was one that stuck out to me: "The best army cannot save a king. Nor is great strength enough to save a warrior." Psalm 33:16 My take away was that just because I am strong doesn't mean I can conquer it all. I need to depend on the Lord for strength to get through this depression (NO LONGER I). During a quiet time about a month and a half ago, I felt like God was saying this to me "Nothing to wake you up. Nothing to put you to sleep. Press in to me- for I am all you need."

So I cried out to Him and asked him to send me some help... a prayer which I received the answer to in the form of a friend with way too much free time. :) I'm kidding. She texted tonight and asked if she could come over tomorrow and help me knock out this to-do list, once and for all. She said "I figure if we are going to do life together, we should actually do life together." Ah, what a wise woman! Whereas I like to offer help to others, and not necessarily receive it myself, I think I am in a new season- learning to accept and appreciate when a friend chips in to help with the kids or the laundry. I mean- heck! Only the good ones will fold your tidy whities and still love you at the end of the day!

So here's to the new friends, and the old friends. Here's to doing life together and encouraging one another. Here's to fighting off depression- together- and giving the Lord victory. Thanks for praying!

No longer I,

The real life (really depressed, but amazingly hopeful) mom.

Meet My Papa

2011-08-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

Meet my Papa. Jim Nash.

Today would have been his 91st birthday. This man is one of the most amazing men I have ever met. He deeply loved the Lord, passionately loved his wife. He loved his two sons and his two granddaughters more than life itself. He was such a passionate man (yes, I know this apple didn't fall far from the tree). All in all, when he passed away almost nine years ago, he left an amazing legacy.

For instance- he knew how to love. I would walk in to the kitchen where he was sitting doing a crossword or playing solitaire. He would stand up from his card game, wrap me up in his arms, and whisk me around the kitchen, dancing to whatever tune was forever playing in his head. Then my grandmother would be cooking and after nearly fifty years of marriage, he would walk behind her and affectionately pat her on the back side, causing a little giggle from her. He would sit with me at the table and teach me card and domino games... he even taught me how to talk smack. (Because, yes, awesomeness does run in our family). He taught me how to garden, how to drive a riding lawnmower- and loved on me when I wrecked it in his garage. In this, he taught me forgiveness and unconditional love.

He disciplined me when I was stubborn and encouraged me as I grew. He made me laugh and comforted my tears. He showed me the joy in eating a peach picked fresh from the tree in his driveway and honey fresh from his bee hive. He taught me how to pick strawberries off of the bushes growing in his yard and then enjoyed time with me as we sliced them over some fresh Blue Bell on a hot summer day.

He was so funny, so smart, so genuine. I'll never forget his laugh or his smile. I'll never forget the way he loved my grandmother and the Dallas Cowboys... almost equally. In fact, the only time I ever heard him use and wordy dird was when he was watching the Cowboys lose to someone... those days were sad days in the Nash household. In fact, I'm pretty sure if he were still alive today he'd have a few choice words for the boys... but I digress.

He was a beautiful man. He was always reading, always studying the Word... or playing cards. Every year when August 25 rolls around, I get a little sentimental as I think of this man and the life he lived. I truly believe that the world was a better place because he was in it. I truly believe my life is better because he was in it. I wish you all could have known him and caught a glimpse of what we were so blessed to have.

My heart misses him, but at the same time, is comforted knowing he is so very much better off than he would have been on this earth. He is with God and one day, I'm sure we will meet again where he can wrap me up in his arms and spin me around to whatever tune is then playing in his head. Until then, I'll continue to be a part of the legacy he left. I love you, Papa. I hope I've made you proud. Happy birthday!

A WARRIOR

2011-08-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

Nine years. Nine years ago I walked down the aisle towards my best friend- the man who would forever change the woman I was to become. Nine years ago I was a scared kid, walking into what I thought was going to be my happily ever after. I thought marriage was all fun and games, but I had so many lessons to learn. I had so far to grow. So this year for our nine year anniversary, we were exhausted and wanted to relax, so we went to see Harry Potter- yes, the newest one. Don't judge. It wasn't half bad. Whereas I typically have not enjoyed the rest of the HP movies, I kind of liked this one- not for any specific HP reasons. I liked it because I felt like I gathered some really cool blogging material from it... and yet, somehow I have only blogged once in the past month.

No, I haven't been off on some amazing summer vacation. And no, I haven't forgotten about the blog. Actually, it's been quite the contrary. We've been on a huge roller coaster in our home for a while now so I have taken a much-needed break to focus on my family. That, and I honestly have just been overwhelmed. I felt like I was in deep, way too deep. With Kyle in school full time and me practically becoming a single mom while he is gone, I found myself deep in depression. I was on a medication to help with the depression, but for me this only made the problem so much worse. I became a zombie almost over night and I couldn't function, so I stopped taking the medicine.

So that means that for the past month, with no medicine, I have been battling this depression alone. I know what I should have done was reach out and ask for prayer, but my vision was already too clouded and the enemy had blinders set up to keep me from seeing the truth of what God wanted me to see. Oddly enough, during the course of the past month, while the enemy has covered my home with his attack, the Lord has been so faithful to protect the hearts of my children and my husband. He has sustained all of us through what could have been a devastating season ending in divorce and destruction.

For this, I praise Him. But the season is not over. I know God is still working and thus, the enemy is working equally as hard to try to prevent me from seeing God during this time. I realized that during these last months, while my two oldest children were at home, I had limited quiet times (time to read, time to pray, time to just be still). There were days when I had no quiet time at all. And trust me- on those days, EVERYONE knew it. I had no self control. I screamed at my kids, I disrespected Kyle, I was generally a joy-less woman. In this, I had given the enemy victory. But praise God that those blinders have been removed.

*sidenote- is it weird that i feel like singing "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way." CLICK HERE for the full song. I digress... yet again.

Anyway, those of you who have not seen the most recent HP movie need to know this is a spoiler, so don't read on if you don't want to know what happens.

***SPOILER ALERT***

There is a scene during the movie where Voldemort's army is moving in on Hogwarts School (where all of the main characters are located). So the elders go to the perimeters surrounding the school and they cast a unified spell. Their spell creates a dome of protection that will kill Voldemort's forces if they try to cross the boundary created by the spell. Then there are also soldiers made of stone that are protecting the wizards inside. It's a really powerful scene if your mind works like mine.

While watching this scene, I cried. Seriously. During a Harry Potter movie I cried. I know- it's okay to judge me now. I wasn't thinking about the movie in terms of Harry Potter. I was thinking in terms of real life. That scene struck me because I felt as though, unlike the elders in that movie, I was not prepared for battle- for war. I was ignorant in trying to defend myself against this invisible enemy. I didn't strap on the sword of the spirit or any of the rest of the full armor of God (CLICK HERE TO READ THE VERSES ON THIS).

What was happening in my mind was not even a small battle- it was a full on war and I was losing because I was fighting this battle alone. Isn't that what this blog is supposed to be about?? NOT walking in my own strength, but really finding power walking through life in HIS strength?!? Clearly I allowed one too many distractions to come into my life and to thwart my thinking. I was not responsible for my thought life which really sent me on a downward spiral.

So while I was watching this Harry Potter- it hit me like a bolt of lightning- I need to be preparing for war. I know it's a constant, ongoing thing in my mind, but when I get comfortable, I let my guard down. This is when the enemy rushes in. 1 Peter 5:8-9 says this: "⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings."

Ladies and gentlemen, there it is. In black and white. 1- I'm not alone. I'm NOT alone!!! "the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 2- I NEED to stand my guard and strap on this armor because we have seen the effects of what can happen when we don't. He is a lion and we are his prey. My marriage is his prey. My mind is his prey. My children... they are his prey.

I met a woman the other day at the gym who referred to me as a warrior. I mean, clearly she must have seen me working out, right? (mental image in the moment = XENA, warrior princess- thanks to ADD.) Actually, she was referring to me as a woman of God. But I haven't felt very much like a warrior. I have felt more like a failure and have somehow lost my sense of purpose, of direction.

But, I'm back. No more sitting idly by, watching the enemy take control over my household, my marriage, and my children. I am taking back control and putting it back in God's hands. Kyle and I almost separated during these past couple of months, but we have recommitted to one another and to God and let me say this- this warrior is in it to win it. I don't have any magic spells to cast a dome of protection around our home, but I do have prayer and the rest of the armor of God- and that is ever-so-much more powerful than any silly "magician" could ever imagine. So here's to nine more years and then nine more and nine more and however many more the Lord has for us!

No longer fighting on my own. No longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

Behold, The Power of Words

2011-08-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

So I got a card in the mail today. It's about 5 days early, but when I saw the card, my inner 6-year-old jumped for joy, for I recognized the handwriting on the outside of the card. It was that same handwriting that I had tried so hard to forge in the third grade... unsuccessfully, I might add. It was the handwriting of my beloved mother. And the card wasn't just any card. It was my birthday card. Yes, folks, I will be a whopping 29 this year... again... for the third time. :) Too bad my kids know my true age (and broadcast it EVERYWHERE), or I might try to stay 29 until it's time to turn 39 repetitively.

Anyway, I have been having one of those days... one of those months, really. It's just been kind of a difficult season for me. So naturally, I've been having to battle the war in my mind. And today was one of those days where I was inches from tears when the kids brought the mail to me. On some levels I've felt like a failure and on some levels, I feel undefined and unaccomplished and just... blah! (I love that my vocabulary is so large at midnight)

So I expected some kind of cutesy-tootsie card from my mom- because that's just how she is. They usually make me laugh or make me smile, but it takes a lot to reach my core and affect me the way this card did. When I opened up my card, I read this: "I see a young lady out in the world, following her dreams, doing good, and making a difference. Then I think, Hey, that's my kid. (open card) That's my pride and joy. Happy birthday to a daughter who's so inspiring. And loved."

So clearly my love languages are changing... words of affirmation is moving on up the list. This card affected me deeply. All of those feelings of worthlessness, of doubt that I'm making any kind of a difference, of frustration with my life... all of them are gone. I feel affirmed. I feel valued. I feel loved. And I don't share this for any other reason except to say- next time you think a friend or loved one needs to hear from you... send them a text, drop them an e-mail (or, Heaven forbid, a hand-written card) and let them know how much you appreciate them. You never know how much a single sentence can dramatically change the course of one's day.

So, thanks mom. Thanks for helping to make this birthday (this 29+th birthday) so special. Thank you for reaching out to me with these words and encouraging me. You are a blessing, and you are loved.

No Longer I,

The Real Life (young) Mom

Time Flies

2011-07-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

So, last night I was given the very distinct honor and pleasure of holding the most perfect, precious little angel in the world. Her name is Lily Elizabeth and she was born three days ago to my dear friend Claire. This is Claire's first trip down baby lane, so as I visited her in her home, I was tickled by the hovering, the oooing and ahhhing by her parents and grandparents. And then I noticed that I was doing the same thing.

Then as I sat back and watched my friend settle comfortably into nursing her child, I looked over at my eight year old angel and like a brick wall, I realized I now have less than ten years with this angel in my home... unless she's a mooch and decides that she wants to live with us forever. Somehow I don't see that happening, so I think I'm looking at less than ten years with her.

What the heck?!?! Where did the time go? I feel like the wind just got knocked out of my sail. I mean, I spent so much time waiting for her to grow up and teaching her, guiding her, arguing with her, laughing with her, but in reality, what did I DO with that time? Has it made a difference? I mean, have I wasted these first eight years, or have I honored God with the time I've spent?

Since the invention of Facebook, I know for certain I have wasted an insane amount of time... doing nothing. I'm not sure what the pull is to Facebook, but for some reason, I can waste more time trying to come up with the next most entertaining status or trying to find out other people's business than I do focusing on my own business. Somehow I have lost my way- lost my priorities. Facebook isn't the only culprit. I often find my days have been occupied with so many other seemingly important things like housework or errands or other "important" tasks.

I read this quote on my friend's Facebook Wall the other day and it made me think: "I really am your gift. I am not just a little person who needs to be "raised" and taught, and taken to activities....I came to the people in my life to bring a message: slow down. Feel. Be. Over and over again. When you do, you will notice immediately, that I am not an obstacle to your work, or inconvenience to your daily life. Instead, you will come to appreciate my honesty, humor, presence and love."-- Bruce Scott

I had several thought trains after reading this. My First thought was- wow. They really are my gifts. I know I sometimes take them for granted. I have spent so much time wishing their lives away that I have completely missed out on what's been right in front of me for years. It started when they were babies. I couldn't wait until they could sit up- then I couldn't wait until they could crawl- then walk- then talk... and pretty soon they weren't little babies any more. They were toddlers. Then I couldn't wait until they were older so they were more mature. Then they got older and I wanted them to stop growing. It's too bad I can't keep them young forever...

Knowing that time travel and freezing time aren't an option for anyone except Marty McFly, I think I'll just take more advantage of the time I have with them. I'm currently at home with them... during the summer. I've been busy all summer making memories with them and teaching them but the past couple of weeks as the stress has built up, I've gotten back into the housework rut. I learned that housework is my escape from having to be hands on with reality. So, recognizing that, I think I'll step away from the mop and the broom and make a little more time for Yahtzee and Hop Scotch.

So, Claire and Aron (and all of you other new parents), if I could offer you one piece of advice, I'd say- take advantage of this time you have with your little angel(s). Take time to soak in every single memory, every single breath. Don't wish her life away, instead, thank God for each of the moments you have with her. Don't get so caught up with getting everything right and being the perfect parent- but rather- focus on the perfect gift that you have been given. When she's ready, she'll crawl and walk, and eventually talk... and eventually talk back to you (yes, that part is SO much fun). In the mean time, oooh and ahhhh and cuddle that little piece of Heaven all you can.

As for me, I'm going to cuddle all of mine and enjoy the rest of my summer making memories that will last the rest of this lifetime. Here's to the parents, young and old, experienced and inexperienced: May you never forget what is right in front of you as you walk this blessed journey.

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Jail... Been There, Done That

2011-07-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

So, I've been to jail. Judge me. Go ahead. Is it okay that I admit that? I mean... I hope this doesn't discredit me or disqualify me from being a Christian author. Anywho, I wrote a check when I was about 18 years old and it bounced. I moved about 10 times after I wrote it, so it never caught up with me... until I was about 25 and driving to church on Wednesday night.

My mother in law was in town visiting and I got pulled over for an expired sticker. That's when the fun started. Before I knew it, I was cuffed (ever-so-tightly) and in the plastic back seat of a police car- because, yes, they issue warrants for hot checks- just in case you were wondering. So for about three minutes, I thought I was on candid camera- but the fiery redhead who arrested me wasn't laughing and seriously missed out when they distributed the humor in the personality line. So anyway, I had completely forgotten about everything I did when I was 18. I was now a mother of two and an upstanding, church-going, tax-paying citizen... who was on her way to jail. Seriously.

Apparently they take that stuff pretty seriously in Montgomery County, sooooooo.... I spent a very long night in jail (because, of course by the time I got pulled over, the judge had gone home for the day). So I had to change out of my clean-smelling, cute church clothes and into some awesome jail scrubs. Then I was escorted to a room that was about 12' X 12' (if that) where I met and befriended the "Queen" of the Latin Queens gang as well as about 20 other very interesting ladies with whom I spent the next 24 hours getting to know. There was a 17 year old girl in there who was about 12 weeks pregnant by an unknown partner. She was in jail for skipping school (who knew you could go to jail for this?) There were about 5 women who were coming down off of one drug or another. There were women in there for robbery, for fighting, for prostitution, and for so many other things- mostly drugs or DUIs. So it was a fun night of "Guess why she's here."

Because I was the low man on the totem pole (first offender- whereas most of these ladies were multiple repeat offenders), the "Queen" guarded me, agreed to protect me. She shared the tiny bench with me so that I could have a place to sit and made sure the ladies who were coming down off of Meth kept their distance from me. Apparently some of these ladies were friends... or at least acquaintances. Needless to say, I was scared, felt out of place, and had no idea how long I would be there or what would happen to my kids.

I used the pay phone to call the hottie... collect. He had to work the next day, so guess who had the honor of watching my kids while I sat in jail, awaiting my turn with the judge? You guessed it- my MOTHER IN LAW!!! Kill me. I seriously had no idea how I was ever going to explain that. "Hi, Terry... yeah... I'm in jail. I know you thought I was a good little church girl, but apparently I have a naughty side, so could you watch my kids while I sort this out? Last time, I swear." She was so sweet and non-judgmental... at least, as far as I know. She stayed with the kids and then MY MOM came to bail me out the next evening. Could it gt any worse???

So for 24 hours I was stuck in a room with feisty females- most of whom I wouldn't have otherwise gotten an opportunity to meet. But I learned something- most of them were so much like me- hurting, searching for something to fill a void. In that one day, I was able to visit with this sweet, young, confused girl and encourage her. I listened as these women explained their hurts, their pain, their frustrations with men, with life, with family. They were real people with real pain. Some of them made one stupid choice and it forever changed their lives... sound familiar? I've been there. I've done that. I paid my physical debt and my slate was wiped clean (not too clean.) I was warned that I would never be able to be president... because, you know, that was on my radar before all of this went down (i'msokidding).

But while I was in there, I was thinking and analyzing. I was thinking that these people- just like you and me- these were people Christ died to save. He didn't just die to save the "church-going, tax-paying, clean-cut, upper-middle-class citizens". He died to save the gang members, the robbers, the murders, the drug addicts, the liars, the gossipers, the slanderers, the poor, the rich, the blue collar, the young, the old, the clean, the dirty, the smart, the not-so-smart, the funny, the boring, the educated, the girl working in the McDonald's drive through, the police man, the fireman, the business man, the pilot, the janitor, the unemployed, the boss who degrades his employees, the sexual offenders, the pastors, the teachers, the students, the actors, the gays, the heterosexuals, the athletes, the obese, the bus drivers, the man next to you in traffic who just cut you off, the man who held up the bank yesterday, the rude man at the grocery store and the woman he knocked over in line, the woman at the post office, the lifeguard, the camp counselor, the prostitutes, the President of the United States, the computer repair guy, the Mary Kay lady, that annoying Facebook guy, the football hero, the cheerleader, the biggest nerd in school, the choir kids, your best friend, your worst enemy, and the list goes on and on...

I realize that Tom Cruise may have coined the phrase "You complete me" when he professed his undying love to Renee Zelwegger, but the truth is, there is not one person or one thing outside of God's love that will ever complete us. I realized that I've spent far too much time inside of my bubble and far too little time trying to impact the ones who have yet to hear what we bubble dwellers already get to see and hear every week- that God created us all so that He could love us and then died for US ALL. People everywhere are searching for hope- for truth- for this truth: The Bible doesn't say "for God so loved THE CHURCH that He gave His only begotten son..." John 3:16 reads "For God so love THE WORLD that He gave His only begotten son. That whosoever would believe in Him would not perish but have everlasting life."

So no, I may not ever become President of the United States (thank goodness!) but I do believe I have a word to share- God died for US ALL- for THE WORLD. I need to remember these little lessons when I get stuck inside of my bubble. As I clean out the closet and share my skeletons with you all, just remember- we're not all that different. I'm still growing and still changing, still learning and still being reminded that there are so many out there who need to hear this wonderful news. For now, I'm just so glad to have had an opportunity to get out and to experience real people, just like myself...

No Longer stuck in the bubble, No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Freedom

2011-07-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Some people write eloquently- I am not one of them. Some people use mature, SAT-type words when they blog to sound more sophisticated- my vocabulary is not that extensive, so again, I am not one of these people. Some people like to paint pretty pictures of the lives they live and paint an unattainable ideal while the rest of us ponder our lives and beat ourselves up for not living up to those expectations- so I may have done this a few times. I think I used to be really guilty of this. I wanted everyone to think I had it all together, but folks, let's face it- I don't. I'm still very much a work in progress.

A friend told me once that she read my blog and my posts on Facebook and it made her feel bad. This, in turn, made me feel bad. My goal is to minister to others- to reach out and encourage, but by "having it all together", I think some of my writing may have had the opposite effect. So, here I am- I'm going to let a few skeletons out of this closet and let you all see a few pieces of me.

When I was about 19 I moved in with some friends from my church and got a job about a mile and a half away that I was able to walk to. While there, I was told I needed some better clothes to wear to work. I didn't have any money, so I stole some clothes and shoes. Yes- that's right. I stole. I was a thief. I got caught and repaid my debt but it caught up with me. A former co-worker shared this information with someone else and... well, let's face it- when you're from a small town, EVERYONE knows EVERYTHING. So, my business became the business of others. I never tried to justify it- I made a stupid choice and was forced to make up for the mistake.

Fast forward a couple of years. I was living with some friends in an apartment. At this time, my job was to clean for the family of one of these friends. So once a week I would clean the house of my friend's parents to help earn income to pay the bills. At the end of this season, I was accused of stealing from these people. They had misplaced a few valuable items (which, later turned up- and not by my hand) and came straight to me because, you know- someone who stole once is officially a thief, right? Wrong. This hurt so badly, but it was also a consequence of the choice I had made a few years earlier.

Try as I might, I wasn't able to convince them I had not taken anything. They continued to spread the word- to pastors, to friends, to family... it got to the point where it felt awkward to be in the homes of friends because it felt like they, too would think I was a thief. I stole one time... one time and it labelled me. I tried to claim that verse "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" 2 Cor. 5:17 but my friends and roommates made the choice to believe the lies.

A few years passed and I saw this woman- the mother of my friend. She was the woman who had spread the rumors and lies to everyone I knew. She walked up to me in a dark church parking lot and greeted me with a silent, long hug, and a kiss on the cheek. It was as if she were- in her own way- apologizing for what she had done. Her own choice had been no different then mine. What I stole was physical, but what she stole was so much more. She slandered me and revealed my past to others so that they might also believe I had stolen again. She stole my life. My integrity that I had worked so hard to rebuild. Once I left the retailer, I committed to God and to myself that I would never allow myself to be tempted in that way again and since then- I have not. I truly believe that God freed me from that label so that I might not be known and Christi, the thief, but Christi- child of God, mother to the millions (or 5...), wife to the Hottie, and so many other beautiful crowns that I wear.

But I don't share that to say- hey, look at me! I share that because I know at times, we have all worn hats of different kinds. My label was thief. Perhaps your label has been gossip, or judgement. Perhaps it's coveting or adultery (yes, even in the mind). It could be anything, but we've all struggled with wearing a label. I've had so many that, at times I forget whose I really am.... I am His. And if you aren't sure which hat you are wearing- or how people see you based on your past, let me remind you of this: "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! ⁸ And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ. And God has given us this task of reconciling people to him. ¹⁹ For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation. So we are Christ’s ambassadors; God is making his appeal through us. We speak for Christ when we plead, “Come back to God!”²¹ For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin,^[e] so that we could be made right with God through Christ."

So just as I had been forgiven of my sin and was made new, I forgave this precious woman and have since had a wonderful relationship with her and her entire family. What freedom forgiveness can bring!

So anyway, I just thought I would share that with you tonight. Again, I know it's not the best writing you've ever read, or the most sophisticated, but these words are mine, from my heart. I know some of you are long time friends and supporters of mine and for that, I thank you. Others of you do not know me and may never meet me this side of Heaven. Thank you for reading anyway. And if you don't understand why I write, it's very simple. I have a heart to encourage people- people who are like-minded, people who are not like-minded. I believe it's my job to bring God's hope and light into the world. I know you may not like or agree with everything I write- and that's great! I love feedback and I'd love to hear your opinions- even the negative ones. If my blog is offensive, keep reading- one of these days I'm bound to write something you'll like, and if not, there are millions of other bloggers out there who are hungry for new readers.

I hope one of these days I can encourage each and every one of you. Just know- you may not understand it, but I'm praying for you- each and every one of you. Thanks for reading!

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Rise and Shine!

2011-06-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

I may be dating myself a bit here, but when I was young, they taught us that uber annoying song in church "Ri-ise, and shi-ine, and give God the glory, glory!" You know this song. I know you do. And if you don't, you're probably too young to enjoy this blog anyway.

*Sidenote- does it ever seem like my blog is one big ADD reel, complete with rabbit trails and random thoughts of digression?

Any how... where was I? Oh yes! The song. So last year when I replaced my broken phone, I noticed I had an alarm on my phone. Because, yes... my phone is now officially smart (and broken, as well- thankyouverymuch Shepherd.) So for my alarm, I decided I would write the lyrics to that song. I thought it would be a super brilliant idea to get that song stuck in my head every single morning until... until I remembered to delete it (note to self- delete annoying alarm).

So every single morning at 6:00a.m., my phone sends me a text message saying "Rise and shine and give God the glory!" You're welcome. I know it's stuck in your head now, too. At the time, though, this seemed like a brilliant plan. I was feeling super "Christian" when I did it. I guess I thought if I saw that little beeping note that I would suddenly be transformed in to this amazing, wonder-Christian. Um.. not so much. Honestly, most mornings I just hit the ignore button. And some mornings I hear the buzz and think of a curse word because I'm still too tired. So perhaps this wasn't the most brilliant plan...

But then there are mornings like today. I didn't hear the buzz this morning because I was too busy drooling on my pillow. However, when I did manage to unstick my pillow case from my face and wipe away last night's mascara, I looked down at that little reminder on my phone. I went to hit ignore, but something made me open it. When I read it, I saw this "Rise and shine and give God the glory!" And for once, I didn't want to scream, or whine about how tired I was. I realized why I had put that in there. It wasn't to remind me never to traumatize my children with annoying songs. It was so that I could remember why God put me here. Yes, I did manage to have a deep thought before I had my coffee (who knew?!?)

But it made me think of this verse: "Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." So then as I dressed this morning and went about my day, I stopped and made time to think about my actions and my words. I made a conscious choice to honor God as often as I remembered. So maybe I shouldn't delete that little alarm. It kind of makes me think of the Sunny D guy anyhow.. made me giggle today and who knows what will happen tomorrow?

As I'm about to nod off, I have one thought- today, I chose to honor God. I don't know what tomorrow holds for me and for my family, but in spite of the difficulties and tough news that came my way today, I was blessed indeed. So here's to being transformed by a silly little preschool song- here's to being renewed and to being reminded why we are here- to give HIM all honor and glory.

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Answered Prayers... Savannah And Other Miracles

2011-06-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

Since I was sharing with you that I was trusting God for some pretty huge things, I wanted to share with you some pretty awesome requests that He has answered over the years.

Let's start with Savannah.

Have I ever told you how she came into my world? I didn't give birth to this little angel, but God knew I'd need her. Savannah is my step daughter (Kyle's daughter from before we were married). When I was 20, a doctor told me I would likely never have children... ha! I was DEVASTATED because I loved children so much (and when I say loved... I don't mean in the past tense- except at 6:00am on Saturday morning when all I want to do is sleep in... but I digress). I desperately wanted children of my own, but had given up any hopes I had after that horrible doctor visit.

So anyway, after Kyle and I started dating, he told me he had a baby. Her name was Savannah. The first time I met her, I fell in love... like head over heels, I wish I had given birth to you so I could hold you all of the time and love on you like my own baby... L.O.V.E, mother-child love. Then Kyle and I got pregnant (SURPRISE, DOC!) and shortly, thereafter, we were married. We were able to see Savannah every other weekend, but there was so much strife between her mother and I that it became more of a hassle.

Then we gave birth to Trinity and those feelings of selfless, adoring love came flooding right back in. It wasn't when I first saw her... I mean, I WAS on some pretty intense drugs and kind of out of it, so to me she looked more like an alien, less like what I thought a newborn should look like. Buuuuuuuttttt.... eventually they placed her in my arms and I fell deeply in love with that little alien. I cuddled her and loved her and couldn't wait to bring her home.

A couple of years (and some tragic situations) passed and then I was supposed to be picking Savannah up from her 2nd birthday party outside of Chuck-e-Cheese. Being the mature woman I was, I allowed myself to get drawn in to an argument over emotions about Kyle and so many other unimportant details. I said things to Savannah's mom (Heather) that I should NEVER have said. I acted in a way that was so unbecoming... blame it on the hormones because did I mention that I was pregnant by this time... again??? (I seriously need to give that genius doctor a Christmas card... from my whole family). I digress... yet again. Blame it on the ADD.

Anyway, I went home from that party without Savannah and very upset with her mother. I felt so justified in my thoughts and actions and I just knew she was wrong... but it didn't matter. That night, God gripped my heart. He told me He had a plan to use this precious baby (Savannah) for His glory and that I should make every attempt to reconcile with heather. So I did. I wrote this woman an eight page letter- during which, I poured out my heart. I apologized for the way I acted, for the words I said. I told her how I felt God was telling me to make it right. I didn't remember what all was said, but I presented the letter to her with cupcakes (a sort of peace offering). Not sure if it was the letter or the cupcakes, but something got to her... :)

That day, my life changed forever. God used that letter to open the door for a beautiful friendship to begin. He brought Heather and I so very close. He allowed a friendship/ mentor-mentee relationship to begin and seven years later, we are closer than we've ever been. That's not to say we never disagree or argue, but as with any friendship, we have come together in His name, for His glory. God has used this situation to bless Heather's family and my own. He has allowed freedom where bondage would otherwise dwell.

Not only did God give me four children of my very own, but He also gave me a precious angel and her mother to love. I don't share that so I can boast of anything awesome that I did. If I had things my way, I would have ignored God and there's no telling where we'd be today. But I wanted to share this to show you how awesome God is! Against all odds, God used this situation to turn me into a mom- a real life mom. So I praise Him for the opportunity to know and love this precious angel and her family. And I praise Him for working in a seemingly-hopeless situation to bring Him all honor and glory!

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

All Things

2011-06-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you I wasn't supposed to be able to have children? Yep. That's right. About ten years ago, a doctor confirmed that I had severe endometriosis, causing scarring that would prevent me from having children. 1,874,328 children later, I can clearly see that God had other plans. I have some friends who haven't had it so easy, though.

I can remember sitting in our class on Sunday morning about 4 years ago. I was pregnant with my third child- a TOTAL surprise (as were they all). A friend of mine had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years. I announced that I was pregnant. My friend said that she was completely broken-hearted because so many of us "just so happened" to get pregnant and at this point, she would have done anything for a baby of her own. I felt horrible.

So I began to pray for this couple. I wanted God to intervene and bless this precious family with a child of their own. But He did not. Another year passed and they were still not pregnant. Then something crazy happened. God had been moving in my heart and in my life. He was changing me and teaching me how to pray and to trust Him. During one of my quiet times, I felt like he was telling me that I needed to pray over this couple- like out loud. Because... you know... ya,I didn't know either. At this point, I was NOT one to pray out loud. The very thought made my sweat... like under the arms, ringing wet, shaky voice, sweat.

This was a huge step in my prayer life. I remember hearing a sermon during this time about faith and what it meant to really trust God. I had always told people I'd pray for them and usually just went on about my own business, but something inside of me was really changing. I felt like God was really pressing me to be bold- to step out in prayer. I asked these friends of mine if they would meet me at a Wednesday night prayer service. I was nervous. I mean, what if God didn't answer? What if I looked like an idiot? What if I gave them false hope and they really weren't supposed to have any children? Would they hate me?

More than nervous, I was afraid of what would happen if I wasn't obedient. I mean- would He still work? I knew He was telling me to do this, so the excitement of watching Him work conquered any fears that I had. So my friends met me down front one Wednesday evening and I prayed for them. I laid my hands on them and I prayed the first bold prayer I'd ever prayed. I claimed life in a dry womb. I claimed victory in Jesus name. And for the first time in my life, I felt like God was giving me authority to speak in His name. So I claimed that in His name, this beautiful couple would be blessed with a child. I was so excited because from my core, I felt like God was really going to do this- to honor this prayer. But still, a small part of me was nervous.

For the next month, I continued to pray and believe that He was going to work. One night, God gave me a dream of that sweet family and with them- a precious little child. And then I knew. I knew He'd done it. So the next time I saw them at church, without hesitation, I asked her if she was pregnant. The tears of joy in her eyes were all of the confirmation I needed. God had, indeed answered our prayers. He blessed this family with their very greatest desire and gave them their first child.

I don't think there was anything magical about my prayer. I don't think God needed me to do this. I think he could have and would have performed this miracle with or without me. He chose me for this particular task and today I was so blessed to learn that they are now expecting their third baby. It wasn't just about a baby. It was about learning to trust. I saw God show up in a way I'd previously only ever heard of and that experience didn't just bless me- it caused my faith to multiply exponentially and increased the faith of my family and the faith of everyone we knew.

I read this in my quiet time today: "The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with." James 5:16 And to this, I say amen. This experience taught me so many things, but one of the greatest things I learned was that prayer is the real work. God doesn't NEED us to pray, He WANTS us to pray- to admit that we are not in control. I love that verse- something powerful to be reckoned with. Alone, we can do nothing, but Matthew 19:26 says "Jesus said to them, “With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

So, congratulations to my dear friends! I cannot wait to meet your new little prince or princess! Every time I see your sweet family, I am reminded of just how powerful prayer really is! Thanks for letting me be a part of this fabulous journey with you guys! A few years ago, I never would have dreamed we'd be hearing the announcement of the third baby. This is such a testimony of God's awesome power and His goodness.

"With God ALL things are possible."

No Longer I (in my prayer life),

The Real Life Mom

Perspective

2011-06-21T07:58:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a little bi-polar in my posting. One day you see the super-happy-almost-as-if-I-were-on-drugs post and then you have the what-in-the-world-whoa-is-me-whiney-girl post. I hope you know by now that I am on medication for this. I'm so kidding. But I was laughing at myself after I posted yesterday's post about feeling let down by God and being honest about it- because after I posted it, I clicked on the "view blog" link. As I was re-reading the post, I read the post before it where I joyfully described praying big and why it's important to pray until something happens and all of my own posts from the Christi version of Hallmark's "Jesus" collection.

So anyway, as I was laying in bed last night, I was thinking to myself. First I felt somewhat like an idiot for being so transparent with my emotions on the blog. But then I really felt silly for not doing that much sooner. I think sometimes people look at the blog and think I seem to have all of the right answers, or that my life is so "put together", but in reality, I blog what I want you to see. So where you see me and my life as being super-positive, it's usually only after wrestling with some really tough stuff.

So as I was laying in bed last night, I went through the whole realm of emotions. I prayed and when I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere with my prayers, I went through the ACTS prayer: Adoration. Confession. Thanksgiving. Supplication. And then it hit me. Perspective.

For me, perspective can be the difference between "I have 100 pounds to lose" and "I've lost 14 pounds already!" Or "My life is so hard right now" and "Wow- life could be so much more difficult... thank you Lord for all you have done for me." So it started with the adoration... that's when my heart started changing as I verbalized who He is. Then in the confession, I realized how selfish I had been in not realizing where God had shown up and how He has blessed me. I then took time to thank Him for all that He has done... which has really been oh so much! He has blessed me and my precious family so very much. He has shown us His love and has poured out his blessings in spite of all of our screw ups, in spite of my multiple personalities :) in spite of my selfishness and sin. He has been there for me- even when I haven't seen or felt Him. And even though I may not feel Him now, He is here.

I held a VBS at my house last week and one of the key points that I was teaching the kids was that faith is trusting in what you can't see because of what you can see. Did you get that? Don't miss it. My kids know this and have been reciting it to me for weeks now (thankyouverymuch WoodsEdge-Kid zone!) :) Faith is trusting in what you can't see because of what you can see. Wow. I can see God. I see Him everywhere- in the trees, in the rain that we ARE going to get today... right? :) I see him in my children's smiles and in my precious marriage (THANK YOU LORD!) I hear Him when my kids laugh and when I feel the wind blow on a hot day. I see Him in the health of my children and in all of the amazing ways that He has provided for us.

I see Him. I may be going through some really tough stuff and I may not always feel Him near. I may have felt like He abandoned us, but that's because I forgot... I lost my perspective. He is here. He does love me. he has not left me. A token from the Jesus collection "I will never leave you or forsake you." He promised us that in His word. So who am I to question that? Just because I can't feel Him doesn't mean He isn't working. So I need to choose to have faith- to trust in what I can't see because of what I can see. :)

Here's to more of us being real and choosing joy as we change our perspective and choose to trust. Thank you Lord for your promises.

Signing off- No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Better Than A Hallelujah

2011-06-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

So I know sometimes I'm like "Sally Christian", meaning that I think I have the right answers, or at least Hallmark's answers from their "Jesus" collection- you know, things like "God never gives us more than we can handle" or "Everything happens for a reason"... blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes I get tired of the sound of my voice- or the words I've written. And then sometimes I read the things I write and I think to myself- huh... good thoughts. Maybe I should try applying them. But today? Today I don't have any answers. I don't have any advice or great thoughts to share. Today I just want to curl up in a bawl and cry.

It's been one of those weeks... actually, it's been a season of tough weeks, off and on. Kyle and I are doing well, but the hand we've been dealt is a tough one to play. Most of the time I choose to have a better attitude, but this week I feel like life's really been piling it on and so right now all I want to do is cry... but I'm literally too numb to even do that.

You see, I prayed for some really big things. I asked God to intervene on so many levels in so many different areas of my life... and He didn't. With all of my heart, I believed He would show up and rescue us, but it didn't happen the way I thought it would. I felt like He'd let us down. I felt like He had turned His back on us. I asked Him what I had done wrong or why I was being punished. And there was no answer. I screamed. I shouted at Him. I cried to Him. All I wanted was an answer, but as of yet.... nothing. I was actually mad at God. Isn't that funny? Mad. At God. Huh.

Sometimes writing is therapeutic for me. I analyze life as I write it out and sometimes I come up with a solution either through prayer or scripture but this time I'm dry. I have no answers. I just know that there is a song I hear often on the radio by Amy Grant. I think it's called Better Than a Hallelujah. One of the lines "We pour out our misery, but God just hears a melody. Beautiful, the mess we are! Honest cries of breaking hearts... better than a hallelujah sometimes." Yeah... not feeling so beautiful right now- actually feeling more mess than beautiful.

None-the-less, I'll keep crying out to Him. Even though I don't feel Him here. Even though I'm in a desert time. I tried to worship in church yesterday but it felt so forced and all I wanted to do was scream "SERIOUSLY??!?!?" I guess I just feel like He would rather me be honest with Him than sing meaningless words from an empty place. Even so, something within me fought against these emotions in church. I fought to try to connect with Him in worship, but I was still numb.

Anyway, I know I'm long winded. I guess all of these words today could be summed up by saying this- please pray for me. More than anything right now, I don't need words. I don't need to be encouraged or to hear anything more from Hallmark. I just need HIM. Thanks for listening and thanks for praying. Deep down, I know He is listening and I know He is there, so please just don't stop praying. He will come through and He will turn my mourning in to dancing... eventually. In the mean time, this is me- about as real as it gets, signing off.

Still working on becoming... NO LONGER I.

The Real Life Mom.

Pray Big

2011-06-08T10:04:00.000-07:00

First trimester. Four years ago. I was pregnant with Jacob and although he was my third child, I had never experienced sickness before so I was unprepared for this. Within the first few weeks I got sick... like really sick. Like more sick than I had ever been in my life. I was married to my bathroom but still had two toddlers (one with special needs) to take care of. The sickness lasted for about 16 weeks, during which I was teaching Trinity how to pray. I can remember about week ten she came into the bathroom one day while I was sick and asked if she could pray for me. I thought surely it wouldn't make a difference, but, clearly I was wrong. You see, Trinity honestly thought that if she asked God for something He would make it happen. She believed. She prayed with childlike faith and as soon as she stopped praying and removed her hands from my tummy, I felt better. I was amazed. She did this every day until the sickness was completely gone and each time I would feel better right away.

That entire pregnancy was a lesson in prayer and faith for me. I had prayed for things in the past and felt like God hadn't come through for me, so I had little to no faith in His abilities. I had put Him inside of a box. But Trinity still believed. She knew without a doubt that God would heal me... and He did (each time increasing both her faith and mine). I don't know how God works or why He chooses to answer some prayers and not others. I don't know why He chooses to heal some and not others. I do know that He has a plan and that His ways, although mysterious are ultimately the best ways... but even still- trusting when you feel like you've been let down or ignored can be difficult.

I remember when my parents separated 15 years ago. I prayed for FOREVER for them to reconcile. I honestly believed God would bring them back together but that didn't happen. They divorced and each went on to live separate lives. I've prayed for freedom from certain struggles for most of my life and still... they remain. Since we've been married we've had financial struggles. In the beginning we were just poor stewards of our income. Then we took steps to become better stewards of what God had given us but still... we struggled (and continue to struggle). I have prayed and prayed- I have prayed- face down on the floor, bawling my eyes out. I have begged and pleaded. I have wrestled with God on this for our entire nine year marriage... and still, things are tight. In fact, they are beyond tight. This past week I wrote checks for a few bills. I thought we'd have the money. I was sure it would be there. I prayed and trusted God and I just knew without a shadow of a doubt that the money would be there... but it wasn't.

Kyle barely works right now because he's in school and I don't have an income producing job outside of the home. In the past, God has provided in some amazing ways. In fact, if I told you some of the really cool ways he has worked, you would be astounded (and it would take FOR.EV.ER) because He is that awesome and His timing has always been perfect. So then, why didn't He show up this time? Why didn't Kyle get more work the past week or two? Why didn't I find a job? I'm not sure.

But I know God has a plan- His plan for our good and for His glory. It's hard to trust when you feel like you've been let down, but I'm choosing to press on. I am praying big prayers, for more than just finances. I am praying for a long list of things right now but as a friend told me yesterday on Facebook: I'm praying big, praying bold, and praying often. I am claiming victory over these circumstances that have bound us and I am going to keep petitioning God until something happens! Don't they call that P.U.S.H. praying? (Pray Until Something Happens). I am trying to rediscover the faith that my kids have. I am going to let go of my doubt and my fear (tools of the enemy, used to whittle away faith) and I am going to trust that my God can move these mountains.

What did I say a few posts back? Rather than pressing into the mountain, I should press into the one who can move the mountain! So no more manipulating finances each week to just get by. I am trusting God for something so much bigger than just getting by. I am trusting him to COMPLETELY and TOTALLY provide for each and every one of our needs. Where the government may have decided we didn't need financial aid, My God, who is so much bigger than our government, WILL PROVIDE. Join me in praying and believing.

And if you have a request, please add a comment below or send me a private message. I'm on a roll here and I'd love to include your requests in my prayer time. I look at each of these requests as a opportunity to spend at my savior's feet, so please don't hesitate! I look forward to seeing God work in each of these requests and in each of our lives! Walk with me. Pray with me. Believe with me! No longer with the faith of a doubting adult, but with the faith of a trusting child...

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

To The Teachers

2011-06-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

I've always felt that teaching was a gift from God. I know it's definitely something that requires an extra dose of patience, creativity, passion, and loving kindness. Some parents choose to home school while others enlist the aid of the nurturing, caring individuals we call teachers. I once read a parent describing their child's life as a notebook. She asked the question: "Who is writing on the pages of your child's notebook?"

My son is somewhat difficult to teach. He's easily distracted, passionate, excitable, but definitely high energy. He loves to learn, but I know for a while I was definitely not the person to teach him. So God gave me a team of amazing ladies who invested time and energy into loving and guiding my precious boy. Each of these ladies (from the administrators to the special needs teachers to his homeroom teachers) played a role in shaping the man my son will one day become.

I have watched my son struggle through autistic tendencies, hyperactivity, and a delayed speech development. I have prayed for him, cried with him, because of the situation, and most every night for a couple of years. I thought I'd never see the day when he would read independently, or write stories, or do math and science with such excitement.

Today is Timmy's seventh birthday and not only did we get to celebrate his birthday but we got to enjoy the end of the year awards at school. I watched as my son's name was called as part of the list of students who received straight A's. Yes, you read that correctly. Straight A's... for the year. Those of you who know him know what an amazing feat that is! And yes, we are so very proud.

But this boy- this child has been through so much, struggling every step of the way, so I never thought I'd see the day where his name got called on the list of students who made straight A's for the entire year. The A's weren't because of me. They weren't because I'm such an amazing mom... (no comments from the peanut gallery, please). The A's were because of the hard work, dedication, passion, love, generosity, patience, and creativity of his teachers. Specifically, I'd like to thank Ms. Gillum this year. Each year he has been blessed with phenomenal teachers, but this year was the icing on the cake. Ms. Gillum stayed late, communicated with me almost daily as needed, and committed to my son to never let him fail. She pushed and challenged him, working through the difficulties and distractions. She pressed on when his behavior was at its worst and refused to cave when the pressure was high.

I'd like to take this opportunity to recognize this special teacher and all of the other teachers by saying this-

I send my kids to school because I believe I am not the best possible person to teach my children at this time. What I get back from you guys are pages and pages of wonderful blessings. There is no one else I would rather have writing on the pages of my children's lives than you amazing, precious ladies. I know many of you have children, families, and friends of your own that you sacrifice time with to love on and to guide our kids. You go out of your way to bless us and your efforts do not go unnoticed. You are a blessing and you are changing lives... not just ours, but thousands of lives to come. You are helping to shape the future of our world as you hold their little hearts and minds in your hands. So thank you for giving, for loving so fully. Thank you for demonstrating patience and excitement for learning. Thank you for going out of your way to help my child become the person he was created to be. You have blessed us more than you know and I hope and pray that although you may never fully see the fruits of your labor, that you would know the world would not be the same without you. My child would not be the same without you.

So here's to all of you wonderful teachers, ladies and gentlemen. May God bless you and give you rest and rejuvenation as you prepare to pour into more lives next year. You are appreciated. You are loved.

Desensitized

2011-05-30T12:30:00.000-07:00

So my daughter came home from a birthday party the other day and starts singing "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world, My BOOBS are plastic, oh so fantastic!" I'm sorry... whaaaaaa?!? So, naturally I took some time to correct her on the lyrics that I thought were more appropriate (and mark that friend's house as off limits) and then to discuss why we don't listen to music like that. Clearly, I'm not that cool mom who lets their child listen to pop culture radio in the car. Sue me. My kids haven't ever really been exposed to it... or to anything for that matter. The way I see it, up until now they really haven't been missing anything. We don't have cable so my kids' television time is limited to playing the Wii (also very limited- to like 4 games including Pac Man, sports, and dancing games... call me lame) and DVDs (of our choosing).

We had cable for a while a few years back and I can remember sitting in bed with my husband, having one-sided conversations with the side of his face... you know, because the deodorant commercials or the Nick at Night or whatever else he was watching was so much more important and more valuable than "us" time. No, that's not the way he really felt, but that is definitely the impression I got- and it hurt. More than anything it irritated me because I'm selfish and gosh darnet, if I'm talking, SOMEONE better be making eye contact with me to signify that they are, in fact, listening.

During this time, my kids would also come home from school and zombie out on sponge bob (gag a maggot) or some other lame idea of television rather than playing outside or reading or heaven forbid- doing housework. :) Soooooooooo, we ditched the cable after a "come to Jesus" meeting (that's Christi talk for fight). And since then we've been relatively selective on what we watch and what we allow our kids to watch on DVD.

So then Kyle and I were on a date the other night. We went to see a movie that was recommended to us by several friends (and my dad) as HILARIOUS! And "A MUST SEE!" And then one good friend said "It's inappropriate, but definitely funny." I decided to go against my better judgment and watch this hilarious movie. During the course of the movie, I actually lost count how many time FEMALES were dropping the "F-BOMB" and using profanity like I use water. They were lude, crude, and beyond inappropriate. I still don't know why we stayed through the movie, but we did (maybe because I'm cheap and didn't want to lose the $9.50 I paid to see it?)

During the movie, I kept wondering to myself- what ever happened to ladies being ladies and gentlemen being gentlemen? What ever happened to sex being sacred, not a point of humor? What ever happened to movies being good and entertaining?" We became desensitized. Movies were enough to make us laugh for a time, but then someone in Hollywood who was looking to make more money from more laughs pushed the boundaries a little more. They figured out that a little more shock value and more laughs from the shock are what draws people to the theaters by the millions. I mean, everyone wants to laugh, right? They made certain curse words acceptable and then they were no longer curse words- but, rather, a normal place in everyday conversation. They made sex a point of humor and not a beautiful time shared between a husband and a wife. They took everything good and pure and made it bad- but to the normal person, it's "just funny" not, bad...

I am not going to lie and say I sat there stunned the entire movie. I laughed at things I shouldn't have... and then I blushed. I wrestled with wanting to find enjoyment from this movie and embarrassment for having dragged my husband to this hideous display of what feminism has done to "ladies". And then I got mad. I realized I have become desensitized to so many things. I'm not some goodie-two-shoes. In my own life, I let curse words fly on occasion. It used to be a point of humor for me and then it became a point of ignorance- as if I could honestly think of no better word to say than the "s" word or one of its cousins. I gossip sometimes. I laugh at inappropriate things and make equally inappropriate comments. It's really a struggle for me. But I have to ask myself- what example am I setting for my kids? Just because I don't let them watch or listen to certain things doesn't mean they won't pick it up. They repeat my actions as words as if they were parrots... no, seriously, it's annoying.

Several scriptures come to mind for this issue, but a couple of my favorites:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off EVERYTHING that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles us and run with perseverance the race set before us." Hebrews 12:1-2

and

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8

God knew we'd struggle with our thought lives. Heck- I feel like I am constantly at war with my brain. I wrestle with trying to focus on the things I should, but then I go and see movies like the one i saw last week. In Hebrews, we are told we should throw off EVERYTHING that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles us... EVERYTHING. Seeing those images, hearing those words, those don't help- they hinder. Allowing my thought life to be perverted by the things that I watch on Internet television or certain movies isn't exactly throwing off the temptations... it's making the temptation so much worse.

I can remember when I was a newer mom. I would be doing housework or on the phone and Trinity would tap at my arm to get my attention. I would immediately respond or I would get irritated by the constant nagging. Now when they come and tap me on the arm or try to get my attention, I barely notice them- as if I am almost immune to them. I have become desensitized. In the same way, our society in general has become desensitized. I can remember when Clark Gable said the "D" word in Gone With The Wind. I remember hearing about what a controversy that was... and now? Yeah...

Think about it. "Fix your thoughts on what is TRUE, and HONORABLE and RIGHT and PURE and LOVELY and ADMIRABLE... PRAISEWORTHY." I don't know about you... but I didn't feel admirable after watching the movie the other night or other movies like it. I didn't feel honorable and the thoughts I had afterward were anything but pure...

So I'm taking up arms for my family. I'm taking a stand against all of the crap. I am re-sensitizing myself and my family. I hope you'll join me... because frankly my darling, I DO give a daRn.

"Create in me a clean heart, oh Lord, my God... and renew a right spirit within me."

No Longer I,

The real life mom

Healing

2011-05-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

The best part of wakin' up... should not be Folgers in your cup (or at least, not in MY cup). In fact, I had gone for quite some time without any caffeine but thanks to the mini-muhles, I found myself in need once again. So here I am, chest pains and all, regretting that coffee I had this morning.

No, I'm not in need of an ambulance, but I think it's very clear that I should definitely not have any more of this wonder drug. My heart does not seem to like caffeine (and all of it's parents- ie, sugar, Excedrine, etc) so I've been home all day trying not to add any stress to a clearly agitated heart... So here we go again!

I was thinking to myself how uncomfortable these pains are. Part of me considered calling the doctor to make an appointment for a check up, but another part of me resisted. I'm 100% positive that these chest pains are caused by caffeine. Even still, I know I SHOULD get checked out, but still I wrestled with this thought. I'm sure the part of me that resisted was the part that's afraid of some terrible diagnosis. I think secretly I'm afraid the doctor will say something to me that will forever rock my plans for whatever I thought was in my future. I amuse myself because at times I honestly think I can make the issues like this one go away by making a choice- like not making a doctor's appointment. I like to think I am in control... but I'm not.

In the same way, I think a lot of people resist allowing themselves to get close to God. I think at times we are all prone to the fear of what will surface when we surrender or open ourselves up to Him so we run. We hide behind things- like ministry (ironic), work, family (all noble things, but all things we can hide behind, none-the-less). Opening yourself up to God can be uncomfortable, painful even. Trust me when I say, I understand the desire to hide.

But you know the funny thing about going to the doctor? It's where the healing begins. I know for a fact that when I go see the doctor and he checks my heart, no matter what the diagnosis (even if it's just caffeine induced arrhythmias), I will have direction for moving forward to prevent further issues.

In the same way, when we go to God, He can help bring healing. He can free us and give us direction, peace in the midst of trials, joy in the midst of pain, and hope where there seems to be none. He can move the mountains we face every day and carry us when the storms of life would otherwise blow us over.

So why do we hesitate doing the very thing we know we ought to do? Why do we resist the healing? I'm not sure, but I do know that first thing tomorrow morning, I'm making this appointment and I'm going to do my part to ensure that I can get the help that I need from the doctor to let the healing begin. Because if God so chooses, I want to be here to see my kids graduate from high school... and college. I want to be healthy and active enough to be here when my children get married and have children of their own.

So here's to health, to life, to walking in freedom. Here's to doing the very thing that scares us the most and finding peace on the other side. Here's to surrendering and walking with Him, in His strength.

It's time. Let the healing begin.

The "Gift" of Gab

2011-05-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

"Many people think they are listening when in fact they are simply reloading their verbal guns." Gary Chapman. Ouuuuuuuuuch... So I read this on my friend's facebook wall a few weeks back. Immediately I became super paranoid... because yes, I'm aware I talk a lot. I can remember being about 7 years old, in daycare one summer, and one of the teachers says to me in a rhyming sort of way "You talk too much, and you never shut up." He then proceeded to serenade me with this song for... every day for as long as I can remember. Clearly- not the best choice for a daycare teacher, but everyone's got to make a living, so...

Fast forward a few years. By this time, I'm a senior in high school in the car with my youth pastor and a few other friends. My pastor is talking about something and I keep replying "I know..." and adding my ignorant thoughts. He says to me "Christi! You DON'T know! That is selfish conversation. It's not always about you." I should have listened, but... nah. I ignored this comment because, of course, I thought I knew everything, right? Wrong.

Then a few years ago another friend says to me "Christi, you don't have to say every thought that comes to your mind." Yeeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh... that one stung a little. But he was right. I was overshadowing everything everyone else was saying because I felt the selfish need to respond to everyone else's comments with my own comment- almost trying to one up or show off what I thought I knew. I was "listening" to others and subconsciously reloading my own word gun. I wanted to be the funny one. I wanted to be the wise one- ha! (got to love the irony there). I wanted to be the one with all of the answers... clearly, not my place in life. No, really, I'm humble... ish.

Then the other day I was visiting with a friend that I respect and admire and he challenged me. He says to me "Do you honestly think that Kyle will ever become the man he is supposed to be if you are constantly overshadowing him?" A good word. A wise word. A word I needed to hear. Kyle is an AMAZING man (for those of you who don't know, Kyle is "the hottie".) :) He is brilliant and funny and has some really deep thoughts to share- but no one would know.

I spend too much time talking for him (and likely others) and not allowing him to really find his footing. But Kyle was so insecure when we first got married that I spent the majority of social time trying to cover for his insecurities by "helping" him- or so I thought. I thought answering for him would help take the pressure off of him feeling the need to try to think of something "cool" to say. I never actually took in to account that he might have some awesome thoughts of his own. But he did... does. When we are alone, he cracks me up! He says some of the most profound things I've ever heard, but in front of others, he's gotten so used to me filling up the "dead air" space with my own selfish words, that he never really speaks out.

I feel like we, as a couple, are called to leadership but I also feel like we won't ever reach that place as long as I keep preventing him from becoming the man God intended for him to be. I kept waiting for him to step up, but the problem was, he couldn't- because I was still in the way. So I'm working on moving. I'm taking the challenge from my friend to back off and allow the hottie (and others) to share their opinions and grow more confident in their own abilities. Who knows? In my own silence I might actually learn something (because news flash, I don't know it all, and I'm not always right...).

So it's not that I won't share my thoughts, but I won't continue to reload the figurative word gun, waiting to aim and fire at the first sign of dead air. I'll "be quick to listen and slow to speak..." (James 1:19) and I'll look forward to watching as the hottie steps out from underneath my overshadowing and people start to see the man that makes me swoon. Because, trust me- he's so much more than a pretty face. ;)

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Hi ho! Hi Ho! It's off to work I NEED to go.

2011-05-19T09:53:00.000-07:00

So, I have to find a job. I'm definitely not opposed to working. I'm a hard worker and happy to do it, but I really don't know how it will all play out. I know childcare is INSANELY expensive and gas isn't exactly cheap right now soooooooo... I'm trying to reinvent the wheel. I'm trying to create a job (that isn't selling cosmetics, jewelry, or Tupperware) that I can do from home or closer to home than downtown. I'm open to suggestions.

I'd love to write, to teach (like Beth Moore style- teaching women and girls, definitely not little people). I'd love to do anything artistic, or anything administrative. I'm completely organized and completely passionate at the same time. I just need direction. A friend suggested I advertise myself as a virtual assistant. So what does that even look like? How does one get started with that? And what would I do to market it?

It seems almost ironic that I'm writing about wanting to write but it's not like those jobs are just falling from the sky. So here I am. I HAVE to do something, ANYTHING to help out. In a few weeks the hottie will start his classes and we will lose income from his work on Saturdays and then he will have to cut back his hours to make sure he gets to classes on time. I need to make sure he has enough time to study and not stress about these classes or about the cost of life.

So remind me again why being a housewife doesn't pay? (Well... not for THIS kind of housewife, anyway). ;)

To The Wives (Part II)- Just Laugh

2011-05-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

You know that feeling you get when you can't stop laughing? It's that moment when something little tickles your heart and for some reason- even insignificant things make you laugh... and no, I don't do drugs.

Last night Kyle and I both got so tickled about something Jacob was doing. We laughed and laughed, then we put the kids to bed and laughed some more. Seemingly meaningless things would set us off and then we would both get the giggles all over again. I was laughing because he was laughing and he was laughing because I was laughing and this continued for close to three hours until we both finally gave up and went to sleep (yes, I know we're a little dorky, but... who cares?)

The thing I enjoyed most was that we were wrestling and laughing and having fun like we did when we were dating. I have been missing that. We used to have towel popping wars and chase each other around trying to "one up" the other with our mad towel popping skills. But then life got uber serious and caught us off guard. We stopped playing and starting planning. We stopped laughing and started arguing. Somehow we lost who we once were- the thing that made us so magical in the first place.

So last night, when I got a glimpse of that- of who we once were, I got excited and sentimental at the same time. Then he (the hottie) says to me: "I've really been missing you." Wow. I haven't been gone, but his playmate- the friend- the woman he married- she's been in hiding, only coming out from time to time when life is easy. Right now, life isn't easy. It's actually really difficult, but finding time to rediscover each other seemed to make life that much easier- even if it was just for one evening.

So I woke up in the middle of the night and after getting some water, I sat in bed and watched him sleep (in a non-stalker sort of way). I was thinking about why I was so attracted to him in the first place. I remembered the way he used to look at me ( a look that used to make all of my friends jealous). I remembered how much fun we used to have... then I committed in my heart to not stop playing. I want more of what we had yesterday. I know next year will be difficult while he's working and going to school full time but I think what will help get us through will be the choice to laugh.

Yesterday we handled business and discussed things that needed to be discussed. We weren't ignoring them- we just weren't focusing on them and letting them steal our joy.

And to any wives who would ask, I would say- keep playing. Keep laughing. Keep trying to make it fun. (Even when it seems impossible). Fun doesn't normally just "happen". Your attitude is your choice, so when you can, choose to laugh a little more, lecture a little less. You might be surprised at his response... and you never know- you might just rediscover your long lost best friend.

As for me, I'm going to keep finding new ways to flirt and to keep life from creeping in and making our marriage stagnant. Because sometimes, recognizing that thing that first attracted him to you is still so very important and so sometimes, you've just got to laugh.

So here's to all of the wives, and to making life fun and reinventing the marriage wheel. And here's to 50 more years of laughter and a love not forgotten. Proverbs 17:22 "A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones"

Dedicated to my grandparents who were married for 50+ glorious years, laughing all the way through...

No Longer I

The Real Life Mom (and wife)

Juicing, Day 15

2011-05-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

So, I've derailed from the course a little. I had a couple of full blown meals with my family- more for the sake of having a meal with my family than because of temptation. But the thing is, I felt gross after eating something that wasn't good for me. I felt sluggish and grumpy (probably mad at myself for not sticking to this 100%). But I decided that I prefer F&V (That's Christi talk for fruits and veggies) to anything. I feel INCREDIBLE when I juice. I feel clean from the inside out.

I know I still have weight to lose, but it definitely feels better than it did. I divorced my scale for a time so I can't tell you how much I have or have not lost, but I have lost. My clothes are starting to feel different and I just know that I'm headed down a good path.

So as I was juicing yesterday, I got excited because I wasn't juicing out of a need to please people or out of obligation. I was juicing because I wanted to. I WANTED TO! :)

On another note- Out of all of the devices I have borrowed, I have fallen in love with the NINJA. It's like a cheaper version of the Vitamix and there is no more compost! I am getting 100% of the vitamins and minerals from the skins and seeds because this little blender completely demolishes anything you put inside of it. It's like something Jack Bauer would use for a threat of torture... just sayin'.

Check it out! http://www.ninjakitchen.com/

And good luck juicing!!!

The Bait of Satan

2011-05-17T07:25:00.000-07:00

An invitation. It was an invite that everyone else got.... except me. (This has actually happened a lot lately... do I smell?)  But I let it offend me. Actually, I let something that silly hurt me. I am such a female, I know. I struggle with approval and acceptance. I was sharing with a small group this week that one of my greatest struggles is the need for approval of man. It comes in waves. Sometimes it's not even an issue- other times I let it become an issue.

In many ways, instances like these show how much growing I really have to do. They also show how insecure I am prone to being at times. I wish I didn't let things like this bother me, but I do. I am in love with this booked called THE BAIT OF SATAN: LIVING FREE FROM THE DEADLY TRAP OF OFFENSE. The author discusses how Satan can and will use the CHOICE to be offended to steal, kill, and destroy relationships. The gist of the book is that we have a choice to allow the enemy to work in our lives or we have a choice to battle that by not allowing the offense into our hearts and minds.

Luke 17:1 "It is impossible that no offenses should come." And they do- they come, sometimes two or three a day... or many more. We all get offended- I've probably offended you at some point... I mean, I hope not, but it's likely. I'm pretty straight forward.  My offenses come from my husband, from my children, from my friends. They come all of the time. What's important is my response. I could gossip about the offender, I could cry or whine about it, or I could learn to lay it down.

"Many are unable to function properly in their calling because of the wounds and hurts that offenses have caused in their lives. They are handicapped and hindered from filfilling their full potential." (John Bevere-The Bait Of Satan) It's true. As long as I allow little things like this to offend me, I'll never be the friend, the wife, the mother, the woman that God created me to be. I have wasted much time worrying about these things rather than surrendering them and walking in freedom.

So my response today?  I'm laying this down. I choose not to worry about this. I'm laying this weakness at his feet and I'm going to learn to let things like this go- one at a time. I want to be the woman He created me to be. I want to grow up and learn to let these things go before they kill me or any of the friendships I hold so dearly. So here's to a day lived one step at a time- walking down the path toward freedom.

No Longer I,

The real life mom

Juicing, Day 9

2011-05-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, it's been a fabulous week of juicing (although we did take mother's day off for a wonderful dinner- thanks to my hot husband). That aside, we have been juicing and feeling GREAT! I'm not very hungry (which is a HUGE thing for me). I have very few temptations for fast food and the things that used to call out to me at random points during the day... liiiiiiiike Starbucks, Chick-Fil-A, Burger King, and even... Chipotle. :) In fact, NOT going to those places and binge eating during the week has helped me get rid of close to ten pounds (so far).

So anyway, throughout the process of juicing I have tried two different juicers: The Champion and a Jack Lalane. The first- the Champion was great, easy to assemble, disassemble, and clean but a little frustrating when the rinds get caught around the blade and slow it down. The Jack Lalane may be more difficult to assemble and clean, but it's a great juicer. It gets mixed reviews. People say they like it for juicing because it has a powerful motor (I totally agree). The downside is that the motor wears down quickly during your juicing sessions and often needs a break to cool down.

After trying these two courtesy of some precious angels, I started doing some real research. I have been asked now by at least 15 different people which juicer I would recommend. I'm no pro, but I do like to read, so I read a lot of pros and cons, likes and dislikes about all that is available today. My findings concluded that Breville makes the best juicer, but I wanted something that wouldn't just juice. I felt like I was wasting a lot of food in all of the waste that comes out during juicing. So I dug deeper and I found my next project to save for.

THIS IS MY GOAL!

It's the vitamix juicer/blender. You get everything: the seed, the pulp, the rind- all in the juice. More and more studies are linking fruit and vegetable rinds and seeds with insane amounts of health benefits (like cancer prevention, heart health, and sooooooooo much more!

So, pour me another! I'm in love with juicing!!!!

NO LONGER I,

THE REAL LIFE MOM

DAY FIVE. Feelin' So Fly!

2011-05-06T11:53:00.000-07:00

Day FIVE. That's right. Today is day five of our 21-day fruit and veggie cleanse. (Sorry to keep you out of the loop on the previous days, but I felt horrible, so this is my first blog all week). Anywho, this coming Monday begins the juice-only portion of the cleanse, but I HAD to take a moment to share this. So a friend of mine completed this 21 day cleanse. I asked her about it (because, you know, I'll try ANYTHING to feel better) and she told me about this website: www.jointhereboot.com I went to the website, expecting to have to pay a bunch of money or buy their supplements, but no. It was a free program. They send out daily e-mails with tips, recipes, and encouragement during your fast. The first week is just fruits and veggies. The next two weeks are juice-only.

So I enlisted the hottie. Because he is trying to get into shape for the fire academy, I knew he'd get on board. He was a little skeptical, but I told him if he did this with me, I'd be a thousand times more likely to succeed than if I did it on my own. So we jumped in together with both feet. We got up Monday and made our juice (mine was more of a puree mixture because I ate the remnants that came from "the other end" of the juicer. Sounds gross- looks even worse coming out of the juicer, but it tasted great! So then we made a healthy dinner and day one was done. I wasn't really tempted and I didn't feel that bad. But then day two came. I wasn't tempted yet, bu the caffeine and sugar withdrawal headaches started... and didn't stop until this morning. That's right. I had a migraine for almost four days. I had no energy. I felt like a Mack truck had run me down. Yesterday I was weak- not physically, but emotionally. I was tempted the entire day... by everything. At lunchtime, even Jacob's food and Shepherd's snacks started to look good, but I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I pressed in to God to help give me strength from temptation and SOMEHOW I made it through yesterday.... somehow. (thankyouJesus)

So then after four days of feeling blah, I expected to wake up feeling okay today, but I woke up feeling AWESOME! Today is the first day that I really feel good. No migraines, no bloating (HALLELUJER!), no sickness, no soreness, and I have energy- like natural energy. I used to be a big ball of energy, but as of late, it's taken caffeine or Monsters or other incredibly "bad-for-you" drinks to get me going. This morning I was energized from the moment I got out of bed and it was amazing! It's like a breath of fresh air!

So, I say, to God be the glory!!! I am anticipating more struggles, but also many more successes. I have 16 more days left and am looking forward to being able to look back on this time and see God's footprints as he carried me through to the end!

A week ago I felt like God was telling me that May 2011 was the time. Like THE TIME. The time He would use to free me from these chains, the time He would use to change my outlook and deepen my understanding and relationship with Him, the time He would use to bond Kyle and I closer than we ever have been before, and the time that he would use to bring His name honor and glory as He purified my soul from the inside out.

So now when I am tempted- I pray. When I am tired- I pray. When I am hungry- I drink water.. and juice, and I pray. When I feel like I am at the end of my rope- I pray. When I feel like the enemy is creeping in to attack us during this precious time- I pray. And you know what? He answers. He has shown up in a mighty way each and every time.

So, for now, this is me- the real life mom saying- thank you Lord for your strength and for your encouragement to get through this. It is by your name and for your glory that I declare- NO LONGER I.

My Favorite Things

2011-04-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

So I'm having one of those days (a real-life-mom kind of a day). I was up THE ENTIRE NIGHT with each of the kids- all for their own reasons- sickness, bad dreams, "he woke me up!" and so on. Then this morning no one would focus to get dressed and I was so rushed to get everything done that the kids were tardy to school... again (third time this year). Then Jacob (who is potty training) goes into his covert hiding place for about two minutes... to poop... in his pants... because?!?!??! Then I go to clean him up and the diaper bag is sour- like really, really sour. Something has died in there, I'm sure.

So then I'm putting everything in the washer and out of the "random" compartment in my brain comes this song:

And I laugh because I'm thinking about how random that was... then I start thinking to myself- my favorite things... my favorite things... my favorite things don't have anything to do with a kitten's whiskers- even though they are cute. My favorite things are Jacob's awesome laugh and Shepherd's rockin' smile. Trinity's eyes and her tremendous heart and Timothy's wink and amazing sense of humor. Savannah's hugs and the hottie's... well... pretty much everything about him. The perfect worship song at just the right moment, a scripture that fills your heart with hope, truth, gladness, and joy! Those are my favorite things and I missed them this morning.

But, no more pity parties today. This life isn't about me... not about how much I haven't slept. It's all about Him. Time to rise and shine and give God the glory, glory!

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Phil 4:7-9

So, when the dog bites, when the bee stings, or when I haven't slept... I'll simply remember my favorite things, and then I won't feeeeeeeeeel... so baaaaad!

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

Starbucks- My Love Language

2011-04-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

Starbucks is my love language- seriously. I think it should be added to the five love languages. Unfortunately, I did not sleep enough last night. This sleeplessness is not a new occurrence in my life. I blame it on the caffeine. Before my last child was born, I didn't really drink much coffee. But since he has graced us with his presence, I find I am addicted (and I use that word in the strongest sense) to coffee. In the early days, I just ordered a tall. That tall was enough to wake me up and keep me going strong for most of the day.

But now, oh now I have perfected the Starbucks order. I always order the exact same thing: "Yes, I'll take a triple-venti-soy cinnamon dolce late with 4 equal... and no whip". Seriously. (And no, I do not want the information on how bad soy and equal are for you. I know this... man!)

Last week when I went through the drive through, I ordered the following: "A quadruple-venti-soy cinnamon dolce latte with four equal, please." What. The. Heck? When did a tall just stop doing it for me?

But this made me think (because I can find an analogy out of an empty toilet paper roll... and I have!) The tall from Starbucks used to be enough. But now I am desensitized to its effect. It takes more and more and more.

In the same way, I find that I am desensitized to the "little" curse words or a "little" gossip. A "little" violence or sexuality in a movie used to really offend me, but I've noticed that I'm quite a bit more tolerant. I've become desensitized and over time allowed these little things to creep into my life. A "little" lie from the enemy used to set me on my guard, but somehow, over time, I've let the little lies in and they have drastically changed me- not just my mind, but who I am.

Proverbs 4:23 says "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

My body has become a junkyard, and I realize now that my mind has as well. Tiny little pieces of junk, overtime, have polluted my body, as well as my heart and mind. So it’s time for a cleanse. I was already preparing my body for a physical cleanse (more fruits, veggies, less caffeine and junk), but it’s also time for a spiritual cleanse.

When it's all been said and done, I want the tall from Starbucks to be enough . . . who knows maybe I’ll even order decaf! And in the same way, I want my heart and mind to be cleansed.
So here's to a caffeine-free day! Here's to cleansing- from the inside out. Here's to finding another analogy from the empty roll of toilet paper. I would share that one with you now, but I'm afraid, padawon, that you aren't quite ready for this one. So for now- it's back to cleaning!

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

To The Couples (Part I)- MOVING MOUNTAINS

2011-04-26T20:29:00.000-07:00

There is so much change going on around me right now. I, personally, know of at least ten couples who are either divorced, or divorcing, or who have recently separated for a time. (No, not me... just several close to me). My heart breaks for these couples. At the same time, I know of about five couples who are engaged or just recently married. To these couples, I want to warn them- to show them all of the lessons we went through and learned the hard way. I want to warn the men about how easy it is to be tempted and to become complacent. I want to tell the women how easy it is to lose yourself, to lose your place in your marriage and to be overcome by life- to the point of depression or to the point of looking for a way out. I want to tell them both how the enemy will scheme and get into their heads- each of them a little at a time because His ultimate goal is to ruin those marriages.

I watched my step-sister walk down the aisle last week and I just wanted to scream- WATCH OUT!!! I have seen so much hurt, such intense pain from friends and family alike who have suffered or are currently suffering through the pain of divorce. I watched my parents end an almost 25 year marriage and saw what it did to each of them... and to me as an eighteen year old child.

So then why do we marry? Why do we make the choice to go through all of the costs of the wedding, the legalities of it all? Why not just live together? I mean, wouldn't it be easier to break up if it weren't so formal? Wouldn't it be easier to separate out the assets if his stuff was truly his stuff and her stuff was truly her stuff?

Perhaps. But here's reality. We get married. We combine assets. We have children and bills and real estate. The line gets blurred between what's his and what's hers and things become ours. So what if we allowed ourselves to completely be joined together in a union the way God intended for them to be? Check out that wording: "the way God intended for them to be". Huh... How many of us do you think actually meet that standard? How many of us do you think honestly live in our marriages as the husbands and wives God intended for us to be? If we are truly honest with one another, not many of us could say we do.

But there is hope. 2 Corinthians 12:9 shows us where Paul has been given a thorn to keep him from getting too proud. No one knows what this thorn is, but Paul says he asked God three different times to remove this thorn. Here we see God's reply: "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." Wow. I absolutely, positively love this. And how applicable this is to marriage. We are human. We are bound to fail, to let one another down- especially as we try to walk more in our own strength. But God's grace is all we need. His power works best in our weakness. So here's the hope- we don't have to be the perfect husbands and wives. We just have to be perfectly dependant upon Him.

What does this look like? How can we become perfectly dependant? Rather than pressing in to the mountain itself, we should press in to the One who can move those mountains. Imagine, if you will, a triangle (yes, I know you've heard this 1,347,360 times, but stay with me). At the top of the triangle is God and either of the two side points are you and your spouse. As you seek God personally, and your spouse seeks God, what happens? The two of you are naturally brought closer and closer together. As you draw near to God, you are also drawing nearer to one another because He is drawing you closer and closer to one another... the mountain is being moved. But if you should stop seeking God, and start to seek things that please your selfish nature, you are separating yourself from God and from your spouse. The equation is simple, really. I'll say it again- rather than pressing in to the mountain itself, we should press in to the one who can move the mountain.

So there's a mountain between the two of you? Seek Him. There's distance there? Press in to Him. Wife left you? Seek Him. Husband addicted to pornography? Seek Him. Facing divorce? Seek Him. Spouse not pursuing you ? Seek Him.

We, alone, cannot fix these major issues, but He said His power works best in our weakness. Seek Him. He is the one who can move these mountains. So here's to the couples... and the triangles and the mountains that will be moved in His name.

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

To The Parents

2011-04-26T12:48:00.000-07:00

I love this article.... for so many reasons. But mostly because he is raw and honest. He holds nothing back- form the first moment he spotted this girl in the airport to his final few words. He's challenging parents to step up. Love it! Had to share it. :) Enjoy!

http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/04/19/granderson.children.dress/index.html

Cleaning House- Growth Spurt

2011-04-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

So, my grocery bill just went up, again. The kids are eating like food is going out of style. They aren't gaining any weight, but according to the marks on my pantry wall, they are growing. I noticed as I watched Shepherd eat last week that he seemed more hungry than normal. As I watched him eat, I realized I'd been going through a growth spurt as well. No, I'm not pregnant again. I mean that God has been trying to grow me. Imagine if I never let Shepherd eat more than he did as a newborn. Imagine if the kids were still on bottles and I never increased their food intake to accomodate their nutritional needs as they grew.

That's kind of what it's been like for me, off and on. As God has been trying to grow me, there have been times where I feel convicted by this scripture found in 1 Corinthians 3, The Message: "You're acting like infants in relation to Christ, capable of nothing much more than nursing at the breast. Well, then, I'll nurse you since you don't seem capable of anything more. As long as you grab for what makes you feel good or makes you look important, are you really much different than a babe at the breast, content only when everything's going your way?" Yeah, you can say it- ouch.

God has been trying to teach and grow me, but I have been relying on my own understanding- which is like perpetually drinking formula from a bottle when God has been trying to feed me a steak. In Proverbs 3, we are told "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Do not depend on your own understanding... do not depend on your own understanding. So I've been creating my own path- no wonder my plans aren't working out! I want a steak. I don't want this formula any longer. I want what God has for me, but have been doing things my way. It's time to grow.

One of the first scriptures I ever memorized: was John 10:10- "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." Satan's goal is to defeat us, as Christians. He wants to steal from us, to kill, and to destroy. He figures if he can keep me drinking from a bottle my whole life, I'll never grow into the woman God created me to be. But I have a higher calling. It's time for me to dive into the word- to put on the full armor of God and "stand against the devil’s schemes." .

So, my grocery bill may be growing, and my kids may be getting taller, but I smile because I know this is all a part of an awesome process. I am cleaning out the pantry- getting rid of all of the junk. I will continue to feed them as their little bodies demand and I will seek to set the example by taking in what is necessary for my growth, throwing off any and all distractions.

That being said- pass the steak, please!

No Longer I,

The Real Life Mom.

She's Baaaaaaaaack!

2011-04-25T19:19:00.000-07:00

I last posted almost two weeks go. For about three days, I was on a roll. I was flooded with thoughts and ideas to share. Since then, the flood has not stopped. I am literally backed up with things that I would like to share but have had a hectic couple of weeks. There is so much change going on around me and as of late, there are days when I can barely keep my head above water. It's been an interesting ride, to say the least.

First there was the tummy bug. I think we passed it around the house for an entire month before it finally ended. Then Shepherd got a tremendous sinus infection/ ear infection on top of teething pain- taking away from most of his naps (which is when I write). Then Kyle's computer broke... or, rather, was broken by a very mischievous toddler who seems to have quite a knack for pressing buttons in such a sequence that one's computer can no longer function. Awesomeness. Really. Then there was the wedding of my step-sister which required a day trip to Austin with the hottie (yes, I rather enjoyed the alone time, thankyouverymuch baby sitter). And then there were several other random events that all joined together to keep me away from this blog. There were meetings and phone calls and chores, galore!

But, let me reassure you- I am back! :) His computer is still broken, so I can't write as long as he needs to do homework, but other than that, I'm looking forward to sharing with you what God has been showing me as I "clean the house". Here's to real life getting in the way. Here's to God growing me and changing me during this time. A friend, after hearing about my journey said to me "Man, God must want you to be perfect!" "Not perfect," I replied, "Perfectly dependant."

No longer I,

The Real Life Mom

To The Wives (Part I)- THROWING STONES

2011-04-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

In MEET THE HOTTIE, I introduced you to the love of my life- my best friend. I told you all about how we met and fell in love. Then, doing things in a backward manner, we became pregnant and immediately got married. And then the fun began. We had been married about two months and Kyle (The Hottie) decided that he wanted IHOP for dinner so we dressed and quickly were on our way. Now, being my father's daughter and somewhat of a control freak, I decided to drive.

On the way there Kyle says to me (several times....) "Honey, we really should go the other way. It's much faster." To which I calmly replied "No, it's okay. I am already going this way. We will be fine going this way and next time we can try your way." This interaction repeated itself about 6 times before I realized he was not getting the point, nor was he going to let it go. He kept insisting. So, hormones raging, I busted a U turn, flipped my husband off (because....?) and screamed at him for nagging me like a toddler. I gave in and went his way... kicking and screaming (ironically, also like a toddler). We made our way inside IHOP and to our table where I buried my head in my hands and started crying... hysterically. I looked up because I expected him to either (a) be fuming across the table or (b) comfort his pregnant, crying wife. What did I see what I looked up? Laughter. The man was laughing at me while I was crying. Seriously.

Looking back, we both laugh about it now. We have been together for nine years (during which, four of those years I was hormonal and pregnant) so he has learned a thing or two. But he isn't the only one who has learned a thing or two. I remember that night like it was yesterday because it was my first big pregnant meltdown, but also because it was the first time I realized what a prideful woman I can be. When we were dating, I was on my best behavior. I didn't want to run him off so when he upset me (for the most part), I didn't mention it. I guess something changed after we said our vows because for that poor schmuck, all bets were off.

After that night, I felt empowered. I felt validated. I felt... larger (seriously- HUGE omelet for dinner). I digress. Unleashing all of those months of pent up frustration, combined with the influx of hormones made me feel like a new woman- a woman who was in control- FINALLY! So whenever he would do something to upset me, I would tell him, point blank and often without respect. I was sarcastic and rude. I was impatient. I was very mean and controlling. Let me just say- looking back, I often wonder why I didn't get a broom to ride on for our first few anniversaries. Yes, it really was THAT bad.

I would disrespect him in front of his peers and friends. I would talk down to him while he was working... In hindsight, I often wonder why he even stayed. I know in Genesis 3:16 (NLT) it says "And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you." Wow did He ever hit that nail on the head! I wanted to control Kyle. In many ways, I did- either by degrading him or by manipulating him with my tears and emotions. I even withheld sex from him when I didn't get my way. I thought this would make him want to give me what I wanted, but it only hurt him more. Rather than being married to the woman of his dreams, he was stuck with the villain from his nightmares.

So what changed? I mean... I'm not like this now, am I? Honestly, the temptation is still there and probably always will be (thankyouverymuch, Eve), but thanks to Kyle's boss and a woman with a heart for mentoring, I have come to learn my place in our marriage and am on the road to becoming the wife God designed me to be. What did they say or do that changed me so much? First there was Kyle's boss (who is a former preacher). He came over to our house one night after work and spoke with Kyle for about an hour inside the house before asking me to join them.

When I came inside, he said to me the words that would forever change my life (and my marriage). He said, "Christi, I've heard the way you talk to Kyle and I've seen the way you treat him. I came to tell you that you are out of line and have lost your place in this marriage. Christi, when God puts two people together, He gives the wife stones. Now you can do one of two things with those stones (your words)- you can either throw them and watch as over time your husband will turn into a pile of rubble emotionally. Or you can lay them and see that over time God has taken those words, those stones, and built a tower of a man. So, Christi, let me ask you- do you want to lay stones, or do you want to throw them? It's your choice." And now wives, I must ask you the same thing: Do you want to lay stones, or do you want to throw them?

I know your husband isn't perfect. No man is (even the hottie, in all of his splendor). I know that some of your husbands are struggling with the unimaginable. Some are cowards (in your eyes). Some are controlling and/ or abusive. But God put you in that marriage for a reason. He knew thousands of years ago, before you were ever born that you would CHOOSE to marry that man. So let me ask you- why do you think you are there? Do you believe God put you in that place so you could control him and always feel good about yourself? Or do you think maybe God had a different plan? Do you think it's possible that God put you in your marriage, knowing you would struggle, so that (a) God would be the one you depended on when your own strength ran out, and (b) God could change that man through your presence in his life? Think about it. I want to challenge you this week to consider the words as they come out of your mouth. Think of them as stones... Will you lay them, my friend, or will you throw them?

NO LONGER I.

ONE UGLY, NO GOOD, BIG, FAT DAY!

2011-04-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

So you know how they say a picture is worth a thousand words? Well, we had our family photos done yesterday and let me start off by saying 99.9% of them are insane. awesome. phenomenal. Then there are the pictures of me. Yes, as a matter of fact I AM having one of those days. It's one of those days where I feel big and fat and ugly. It's one of those days where I yelled at my kids, was super impatient. I even had a few moments where I thought to myself, "Really, God?!?? Why did you give me children??? I don't desrve them and they don't deserve me!" Then I looked at these pictures of my beautiful children and my heart melted into a thousand pieces. I LOVE LOVE LOVE these children- all 1,372,287 of them. Please see evidence of said beautiful children below:

But as I was looking at the family photos, I felt almost out of place. If each picture is worth 1,000 words, then I must have thought a million this afternoon. A lot of them sounded like this: "You are a troll. You are ugly. You are so fat. Seriously?!?!? Why would HE ever like YOU, let alone love YOU? Your family is so photogenic... so why aren't you? Your kids are so beautiful- they must have gotten that from their dad. Your eyes are so ugly. You are never going to conquer this weight issue... just stop trying." And the train of thought didn't stop there, but thankfully a friend called and caught me in the middle of it, causing me to stop and think rationally.

Here's the thing- I don't like being in front of the camera. I much prefer being the "taker" of all of our family photos for this reason- seeing those photos was a huge reality check in so many ways. Once I got over the initial shock of the photos, I processed the words that I had been saying to myself and I realized a few things:

1- I can be pretty immature sometimes... and incredibly selfish.
2- Lies, lies, lies- they were all lies!
3- I don't always have an answer for everything- I may know the truths, but knowing them and walking in them or applying them are two completely different mentalities.
4- I need to get out of my head so the Holy Spirit can have some room to work. :)

All of that to say, it was both a good day (because I got to see some amazing photos of my family) and a horrible day (because I gave the enemy a foothold into my mind and sent me on a downward spiral). So, I know sometimes I can come off as a know-it-all, but I'm human and I struggle just like the rest of you. So for now... I may not have all of the answers, but I'm working on it. :) NO LONGER I.

All photos property of Chip Gillespie: http://www.chipgillespie.com/

Meet The Hottie

2011-04-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time there was a boy and a girl who met, fell in love, got married and had twenty seven children (slight exaggeration). They lived happily ever after... sort of.

I can remember it like it was yesterday. Ten years ago this coming July, I was going with a friend to a fourth of July celebration on the lake. I can remember being in a terrible mood driving out there, but the second I stepped out of the car, that all changed. For there, about 100 feet away, stood the man I would one day marry. I can remember looking out on to the water and seeing this man towering above the water. I was awe-struck by his good looks and his gentleness with the children that surrounded him. He looked up at me and the butterflies rushed in. I had never seen a man this beautiful in real life (seriously). He stood six feet, seven inches tall, dark hair and the most gorgeous blue-green eyes I'd ever seen. I spent the day flirting with this man that I could not take my eyes off of. Something drew me to him- something beyond his looks, beyond his gentleness. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew there was something different about him and I wanted to make sure I got to see him again.

Five months passed before our next meeting. A chance outing with our best friends would open the door for our future together. After this evening with our friends, he and I met up to hang out one night. At the end of our time together, we drove to the complex where I would be moving the following week and I pointed out my apartment before going back home. On moving day, that same beautiful man came knocking on the door of my new apartment. My friend and I had stayed up all night cleaning and working to organize the new place. By the time Kyle and his brother showed up, I was filthy, exhausted, had no makeup on, and was (at the very least) looking rough- not at all my dream for impressing the man who had caused such butterflies in me.

None-the-less, it began. He started calling, visiting, and taking me out. He opened doors, pulled out chairs, and courted me. He made me feel special in a way no other man had. He made me feel beautiful in a way no other man had. He had his eyes on the prize and continued to press on towards to goal of wooing me, but little did he know, he had me at hello. ;) I wanted to marry that man from the moment I saw him. Everything female inside of me longed for his attention and affections. I wanted to marry this man.

Meet The hottie (a nickname you will learn all about in up-coming posts).

After all of this, I was still very much a selfish girl... tune in next time to hear more of our story. Keep reading and you'll see how I began down this road to becoming the woman God created me to be (a journey I will not complete until I go home to be with Jesus, but a journey worth sharing, none-the-less). You'll meet our children and you will see how God rescued us from potential divorce and worked through us to help us find victory in Him. No longer I.

DISCLAIMER

2011-04-07T18:29:00.000-07:00

So, I'm 31. I have no formal education beyond high school. I am not a licensed teacher, counselor, or therapist. I don't claim to have it all together all of the time (not even some of the time). In all likelihood, you aren't reading this because you think I have it all together (which is great because it helps take the pressure off). I'm just a mom, a wife, and a child of God. I suffer with OCD and ADHD (and probably a few other things I have yet to self diagnose or even realize). But I have learned much about life and about marriage- most of these lessons learned the hard way because of foolish or immature decisions. I'm not writing because i think I have all of the answers. I'm writing because I think that if even one person walks away enlightened as a result of things God has brought me through, then I feel like this time is worth it. That being said, read on!

I do.

2011-04-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

Ahhhhhh... That's the dream right there. Isn't it? A romantic kiss on the beach to "seal the deal" and we're off to live happily ever after... right? I learned about 2 months into my marriage that "wedded bliss" was somewhat of a myth. Not that people can't experience happiness in marriage (because trust me, we do), but the fairy tale- the "happily ever after"- that's what six-year-old girls start dreaming about (thankyouverymuch Disney).

We think that growing up involves meeting "Mr. Right" and becoming "Mrs. Right" and riding off into the sunset. What Disney fails to show you when they paint that picture of the prince and princess is that real life gets in the way of that happily ever after. Bills start coming in. Kids are added to the equation. The fairy tale starts to fade away into the reality that is life. Then something happens- the enemy begins to whisper things in your ear. You start to hear words of selfishness, vanity, the need for approval, the need for control. You start to accept much of what you hear as truth and doubt sets in, altering your happily ever after. Because we live in a fallen world, we are constantly surrounded by temptations and what I am starting to see is fewer and fewer couples fighting back.

As of today, I personally know of about ten couples who are struggling because the husbands have perpetually made the decision to give in to the temptation of pornography creating a whole additional set of issues for their already insecure wives. I also know of several couples who are sufferring because the wives give in to their desire for control and have long forgotten their place in a marriage- creating husbands who resent them and feel no sense of respect or love. I am surrounded by divorcing or divorced couples who have forgotten what it feels like to truly feel loved- who are creating a new low level of expectation for the up-and-coming generation of marriages yet to come- teaching them that when the going gets tough, and it's just too difficult to fight back, it's okay to give up and get going.

This may offend, upset, or frustrate some readers, but I feel it is my God-given duty to speak out (I mean this is, after all, my bl-ah-g- my word vomit). Starting today, I will be sharing with you what God has taught me in my 9 years of marriage. This area of who I am now comes from so much of what God has brought us through together. God has taught me so much and is still teaching me. As I am walking through these figurative rooms, "cleaning out the crap", I am remembering some tough lessons and understanding more and more why I struggled with (and still struggle with) some things (like the desire to control my husband). I want to help encourage others who may struggle while God continues to do a work in me and in my own marriage. I have been politely silent for far too long but now I seek to honor God by speaking some much-needed truths over anyone who is willing to hear them.

NO LONGER I.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness... right?

2011-04-05T10:24:00.000-07:00

A little-known, fun fact about me: I wrestle with OCD. If everything is not in its exact place, I get stressed out- almost to the point of anxiety. When we brought Shepherd home from the hospital, the house was clean-ish, but there was a little bit of clutter laying around so I had an emotional meltdown and sat, crying on the stairs for about 30 minutes. I know a large part of that was hormones, but on the other side of that was my struggle. I cannot go to sleep at night unless the house is in order (for the most part) because I will lie there and think about all that needs to be done and it will stress me out. This week I have fallen back into that same rut- not sleeping because I am overwhelmed with the amount of work left to do before this house is organized.

We moved in about a month ago and I have yet to finish unpacking.  I was laughing at myself last night as I made my to-do list for today. On that list was a section entitled: LISTS TO MAKE. Seriously. I know I have issues, but I started to wonder why. Why do I struggle with this- this need to accomplish perfection? And will I ever be able to move past this? Will I ever be able to sit down and watch a movie with my husband and not feel that nagging in the back of my brain to get up and get things done? Will I ever just be able to enjoy my children without them having to be clean? Will I ever be able to enjoy this beautiful house without feeling like I have to constantly clean, organize, or "do"?

Some of this may just be our current stage of life but I think there are other issues at hand.  Looking at how much time I spend doing housework, organizing, and making sure everything is "perfect", I have to wonder if the enemy is using this as a foothold to steal joy from my every day life. John 10:10 says "The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life."

The thief is coming to steal any joy I might find from spending time with my children or husband by distracting me with thoughts of discontentment. He is trying to kill my dependence on God by giving me a sense of control over this "stuff"- because when it's organized, I feel in control. (Sick, I know...) He's trying to break me down emotionally and mentally by sending thoughts of discouragement and hopelessness, often whispering lies like the serpent in the garden. I hear things like: "If your house isn't perfect- you are not in control, you are not a good wife, you are not a good mother."

The funny thing is- God doesn't love me because of what I do, but, rather, who I am. His presence in my life is what makes me whole. He can love my children through me. He can love my husband through me. All I have to do is get out of the way.   In my quiet time this morning, I stumbled across this verse: "Because we have these promises, dear friends, let us cleanse ourselves from everything that can defile our body or spirit. And let us work toward complete holiness because we fear God." 2 Cor. 7:1

I believe I have let this OCD defile my spirit, causing depression at times and discontentment. I'm not saying that I should settle for a dirty house or complete dysfunction. I'm saying that I need to find the balance and not let this "need" to clean come in between me and the things God has for me.

So this week I'm starting a new study on my own. Because I feel like it's fitting and I really do enjoy cleaning, I am going to be walking through the metaphorical rooms in my life, cleaning out the CRAP. As I get one "room" cleaned out, I will share what God is showing me. Today He showed me that I struggle with a desire for control and perfection. I also struggle with worshipping the idol I have made out of my house.   Just like my ongoing battle with weight loss, it's not going to go away over night. But I truly believe my God is a God who saves and I believe he can and will deliver me from this stronghold the enemy has been allowed to have in my life for way too long. So, for now, I'll pray and take it one day at a time.

Surrender can be a very powerful thing As strong as I like to think I am, my God is so much stronger and when we all put control back in His hands, where it belongs, amazing things start to take place. Chains broken. Lives made new. In surrender, we find freedom. In surrender, I become no longer I and God becomes the one and only Lord in my life.

No longer I.

BLOG?

2011-03-23T12:01:00.000-07:00

So, who invented the word BLOG anyway? I mean, it sounds like what it is: word vomit. So was someone just writing a diary one day, then realized it was word vomit and decided to call it what it is? a BL-AH-G? I'm mostly just curious. I would like to think that when I share my random thoughts with people, it's not just word vomit, but I read an e-mail from our pastor today that made me re-think how much I share, or overshare. Below is a copy of the e-mail devotional, written by Jeff Wells, senior pastor of Woods Edge Community Church:

"When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise."
Proverbs 10:19

The more we talk, the more we sin. That ought to sober us and cause us to slow down our talking, but many of us talk on!

There was a tombstone in an English churchyard. The faint etching read:

Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
Lies Arabella Young,
Who, on the twenty-fourth of May,
Began to hold her tongue.

Far better if we heed Proverbs 10:19 and begin to hold our tongue while we live! The Bible says: That’s what wise people do. They are not incessant talkers. They talk, of course. But they are slow to speak and quick to listen (James 1:19).

Why do we talk too much? Maybe it’s nervousness. Maybe insecurity. But a big reason for excessive talking is pride. We are self-preoccupied, self-centered, self-enamored. Proverbs 18:2 says: "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions."

One of my heroes is Theodore Roosevelt. Roosevelt was a courageous, fearless President with many incredible traits. But like the rest of us, he was one flawed individual. Talking too much was one of those flaws. One biographer, Edmund Morris, comments:

"He delights like a schoolboy in parading his knowledge, and does so loudly, and at such length, that less vigorous talkers lapse into weary silence. John Hay once calculated that in a two-hour dinner at the White House, Roosevelt’s guests were responsible for only four and a half minutes of conversation; the rest was supplied by the President himself."

OK, maybe you’re not that bad! I hope not! But Theodore Roosevelt is not the standard! God calls us to be careful, to hold back, to go slow when it comes to talking. Be slow to speak, quick to listen. Most of us get that backwards: We are quick to speak, slow to listen.

Words are a great resource. We can do so much good with life-giving words. But words can be abused. One way we abuse words is to talk too much and listen too little. In a day of cell phones, e-mail and Facebook, perhaps the problem of excessive words is worse than ever.

Wise people hold their tongue. How are you doing at this rare discipline?

Ouch. "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions." Yes, I, more than most, need guidance and discipline in this area. More than anything, I need self control in my life and I always think that I can add to a conversation or maybe something I say can help or encourage someone. But a long time ago, a wise friend told me (very lovingly) "Christi, you don't always have to say every thought that comes to mind." And perhaps this wise friend was right. I wonder if holding my tongue would give others an opportunity to encourage, to share, to help be iron for another friend (or, heaven forbid, for me!) So here it is, my BL-AH-G for today... about having fewer words, listening more, and loving others more than I love the sound of my own voice. No longer I.

Love Me

2011-03-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I'm a little emotional today... perhaps. Or maybe I'm just tired, or just being a girl but I started thinking back to high school. I can remember being supremely insecure and not really confident in anything about myself. Even as a teenager, I was always looking for my niche- trying to find that group of friends who would accept me for who I was. The problem is that I didn't know who I was. I spent so much time trying to fit a mold that I thought people were looking for me to fill that I never really took time to find my own shape. And because I was so afraid of what people were thinking about me, I put on masks, facades, one at a time- removing each only for a millisecond to put on the next mask.

I wanted to fit in so badly, as most teenagers do, and I thought if I could just find the right mask, enough people would like me and I would be happy. But I never found that happiness. I only found more and more masks and before long I was so deep in my own masks that I had forgotten what the real me looked like altogether.

These insecurities have followed me into adulthood, unfortunately. I have recently noticed that the cliques from high school didn't end in high school. People are still people- all with deep seeded needs for security and acceptance. Thus, we find the cliques in our churches and neighborhoods. As of late, I have found myself looking for that happiness again- that acceptance- but I noticed to fit in to certain groups, you have to have money, or be funny, successful, or entertaining. You have to have the right job or the right look (none of which I have). So I have often found myself wondering if there will ever be a time when I really do fit in. I have tried wearing the masks, but it's exhausting.

The difference between adulthood and childhood for me, is that now I am able to recognize what I am looking for. We are all designed with a God-shaped hole and are trying to fill it with different things. We all want to be accepted and loved unconditionally. Because the enemy knows this, He attacks this part of each of us, whispering lies like these:

"If you can just lose this weight, then you'll have the look you need."
"If you can just become successful at something... at anything, THEN you'll be accepted."
"Maybe if you were just a bit funnier, or smarter, or knew more people..."
"Maybe if you sang better or wrote better or were more talented in this area..."
"If you can just be friends with these people, THEN you will be happy."

But all of these are just lies, meant to keep us filled with an unquenchable thirst. I struggle with these thoughts when I stop making time to read my Bible and pray. Recognizing this, I opened up my Bible and found this in John 4:13- 13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

Jesus wants to fill the void in our hearts. He wants to be the one we turn to for acceptance and love. He wants to quench this insatiable thirst so we can all stop trying so hard, stop pretending to be who we are not.

I continued reading and found this in Psalm 139:

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

Thank you Jesus for loving me so! Thank you for being the one who loves and accepts me just as I am. Thank you for quenching this thirst in me and loving me with your never ending, indescribable love! Thank you for making me, uniquely me- and then finding delight in this creation! In you, and you alone do I put my trust. No longer I.

The Truth Hurts... And Then It Heals

2011-03-04T12:13:00.000-08:00

Yo Momma. Thank you very much Will Smith for creating that timeless line of wit. I remember sitting in a dorm room with an old friend of mine trading 'yo momma' jokes. I never in a million years dreamed I'd be the butt of any of those jokes, (no pun intended, but now that I think about it... run with the pun) but here we are, some years later, and it has happened. My little girl came home from school the other day and told me she was upset because a neighbor friend was teasing her and calling her names. Then she dropped the bomb, "And mom, he kept saying you were fat, like really fat." Ouch. No, really... OUCH.

I never imagined my weight would affect my children. I always thought it was my issue to deal with. I mean, they are practically stick people- blessed with my hot husband's genes rather than mine. But now my daughter is being teased because of my choices. So I took some serious time to reflect and to think about exactly how badly I wanted to make these changes.

I am the queen of starting things and not finishing them. I have started countless books and never finished them. And diets? Don't even get me started! If it has a name, I have tried it. I start projects all of the time and life gets in the way in one form or another, so I put them on the back burner insisting "one day" I will get to them. So what if "one day" never comes and I never finish these projects? What if that "one day" I have started my one millionth diet and never completed it? Will my family still be suffering because of my choices?

If you get a chance, read through 1 Corinthians 10. There is so much meat in this chapter alone but I have hand picked a few verses to share with you:

12 If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall. 13 The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure. 14 So, my dear friends, flee from the worship of idols...

Here I see that God is faithful and will not allow me to be tempted beyond what I can stand. So maybe this journey is one I can successfully complete after all. Maybe I won't have to look back and wonder what ever happened to "one day".

Then He says:

23 You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is beneficial. 24 Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others...

Wow. And there it is- in black and white. "don't be concerned for your own good, but for the good of others." What kind of example have I been setting for my children? Have I been setting an example of self control? Not even close. What about my kids? What are they seeing? I have been far too concerned with living for my own desires that I haven't even considered the long term effects on my family. I'm setting them up for failure, teaching them that selfishness and greed are not just okay, but they are a way of life, eventually leading to a horrible, painful, sickening death.

Verse 31 says:

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

That was probably the most life altering verse in this chapter for me. I've been living for my self for so long, I'd forgotten why I was put here in the first place. I wasn't put on this planet to do whatever I want. I wasn't put here to enjoy everything the earth has to offer. I was put here to bring glory to God. So I choose to die to myself. I choose to live for Him. This momma is no ordinary momma. If there is one thing I want to leave to my children, it's the legacy of a life lived to bring glory to God. No longer I.

The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem

2011-02-28T20:15:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was this really hot girl. Then she had 87 children and gained 1,000,000 pounds. Okay, perhaps there is a bit of exaggeration in the previous statements... I wouldn't say she was reeeeeally hot, but her hot husband would. And maybe she didn't have 87 children, but in an eight year span, she had four children and gained 120+ pounds. Yes, 120 pounds on top of the original body weight... ouch.

Clearly this mystery woman I speak of is myself. While I recognize that there is now more of me to love, my youngest child is now seven months old and I am looking back to nine years ago when I started dating my husband. I had just lost about 40 pounds and was working out regularly, eating right and the best part? Where the balloon currently resides in my midsection, there was a strong core. Over the course of the first pregnancy, I learned terrible eating habits that stayed with me. Before my first pregnancy I had finally broken that cycle and was on track to being healthy. But, alas! My terrible eating habits have come back in spades and I am now in an unhealthy, vicious cycle that will eventually kill me if I don't make some drastic changes.

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem. So here it is: My name is Christi Muhle and I struggle with gluttony. Not just over-eating on occasion, but gluttony- defined as "the practice of eating to excess" or "an extreme lack in self discipline."

During a fasting season God revealed to me this sin in my life. He gave me this scripture from 1 Peter 1:13-16:

So think clearly and exercise self-control. Look forward to the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world. 14 So you must live as God’s obedient children. Don’t slip back into your old ways of living to satisfy your own desires. You didn’t know any better then. 15 But now you must be holy in everything you do, just as God who chose you is holy. 16 For the Scriptures say, “You must be holy because I am holy.”

I believe He has called me to a time of holiness- a time of dependence on Him. I believe God wants to deliver me from bondage to this sin, but it's going to be a journey. I know it won't happen over night,and if I didn't see God's glory on the other side of this thing, I would feel bad about it. Instead, I am trusting in Him, walking in the promises and truth that He has already won the battle. I am more excited about it than anything so I am walking in his victory instead of in my shame. So here you have it- the official beginning of my journey. Walk with me and see what God does. Walk with me and one day we will be able to look back on this post and finally say, "No longer I."

THE REAL ME

2009-04-29T13:00:00.001-07:00

So I was in a meeting with a good friend (mentor, really) and another friend the other day. My mentor says to me: “Christi, you exude confidence and just appear fully confident in everything, but I think you are covering up for some deep seeded insecurities.” First, I was in shock at how amazingly accurate that statement was. Then I was embarrassed because someone had “found me out”. Not that I ever intended to hide my insecurities- I think it was more of a self-preservation method. I have never actually been super self-confident, so in order to not drown in depression or self pity, when I was about 14 I started wearing this façade of confidence and I guess somehow it just carried over into my adult life. I never really took that mask off. I think it’s good, to a point because where I lack confidence, the mask helps me to be able to walk into situations I might not normally go and forces me to match the appearance I am giving off. So in that, I guess it can be a good thing. But the sad thing is, I AM covering up some real insecurities that really need to be addressed in order for me to become the woman God created me to be.

Like many other woman, I suffer with body image issues (which probably accounts for about 45% of my insecurities) and stems from my childhood. Also, like many other people, I have issues with wanting the approval of man and feeling inadequate. That’s probably the greatest amount of my struggles. I know I shouldn’t want that, crave that so much, or even doubt that I am loved, but on so many levels, I do want that and I do doubt that. I was hurt a lot as a kid by “friends” and even, at times, family- taking advantage of me and making fun of me- the real me. So at some point I decided the “real me” was no longer good enough and I decided I would become someone people can like. I tried to be funny, but I’m not as funny as I’d like to be. I tried to be wise (but ha! That’s a gift, not something you can create). I tried to be generous and thoughtful and smart and creative... I tried to be physically perfect, I tried to be all of these things that are just not me (the real me). ON some level, I am little pieces of all of these things but when it all comes down, I don’t even know who I really am, and it bothers me.

I started thinking- how can I be this woman, this teacher that I want to be if I don’t even know who I really am? That would make me a hypocrite and I know for certain that’s not what God created me to be. So over the next few weeks, months... I will be doing some major changing, some major soul searching. I want to find out who I am and why I am here. I want to take off all of my masks and be real for the first time in my adult life.

Is this going to be difficult? Certainly. There is always pain when you grow, but the end result? Growth. Maturity. Development. God wants to use me; He wants to grow me, to lead me- the REAL me, not the me I pretend to be.

SO I’m not sure what I’ll look like when I am done, but I just feel like this has been a long time coming and I would so much rather live a life of obedience than a life of comfort- even if it means not everyone will like me (as if they did now... ha!) And even if it means I am a little more grown up (hello!) And even if it means I am not who I once thought I should be- because I am certain the person God created me to be is a far better person than this person I have been trying to be. I am sure she has a better relationship with her kids and with her husband. I am sure she doesn’t get bothered by gossip about her or by the fact that not everyone likes her. I am sure she knows how to really love people and to be in love with her creator. And I am sure she recognizes where her true beauty lies... not in the opinions of man or in having the perfect body or in the things of this world, but her true beauty comes from God. I am certain she is confident in that and it’s more than enough to erase all of her past... Ya... I’m ready to become that woman. 

The Battle and The Victory

2009-04-06T09:55:00.000-07:00

Wow. Can I just say this has been a week!!! (obviously, not referring to the current week since it just started…) I am referring to last week. During the course of the week, I endured some annoying physical pain, sickness, drastic mood swings (part of being a girl) and really, clearly saw God grab ahold of me. It was an emotionally draining week, but an amazingly strong week of growth for me. At the beginning of the week, I was living in my own strength and by Thursday I was completely exhausted and out of my own strength- that’s when I completely surrendered it to God. For the first time that week, I was able to fight off the enemy consciously and courageously. I refused to give in to the attack. I refused to allow the enemy to have control over my mind here at work, at home, and in between, and God had the victory! I LOVE when that happens.

So I know it all sounds really broad and confusing because I am not giving specific detail. I am not giving specific detail because I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary in this case and would do no good at all. But let me just say, my God is faithful, my God is strong. My God loves me and my God saved me! I cannot stop praising Him for answering my prayers- He came to my rescue when I needed Him most and for that, I owe Him my life, my all.

That is where I am right now… I am curious to see what the rest of this week holds… the attacks just keep on coming and I am loving it because every time the enemy tries to move forward on my heart and in my head, I am forced to turn to and rely on God- which, in turn has brought me closer to Him, more dependant upon Him, and is bringing me back where I have wanted to be for so long- at His feet, completely surrendered… what a journey! 

Long Time, No Blog

2009-03-24T11:03:00.000-07:00

So, I have been at work for about a month now (5 weeks tomorrow to be exact) and have loved most every minute of it (except that part where I am away from my kids 11 hours out of every day). On the whole, it's been really good for me: good for me to be away from home, I think because it gives me a renewed perspective on being a mom and a wife and just on life in general. Before I went back to work, I am pretty sure I was going down a scary path towards depression. I (like many other at-home-moms) sort of lost my sense of purpose and started feeling lost in the job of being a mom or being a wife. I lost my self and became afraid I wouldn't recover. That's not why I went back to work, but being here has sort of awakened me and given me time to reflect and to kind of re-establish who I am.

I know this much about my self- I am not just Christi Muhle (Kyle's Wife) or Christi Muhle (mom of 4) or Christi Muhle (working woman). What I have been learning and what means the most to me is that I am Christi Muhle- Child of God. There is no title I'd rather own, and no title I am more relieved to carry.

So while learning all of this, I have been away from the blog. I don't know if it's a lack of time or a lack of interest or what. I do know there is so much going on in my mind and in my heart and I want to share it all with you, but for now, I must return to my work. Be looking for more updates. My brain is literally flooded daily with thoughts, bits and pieces, and words of wisdom that I can't wait to share here. SO, welcome back to my blog. :)

Where DO babies come from mommy??? "um..."

2009-01-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow is Trinity's birthday. She will be a whole six years old. The school nurse called while I was working out today and told me Trnity was running and fever and I needed to come get her. When I picked her up, she was crying and complaining of a headache, so I took her home and babied her and we have pretty much been hanging out all morning since then.

A while ago she was coloring and I was working in my office and she starts this conversation that I am so just not ready to be having wth my six year old (who, in my eyes, will always be five or younger...) She asked me how my stepdaughter and her could be sisters when they came from two different mommies. I explained to her that they shared the same daddy and she said, "well, how does that happen? How do babies get made?" HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!! And there it was. THE question I have avoided for so long. Not that I mind talking about it at all- in fact, most any of my friends will tell you I encourage talking about it in a healthy way and I encourage IT in marriages all of the time. The problem with this story? Kyle and his ex were never married so instead of just saying that they loved eachother, got married, and had a baby and just leaving it at that, I actually have to make an effort, offer more details than I want to, and try my darndest (without giggling or blushing and sounding like I have no clue what I am talking about) and explain to her a little about the birds and the bees.

So what did I say? I'm not really sure (because in some part of my mind, i am still in shock), except I can vivdly remember saying "um..." quite a bit and stumbling wldly over my words. My heart was racing and I just couldn't spit the words out fast enough- when there were words. So somehow I gave her a simple answer and she went on to take a nap without probing too much. My next thought was- when IS it time to start telling her these things? I never really want to see her as old enough to know this information so I am kind of in denial. I don't want to give her information she is not mature enough for or just not ready to hear but on the other hand, I don't want anyone else giving her false or misguided information or telling her things I should have told her. I just want her to stay as innocent as she can for as long as she can, you know?

So I guess I will pray about it. I will pray that God gives me wisdom and discernment with how much information is too much and what I should say vs. what I should not say- when will it be time for her to learn about my testimony (I mean, as soon as she really starts to understand math, it wont take her long to figure out she wasn't exactly a honeymoon child) Sooooooooooooooo.... wow. What a day! This morning when I sent her off to school, we were celebrating her last day ever as a five-year-old, and now we are entering into the realm of "Big Kid World"... oh why can't they just stay babies forever? :)

Happy (Early) Birthday to Jacob

2009-01-09T16:46:00.001-08:00

So, my baby is about to be a whole year old... I cannot get past the thought. I can remember a year ago- everything that was going on with us, the fear, the frustration and the doubts that he would survive- the overwhelming dreams I had that nearly took my breath away and stole so much joy from those final few weeks before my precious child was to be born. But as I sit back and think over the last year, I can see God's hand in everything- every single breath that baby has taken is because of God and so as we approach his birthday, I just want to praise God for this perfect little miracle. Jacob is such a tremendous blessing in my life. He makes me laugh, makes me cry (tears of joy), he is full of life and spunk and joy and personality. He wakes us up most mornings with some sort of wild animal sounds and when we go to his room, he is always there standing in his crib with the greatest smile. He is a precious gift from God and so I praise Him- the author and creator of life. I was in shock when I found out I was pregnant (actually all three times, but this time in particular). I was sure we were done having children, but God had another plan and as I look back over the last year, I can see how God has used Jacob already. I can't wait to see what else is out there for my little man. However God chooses to continue giving him life, I pray He would always be used of God, for God. He is an amazing little man. Happy early birthday Jacob.

If my people...

2009-01-09T08:01:00.000-08:00

The verse goes "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land." (2 Chronicles 7:14). I was thinking about this today in the context of everything that has been going on with our nation, with our world, with the economy, with the new president coming in, with all the unrest overseas... I was thinking about how far from God we all had come and how much I knew He wanted to heal us and bring us peace finally.

If my people, who are called by my name will humble themselves- that means get out of our own way. Stop trying to control the economy, stop trying to control the outcome. Truly humble ourselves and put God back where He belongs- On His throne, in complete control. He has always been there, but we have been so confused for so long to think that we, somehow, can control situations that he have absolutely no control over, what-so-ever. So we need to humble ourselves and...

And pray!!! PRAY!!! Where did that go? How have we become so far removed from prayer? I remember the first time I heard that they were no longer going to allow prayer in schools. I knew then, in that moment, that the our nation was starting down a path of moving away from God and that we would never be the same unless we somehow brought prayer back into our lives and made it a priority. It's funny to me- I have this odd sense that somehow I can fix things, so I don't always pray. And then there are times when prayer is just what I do and part of who I am and God just seems to move in my life during those times. In my own life, I, too have turned away from prayer and from really trusting God until we come under fire or there is some crisis in my life. But what God wants is for us to comepletely humble ourselves and pray and...

And turn from sin and our wicked ways. Wow. That is a little convicting really. Not that I am some super wicked woman, but I do struggle with sin in my life- some of it I have yet to really turn from. I am guilty of sometimes getting caught up in a pattern of asking for forgiveness and never really turning from some sins. God wants us to comepletely turn from that sin and from our wicked ways- stop doing what we are doing, ask God for forgiveness- admit we were (are) wrong, and really turn toward God, making efforts to honor Him, to live a life that completely brings Him honor and glory... then...

Then He will hear us and will heal our land!!! Two things- Not that I think God isn't listening to us. I think He is, but I think there is a difference between listening and hearing. I think He listens to everything our hearts feel and our minds conceive, but I think when He hears us, He really hears us with His heart and His heart can be moved to action... I think. I am not a scholar, but that is my simple thought. Next thought- He will heal our land. Can you even imagine what our land will be like when God is in control and He reaches down to heal us? I cannot even begin to fathom how awesome that time will be, but I certainly am excited for when that day comes. I imagine there will be a time of feasting after the famine. There will be a time of families coming together after so many have broken apart. There will be a time of sons and daughters honoring their parents and people respecting their leaders. I know one day every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Christ is Lord, but I truly believe before then, we will have a peace in our nation- and no one will be able to explain it except to say that it was from God. I know people will try to explain it, but God's people will know the truth.

So what does all of that mean? It's time to pray- to really, fully, truly, humble ourselves and give it all over to God. We have been holding on to our false sense of control for way too long.